Home › Forums › Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Advice › Wanting a plan for our LDR
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Helen-update *.
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Helen
Since May I have been seeing someone in another city. We try and get together once a month. When together we have a wonderful connection. When not together we do see other people because of the distance.
A few days ago we went away for the holidays. He brought up a relationship and how he is ready for the next step but because of distance seems unrealistic. Said he isn’t afraid of committing and “I feel like if there was a plan with a realistic timeline it might be manageable but who knows what’s going to happen in the next 2-3 years. Makes me sad.” Said he wants to keep doing what we are doing and see how it all works out.
It wasn’t till after I left him that I looked into graduate programs in his city. The only reason why it would take 2-3 years to be together is because I’m in the process of applying to schools and would finish my degree in my city.
I think I may wait till I see him for Valentine’s Day to bring it up but I’m willing to apply in his area if that is what is best for our relationship. I’m nervous because that’s a serious move and when I do say it, I hope the talk we did have wasn’t a joke or to satisfy me. That he would want to work it out if we were in the same city.
Thoughts ?
Mae
How far apart are you? Has he posed any ideas for a “plan with a realistic timeline?”
Helen
I’m in Boston. He is in DC. Hour flight.
He keeps asking me to move to DC. (That’s whenever he is drunk or drunk dials me)
Finally had a legitimate talk sober about it and he did mention again how he would love for me to move there.
He doesn’t fear a commitment with me and doesn’t mind doing a long distance for a little while but there isn’t a realistic plan so he doesn’t know what to really say. Just keeps saying to stay positive.
I haven’t broughten up the school idea
Teri
why does he want you to move? why can’t he?
Just saying, he has a brain to, and you don’t have to try to figure it out on your own.but it sounds like that’s what he’s waiting on is you to ‘make the move’
I may have a similar situation but mine involves kids so a whole different ballgame. When we talk about his relocating its with “us” in mind and the intent that at some realistic mutually agreed upon timefram, I’ll also relocate. But this is way down the pipes now and merely a topic of discussion as he’s still looking at a career move.
Helen
I’m going back to school for nursing. As a nurse I can go anywhere. He on the other hand is working for the government and is moving up in his position.
It’s not him being selfish at all. But if someone is to make the move and be most flexible it would be me.
He hasn’t even asked me to do school out there. That was my idea. Haven’t presented it to him yet
Miss_Aspiring
Valentine’s Day? That’s a long time to wait without telling him, but I get that you want to say it in person. I’d advise to present the idea to him, when you think it’s the best time, and pay careful attention to his reaction. If he seems hesitant, he may not be as committed as you think he is. If he’s genuinely happy and encourages you to apply in his town, then start taking it into serious consideration.
Newbie
I don’t think its so strange to relocate, but i would talk to him about it. I think if you do, it would be wise not to live together but find you own place. But you do have to realize, you didn’t spend that much time together because of the distance, so it may not work out so well in the end. Good luck
Helen
Thanks ladies!
I would not live with him. My best friend just moved there so I would have her. Potentially live with her.
It’s more that we want to actually see if these feelings we have for one another are real. We get along so well. He did admit he would want to see me at my lowest or when I’m sick. Wishes he could be in my life for those days.
Mae
The problem with LDR’s is two-fold:
1) Without an eventual, concrete goal it won’t work in the long run.
2) Because of that, LDR’s disrupt the natural, organic, “pressure-free” flow of relationships. It’s often a hard balance of “living in the moment” and “making it work for the future.”
3) Because of the two above, both parties need to be serious, dedicated, and on the same page. It seems as though you’re not sure if you’re on the same page.
4) All of the above said, I believe they CAN work.Here are my thoughts:
In the grand scheme of things, Boston to D.C. is nothing. You can do every-other weekend visits and still manage to have a perfectly healthy relationship… for a while. Flights are probably relatively cheap, and obviously short, so maybe priority number one is to come up with a “stay-in-the-present” plan (see 2 above) so as to try and maintain the organic flow of a blossoming relationship by still “getting to know one another” on weekends/long weekends here and there.
After several of these visits, you should have an indication as to how he’s feeling about it. And you should most definitely pose your idea. I will caution you to try your best to frame it as you wanting to move for you and your schooling, not for the sake of the relationship. I like the other poster’s suggestion of moving into your own place, but I know that’s not always a practical option. If he openly engages with the idea, then you know. If he seems to have hesitation about it, it’s time to reconsider whether this is right for you.
Mae
I should have said, the problem with LDR’s is 4-fold. Ha. I added to the list after… Brain not functioning today. Sorry.
Helen
Thanks ! I appreciate the great advice !
When we said goodbye on Sunday he said his new year resolution is to spend more time with me. We are going to try for once a month.
I think with him finally having the relationship talk (he takes awhile to open up) I got a little over excited and started to think to much into the future.
I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing with him.. Increase time spent together… Then I’ll know truly his feelings and then bring on the idea. I think it is to soon right now. Besides I can’t apply till next November.
But he never said he didn’t want anything with me. Said “I guess just have to take things a day at a time and stay positive and see what happens ????”
Helen
Those are suppose to be smiley faces not question marks haha
Eric CharlesKeymasterI wrote a few articles about this that might have helpful info in there for you:
https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/long-distance-relationship-make-it-work/
https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/make-a-long-distance-relationship-work/
Helen
Thanks Eric . Great advice !
Helen-update *
Since I wrote on the forum, he has been communicating with me a ton. Constantly wanting to FaceTime and text so I came out with my idea… Nervous at first but went decently well.
” That would be amazing. It would be a serious move though. As much as I want you around in person…that would be a decision that we should both think through. Like you said though, a lot can happen.I’m in favor of whatever is best for us:)”
I told him that I know it’s an intense statement and that I’m sorry I am not doing this in person but I had a lot on my mind and needed to get it off my chest. That if things keep going the way they have been, I feel that it would be a healthy decision.
“I tend to agree with you. If that’s something you’re serious about, we should both give it some thought and talk it through.”
He also said that he is happy that I’m comfortable saying anything to him and that it is important to think rationally about our situation. He said I should never hold back with him and that he is a “big boy” and can handle these types of talks.
I think I just got nervous after reading this forum and some articles about having a “timeline” with LDR and also enjoying every moment for what it is. Hard to stay in a positive state of mind when your not entirely sure what the timeline is.
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