What To Say? What To Do? So Confused..


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  • #933974 Reply

    Ginger

    The guy I’m dating (close to 3 months) is going away for 2 months for work and he leaves in 2 weeks time.

    We are currently exclusive but not in an official relationship as he wants to take things slow before fully committing long-term. Have not met any of his family or friends, but he’s shown through his actions he’s faithful and committed to me, and does invest time and effort in us, albeit too slow-moving.

    I do know he values his own time and space alone, but how do I tell him I want to spend more time before he leaves without sounding needy?

    I have no issues with him traveling, however would feel more at ease if there was more “weight” to our not-quite-a-relationship.

    I have spent large amounts of time at his home, know where everything is, and how he likes his plants and place cleaned, and the neighbours and security guards have seen me around. Should I offer to house sit for him?

    TBH, it would have been great if this idea was his idea and not mine. Or how should I phrase it to make him think it’s his idea?

    I honestly have no motive, other than to help because I do like and care about this guy, and am patient enough to see this situationship evolve.

    Or am I being foolish just waiting around for 2 months? What would you do? :(

    #933976 Reply

    Amy S

    Why ? I know
    You say you want to help
    But he isn’t looking for help
    Or he would be asking you or dropping hints so no I think it’s too full on at this early stage. Turn it around. You are going away for a couple of Months would you want him living In your personal space ? Not for
    Me but each to their own.

    #933977 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Ginger, if you step back and read what you wrote, do you see that you’re way more into him than he is into you? The imbalance is clear. Stop chasing him and stop auditioning for the role of official girlfriend. He’s going to see right through you asking to spend more time together, house sit, etc. You’re trying way too hard. It’s clingy.

    In fairness to him, you’ve only been dating a short time. But do you know why he’s put up so many walls? I’ve found guys who say they want to “take it slow” have either been badly burned recently, know they have a tendency to move too fast, want to keep their options open or straight up know they aren’t into you long term but want to keep you around on their terms for the short term.

    This is your chance to lean way back while he’s gone and see what he does. I don’t think he’s done enough to earn so much “patience” from you. Let him miss you while he’s gone. One thing I’ve learned here is that men fall for you when they have some distance from you, not when you’re around all the time. Let him do the calling, texting, whatever, while he’s gone. And I”m sorry to say this but please be prepared that this isn’t going anywhere and it will fizzle while he’s gone or when he comes back. He doesn’t sound very available and sounds like he’s kind of lukewarm about you. You deserve better.

    #933979 Reply

    Maddie

    It sounds like you’re feeling insecure because he’s not your boyfriend yet and you’re not sure you’ll survive 2 months of long-distance, so you’re trying to figure out if there’s some way you can feel like you have some control over the situation. You can’t control it, though. You can make sure you have enough going on in your own life that you’re not pining and wondering about him the entire time he’s gone, because when someone is too focused on their partner and doesn’t feel whole on their own, that is where the needy vibes come from.

    It is not needy to tell him you’re a little anxious about going long-distance this early into getting to know each other and discussing how he sees that working (logistically, will you still be talking frequently or is this more like a pause until he gets back)? It is okay to communicate about expectations around how you’ll navigate a big change, even though it’s a temporary one. You’re not asking him to define the relationship or commit, it’s just a, this is new territory for me, how should we navigate it? type thing. If he continues to be vague, then you need to think about if this dating situation really works for you or if you’re simply not looking for the same relationship things at the same speed.

    You can also tell him you’re looking forward to spending time together before he leaves. That’s normal to want! I agree with Amy though, making that suggestion about house-sitting when he hasn’t asked for help is extremely imposing. You can ask if his plants are taken care of, but I’m sure he’s already made arrangements if he cares about them, and especially if he’s traveled before. I personally wouldn’t impose that on someone I had only been dating a little while unless I had no other options… and if that was the case, I’d outright ask if I needed to.

    I’m also not a guy, but whether or not I’d want to commit in a situation with this type of timing would have way more to do with my life stage than with the person I’m dating. If I was ready for something serious in my life, the 2 months apart wouldn’t be a big deal at all. If I wasn’t really ready for it, which he may not be if he’s moving slow, I’d wait to decide on official DTR until I got back and could focus better on dating stuff. So again, the best thing to do is make sure you have your own life and interests while he’s gone. That way you’re not just “waiting” for 2 months and hoping for clarity, you’re still living your life and not giving away the control you actually have, which is control over yourself.

