This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by dana 1 month, 1 week ago.
July 1, 2020 at 11:40 am #795111
my boyfriend and i began dating almost 10 months ago, things moved quite fast, in that time we met family and friends and i even went on holiday with his family. i spent almost half the week at his place from about 5 months in.
he always mentioned how he wanted me to move in with him and he’d often talk about the future. i always felt things were a bit quick but they always felt right so i never spoke up with my concerns because we were both happy however i started to notice discrepancies in our relationship, such as spending all our time with his family but not mine and it started to seem a bit unequal as i was always at his it began to feel i was getting a lot of rules about how he liked things and i couldn’t say much as it was his home after all. we spoke about this but not properly.
then lockdown happened and in a rash decision we decided to move in together, i had assumed this would be fine as he’d often mentioned wanting that. however once i arrived it was clear neither of us was ready and fights became a regular thing eventually leading to a massive blow up with shouting and throwing things. i came home and gave each other space we then decided we just weren’t ready for that step but that we didn’t want to lose each other. things became good between us however he was super busy with work that i felt really neglected and told him so he said he didn’t have a lot of time for me because he was under so much pressure. we spoke and came up with ways to ease his stress and put those in place. for two weeks this worked great and he told me it was helping and then after suddenly not speaking to me for over 3 days he then rang me and said it was over, he needed to concentrate on his career and that he thought too much had happened between us to bounce back. he said he still loves me and always will but that our relationship was becoming unhealthy and he needed space to focus on himself. he said we’d still talk.
i agree with him about needing space but i was really happy so don’t want this to be over because of lockdown. i personally think our problems are all fixable but what if hes right about not being able to come back after everything has happened. no idea how to feel right now. i know this space is necessary but i really miss himJuly 1, 2020 at 1:48 pm #795127
Sorry to hear what your going through, breakups are always difficult especially when you still feel there’s a possibility of it working out. It appears that this year relationships have definitely been up to the challenge. Which in some cases is a good thing because you can see if your relationship can stand obstacles to come. In your case I think it went very quickly, 10 months is really not a long time and moving in is a big step when you don’t really know the person.
I am one to always have a hopeful attitude that if things are meant to be they will eventually come back around to you.
At this point even though it is hard to deal with the break up I suggest you back away and take space for yourself. Focus on yourself and whether this relationship is something you want for yourself in the future. I would not reach out to him and I would let him get his thoughts and priorities in place and you do the same for yourself.
I would also suggest that before moving in with him or anyone you feel 100% ready and make sure that everything is equal. In the sense that you don’t feel like your moving into his space with his rules and your pretty much visiting.
We learn from our mistakes and I don’t think sitting and waiting to see if he comes back is the right attitude but rather take time to treat yourself with love/respect and know that if he is the right person and truly loves you he will come back. The question is will you want him back?July 2, 2020 at 3:48 pm #795211
I wouldnt be too keen in wanting him back. At least not until you gave it at least a month to think. You are describing a relationship where you felt it was all on his terms. Thats not a minor thing. It could be he is set in his ways but you didnt do much about it. So that means you were always taking his side over your own. You think how far you let this go. The last thing you want to become is a person who is all about the relationship and lost herself in the proces. Then when you did decide to move in it became explosive fast. Again not a good sign youre compatible. Give yourself a break from this roller coaster first and stop making it all about the relationship. Take careJuly 2, 2020 at 4:54 pm #795213
Thanks for your responses. I am obviously doing a lot thinking about this and this is me being 100% honest, he always wanted to sort things out and was quick to apologise. i would go into myself and found it hard to admit i was wrong. The inadequacies never appeared until march and of course the lockdown happened a few weeks later so it was never discussed properly. Prior to living together we’d had 3 arguments that he was very quick to initiate fixing. i would often need more time to process but i would then be very open about what i felt had happened and why and we always resolved things on the same page.
it was once we began living together that he was unable to offer me time as he was so bogged down with work, he had nothing left to give. As i was unable to help him with his workload i felt useless and never opened up about anything for fear he already had too much on his plate but he obviously knew that i wasn’t ok which led to the blow up we had as both of us were struggling and not speaking about.
i do not condone his actions in any way and he is aware of that and was very apologetic but i am really seeing the part i played in this and i think i owe him a serious apology….July 2, 2020 at 5:59 pm #795214
You have time to work it out for yourself. Just dont be naive in thinking this is only due to lockdown. Yes in some situations things got cooked in a pressure pan fast but it also has to do with the relationship. He clearly felt overwhelmed by the relationship so Yes give him space and dont be too available to start up again. And then if you feel you need to apologize (its not clear to me for what, youre stubborn? Or within your head) you can always do soJuly 4, 2020 at 4:11 am #795339
i feel the need to apologise as i’ve been looking back at all aspects of our relationship not just what happened with lockdown and have realised that he was always the one trying to move forward after any petty fight and i dragged it out by being really sensitive which meant he naturally ended up feeling blamed and apologising. i tended to say sorry to him only after he said sorry to me even though i was sorry. i guess i kinda assumed he knew but never said it. our relationship was in a really good place before and i pressured him into moving into together, he had thought it would be stressful on him but kept that to himself because he wanted to make me happy and then i arrived and pretty messy and didn’t help out and when he pointed it out i got defensive, something he’d pointed out to me earlier in our relationship but i made excuses. i don’t think this is just to do with lockdown per se but i think a large part of it has actually been my attitude and behaviour and i’ve probably realised too late i need to change certian aspects.