When to ask "What are you looking for?" when dating a men?


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  • #777180 Reply

    Daphnee

    Hi girls,

    I’ve seen some really good advice on this forum and I would like to have your point of view on this subject.

    When should we ask “What are you looking for?” when dating a men?

    I’ve heard lot of people say that you shouldn’t ask because it scares them away or put too much pressure when dates just begun. Instead they say that you are still in the seduction phase, and everything should be light.

    Or some people say you should ask right away, and the one who will diseapear are not “the ones”.

    Seriously I’m confused.

    I dated a guy with who I had great chemistry, he took me on dates, showed me with action he was interested. After the 5th dates, I asked that guy what he was looking for as I’m not looking for a bootycall. He said he was looking for in between… I break up with him one week after this talk as I became really anxious. I did it by sending him a long text (I believe I came across as way too serious). I was scared to be a passing time candidate. He never contacted me after that.

    Was it wrong? I’m confused on how I should act.

    I can’t forget about this guy. It was 8 months ago, I feel like I messed up somewhat.

    #777184 Reply

    Better off single

    You did the right thing if you wanted a relationship and not something you waste time and effort in only to get heartbroken.

    #777186 Reply

    Daphnee

    @Better off single thanks, but maybe I didn’t let things unfold naturally… :/ There is always a risk in relationship of being heartbroken

    #777188 Reply

    Newbie

    You were right about that guy. He wasnt looking for serious. Somewhere in between is the worst for girls. Its the gf experience without commitment.
    I rhink its perfectly fine to ask on date one, why he is dating. I wiuld not specify i dont do hook ups etc.
    Contrary to what i did in the past i wont have sex with a guy unles there is a sense of being sexual exclusive. Doesnt mean bf/gf but i dont want to sleep with a guy who sleeps with another woman the next day. And i doubt the guy that is interested in me, would want me to do that.
    The most common mistake i see here is a woman sleeping with a guy before she has any idea what the guy is thinking and i would protect myself from that limbo. Because even dating with a guy on the same page is difficult enough. But this is all today wisdom, my past person never did any of this.
    And if i would sleep with a guy not knowing where he stands i would force myself to consider it a one night stand for now

    #777190 Reply

    Daphnee

    There are lot of men “not looking for anything”, who doesn’t know what they want.
    Yet they meet a woman, take it light with her, and somehow, it works out.

    Things is, I rejected lot of guy who told me what that guy said to me, but I’m still single AS HELL…

    Maybe I should be more casual when begining relationship, and not give a dam*… most of my friends started their relationship this way. They didn’t ask any questions, or anything, until after 3 months or so.

    #777192 Reply

    Newbie

    Ask a few guys about this. Sure i know plenty of stories where it stared not too serious, even in my own case. But in those cases both girl and guy were fine to see how it went since none of them was deadset on settlling. I think a lot of guys would probably say something along the lines of ‘just to see where this goes’. I wouldnt discard them but also date other guys. My advice was mostly based on all the stories here where the guy goes poof after date number 5/sex. Even in your last case. He didnt bother to contact you anymore. Im from europe and we do date more casual at first.
    If you feel you are too uptight then i would say Yeah try it out in being more casual. Ot stop dating at all for a while and focus on what makes you happy

    #777193 Reply

    Daphnee

    I agree with you on ‘just to see where this goes’ sentence, it changes everything. If he told me that it would have been different.

    I was the one who broke up with him so I kind of understand why he didn’t contact me after that. We were not on the same page.

    But I do believe that if he really had a little spark with me he would have told me another sentence… Or maybe he was just not ready for something serious.

    #777196 Reply

    Newbie

    Thats the problem with date number 5. You cant really ask the guy if he is serious about you, since he doesnt know. And you can really move on in limbo either until he knows (well that goes for you too). Have you Googled 7 steps a guy falls in love? Thats the problem with asking after date 5.
    But call me crazy, if a guy is interested in seeing where it goes, sure he can keep his pants on with other women while you start to have sex and figure out where it goes? I mean you dont have to give the guy carte blanche right?

    #777198 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I usually ask on dates 3 or 4. “So what are you looking for in terms of dating these days?” – or “So where are you right now with your dating life”. What I want to hear is that they are open to the real deal with the right person. Not – I live day by day or something casual etc. Then they share, then I share. I share I am looking for the right person to build something with exclusively with the possibility of something more and serious over time. Also this question has nothing to do with me directly, so it is not a “do you like me”

    5 dates is too long. At date 3, there is not real implied anything other than you are learning about each other, but 5 it is more explicit.

    I am at a place where there is no sex before exclusivity. But that is what works for me. It is not for everyone. But I am totally for fooling around, even with kissing on the first date. Work those bases to your advantage. I simply say – “I do not sleep with men who are still on match the next day. We can decide that together when the time works for both of us”. I have had one man come back and say no (before sex), I have had two others who committed very quickly and were all in. I have never had a man who slept with me (who had agreed to exclusivity or brought it up) who then ditched me. Whoever that dude is to any of you is a jerk.

    That is why I ask early about what they want.