    #933980 Reply

    Maddie

    To incorporate what Angiebaby said, because I agree with her too but based on the information I am giving this guy a little benefit of the doubt that it’s slow moving because he knew he’d be leaving, my advice for talking to him about it assumes he’s emotionally mature and available. And that this whole thing is currently an issue at all because it’s still early days and long travel early on leads to confusion. If he wants to go slow and stay vague because he’s avoidant or fears commitment or isn’t over a past injury, ie if you’re feeling confused because he’s unclear or inconsistent with you about what he says he wants, then she’s right to just lean back and see if it fizzles.

    But no matter which way it goes, it’s still important to focus on yourself and your own life while he’s away!

    #933982 Reply

    Ginger

    Oh! What I meant by house sitting is to come by his place, maybe twice a week, to water the plants, and do a bit of housework to upkeep the place, but not stay there. Is house minder a better word?

    Angie Baby – Thank you for sharing your views. I do appreciate your perspective. :)

    TBH, I haven’t been chasing him since we started dating. He does most of the calling, texting, etc.

    Even more so when he pulled away after realising he had developed feelings for me. I didn’t panic. Didn’t make a fuss. Didn’t pursue and actually gave him the space he needed.

    He came back, and is still doing majority of the calling, texting, planning, etc. I would mirror his actions – only invest back when he invests in me.

    In all fairness, I have proactively encouraged him to take space away from me and am glad he’s spending time with friends and family. I do however feel he’s a commitment-phobe.. He’s divorced once. Remarried and widowed.

    I just want to spend more time with him these last two weeks cos am sure he’ll be busy packing, going for physicals, buying supplies, etc.

    Do you still think I should lean way back when he’s gone?

    #933984 Reply

    Ewa

    A guy will enjoy your company without being committed to you for as long as you allow it. Taking it slow , from my experience means I am happy to spend time with you but not going to commit.
    He is going away for 2 months so why would you even want that .

    Regarding the house, you’d have to have his keys and let me tell me you no one has ever had the keys to my place and I know that men are not keen on doing that either. You are not his gf so please don’t act like one.

    #933985 Reply

    Amy S

    Why ? Again I’m asking why are you giving a so called commitment phobe so much of your time and energy. These guys are really so so not worth your time. It never ends well you bend and shape and justify and Google for years for nothing. You just end up hurt and burnt out by them. I also don’t get you rhyming off all the things he has to do before he goes like getting supplies, Medicals etc but you want more time with him. That doesn’t make sense. He has tons to do so I’m going to ask him to give me more of his time. Honestly I would let this one go see yourself as still on the market while he is away and if he gets back to you when he’s back fair enough but if he doesn’t you have your answer.

    #933986 Reply

    Ginger

    Thank youuuuuu Maddie! Your views definitely gave me some clarity!

    Yes, I do intend to focus on myself and life when he’s away. Question is, owing to our not-quite-a-relationship situation, should I wait for him to decide on an official DTR when he gets back or do I go on dating other people? Should I even bring up if we’re still going to be sexually-exclusive when he’s away? How should I even word it? I’m so confused!

    #933987 Reply

    Ginger

    Thank you Ewa and Amy for sharing! I can truly understand your viewpoints cos I don’t wish to end up hurt and burnt out by him. I get what you girls are saying and will not offer to help with the house while he’s away.

    @Amy – What I’m saying is, I know he’ll be busy preparing for his trip, I just want him to put aside some time for us before he leaves. That’s all.

    #933988 Reply

    Maddie

    Hold on. Are you saying you’re sexually exclusive but can still date other people? Or are you exclusively dating? If you’re sexually exclusive but not exclusively dating, I’d 100% keep my options open while he’s gone and then if you’re still available, you can figure things out when he gets back. I read your original post as you are dating exclusively and not seeing other people at all but haven’t put a title on it yet.

    How long ago was he widowed?

