When to ask "What are you looking for?" when dating a men?

You did the right thing if you wanted a relationship and not something you waste time and effort in only to get heartbroken.

You were right about that guy. He wasnt looking for serious. Somewhere in between is the worst for girls. Its the gf experience without commitment.
I rhink its perfectly fine to ask on date one, why he is dating. I wiuld not specify i dont do hook ups etc.
Contrary to what i did in the past i wont have sex with a guy unles there is a sense of being sexual exclusive. Doesnt mean bf/gf but i dont want to sleep with a guy who sleeps with another woman the next day. And i doubt the guy that is interested in me, would want me to do that.
The most common mistake i see here is a woman sleeping with a guy before she has any idea what the guy is thinking and i would protect myself from that limbo. Because even dating with a guy on the same page is difficult enough. But this is all today wisdom, my past person never did any of this.
And if i would sleep with a guy not knowing where he stands i would force myself to consider it a one night stand for now

Ask a few guys about this. Sure i know plenty of stories where it stared not too serious, even in my own case. But in those cases both girl and guy were fine to see how it went since none of them was deadset on settlling. I think a lot of guys would probably say something along the lines of ‘just to see where this goes’. I wouldnt discard them but also date other guys. My advice was mostly based on all the stories here where the guy goes poof after date number 5/sex. Even in your last case. He didnt bother to contact you anymore. Im from europe and we do date more casual at first.
If you feel you are too uptight then i would say Yeah try it out in being more casual. Ot stop dating at all for a while and focus on what makes you happy

Thats the problem with date number 5. You cant really ask the guy if he is serious about you, since he doesnt know. And you can really move on in limbo either until he knows (well that goes for you too). Have you Googled 7 steps a guy falls in love? Thats the problem with asking after date 5.
But call me crazy, if a guy is interested in seeing where it goes, sure he can keep his pants on with other women while you start to have sex and figure out where it goes? I mean you dont have to give the guy carte blanche right?

I know you didn’t ask about when to have sex – but I think this relates to your question about asking a guy what they’re dating for. I don’t think you have to have the “what are you looking for talk”. If you listen and just have natural conversation – men usually reveal where they are emotionally. Almost always.

I tend to agree with male dating coaches on this – two of which recommend just dating the guy and not having sex until you’re exclusive. Actions speak louder than words and I believe asking a guy too soon, BEFORE he has bonded with you through shared activities puts too much pressure on a budding relationship. Men determine how they feel about you – by how they FEEL when they’re with you. So in the beginning – do NOTHING except accept dates graciously, flirt, make out if you want to and if it’s gets hot and heavy say “I want you just as much, but I don’t sleep around and only do that if I’m committed to someone”. 4-6 weeks is not too long to wait for sex — and if they haven’t locked you down within that time period — their interest is low in having a relationship with YOU or having a relationship at all.

AND it completely depends on where your heart is at. I’ve dated two men I REALLY cared about (one for 2 years and one for 6 months) where sex happened on the first date. But that’s because I honestly was not looking for someone at the time. Now a days – my heart is more tender, so my practice is not to sleep with men I could see myself with long haul without a commitment. It only leads to anxiousness and heartache. I also don’t ask what they’re looking for unless it comes up organically in conversation. Women should practice more patience. A man reveals what he wants either by verbally looking you down or disappearing after you refuse him sex – so it’s not rocket science.

I think it’s good practice to have a few questions about goals in general during the first date (or perhaps before the first date). It shouldn’t be heavy relationship oriented questions or anything too heavy in general (unless there are certain goals that are highly important to you).

It’s when you bring it up after you’ve already been on several dates that things tend to go awry. If you feel the relationship isn’t progressing than I’m not sure talking about it is going to make a difference. You want things to progress naturally.

If for whatever reason you feel things are not progressing it’s probably best for you to bid-adieu.

I tend to ask on the first date or even before that similar to the way that Tallspicy does it: “What is you are hoping to get out of dating?”
I do that, because at this point neither party is emotionally invested, which makes it easier to hear what the other person is saying and to also be honest about your own intentions because there is nothing at stake yet. Doing it super early also shows that I am not asking about “us” (I have asked the same question on later dates and it always backfired in that the man assumed that I’m fishing for early commitment when I really just wanted to know if it was worth investing my heart. Especially, when it happens after the 3rd date).
I really what T from NY is saying about letting it unfold naturally. Unfortunately, I tend to get anxious in the early stages of dating and I noticed that knowing whether we are on the same page to begin with makes it easier for me to then be in the moment and let everything else unfold. I think it’s because I feel like we are at least walking in the same direction and that there is thus no rush to ask for more.

“I really what T from NY is saying about letting it unfold naturally. Unfortunately, I tend to get anxious in the early stages of dating and I noticed that knowing whether we are on the same page to begin with makes it easier for me to then be in the moment and let everything else unfold.”

@Sandybean I feel the same… I get very anxious when not knowing where I step into.

Online? Second or third message is “what are you looking for, my goal is to date someone with relationship potential. I am not open to casual sex. Saves you a lot of time and for guys who do agree to go on a date, you are more likely to get honest feedback vs being strung along.
If a guy feels “pressure” from that oh well. He can go swipe on his next victim/mixed message booty call. At least it isn’t me.

If a guy puts in multiple non-sex dates, it’s a pretty good sign that you are worth the effort. So many guys just want “in betweens”, not just sex, but a girlfriend experience. Could be anything from where he was in life to what he wanted.

At the end of the day, it’s not a “problem” with you. It’s a problem with compatibility, connection or where you are in life as a couple.

Get this done painlessly right up front. Or why bother to even meet if we’re talking OLD.

If it’s someone I met online, their profile will say what they’re looking for and then I ask in the messaging on the site stage, I see your profile says looking for LTR, just confirming that’s accurate because my objective in dating is to eventually meet the right person to be with long term and marry when the time is right. I’ve had a couple come back and say, yes I checked that box but honestly I’m just looking for casual as I just got out of a relationship and I don’t want to jump back in and then I’ve said thanks for your honesty, let’s not meet as we’re at different places in life.

I do use the word marry because there are a lot of divorced men out there who are not going there again, or at least that’s where they are now and I want to weed them out. If that sentence is going to scare anyone off, good, they weren’t for me. I’ve phrased it in a way that I’m not saying I”m rushing to get hitched. Getting married is very important to me and I’m looking for someone who shares my value system. Some people are fine with being together LT without marriage – I’m not one of them. Again, this won’t intimidate the right man. It’s been helpful to be this honest right away in a non-pushy way because I smoke out the guys who are just looking for sex or playing the field for fun and ego boost.

If I meet a man IRL, then I have this conversation within the first 3-4 dates when it feels right. BEFORE I have physical contact past a casual kiss!!

Ladies – do not start getting serious about a man or having sex without hearing what his thoughts are on dating goals and if he sees a woman in his future long term! Asking questions (without signaling desperation!) will NOT scare the right man away!!

The man I’m with now was earnestly seeking the right lady to be with LT and greatly appreciated I was on the same page and we could talk about that comfortably.

Hi-I put it right in my profile- I said: “I don’t do casual in any area of my life-looking to meet a compatible person for a serious,long term/committed relationship.” It sent the message that I did not want FWB,booty calls,casual dating etc. and I was not just going to jump into sex.