This topic contains 44 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Vera 3 weeks, 3 days ago.
July 9, 2020 at 9:48 pm #795839
Thanks to everyone who has helped me with my previous posts. I’m happy to say I’ve taken your advice and have felt good about the steps I took.
Me: early to mid 30s, single, dating .
I’ve met another gentleman lately who is quite a few years younger. I’m very attracted and have gone out with him twice this past week. I’d say so far he has shown high interest but I still don’t know his motives .
I don’t want to sleep with him anytime soon and don’t want to confuse him or be a tease.
For our third date he suggested going swimming at his place , followed by ordering in food.
This sort of raises alarm bells for me (meaning I’m worried he will think I’ll be sleeping with him since it’s a home date, and that I’m making it too convenient for him) though since I always err on the side of extra caution, I wonder if I’m being too cautious ?
I’m happy to suggest we go out for dinner instead – should I also skip the swimming part ?
Also- if it rains and we cannot even do anything outdoors , what’s another activity I can suggest ? Where I am, no indoor activities yet allowed due to pandemic .
Thanks in advanceJuly 9, 2020 at 9:54 pm #795840
Just to clarify, asking if I’m too cautious just means , should I go over , and once he starts trying things, put a stop to it nicely and that’s that?
(I don’t meant should I just sleep with him)
I’ve done that many times before and to be honest it overall just ends up being a boring date spent at home snuggling and watching tv with someone you don’t know well. I’m not a huge fan of that.July 10, 2020 at 4:23 am #795861
Cant you change it to a picknick on a park where you bring the basics? He might additionally can bring some stuff tooJuly 10, 2020 at 9:30 am #795898
Vera, do not ask him to take you out to dinner. Always suggest a similar inexpensive alternative, as its a waste of money to throw it away on food, and boring talk. Men connect/bond through activities, whereas the more positive the activity experience is, the better your chances of them bonding to you, and eventually falling in love if those experiences continue to be positive.
Do you have a nice park in your area? If so, offer a picnic, and bring along a side or tow plus a frisbee, kite, or a flying helo plane—something that is “fun” so he has a good memory of the time you spent together. This is what ultimately keeps a man interested, whereas if he leaves with a happy face, and pep in his step, then you know there is a pretty good chance he will keep want to keep spending time with you.
Its really about the “TIME” you spend together, outside of the bedroom/sheets, that makes a man fall in love with a woman. The more fun the dates/experiences are, the more likely he’ll keep wanting to see you. Try to stay away from restaurant dates until you’ve had at least a good month or two of fun based activities (positive memories) dates first.July 10, 2020 at 9:41 am #795899
What about a bike ride or a hike? (not sure what options for that are available in your area). A picnic is a great, fun idea, and you can both contribute food. Are there any drive-in movie theaters in your area? My city has started up drive-ins since we started reopening.
Since he suggested swimming at his place, I assume he has a pool. What about swimming at his place and a picnic in his yard, or a nearby park? That way you keep it out of his house (and potentially his bedroom). And if you do start to kiss or make out in his yard (which would be normal, I made out with my BF on our 3rd date, but did not sleep with him until a couple dates later)– it’s easier to put a stop to things so that they don’t escalate if you are not inside his home.
As for weather, you’ll just have to keep an eye on the forecast and hope it isn’t raining or super hot/uncomfortable where you live. Maybe reschedule if the weather is bad?
I agree that a home date is tricky for a 3rd date. To me the home date includes a strong possibility of sex (that’s just me)– I never agree to go to a guy’s home unless I’m ready to sleep with him. I don’t know what this guy’s intentions are, though. He may just be trying to be helpful/creative with date options. With the pandemic shutdown and everything being closed, it has complicated dating. It really sucks that date options are so limited.
Lane is also totally correct that guys bond through activities, so *doing* something enjoyable rather than just sitting in front of the TV will be a much better, more memorable date.July 10, 2020 at 10:07 am #795902
You are all absolutely right – I would much rather do a fun activity . For me too, I don’t bond by just lounging and watching tv , and truthfully that’s been all anyone has been able to do during lockdown and I am sick of lounging!
