This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tammy 10 months, 1 week ago.
January 24, 2023 at 12:49 pm #940223
Hey all. Short one here hopefully.
I, 24f, went on a first date with 28m about 6 days ago. We spent six hours together, and was by far the most effortless first date I have ever had. He very clearly wanted to keep the night going and he paid for everything. There was a kiss at the end and he held my hand and rested his hand on my thigh at the 2nd bar we went too. All positive stuff. I am very very unsure what went wrong in our texts/communication and would like some input.
After the date we texted back & forth normally, and pretty steadily. Friday night it was a lot of back & forth, and I was hoping he would ask when I am free again but nothing until 3am (he knew I was working when we were texting), he said “you’re working tomorrow right” and I SHOULD’VE said yes, but these are my days i’m free next week blah blah blah but I didn’t as it was 3am and was tired and forgot.
Instead I just said “Yes tomorrow night too”.
I heard from him the next evening and he asked me how work was going. I replied normally and then asked how his day was, but also mentioned this big football that was on that I knew he was probs watching. He ignored my “how was your day” question and just replied about the game. Little odd. We continued to text but his texts were getting sort of dry, and not giving me much to work with. He told me when he got home but that was about it. Sunday, I figured to give him a little headsup my days off were approaching and didn’t wanna blindside him if he waits to ask me out on a weekend next week. I was trying to be communicative. This is how the texts went (there was a few hours between all of these too) *I texted him some stuff prior to saying the first one just for context*
Me: Also I’m free for the next few days if you wanna get together
Him: I think I should be free tomorrow??
Me: That would be great, or Tuesday. Those are my days off this week before the weekend and wanted to mention it yadda yadda yadda
Him: I’m gonna be busy Wednesday through Friday. You’re gonna love what I’m working on this week haha
Me: Omg haha I gotta know now! Yeah I’m good with Monday or Tuesday
and since then NOTHING. SILENCE. over 24 hours of silence. He mentioned the work thing because we work in similar industries and I guess he wanted to mention it. I was confused why he was clearly ignoring me when I said I am free and he just responded with ..when he was busy. I didn’t get it. I honestly had no idea how to respond. I probably was too passive but I think I was pretty clear I wanted to get together again and I felt like he just ignored it. I was gonna just say “let me know” but that felt too vague. Maybe I was already too vague and cryptic.
I feel so dumb now, I just didn’t think it would be this hard if two people wanna see each other again. Also frustrated he couldn’t even text me and say “nah that won’t work”. He just is ghosting me now. Obviously, its another woman now, or work things but he was replying pretty quickly last week, and he took the initiative to make the reservation for the first date. Friday was normal texting too. I wanted to mention my days off just to be clear, and he was the one who said he would like to do something again. My guy friends say to text him again as he probably was just forgetful and men are dumb, meanwhile my mom and sister say to move on. I was going to send another text today and ask about what he is working on and ignore what I said basically, but I KNOW he is on his phone. So I feel like I got my answer. I felt really good chemistry with him, and he very much appeared to reciprocate it. I really don’t know what went sour in like 48 hours.January 24, 2023 at 12:53 pm #940224
Also I wanna be clear I know I mentioned my days off last minute, but silly me figured he would just say “No this can’t work, what about ___?” and nothing so. I figured it was better to mention now then just let a whole week go by and trying to be communicative sigh.January 24, 2023 at 1:26 pm #940226
What went wrong here is you’re overanalyzing and over-investing after only one date. You don’t know him yet. When I was younger, I believed having epic long first dates and constant immediate communication was a great thing: it seemed to mean sparks flew and interest was solid. What I learned as I got older is, that’s not actually true. When you can’t get enough of each other right from the start, there’s a ton of fantasy and projection going on, and a guy who is too hot and heavy immediately when he barely knows you either can go cold just as fast because it’s not really about you, or he wants sex. That doesn’t mean strong immediate connections aren’t possible, but they need to be followed up on with consistency (he asks you out again for the next week without you prompting) and without being totally rushed (rushing early is false intimacy based on fantasy). The fact he’s going hot but then beating around the bush is on HIM, it’s nothing you did, and it doesn’t necessarily have to do with another woman. It does mean he’s likely not in it to be immediately serious, because a guy who has his stuff together and is emotionally mature isn’t confusing about what he wants.
But you also need to take a step back, recognize that you barely know anything about who he really is yet, and you need to stop trying to control and steer the situation. This is the time to lean back and observe who he is, listening when he shows you. There was nothing wrong with what you said about your schedule. He’s an adult and could have responded with a clear plan. If he’s a guy who goes on a 6 hour date, messages you obsessively for a week, then drops off without confirming a second date, that’s on him not you, and simply shows he’s not worth investing in yet.January 24, 2023 at 1:30 pm #940227
Listen to your Mom & Sister…
This guy knows how to get a hold of you.January 24, 2023 at 1:51 pm #940228
“I just didn’t think it would be this hard if two people wanna see each other again.” It’s not this hard when a guy is worth dating, trust me. When a guy has his sh!t together and wants to date a woman, he asks her out, it really isn’t complicated.
