What Does He Want From Me?


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This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  K 1 month ago.

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  • #785762 Reply

    Rhonda

    I met a guy online –we really liked each other, but each had big life issues, parents dying lawsuits, and while we started to get together, it never went to the next level. Somehow, I was never available to meet for his last-minute requests At some point, he told me he was not date ready, and friendzoned me, yet started to date a woman 20 years younger. Once he told me this, I backed off and told him I wanted a relationship with a guy and wished him luck. He neglected to listen and contacted me even more once I told him I was dating someone else. Then he started to text me while out with her. Overtime, I got upset and basically told him i was going away – until he slowly got the picture and now contacts me about 1/week or so. I don’t understand if a guy is in a relationship, why he contacts another girl. Is this such a thing as a platonic relationship or i am naive?

    #785768 Reply

    Khadija

    You have a choice not to respond and block him.
    If you’re seeing others why entertain this guy?

    #785781 Reply

    kaye

    You are sitting her pondering something yet from the outside this is so incredibly easy to see!! This guy is not “date ready” and has too many issues going on in his life to date SERIOUSLY. That doesn’t mean he’s not going to want companionship and sex from a woman… he’s just not going to be able to COMMIT to her! Which goes right along with having a casual fling with a woman 20 years younger! Makes all the sense in the world actually because if the relationship isn’t going anywhere then you can certainly pick a person who would never work long term such as with a huge age gap. 

    In summary he’s in a casual relationship and not committed to anyone so he’s free to text you while he’s also with this girl, and he’s probably texting other women too. It’s just how it works if you’re not ready for a relationship. You just have flings. You can ignore him, block him, tell him you never want to speak to him again or whatever you want to do. But don’t think this means he’s changed his mind about wanting a relationship with you or wanting you back.  

    #785782 Reply

    Rhonda

    @Khadija – Thanks– I think I really liked him, and new dates don’t compare

    @kaye Thanks — I keep wondering how a guy sleeps with a woman or texts another while out with her — is he really that disconnected? And yes, I think he wants an ego feed from me, but dont understand if he’s into someone how there’s time/room/thoughts for another woman?

    #785784 Reply

    Anon

    You only have one side of the story- he’s probably not telling the girl he’s sleeping with everything and he’s definitely not telling you really anything. How long have you know each other? How long was he married before he divorced?

    Also as one gets older, the desire to get into a settled relationship actually may lessen especially if you’ve been married a long time.

    #785785 Reply

    Rhonda

    @Anon Thanks! I’ve known him for more than a year- we talked and texted a lot sometimes bout 5 times/day. He was married 6 years, cheated on his wife after 3, some 30 years ago and says he has dated a lot and slept with a “million” women. He’s upfront about with dating a girl — says it’s good because its drama free and wonders how a woman can be so drama free. I was married forever and all new to this

    #785786 Reply

    Newbie

    And you are interested in this manwh*re? Why?

    #785787 Reply

    K

    Rhonda, you need to wise up fast. A guy who tells you all of this stuff up front is saying – don’t expect me to be faithful to you, one woman is not and never will be enough for me.

    If you’re not OK with being with someone like that, then cut him off already. Not someone really worth being “friends” with either, which to him means you’re on the back burner as a back-up girl for his ego boosts.

    Here’s an easy way to tell when to walk away from a man… if your sister, daughter or best friend came and told you the story you’re telling about a guy, would you tell her to stay or dump him? The answers are always pretty obvious when you’re being objective.

    #785788 Reply

    Rhonda

    Thanks- all! Exactly what I needed to hear, objectively.

    Date scheduled with new guy tonight– I’ll let you know my progress and happy since just ended it with another guy, who had performance issues and blamed it on me — My luck has to change! Thanks so much

    #786145 Reply

    Rhonda

    Sorry if this is a repost, but same guy wrote random hi (why not just call or text) when I changed my FB frame and liked what others have said to me, and me to them. Have no clue why. Likehappy or trying to get my attention. Ideas?