Great suggestions . I’m also not opposed to hiking in the rain or something like that, could be fun!! I’ll see how creative I can be.July 10, 2020 at 2:56 pm #795948
In addition to all that’s been said: give him suggestions, but let him plan it. ;)July 12, 2020 at 1:12 am #796088
So I’m back. Third Date went well. Ended up doing a bunch of activities which was great. End of night we were making out on couch and I made a comment about how fun it is and that we keep it at that level without more for now and he said yes sure of course that’s fine … then he goes “I’m not looking for anything serious”.
That really made me surprised because up until then he was showing he was super into me. Mind you it’s only been 3 dates! I was still assessing and evaluating him.
Also saying this comment , to me was more about relationship rather than sex , which is what I was talking about when I said to keep things pg13 while making out on couch!
So I said to him, what do you mean exactly ? And I could tell he realized how that sounded and started backtracking . But then I sort of pushed it and said , what did that mean ? And he said well I am not looking to get into a relationship … right now … but I’m dating and want to get to know the person more before I decide .
Honestly that sent me Into a huge mess of confusion in my head . I did not see this coming .
So I told him , ok I see. Well , first of all , you’re assuming that I want to be in a relationship with you right now and that makes me feel bad because I don’t even know you yet! It’s only been 3 dates .
Anyways longer discussion continued where he kept saying things like , oh I think I had a poor choice of words… I want to keep getting to know you, yes maybe for a relationship etc .
Honestly I’m sorry but this made me feel like crap. I told him I want a man who knows what he wants and I understand if he isn’t looking for something serious and if so then we should end it .
I did my best to speak my truth but I think I had too much word vomit . I did keep my cool but still I was quite frustrated .
He said he wants to keep seeing me but I’m quite upset with his overall attitude and the fact that he initially said he’s not looking for serious makes me think that’s his truth.
When someone tells you who they are believe them! Right ?
I told him I don’t know if I want to keep seeing him and I neee time .
Any advice ? He’s a no , right?July 12, 2020 at 2:05 am #796092
Well… Do you want to be a fling or a girlfriend?July 12, 2020 at 4:13 am #796100
Stopped reading at “he doesn’t want anything serious”
Run, people (especially men) mean it when they say that. It doesn’t matter how persistent he has been. That line is commonly used for guys who want to have no strings attached sex. He will feel less guilty afterwards because he warned you in the beginning so if you act clingy or pull the relationship card out he will say “see I told you so…” NO use telling him what you want.July 12, 2020 at 6:43 am #796109
Im not sure this is over. Just see what he does. By itself this is what dating is and he said he needs time.
This started by a funny miscommunication where you said this is nice without expectations where you meant no sex. And he heard: bingo! Bells! I would let it slip and just if he asks you out again. In general many guy date for company and only move to the goal of a relationship when they get really into it. Its not that uncommonJuly 12, 2020 at 7:31 am #796113
I think it was a mistake to push the conversation at that point. Its like you’ve backed him into a corner and now instead of seeing where this goes with you and being relaxed he has the big red she wants a relationship bell going off in his head and that will have an impact on what he does next.
You accidentally introduced a DTR on date three … far too soon. He said he isnt looking for serious and then you pushed and he said he isn’t looking for a relationship, you pushed more and said maybe you should end it. See how that escalated? You are at the discovery stage where you date, sit back, observe his words and actions and take stock of your feelings. You aren’t having sex which is good as you can still have a clear head. At this point i don’t think its bad he started off with saying he doesn’t want anything serious it seemed a throw away comment without much thought, its probably true but that’s because men don’t date like women. They don’t usually date with an “I’m looking for serious” mind set. They see how they feel in the moment and how they feel when not with a woman and they plug away until they are all in or they pull away.
I know you said your response was chill but it read like a full on DTR which may lead to him being scared off. If it does, that’s his loss and you’ve got rid of a time waster. Next time do as you are with fun dates and no sex, but steer clear of the DTRJuly 12, 2020 at 7:32 am #796114
He said it because he meant it. Period. And him acting into you never ever means a man wants something serious with you. Men can date fairly seriously or what appears as seriously for a long time. They can be open to a girlfriend experience and provide a boyfriend experience for companionship. This is why words and actions must match.
Why did you get so upset? Honestly, you are much too over invested in a stranger. You are not giving 0 fs and it shows. While he made a statement/, it seems you made drama. I get that you did not like what he said, and I even get asking him to clarify. However, having a whole discussion about it seems like convincing him. You should not be frustrated when a man tells you he is not looking for something serious because you are on a third date and be has promised and owes you nothing. I suggest that until 4-5 dates in general you literally don’t care what a man says or does and are truely just observing. You essentially got mad at him for wanting something different than you.
