This topic contains 117 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by gama 2 years, 10 months ago.
June 4, 2017 at 6:16 am #631555
My boyfriend of a year and a half asked for a two week break yesterday. I’m feeling calm about right now, however, it hasn’t even been a full 24hrs so I’m not sure how I’ll feel in a couple of days.
So basically it has been a month that I’ve been evoking the subject of moving in together.
On Friday night yet again I bring this conversation up and he had a very negative reaction which I didn’t really understand as either way we are together 5nights out of 7. We currently live a 15min walk away from eachother. I mostly am at his place cause it is bigger. Anyway Friday didn’t go to well so I didn’t stay.
Yesterday(saturday) he calls me and apologizes for his extreme reaction and asks if we can meet to have a chat.
He again apologizes, he prepares diner for us and then he starts to explain. He tells me that even though I can reassured that he has always been loyal, faithful (I never had a doubt on this) the commitment of moving in together scares him. I ask what is it exactly that scares him since either way right now we are constantly at each others place. He says that he would feel a much more bigger responsibility and more pressure. Then he goes on to say that he realises his reactions are a little immature and that my request is absolutely normal. We are both 36. We’ve talked about our desire to build a family. He says that what if it doesnt work and that it all scares him! I tried to explain that we can never be sure as you can sail smoothly in life with someone for decades and it can still end. Anyway overall his explanations to me were about his insecurities. I listened I gave reassurance in the most neutral way I could because I didn’t want to influence him.
He then goes on to say that he thaught about it all night and he asks if I’d agree to a two week break. He says he needs to understand his reaction and his fear. Of course it worries me and scares me but i accept hoping for the best.
We part ways and have agreed to meet at our favorite restaurant in exactly two weeks time sat the 17th.
In the meantime no contact at all.
It was a very respectful and peaceful exchange and truly I know these are his personal struggles I don’t want to worry I want to stay optimistic but at the same time I don’t want to be dissapointed in case the result I hope isn’t the one he can provide.
What should I do in the meantime? How can I mentally prepare.
What are your impressions of my situation? one have experience something similar?June 4, 2017 at 6:55 am #631562
I understand where you are at mentally and I can understand where he’s at too, moreso him because I was in the same position with my BF (now ex husband) when he broached the subject of me moving in with him around the same benchmark your at.
I honestly believe this has to come from the man first, however it doesn’t sound like he was even close to getting to this point based on his reaction. You are not young and waiting around for a man to make up his mind because you want something he doesn’t is a very bad bet in the long-term.
The two week break is good IMO. Men fall in love in a woman’s absence so he could very well miss you enough that the thought of you not in his life would be too painful. He really needs to come this decision on his own, for his own reasons, in order for it to happen. All you can do is wait it out and if he doesn’t want to take the next step then I would seriously make the break permanent.
There have been too many woman in your position who end up wasting YEARS (some over 10) just for the man to meet that one woman, dump her, and marry the other within a year! You have a big decision to make too, whereas even if he agrees, is it really a victory if you have to continually PUSH or PROD HIM to meet every major milestone from thereon?June 4, 2017 at 7:00 am #631563
You have been together long enough and you are both old enough and established enough to not be on unstable ground.
If you want marriage or commitment someday I would take a good hard look at this. This man has taken you out on the dance floor without leading you anywhere…I always caution women about this…it is a merry go round.
He wants to see if he misses you at all in a two week span….you should really be asking yourself if he is the man you really really want. Do not rest on his decisions about this, make your own.June 4, 2017 at 7:07 am #631565
It is crucial, you dont break the no contact over these 2 weeks…
And you go to his meeting in 2 weeks time (if you go, you will see) confident and normal, not a train wrack…
maybe go there, looking your best, fabuluos and be kind and confident…. and maybe say (before you get his verdict), that you think 2 weeks are not enough for this decision to be made….
Flirt with him, be a bit detached and dont let him decide, if he wants to move in with you…
bring back the spark to your relationship, I think you pressed him lately too much (which is understandable, after 1,5 years) but….
of you really want him, be smart:) tease him and leave him to want more
you have 2 weeks to prepare for this and 2 weeks to think about, if you really want himJune 4, 2017 at 7:19 am #631566
If you practically live together now, the next step should be engagement, not a move in. I agree with others about leaving him be, but I disagree it’s any victory about moving in. Because 6 months or a year from now it will be the same story, except next time the argument will be he isn’t wanting to marry.June 4, 2017 at 8:54 am #631587
You’re not getting any younger, if you want a family you need to think hard.
He is not going forward and you pushing is freaking him out ( though you are right to want more). Living together IS a big deal – but at your age, in your position its nothing compared to any life/family goals you may have – he could be wasting your best years?