    What do you want in general? (are you open to what I want – which is something with the right person that could be serious)
    If you want to have sex, I only do that with men I am exclusive with. (Are you open to focusing and sex comes with that, you do not get that without what I want, which is exclusive to see if this works together with focus)
    What do you want longer term (now that we are exclusive, what are your longer term goals and again, not necessarily with me because we are still getting to know each other).

    Most of the men who have been my boyfriends wanted commitment between 3-6 weeks. It has rarely been longer, which was only in something long distance, but it was on our second time seeing each other.

    #777208 Reply

    T from NY

    I know you didn’t ask about when to have sex – but I think this relates to your question about asking a guy what they’re dating for. I don’t think you have to have the “what are you looking for talk”. If you listen and just have natural conversation – men usually reveal where they are emotionally. Almost always.

    I tend to agree with male dating coaches on this – two of which recommend just dating the guy and not having sex until you’re exclusive. Actions speak louder than words and I believe asking a guy too soon, BEFORE he has bonded with you through shared activities puts too much pressure on a budding relationship. Men determine how they feel about you – by how they FEEL when they’re with you. So in the beginning – do NOTHING except accept dates graciously, flirt, make out if you want to and if it’s gets hot and heavy say “I want you just as much, but I don’t sleep around and only do that if I’m committed to someone”. 4-6 weeks is not too long to wait for sex — and if they haven’t locked you down within that time period — their interest is low in having a relationship with YOU or having a relationship at all.

    AND it completely depends on where your heart is at. I’ve dated two men I REALLY cared about (one for 2 years and one for 6 months) where sex happened on the first date. But that’s because I honestly was not looking for someone at the time. Now a days – my heart is more tender, so my practice is not to sleep with men I could see myself with long haul without a commitment. It only leads to anxiousness and heartache. I also don’t ask what they’re looking for unless it comes up organically in conversation. Women should practice more patience. A man reveals what he wants either by verbally looking you down or disappearing after you refuse him sex – so it’s not rocket science.

    #777209 Reply

    T from NY

    **by verbally locking you down…

    #777213 Reply

    Newbie

    I think it’s good practice to have a few questions about goals in general during the first date (or perhaps before the first date). It shouldn’t be heavy relationship oriented questions or anything too heavy in general (unless there are certain goals that are highly important to you).

    It’s when you bring it up after you’ve already been on several dates that things tend to go awry. If you feel the relationship isn’t progressing than I’m not sure talking about it is going to make a difference. You want things to progress naturally.

    If for whatever reason you feel things are not progressing it’s probably best for you to bid-adieu.

    #777223 Reply

    Anderson 

    “If you listen and just have natural conversation – men usually reveal where they are emotionally. Almost always.”

    “I also don’t ask what they’re looking for unless it comes up organically in conversation.”

    “Asking a guy too soon, BEFORE he has bonded with you through shared activities puts too much pressure on a budding relationship.”

    Quoted for truth.

    For me, it’s more so about the potential contrivedness that the question can bring, that can be a turn off than being scared off. Even if the things were heading there anyway.

    #777228 Reply

    Sandybean

    I tend to ask on the first date or even before that similar to the way that Tallspicy does it: “What is you are hoping to get out of dating?”
    I do that, because at this point neither party is emotionally invested, which makes it easier to hear what the other person is saying and to also be honest about your own intentions because there is nothing at stake yet. Doing it super early also shows that I am not asking about “us” (I have asked the same question on later dates and it always backfired in that the man assumed that I’m fishing for early commitment when I really just wanted to know if it was worth investing my heart. Especially, when it happens after the 3rd date).
    I really what T from NY is saying about letting it unfold naturally. Unfortunately, I tend to get anxious in the early stages of dating and I noticed that knowing whether we are on the same page to begin with makes it easier for me to then be in the moment and let everything else unfold. I think it’s because I feel like we are at least walking in the same direction and that there is thus no rush to ask for more.

    #777229 Reply

    Sandybean

    *I really like what T from NY is saying…

    #777230 Reply

    daphnee

    “I really what T from NY is saying about letting it unfold naturally. Unfortunately, I tend to get anxious in the early stages of dating and I noticed that knowing whether we are on the same page to begin with makes it easier for me to then be in the moment and let everything else unfold.”

    @Sandybean I feel the same… I get very anxious when not knowing where I step into.

    #777233 Reply

    Lane

    Its best to put it out there early, in question form, so you know where their current mindset is. Best to do it by asking a few soft question, with a harder question peppered in between, such as: “What’s your favorite sport?” “Do you have any pets?” How many siblings do you have?” “What are your thoughts on marriage?” (listen intently to that answer). Then ask a few more soft questions, such as “what’s your favorite vacation place?” “Do you like ____?” What is _____” “What are you dating for?” (listen intently to that answer)

    If a man is going through a breakup, not even thinking about marriage, or has any negative views on relationships in general such as “I don’t want to get married” “I’m not looking for anything serious” then he is telling you “I’m not interested in developing anything with you’ and you don’t have to play the guessing game if you are listening carefully to what a man tells you—believe the negatives!