Next time you should not shy away from actually asking a man on a 3rd date what he is looking for from dating right now in general. The answer should be – I am open to a relationship with the right person should it happen.
If he contacts you again… maybe see him again, and see what happens, but pull way back and let him do all the work, which you should have been doing anyway.July 12, 2020 at 8:08 am #796116
Thanks guys .
My frustrations was not about him making that comment but about him assuming I wanted to be in a relationship with him .
I was not trying to DTR at all! Ugh I really felt hurt that he thought I wanted to define it !
But that being said … from my experience , a few dates in, a guy who is open to serious wouldn’t just say that!!July 12, 2020 at 8:21 am #796119
I get it, youre in the high alert phase. After being burned a few times and now trying to do it all right. But what tall said: keep your expectations to zero is the key. So you can have some fun. This guy is a fair bit younger, you said, i dont know how many years younger. I think the younger the less ready to settle.July 12, 2020 at 8:39 am #796120
T from NY
I think it is very confusing that you are confused or upset about what he said or when he said it. He very plainly in manspeak spoke at the right time. Maybe if I rephrase what he said to you — After you made it clear you didn’t want to go further physically he basically said “It doesn’t matter how long we wait for sex, or how well we get along, or how amazing of a girl you are – I ain’t lookin for a relationship. So unless you make men who are never going to be your boyfriend court you for no-strings-attached sex, okay then.”
He wasn’t inferring you wanted a relationship right then. He was advising you that you can pace the physical aspect all you want – but the relationship he desires right now is purely casual. And the reason he began backpedaling was because he started to feel his chances of getting sex had been lowered by your emotional reaction.
If you’re looking to explore something more than just sex and companionship, something that has at least the potential for long term – find another guy.July 12, 2020 at 1:21 pm #796132
I’m not clear on why you’re “quite upset.” Does his profile clearly state he wants a relationship or did he tell you that specifically on the first two dates? If not, you shouldn’t be so thrown off center and pissed at him. And the first three to four months, you’re observing to see if he meets your standards for something longer term so also not clear on why you say you “didn’t see it coming.” There’s nothing to see on date 3. It’s very, very early days. Nothing anyone says on the first few dates should make you feel like crap – that means took his “rejection” (because that’s what it is) too personally and you’re looking for acceptance and validation in a relationship with man.
You’re giving non-verbal vibes all the time and your vibe feels like you really want to be in a relationship from the way you’re talking here. He’s picked it up and that’s why you got the reaction you got to an innocent comment.
You’re trying waaaaay too hard. This shouldn’t be that big of a deal at date 3… and also, he’s just outed himself as not for you if you’re looking for more than a bit of fun. He probably invited you for pool and dinner to get laid. He wants to keep seeing you… because he doesn’t want to lose you as an option for sex. And now he’s warned you not to expect anything other than casual from him so you can’t complain if you sleep with him and he disappears.
Throw this one back and don’t date more than a few years younger than you from now on. Guys in their early to mid twenties are generally not interested in settling down. Count yourself lucky you found out this one is a no-fly early on.
And get yourself completely happy with your life as it is. The man isn’t the cake – you are. He’s just the icing. :)July 12, 2020 at 1:29 pm #796133
BTW… let’s be real. When a man says so early on he’s not looking for a relationship it feels like a punch in the gut and a rejection because what he really said is, I’ve already made up my mind that I don’t see anything in you that inspires me to want a future with you. I”m only interested in fun and sex, I’m only interesting in taking from you and not giving much, if anything. OUCH.July 12, 2020 at 1:52 pm #796136
Thanks for the replies .
I was quite upset because it did feel like a rejection . Even worse , it was a rejection from a guy I didn’t even know . Almost feels like a double whammy .
He was giving relationship vibes . If he’s justifying himself for saying something based on my vibes , then I should be justified in feeling surprised and “upset” when he said what he said .
Oh ya for sure I’m glad he said it . I don’t want to waste time if someone has already ruled me out for something real in the future . I was still trying to rule him in . I definitely did not want to become his gf anytime soon but I don’t date for fun for very long .
Yes I think the age thing is a huge factor for sure . Lesson learned. Done with him for sure .July 12, 2020 at 4:29 pm #796154
I agree with Ss. You put pressure on him and so snifted out the potential for a relationship by just allowing him to slowly know you (not while making out on a couch). He let you know he was not interested in a relationship and was likely due to feeling suffocated. The most important thing to a guy is his freedom.