Have you talked about marriage or children?
This is tough – but I would say use this time to completely concentrate on YOU’RE life goals, and if he can meet them. You may well have a very tough decision to make.
Good luck.June 4, 2017 at 12:48 pm #631630
I don’t like breaks…
What happens in the 2 weeks?
Are you allowed to see others?
Is he allowed to see others?
Are there consequences for seeing others?
You’ve been together for a year.5
What/how were his previous relationships?June 4, 2017 at 2:04 pm #631655
I am not very positive. He may very well miss you but he has problems with commitment. I am not sure based on these things and that I have been told very similar things in the past that this will end well. Pressure or not, this is normal, he should have initiated but obviously you were stressed out that he had not and in my opinion for the right reasons. I agree that staying calm is great, even better if you can start moving on. In this case I would not expect a positive answer. Of course it is 50-50 and of course you think your chances are even higher but the things he says and that he asks for a break tell me that he is not ready at all. Even if he offers it at the end, not sure that will end well. But this is purely my opinion. I do agree though that due to your age, this is a crucial time for you to make decisions if you want a family: I would keep that in mind.June 4, 2017 at 2:18 pm #631661
Asking for a break in a relationship is hardly ever a good sign. You guys are not on the same page and might never be.
When he comes back, he might pretend to be on board with moving things forward but I’d be very wary of him changing his mind about the relationship again.
If he doesn’t want to move in, that’s his choice. But if you’re ready for this step and he isn’t, then you guys don’t want the same things. It sucks, but don’t let him scare you out wanting the things you want.June 4, 2017 at 2:41 pm #631667
Two weeks gives him time to set up his dating apps, tinder, and get rid of any evidence of a woman having lived in his home.June 4, 2017 at 5:53 pm #631729
I am in a somewhat similar situation. Please keep the responses coming!June 4, 2017 at 6:15 pm #631740
As a woman you would want a guy to commit to you, to ask you to move in, to propose, etc, but that’s not always possible, so it is good that you asked him and it is good that he finally decided to make his decision. It is good that he took 2 weeks to think about it very carefully, I doubt he’d be seeing anyone else, he’d be thinking whether to commit to you permanently or not. To him moving in together means a full commitment and this is how it should be.
At 36 if he decides he can’t commit it will be a good thing for you to know for sure. You don’t want to hang out with him until you are 40 and then break up anyway. He is a man, he can marry at 70 and still have kids.
I think you need to be very careful not to break the no contact in any shape or form, not even social clicks. And take this time to think about your future as well. When you talk accept nothing but a full commitment and be ready to walk away if you don’t get it. You can’t take risks, he can, but you can’t.June 5, 2017 at 7:50 am #631855
Thank you all for your responses. We’ve entered day two of the break. Yesterday I kept busy with friends and the day flew by. Bedtime was a different story and sleep didn’t come easily.
I am not viewing this nor as a positive thing nor as a negative thing. He has to make a final decision and clear things up with himself.
I have not for nice had a doubt on his faithfulness or his feelings. He isn’t very expressive with words but most his actions have always scram out affection. He is a very sensitive man.
I am not breaking the no break. I know this is important. I have been mentally preparing to walk away. Like most of you said i can’t co around for another 4years I am aware of this.
Anyway writing here helps me so yea keep the back coming. D-13 to go.June 5, 2017 at 10:05 am #631864
Been there Done that
I just don’t understand men these days. They are so immature. Scared of commitment. Like you want to have a relationship, spend 5 days in a week together and need a two week break to think about the next steps? Ridiculous. This BF of yours is shady, what happens if you ask him to marry you? he will need a 6 month break? I don’t get it why we women try to fulfill whatever our men ask for? If you weren’t comfortable about the break you should’ve said sorry I am not comfortable with his so if you want a way out…the door is right there. You need to be confident about what you want otherwise these type of people would walk all over you.June 5, 2017 at 10:14 am #631865
I was into some kind of relationship with a guy. He never committed, always being so shady. Then asked for a week space and said he was going to reach out to let me know if he wanted to continue or not. I never heard back from him again, and this is now close to a month. Am I hurt? Yes of course but you know what, if a man doesn’t even know what he wants, why do us women even bother to be with him? We love them but they always want to look for the next best thing and so set them free to do whatever. I’m still struggling to move on, not because I was deeply in love with him, but because I still couldn’t believe he was treated me that way. Was I drunk the entire 7-8 months relationship with this guy? Yeah, probably lol. Anyways, I keep telling myself that, I’m better than that, and the right guy will come.