    Are you ideally looking to eventually get married (or re-married) to the right person? Do you know if you both want the same things long-term? After a divorce and losing a second spouse, not every person wants to eventually marry again. Or it can take a LONG time for them to get there and that may not be compatible with what you’re looking for.

    #933989 Reply

    AngieBaby

    I knew what you meant by house sitting Ginger. At this stage in your situationship, you shouldn’t have a key to his place or be in there at all when he’s gone. Unless he asked you, you shouldn’t offer and you shouldn’t plot how to get him to ask you and make it seem like his idea. Way too much work and doing too much for someone you aren’t official with. I agree with Amy – stop acting like a GF when you aren’t one.

    Dating exclusively but no label… personally I say no thanks to that arrangement because it’s such a gray area. So you don’t know what it means and you agreed to it?? Are you having sex with him without being sure if even that’s exclusive? You’ve allowed yourself to be backed into a corner and a weak position. He has it all his way. He has you on his terms entirely, from what you’re saying. Please don’t agree to this arrangement in the future. It’s very unfair to you and wastes time you can’t get back.

    He doesn’t have you exclusively – that means YOU decide what you want to do with whom and when while he’s away. You owe him nothing. Although I do believe you both owe each other honesty since you’re gone past just casual dating.

    If HE isn’t putting aside time to spend with you before your trip, then you know where you stand. You’re an option.

    But all that being said – you state you feel that he’s a commitment-phobe. I don’t understand then why you’re then agreeing to all his terms and hoping he’ll want to lock you down. You know that isn’t how commitment-phobes operate. I agree with Maddie. This man, after two marriages ending in divorce and death respectively, may take a long time – if he ever gets there and some men don’t – to be able to be serious about or even consider a third marriage with any woman. You seem to be ignoring your good gut instincts and trying too hard to convince this man to want more with you. Why are you doing that to yourself? What about this man is so attractive?

    As of now, stop trying to orchestrate everything and step WAY back and OBSERVE what he does and doesn’t do. Watch his actions, not his words. You’ll get all your answers – if you’re willing to see them clearly. You may not like what you see, based on what you’ve said about him so far, and regrettably this may not turn out the way you want it to.

    You’ve gotten a lot of good advice and I hope you take heed. We are here trying to help women keep from being hurt and to learn about men. It’s easier than we think to have a good relationship with a good man, that’s what I’ve learned here. One of the key things is to spot quickly when a man isn’t meeting your standards and walk away rather than go into convincing mode.

    #933990 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Sorry, it was Ewa not Amy who said don’t act like a GF when you’re not one.

    #933991 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Any man not your boyfriend by 3 months is never going to be one. You have met no friends? Yuck.

    Why are you playing the cool girl here? Cool girls get taken advantage of.

    Men do what they want and this man is not acting or talking like a boyfriend. You need to always pay attention.

    Btw, a 3rd marriage has a 75% chance of divorce.

    #934001 Reply

    Amy S

    Hi. Just to go along with what the other girls are saying. The best way to not have a difficult relationship is to not get into it. So you are free to go here and this is the best thing to do. This guy who at the start is bringing his best to the table is wishy washy at best so the best chance you have is saying to him in the 2 months he is away you are both still single people and he is free to do as he pleases. This will pique his interest more
    Than if you’re scrambling around trying to be part of his life. And do it. Keep
    Dating. There’s other men out there that will be happy to show you off to
    To their friends and incorporate you into their life. You deserve nothing less. Any guy that makes you wonder and stress. Nah. Life is too
    Short. Good luck.

    #934003 Reply

    GInger

    @Maddie – We are dating exclusively and sexually exclusive. Akin to a genuine couple relationship, just without an official title.

    Thanks ladies – Amy, AngieBaby, Maddie, Ewa, Tallspicy – for your advice and support, and for being so willing to help me figure things out. I am grateful to hear your viewpoints and it has helped me consider new possible choices.

    I’m crying my eyes out as I type this :( but will slowly distance myself from him till he leaves and will use the time apart to step back and observe what he does and doesn’t do, whilst focusing on my own life.