You will meet another and when you do, you can apply your experience and advice offered in this forum…and he will likely be an upgrade. ;)July 12, 2020 at 4:52 pm #796156
Honestly, if it feels like a double whammy you are not emotionally healthy enough to be dating. You need to be able to literally not care what any man not your boyfriend says or does because you don’t know him. Especially at 3 dates. He did not reject you, you are rejecting you… twice. You own your value. No one else does. Period.
At 3 dates you have no idea what he wants and if you saw vibes, you need to wipe your glasses clean. If he was love bombing you, you need better boundaries. At date 3, the only thing you can say is… I think I like/dont like this about him, his words and actions are/are not matching. I let him do the work and see. Nothing more.
And it is totally ok to want and be seeking a relationship…. as long as it is with the right person, not any person. And I think you are giving off any person vibes, not step up and be the right person vibes.July 12, 2020 at 5:58 pm #796162
Completely disagree that she did anything wrong by saying what she said. She didn’t pressure him at all. The truth organically came up. There was zero potential with this guy or the conversation wouldn’t have taken the turn it did. He’s either 1) not interested in her 2) not interested in being in a serious relationship for a personal reason or 3) too young to be ready to get serious with anyone. Doesn’t matter which.
A man who’s ready to meet The One and/or really likes a woman doesn’t say what he said. Period.
She’s missed out on nothing… other than getting used or getting her heart broken.July 12, 2020 at 6:30 pm #796163
Completely agree that only you can reject you. No one makes you feel bad or rejected without your permission and participation.July 12, 2020 at 6:42 pm #796164
She did nothing wrong other than get upset and take it personally. And drag it into a lengthy conversation.Next time own having this conversation by asking… what are you looking for from dating right now? Ask this on the 3rd or 4th date. Make sure you hear what you want and don’t twist it into wanting the same thing if it isn’t.July 13, 2020 at 8:51 am #796194
Vera, sorry but you are five steps ahead of him. Men don’t want “serious relationships” even when they are in a relationship!
Here are some “synonyms” (similar words) for the word serious: solemn, earnest, grave, sober, sombre, unsmiling, poker-faced, stern, grim, dour, humourless, stony-faced. thoughtful, preoccupied, deep in thought, pensive, meditative, ruminative, contemplative, introspective. staid, sedate, studious, bookish.
Think about those words listed above—is that really the kind of the relationship you are wanting or looking for?
It sounds like you are taking it “too serious” and could very well be the vibe your sending out and keeping you from attracting men. I was in a serious relationship (marriage) for over 20 years, and trust me, they SUCK the life out of you! I am now in a “Interdependent” relationship (look it up); whereas if my relationship becomes “serious” then it means I’ve fallen back into co-dependency, or not happy in my relationship.
Most of my relationships evolved the same way this guy’s did btw. I was not *looking* for a relationship, just having FUN doing the single thing where it was the guys who had to wrangle me into a relationship. I always dated ‘casually’ (opposite of serious) because you have no idea who the guy really is, beneath the surface, so you need to be skeptical (not serious) in the beginning or you’re just setting yourself up for potential failure. All you should be doing in the first couple months is listening, observing, watching and getting a good sense of their overall character before you even think about being in a relationship in a guy. Remember, anyone, including yourself, can be on *good behavior* for a short bit (one to two months); whereas its the time after that will ultimately reveal if you, and he, have the *potential* (key word) of it growing into something more long-term, or not.
Dating has become way too heavy and weighty today because women have become far *too serious* out of the gate (first date) so its no wonder men are no longer inclined to get into relationships today–its way too much pressure. Back in the day couples ‘courted’ (look it up) for at least a year or two before they became engaged because you need to get know someone really really really well, before you can really know, so there’s no good reason to rush into it. My advice is to slow down, lean back, chill out and take the word “serious” out of your vocabulary. Kick of your shoes, and have some darn fun splashing around in the dating pool! Stop worrying about what a guy’s motives or intentions are as they will be revealed when they are ready to be revealed. Until then, you’re A FREE AGENT (single person) and need to ACT like the carefree single person you are by meeting and getting to know lots of guys (outside of the sheets) until you meet one who wants you to be his GF and then see where it goes from there.