When to ask "What are you looking for?" when dating a men?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals When to ask "What are you looking for?" when dating a men?

Viewing 7 posts - 26 through 32 (of 32 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #777361 Reply
    Vera

    I do agree with T from NY. Either bring it up super early like first date or before , or not at all …
    Mainly because I myself will get spooked if a guy brings it up early – like if he asks me what are you looking for because I’m looking for something real – even though I’m definitely looking for the right thing with the right guy!
    I think the best tactic for me has been to see how they are over 4-6 weeks . The guys looking for casual tend to kind of give up after seeing they’re not going to get what they want from the girl . Yes it can leave us wondering for longer but in the long run you still end up figuring it out sooner or later .
    However sometimes I have had guys bring it up and I definitely make sure to let them know I don’t do casual – but trust me they’ll know by how you are acting what you want too.

    #777362 Reply
    K

    Yes Warasen you’re right you can put your preference for a relationship in the ad plus there is usually a menu button that gives you the choice to say if you are looking for activity partner/friend, dating only, LT relationship or marriage. In my experience men who are interested in marriage won’t always choose marriage, but they will choose LT relationship at least. What you have to watch out for is the guys who aren’t honest about wanting just casual. they know they’ll meet more women if they put down LT relationship.

    #777364 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    I’m one thousand percent in agreement with T from NY. I couldn’t have said it better!

    I think making dating too goal-oriented can cloud the natural process of developing a relationship with someone. Speaking for myself, I’ve been on dates early on where the guy interrogated me about what my dating goals were…and it was such a turn-off. I had a guy ask me on the 1st date if I was over my divorce and ready to marry again- I had been divorced 8 years! I felt like I was on a job interview and had to give the “right” answer.

    My current relationship has certainly been exactly as T from NY described. We had no heavy “what are you looking for” conversations before 3 months of dating. We were just totally present, totally into each other, and enjoying each other. We made it clear that we were exclusive, since we were sexually active. It was clear to me from his behavior that he was very, very into me. And I reciprocated. But I also trusted the process and let things happen organically at the beginning.

    I didn’t know if we had a long term future during those first months, but I loved getting to know him and enjoyed his company so much, and that’s all I focused on. He honestly wasn’t purposefully looking for a relationship, he was just looking to date; but he fell head over heels for me, and here we are going strong over a year and a half later.

    I know there are vastly different opinions on this topic and people should do what works for them. For myself I’ve always been more comfortable with the approach that T from NY is describing. That is, just dating the guy, bonding through shared activities, and being in the present and letting him reveal his intentions with his actions. And yes, as she describes, guys usually show their hand pretty quickly– they make it clear from their behavior if they have a serious interest in you or not, in my experience.

    #777378 Reply
    Lane

    Daphne, trust me, its not YOU!

    As human being, which both men and woman are, we go through phases and periods in our lives that are self-focused due to a myriad of reasons that has nothing to do with other people but what we are personally going through.

    After my divorce I had emotionally shut down, had zero desire to be in a relationship as I was having a blast being single and doing what I wanted, when I wanted, anytime I wanted with whomever I wanted and there was no man who interested me enough to give that up as I was hell bent on keeping my singlehood intact and I did that by keeping men at an emotional distance.

    It had nothing to do with these guys, many were great and would make good BF’s for a lady who was interested in that but it wasn’t for me during this phase which lasted almost four years btw. Its not that I was *rejecting* them, I simply wasn’t in the right mindset to accept any of them!

    This is why you need to figure out where their mindset currently is, early on. Just know it can shift from one, to another, and back again to the other, depending upon what’s going on in someones life. One year they are in the not interested phase, then it shifts and ready for love, then it can shift again if something major in their life happens. Its how it happened for my BF and I where neither of us were looking for a relationship when we initially met. A year later his mindset had shifted when he was able to tackle (overcome) some personal issues but mine was still in the no relationship zone as I was super busy running a business and knew I would make a really bad GF, didn’t believe I could juggle both (business & relationship), so my mind was intentionally closed off to love for that reason and so I intentionally rejected all men due to this mindset. However over time (many months), and a lot of patience, he was able to show me I could do both and we have been together almost three years now.

    Again, its not you, as there will be a man who loves all your bits and pieces, will naturally fall in love with you when he’s emotionally (key word) ready or open to it, and it will fall into place easily and effortlessly without you having to do anything!

    #777380 Reply
    anon

    If you ask from the outset, before either of you have put in effort, it is not a hard or awkward question. You aren’t asking him to judge YOU, therefore you aren’t being pushy.

    That said, you’ll get 4 types of answers:
    I am looking for a relationship
    I am looking for casual only/hook up

    Then the third pool is a bunch of emotionally vague stuff:
    Let’s see where things go
    I want something real, with some emotion, I’m not into hook ups
    I want a connection and chemistry

    Most of the “vague” stuff above is a guy that wants to get laid and is looking for a side of emotional support. These are the WORST guys to deal with and I call any of those answers a red flag. You will end up used for sex and emotional support and end up dumped. If you even go down the path with these guys, do not have sex with them until they show VERY clearly with actions what they want from you. You can easily weed about 90% of them out by saying that you take a while to be open to sex.

    The fourth pool are guys that say things like:
    I don’t have time for a relationship
    I am pretty focused on work if the right woman came along

    They are generally maybe worth entertaining because if you are the one, they will step up. My FWB is in this category, and he tells me when he finds the one, he will make time and move forward. Again, watch his actions. These guys may just be dating you for fun, but they don’t bring the emotional game of the third pool.

    #777734 Reply
    Daphnee

    Lane,

    Thank you very much for your message.
    And all of you girls, really. It gives me a new perspective.

    I believe I acted right actually. I did what felt best for me back then.

    That guy lost his father 5 years ago and since that he has been trying to build up his own business as a video creator. He travels a lot. He has been switching between two jobs and makes very little money still… so very unstable life.

    I believe he was simply not ready.

    I’m going to listen to Lane advice about this, it’s NOT me, it’s just bad timing.

    #777768 Reply
    Lisa

    If a man is looking for something serious…dating with a purpose such as yourself, he wouldn’t be afraid to admit that. You still have to date and get to know each other, but just knowing that you’re both in the same stage in life/love helps the both of you know right out of the gate that you’re not wasting your time. If things don’t work out, it’ll be for other reasons such as non-compatability, etc…but not because you’re both not ready to fall in love and find the one.

    I believe that if a man tells you ‘I’m not looking for anything serious or just want casual/fwb or I don’t know what I want’…BELIEVE THEM!! If that’s not what you’re looking for then good riddance. He wasn’t the one for you. Don’t feel bad if he didn’t come back.

Viewing 7 posts - 26 through 32 (of 32 total)
Reply To: When to ask "What are you looking for?" when dating a men?
Your information:





<blockquote> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <ul> <ol start=""> <li>