I think you should drop him already and just quietly move on with your life. He won’t change his mind, you shouldn’t waste more time/effort/feelings on this guy, it’s not worth it.
All the best to you.June 5, 2017 at 10:34 am #631870
To me this doesnt sound good either. At this point in the relationship you should be talking about starting a family (if you want kids) and have a plan, some sort of time table. It should be exiting, not a bomb drop on his head once you get into one step further. I assume he is honest and is unsure and insecure but that might very well block him permanent. Im slightly agreeing with been there done that, in a way that if the talk is due, you are focused in what you want (you have 2 weeks to think about it) and less ensuring etc to his needs. Yes its good to talk calm but that can also mean you can state calmly what you want after you hear him out. I rhink this 2 week break is ridiculous but it might help him to see the light.
You are the only one to know if he has always been a bit wishy washy. Does he see you as the mother of his children, does he say he want to take care of you? Did he make statements like that? Has he always lived alone? All the best, you will get through the break just fine. If he breaks it, i would insist on doing it as planned because you dont want him come running back too soon. He has to be sureJune 5, 2017 at 11:53 am #631888
Hi Sofia! :)
Please keep us updated as I’m in the same situation as you!
It’s difficult and I really think that the men today are much more immature than in the old days.
I mean come on how can you be in a long term relationship and then get scared because of moving in?
I just don’t get itJune 5, 2017 at 12:19 pm #631898
I agreed to the break because Id like to give him a chance.
The other night in a very determined way I said that if we can’t take it to the next level then we should part ways. I was very calm and didn’t make any accusation. I just said that I know clearly what I want and I’m not confused and I also don’t want to force him into anything he doesn’t. I told him let me go my way and you yours.
This is were he said that it isn’t what he wants that he is scared. When I asked scared of what he said of taking the next steps.
I don’t want to defend him in any way. And ultimately this should not be about him but about what I want and whether he can meet my needs. He is not a bad guy. He lacks confidence on some levels and I know I’m more confident them him in the eject of love.
I am finding the break hard maybe because I k ow what I want but i don’t think he requested it to hurt me.
I’m worried but we’ve been really good to eachother and I’m not going to deny that I have a more positive outlook on this then negative one. I don’t k ow if it’s the right farme of mind to have but it’s the one that allows me right now to be ok with what’s happening.
If the feelings are real I’d like to think that this is a small milestone that will allows us to move forward stronger. And if it’s not at least I’ll know that on my end I have it my best shot. I’ve got my own fears and I had been single 5years before embarking into this.
Anyway keep te feedback coming I appreciate it a lot.June 5, 2017 at 2:17 pm #631936
Yes please keep us updated,
I think you’re on the right track. Give him the time and don’t contact him. He needs to come to you now.
I personnally think that you did the right thing by addressing this issue, as being a woman you have a time pressure, he just feels relaxed no pressure. So if you hadn’t talked about it maybe he would have never aproached the subject or even in two years time who knows. Anyway, if finally he wants to move in or not, you can only win because you get an answer.June 7, 2017 at 7:13 am #632350
Reaching out for support.
Today i woke up feeling weak. I have not and will not contact him even though I very badly want to. So I’m w ritting hear instead. There are still a good 10days to go and I have been busy with work and after work activities but i have had urges to call and say hey…haven’t and won’t but just the same felt a need to expires my weakness which is normal I guess.June 7, 2017 at 7:30 am #632357
Sorry you’re going through this Sofia.
The truth is, to wait on any man to make his mind up about you, especially when you’ve been together so long, is pretty soul-destroying. In fact most would say, don’t even do it, it’s not fair on you. But you might regret it later if you don’t hear him out in 10 days.
Stay strong and remember that you’re doing this for the right reasons and you can’t control him, or how he feels about it, or you. You can only control how you respond.
Keep going!June 7, 2017 at 8:18 am #632370
Thank you so much amz.
Your response means a lot to me! Yes it is for the right reasons and if I accepted it’s cause i know he isn’t a bad man and I have always been the yep to give people the benefit of doubt. I can only be patient and hear him out. I may get a positive outcome and if now I’m preparing for a negative one mentally I think it is for self preservation. Expect the worst and hopefully you’ll get the best. Anyway just need to write so I’m not tempted. Thank you again.June 7, 2017 at 8:47 am #632375
Can you take a few days off work and go get some new experience?June 7, 2017 at 8:49 am #632377
You know life is just about a journey and new experience… right?
Work and men just happen to be in betweenJune 7, 2017 at 8:51 am #632378
Glad that helps!
One more thing, no matter what he chooses, remember you are still amazing and worthy and valid.
His opinion of you doesn’t matter nearly as much as the one you have of yourself.