I 100% agree with Maddie. I actually saw the 6 hour first date as a red flag. Maddie explained it in a very articulate way so I won’t repeat what she said.
Just know that a guy who is emotionally healthy and ready to date is consistent and doesn’t give mixed signals. This guy is blowing hot and cold all over the place. Healthy dating is slow, consistent and steady; it isn’t up and down, hot and cold.
I also agree that you’re overinvested after only 1 date. You don’t know this guy. I understand having a nice date and wanting to see someone again, but you can’t be overly invested in the outcome so early on.January 24, 2023 at 8:31 pm #940229
This is a great learning opportunity. From now on limit your dates to 3 hours, absolute maximum. Be the first one to say, hey, this has been so much fun – I’ve got to get going, early start tomorrow or whatever. I’d love to do it again. Then he knows if he asks the answer is yes. Then you aren’t wondering if you gave him the right signals.
I’m with your family and everyone else here – leave him alone. Nothing went “sour” – you’ve just gotten ahead of him. I can’t tell you how many fantastic first dates I’ve had, to never hear from the guy again. You have a good first date? That’s nice. Then you lean back and let him come forward and ask to see you again and let it play out for a while. If he doesn’t, oh well, his loss. You never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. Might be happy dating around and not looking for anything serious, an ex may have contacted him and he wants to try again with her, could have gotten busy with work, decided you weren’t his type. Whatever. It’s all out of your control so don’t get your nightie in a knot if a guy doesn’t call again after a great first date. You’re looking for a real match and if he eliminates himself right upfront, good! You didn’t waste your time.
Everyone’s on the best behavior for the first half dozen dates (and if they aren’t stop seeing him). You’ll see the real person within 90 days, if you’re looking with clear eyes and not already planning the wedding, if you know what I mean. That’s your job in the first 90 days, get to know him, watch to see if he meets your standards and enjoy yourself in his company. That’s it, nothing else.January 25, 2023 at 3:24 pm #940238
Thanks all for the advice. I knew in my gut not to send a double text because I also have been through this so many times before with men, but hearing my few guy friends say men are forgetful and it’s not that deep, and that I need to suggest a place and or time/ be more assertive really threw me off. One of my guy friends and I actually got into a fight about it and his advice was so aggressive it made 0 sense. I never sent another text and now it’s been silence for 3 days which does sting a bit I won’t lie.
I was making a lot of assumptions thinking he would just put it together how I would like to see him again but he kept oddly dodging it when it was pretty clear. Which is a dead giveaway. It’s been a very long time since I felt attraction, chemistry and had a lot of things in common with someone like that, so was more upset how he couldn’t have texted me back “No this doesn’t work for me”. I’ve been on six dates in the past few months and none of them have made it a second date either due to mutual disinterest, disinterest from either me or him, or I didn’t feel a spark. Just a little bummed that’s all. Was mostly checking to make sure I didn’t do anything abhorrently wrong, but I have a feeling even if I didn’t mention my days off, this still would have happened and I would have gotten frustrated with why he wasn’t asking me out. So. Just happened earlier than I thought.
Also I had no idea what I would even double text – it would’ve just been bait to get him to reply? Which also would have been super bad. I know when men are interested or at least being polite they will respond, sending another message would have been pointless and desperate. Also he is four years older than me he knows better lol. Thanks all againJanuary 26, 2023 at 4:42 am #940248
Dont feel bad about it. Its happened to many of us. Infct this reminds me of someone i met ages back. Things were perfect on the first date and it went frm just a casual first meeting for an hour or two to almost an 8 hr first meeting! Crazy sparks! Like literally bells ringing and i felt dizzy with excitement. We also made out a bit and kissed. Probably the best kiss of my life!
But post that meeting he backd off. Cld never really undrstnd. But i did meet him again aftr 2 months. And the 2nd meetin was even better! But post that second meeting also, he didnt really take things up.
Strange thing is i met him last year for the 3rd time aftr a gap of 10 long years! And i still felt the same. And i thot there was crazy chemistry still btwn us. This time too he didnt really bother.
Sometimes some guys are just not teady for anythng deep despite mutual attraction. Nothing we can do. Just enjoy that date and move on..January 26, 2023 at 4:49 am #940249
O and another thing. Post our third meeting, he did ask me later vide text when we chatted as to why i didnt kiss him when it was obvious that we still had that amazing spark between us. So well he knew the effect he had on me but wasnt intrstd in anythng more so he didnt pursue..
There are no answers sometimes so well to let things be. :)