    I find men will naturally start giving you cues the more time you spend together. If they are *feeling it* they will start using words such as “we” or “us” (integration words) instead of “I” “me” or “you” (single words), and it feels right when they use them, they will naturally want to start the process of integrating you into their lives (meet friends, parents, bring you into their private world). You really need a good four to six months to know if your a good match though, as you or he could say or do something that turns the other completely off, so its impossible to really know until you’ve integrated each other enough to determine if you would even make a good partnership (team) or not.

    Its not about the destination (relationship), its about the journey. Don’t skip A to get to B (cutting corners) or you risk hitting a lot of dead ends.

    #777241 Reply

    anon

    Online? Second or third message is “what are you looking for, my goal is to date someone with relationship potential. I am not open to casual sex. Saves you a lot of time and for guys who do agree to go on a date, you are more likely to get honest feedback vs being strung along.
    If a guy feels “pressure” from that oh well. He can go swipe on his next victim/mixed message booty call. At least it isn’t me.

    #777268 Reply

    Daphnee

    @Lane Thank you.

    I kind of felt rejected with “Im not good enough” sentence popping over my head when he gave me that “looking for in between, no bootcall yet no serious” talk… My ego is hurting.

    I feel like I wasn’t good enough for him as he just wanted me for “fun”… Hell when you see me I swear you can tell Im a very serious in this department.

    Im tired of not being treated seriously…

    Im a good woman, I have my life together…

    Why can’t I deserve a man who is as into me as I’m into him???

    #777270 Reply

    anon

    If a guy puts in multiple non-sex dates, it’s a pretty good sign that you are worth the effort. So many guys just want “in betweens”, not just sex, but a girlfriend experience. Could be anything from where he was in life to what he wanted.

    At the end of the day, it’s not a “problem” with you. It’s a problem with compatibility, connection or where you are in life as a couple.

    #777275 Reply

    Khadija

    When I was dating I asked men right away what they were looking for.
    However its all in the way you ask.

    I’d simply ask what they wanted out of dating. Then I listened carefully.

    If they said things like let’s see where things go, nothing serious, or they aren’t really looking for anything I didn’t go out with them again.

    A guy who wants something serious isn’t afraid to say so. Guys who can’t answer the question directly, or want you to live in the moment will waste your time.

    Remember its your time and heart on the line, don’t be scared to ask.

    #777278 Reply

    K

    Get this done painlessly right up front. Or why bother to even meet if we’re talking OLD.

    If it’s someone I met online, their profile will say what they’re looking for and then I ask in the messaging on the site stage, I see your profile says looking for LTR, just confirming that’s accurate because my objective in dating is to eventually meet the right person to be with long term and marry when the time is right. I’ve had a couple come back and say, yes I checked that box but honestly I’m just looking for casual as I just got out of a relationship and I don’t want to jump back in and then I’ve said thanks for your honesty, let’s not meet as we’re at different places in life.

    I do use the word marry because there are a lot of divorced men out there who are not going there again, or at least that’s where they are now and I want to weed them out. If that sentence is going to scare anyone off, good, they weren’t for me. I’ve phrased it in a way that I’m not saying I”m rushing to get hitched. Getting married is very important to me and I’m looking for someone who shares my value system. Some people are fine with being together LT without marriage – I’m not one of them. Again, this won’t intimidate the right man. It’s been helpful to be this honest right away in a non-pushy way because I smoke out the guys who are just looking for sex or playing the field for fun and ego boost.

    If I meet a man IRL, then I have this conversation within the first 3-4 dates when it feels right. BEFORE I have physical contact past a casual kiss!!

    Ladies – do not start getting serious about a man or having sex without hearing what his thoughts are on dating goals and if he sees a woman in his future long term! Asking questions (without signaling desperation!) will NOT scare the right man away!!

    The man I’m with now was earnestly seeking the right lady to be with LT and greatly appreciated I was on the same page and we could talk about that comfortably.

    #777294 Reply

    Warasen

    Correct me if I’m won’t but do most people meet on line via a dating site or app now? Can’t you put in your ad the tow if relationship you are looking for?

    #777357 Reply

    peggy

    Hi-I put it right in my profile- I said: “I don’t do casual in any area of my life-looking to meet a compatible person for a serious,long term/committed relationship.” It sent the message that I did not want FWB,booty calls,casual dating etc. and I was not just going to jump into sex.

    #777359 Reply

    T from NY

    My point was that some really good men don’t wanna be having the ‘what they want talk’ straight out of the gate because they feel so many women are dead set on getting any man to be a husband – versus a connection or the “right” relationship. I feel in general women should relax and enjoy the process more instead of future thinking. Just because a guy isn’t purposefully looking for the love of his life (and the end of his freedom and lifetime of service and financial obligation lol) doesn’t mean they are shady or won’t fall completely in love with the right woman who is relaxed and just being PRESENT.

    You give me a woman who has been on TWO dates that has no idea what a guy seems to be looking for by A) how he’s been texting her (the content) B) side-comments he makes and C) straight declarations. It USUALLY comes up. Or you can tell by the way the treat and talk to you. Is all I’m sayin

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