    #786147 Reply

    Anon

    Lonely and looking for attention by putting out the least amount of effort- that’s why.

    #786148 Reply

    Rhonda

    Thanks Anon, but if he’s still dating that girl, then why?

    Or just reminding me that he exists? Or has a big EGO and wants attention?

    #786149 Reply

    K

    Rhonda… STOP.

    Be honest, what you’re hoping is this is a sign he secretly likes you and wants you instead of the girl he’s with. It is NOT anything other than him being bored and wanting to keep you in his back pocket. And looks like it’s working.

    Let’s say he leaves her and starts dating you. He will do to you exactly what he’s doing to her – attention seeking from other women.

    One woman is never going to be enough for him. He’s been very honest about that.

    Please stop banging your head against the wall. All you’re going to get is a headache. He isn’t worth your time and energy. Block and ignore. When you do that enough he will go away. You have to genuinely want him to go away though or he will keep this up.

    #786150 Reply

    K

    it doesn’t matter why he’s doing this or any of the other crazy s^&* he’s doing. Quit analyzing him and move on.

    #786154 Reply

    Shoshannah

    I agree with K and to be honest, you sound a bit naive Rhonda. Men like this just “keep tabs” on multiple women and of course, I don’t know this particular one, but I would bet – you’re not the only one. Liking things on fb is their favorite means – the lowest effort possible. Why not text or call, you ask. Well, because imagine texting or calling all those women. You are puzzled that he does texts you even when he’s with her – I’m not sure what reply did you hope for? Would you like to hear that he likes you so much and actually prefers you to her and that’s why he can’t stop himself from contacting you even if with her? He might like you a lot, her too, he’s just the kind of guy who doesn’t have a great sense of loyality. I know men who not only text other women while with their girlfriends, I’ve seen men actually cheating (kissing/having sex) in the same room as their wife was. So to me, this isn’t a proof of how much he likes you, but a proof of what kind of a man he is. You don’t want people like this in your life in any capacity, let alone romantic. I come across people like this at work, so, like it or not, have to deal with them and I just do my best to keep it purely professional. In short, not worth banging your head against the wall, darling!

    #786165 Reply

    Rhonda

    Thanks, all
    I guess i feel incredibly used and burned – he insisted I meet his family and friends, courted me, called me, asked me out a hundred times, and I just couldn’t cancel a business meeting to have lunch with him. I honestly fell for him, and understand why if I was not available a throw-away, 20 years younger made sense.

    That said, I’d like to f-ck with him a bit — get revenge, tease him as he did me. I know its a complete waste of time, but I am angry and not only feel used, but insulted – the younger woman is a complete dog.

    And yes, I am completely naive — I was married to an abusive man, who blindsided me, and planned his leaving for years, with some of our assets neatly packed away, out of my site or so i thought.

    Might i tease this guy, as a way to get back?

    #786166 Reply

    Jo

    Rhonda, you sound unbalanced and really need to work on your issues.

    If you use your energy trying to get revenge all you will achieve is to confirm how much he has got to you. The best revenge is to become happy and contented and forget about him.

    #786167 Reply

    Rhonda

    @Jo – you are right on a number of fronts, and YES he has gotten to me – I will take what you advise to heart, but still want to get back at him — he PLAYED me, I fell for it, found a new playtoy, and continues to haunt me — somewhat sinister

    #786168 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    There’s a Buddhist quote along the lines of, holding on to anger at someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s very appropriate in this case. Holding on to your bitterness towards this man will only poison you, not him.

    He’s gotten to you all right, but what makes you think he would even care enough about you for you to extract revenge? I’m being harsh with you so you understand. He doesn’t care about you. He’s just looking for an ego boost. Do you really think your “revenge” is going to make him realize the error of his ways and see how wrong he is? You’re fooling yourself. You’re getting worked up over his Facebook “likes”?! Don’t give this man so much power over you! The best revenge would be for you to cut him off and move on and not look back.

