What do I do?


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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tallspicy 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #935609 Reply

    Elektricka

    Hi all,
    I am in the situation in my relationship I really dont know what to do. My boyfriend of 3 years (2years living together), first started with telling him I kiss him too much and sometimes in the situation when it is not suitable (fe, him complaining about something, when I kiss and hug to show support- he doenst see it this way). That would be still ok and understandable, he said he needed bigger social life (also understandable, he moved to the city 9months before covid and didnt manage to find friends). He also said it would be nice to have some common friends, and we agreed we would go to some langauge exchange events or similar events and we would try to make some friends. However, yesterday he told me he read about why he would not feel like kissing me as much as usual and he said it could be because we dont agree with important things. He said in our case it probably is our view to covid and vaccination status. Even tho covid is not such a big topic anymore, he still has in back of his mind that I dont share the same opinion, for him such an important topic. Last year and two years ago we had arguments anout this topic, and then we basically stopped talking about it since it always ended in the argument. I dont really understand why to bring it now as a problem, and I fear he only looks for the reason why to end our relationship. He also mentioned stress, our dog was under surgery and had bad side effects, but I am very stressed and dont know what to do. I am going away for the weekend, and I am worried he decides to break up.
    Thank you.

    #935610 Reply

    Raven

    Hi @Elektricka,
    Sorry to say it looks like you are heading toward a break up…

    Not agreeing on Covid safety is a huge thing to disagree about & probably is impetus for the other things you two disagree about…

    #935611 Reply

    Elektricka

    I dont understand why he adopted a dog with me, why he was telling me two months ago how our relationship is good and we do so many nice things and travels together. Could he just change his mind this quickly?

    #935612 Reply

    Tallspicy

    We can’t answer that, nor do we know if he just changed his focus recently. He might have been having doubts for a while.

    Regardless, there is a path forward. Stop trying to get answers from him. He will feel pressured.

    “Bob, I am observing you seem to having some concerns about our relationship. I would welcome an open conversation about how to make things better between us and work through our challenges. However, I don’t want to pressure you about it, as it seems you are still collecting your thoughts. So, I am opening that door, but I think it would be beneficial right now for us to make sure our relationships with ourselves and others are also in vibrant shape. I am going to focus on that and I look forward to you engaging about how to make us great when you are ready.”

    This will be the scariest thing to say and do. But I suggest you really do it, and choose whether this person as is is the guy you really want. Passive aggressive behavior is a not great trait. You will be very attractive to him by focusing on yourself.

    #935613 Reply

    Tallspicy

    If he is opening the door to thinking if this is the right relationship, I suggest you take him off the pedestal and do the same. Also, if you wanted to marry this man, never live with someone without a ring.

    #935617 Reply

    Maddie

    The dog may have nothing to do with you and your relationship. It sounds like he is feeling depressed and isolated and may have thought the dog and its companionship would help make him feel better rather than thinking it through as it being a relationship milestone to adopt it together.

    I agree that being on the same page about covid / health safety is very important for lifestyle compatibility. It was a consideration with my husband before we got married and is related to building and maintaining trust in a relationship. It is possible that it took your boyfriend a while of living with it and seeing everything through to realize how important it was to him and how stressful it might be to forever differ in your approaches now that no one can deny covid is here to stay. (Some people kept hoping it would really go away for good.)

    There’s no reason for you not to believe he didn’t mean what he said before, though. When he said everything was good, either it was in the moment, or he really *wanted* it to be true and thought if he ignored the differences between you and kept trying to see the positive and believe things were good that they might fix themselves. That doesn’t usually work as you’re finding out now, and indicates he either has some communication issues in resolving problems or needs a long time to figure out how he feels about problems. Neither of those may work well for YOU in a partner, and it is very good to be seriously examining what you want and need in a partner before even further commitment. I agree with Tallspicy that you should be doing the same and looking at him as a partner honestly instead of having the relationship on a pedestal. Sometimes people do just unfortunately grow apart over time, especially when that time has been full of stress and change.

    At this point, you can tell him how you’re feeling (invite him to share with you using that approach instead of badgering him about how he feels), offer that you’re there to listen to him and figure out together how to work through this and make decisions you’re both comfortable with when he’s ready and willing to discuss, and then as Tallspicy said, back off and focus on yourself! If he’s got dealbreakers there’s nothing you can do. But if there still is a way to stay together and solve the disagreements, then fixating on the relationship and trying to make him deal with it instead of doing your own thing will make things harder not easier. Do remember that even if there is a way, it may require compromise that doesn’t work for you, or the time he needs may not fit your needs, so it is okay to be honest with yourself about it if it turns out this is not the right relationship for YOU and isn’t going to work out for YOU. Having some time and space to decide if this is working for YOU now that you’re aware of his doubts is very important, too.

    Good luck, since this is a tough situation to be in, and I hope your dog is recovering well.

    #935623 Reply

    Elektricka

    Thank you ladies for all the responses. I calmed down a bit and I am going to try to look at the things with clear mind.

    Tallspicy, can I ask which part seems like passive aggressive behavior?

    #935624 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Passive aggressive behavior: Criticizing you, giving you a list of problems etc with no resolution, not wanting to kiss you because of covid disagreements that are almost irrelevant now. Taking no responsibility for his own happiness.

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