    One question though, should I remove my belongings from his place before he leaves? Cos “officially” we didn’t break up and he hasn’t said he wants to stop seeing me either. He did say he’s interested and attracted to me, my personality and energy.

    He’s been traveling for work before we met, so to him, this is nothing new – it’s just new territory for me. He did mention to me once that men are simple creatures and that women should stop overthinking every little thing.

    Your thoughts?

    #934007 Reply

    Maddie

    I still think you should just tell him the travel and distance is new territory for you and talk about it without expectations or assumptions. And at some point, it will give you clarity to discuss with him the kind of relationship he’s ideally looking for. Practicing good communication is scary, but necessary for enduring relationships. Don’t jump ahead and get your stuff back unless it’s stuff you really wouldn’t be okay with not having when he’s gone / if things fizzle out.

    Most of my past “complicated” dating situations were the result of me and the guy wanting different things, but my being too afraid to ask. Though often I was afraid to ask because deep down I knew the answer. When I stopped being scared to speak up, dating got way easier and simpler for me.

    #934008 Reply

    Amy S

    Get your
    Stuff for goodness sake. It’s 2 months. And then who knows. It’s not breaking up. It’s stuff you need. And he might not be comfortable with it being there cos why would it be. X

    #934022 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Ginger, I’m so sorry this is upsetting for you. It sounds like you really like this guy and want this to move forward. We’ve all been there – we meet a good one and get excited and without knowing it or intending to, kind of jump the gun and get ahead of him.

    I’m glad you both agreed it’s exclusive all the way around, without an official title for now.

    In the future, best not to leave anything at a guy’s place until you’re official and been seeing each other for a while. Hopefully you see him before he goes and you can get whatever it is back without it being awkward. I agree with Amy about getting your things back now but at the same time if it’s going to come across as angry or vengeful for you to ask for your things, and you can do without them for a couple of months, then better to let it ride as Maddie said.

    This will all unfold and work out the way it’s meant to, so try to relax and keep on your happy path.

    #934023 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Can I ask your ages? If he’s divorced and widowed, you both must be older, right?

    Are you looking to get married? Do you know if he’s open to being remarried? I’m just asking this because sometimes guys who are divorced are happy to date a woman casually but never really lock her down and commit. Especially if they’re older. It doesn’t sound to me as if he’s as concerned about the situation as you are, honestly.

    I’m sorry this is happening. The timing is bad. Two months in is a delicate time when dating, and for him to go away for 2 months (the same amount of time you’ve actually been dating) definitely throws a wrench in the development of a relationship. Guys usually decide whether they want to lock you down around the 3-4 month mark, so this travel is disrupting that general time frame.

    #934151 Reply

    Cassy

    It seems like you’re dating but he doesn’t want to take obligations. It means that he’s still looking for another person, I’m sorry but it’s so. Please try to find another person who you can trust

    #934257 Reply

    Ginger

    Ok ladies… I’ve removed all my belongings from his place. He still hasn’t lock me down before leaving and am not hopeful he will.

    He did share with me last week that he has a lot of trust issues with women. However, his actions show that he is not concerned or afraid to lose me. :(

    I’m devastated, I won’t lie… and will be using the time when he is away to lean waaaaay back and work on myself.

    Thank you ladies for being honest with me and reminding me what I deserve, even if I can’t see it at this time. Thank you. 🙏

    #934258 Reply

    Ginger

    I’ve joined a dating app and have 2K + likes… But just not interested in anyone. My heart is really hurting. :(

    #934281 Reply

    Tammy

    Hey i jumpd in late but hv read all the posts. Sorry your hurting but u dont need to get into dating right away. Ur hurt and sad and disappointed that this didnt work out. And thats a natural reaction. Pls just take some time off and meet friends, family. Take up New activities. Getting back into the dating game sooo soon may not work in your favor. You may miss out on potential gud guys since your not quite in the right frame of mind.

    #934511 Reply

    Ginger

    So here’s an update to what’s been happening since he left on Friday.

    Texted me before plane moved off.

    Texted when landed.

    Texted when connecting onto another flight.

    Texted when settled in his hotel room.

    On the whole, he’s been updating me on what’s happening around him; sharing photos, but no FaceTime.

    Thoughts, anyone?

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