    I can’t tell from your original post, but did you even meet this guy in person? It sounds like you didn’t. If that’s the case you REALLY need to take a step back from dating. There’s no way you should be this upset over a guy you never met “liking” your stuff on FB.

    #786173 Reply

    Paige

    Rhonda, if you think he’s “haunting” you in “somewhat sinister” way, unfriend and block him on Facebook (and whatever other social media you’re on) and block him on your phone.

    Then grow up, pull up your big girl panties and get on with your life.

    You knew him for a year, weren’t married to him, weren’t exclusive with him – and this is how you behave?

    Jo is absolutely correct – you sound unbalanced (at best). Perhaps your marriage f*cked you up. Perhaps your issues go deeper than that.

    Whatever the reasons, find a therapist and get some help before you spin out of control and show up on one of the stalker programs on ID Discovery.

    He’s not going to give a sh*t if you try to lead him on.

    The only person you’re hurting is you.

    #786174 Reply

    Paige

    That should be ***a*** “somewhat sinister” way.

    My “a” key is sticking.

    Sorry.

    #786180 Reply

    Rhonda

    Y’all on point, thanks!

    I believed my ex was honest and got burnt. I then believed this guy was honest – wined and dined me, flirted, insisted I meet his kids and family and then -springs it one me he’s dating a flugy. Definitely dredged up things from my past – and I am pissed, since I went along for the ride, waiting to see his next move.

    I basically told him to go away, y’all going to love this — after he told me that if I lost a bet, I’d have to watch him have sex with another woman. Great fodder for this blog. So sketch at best.

    I am just going to continue to ignore him – hope he gets the message

    #786195 Reply

    K

    Rhonda, you’ve sustained some serious emotional damage from your marriage. You need to go address that with a therapist or you’re going to keep experiencing the same men and same crappy situations over and over. You are talking like a victim. This revenge stuff sounds like a 5 year old’s idea. YOU will get hurt in the end, not him.

    Don’t “hope” he won’t contact you again. He will. Tell him one more time that you want nothing more to do with him and if he contacts you again you’re going to file a police report of harassment. Then block him everywhere and if he makes any further contact then call the police and let them handle it. You HAVE to be clearly done, and you don’t sound like you are yet.

    The best “revenge” is forgiving yourself your mistakes and completely ignoring him and not giving a damn what he says or does any longer. Dead silence from you will say well more than any words ever could. Your silence says you don’t care about him and have moved on. That will get him more than anything else you would do or say.

    Take your power back by working on yourself with a therapist and becoming your best self. Forget him forget any other guy. This is all about you now. Victims point to what was done to them and cry, endlessly. Choose to be better than that and start valuing yourself. It’s not about trusting others. It’s about trusting yourself.

    You can learn this now and stand up for yourself and take positive action… or you can keep trying to date online and having train wreck experiences. Your choice entirely.

    #786201 Reply

    Rhonda

    Thanks, K –
    Without even knowing me, you have pinpointed what my best friends have said- I have a blindspot for crappy men. And they remind me over and over again, that the reason I did not jump into this guys arms is that I saw red flags, millions of them I agree that silence is the best revenge and I keep working hard at it, xcept he keeps popping up. I will block him, and meantime, proceed with my therapist — she’s working on how to relieve trauma through eye desensitization movement. I’ll keep y’all posted. Thanks so much

    #786202 Reply

    K

    EMDR and tapping are great therapies. I’m really glad you’re getting help. I’m also glad you heard me and the others who have offered advice. Too many women come here asking questions and then argue or get offended when everyone’s intent is only to help.

    Lots of people get out of bad relationships with some trauma. Good on you for seeking out professional assistance to resolve it and get on to live a great life and experience a good relationship. You deserve to be happy.

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