This topic contains 117 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by gama 2 years, 10 months ago.
June 12, 2017 at 8:06 pm #633913
And for all women show up gorgious when he finally tells you if you two should live together or notJune 12, 2017 at 9:37 pm #633922
Sophia…I’ve read every comment in the thread. First off, you are an amazing woman and human being who believes in LOVE. YOU HAVE A VERY POSITIVE AND GROUNDED RELATIONSHIP WITH AN HONEST MAN. THIS MAN DIDNT LIE TO YOU, HE DIDNT LEAD YOU ON, HE DIDNT GIVE YOU YOUR WAY TO KEEP YOU AROUND. THE WOMEN ON HERE SAYING THAT IF IT WAS THIS WAY OR THAT WAY OR THERE’S BEEN ENOUGH TIME..? PLEASE DON’T LISTEN TO THEM…. YOU VALUE YOURSELF AND SO DOES HE, THE FACT THAT THIS MAN WAS HONEST WITH YOU SAYS ALOT ABOUT HIS CHARACTER….TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS…. THERE IS NO PERFECT FORMULA OR TIME FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE DOING GREAT, PERFECT IN FACT.
DON’T GIVE ANY MORE ULTIMATUMS, OR EVEN BEGIN WITH THAT CRAP. NO ONE WANTS TO BE FORCED TO DO ANYTHING. I have anxiety about living with a man after my divorce, so it’s not abnormal for a person to be afraid of this level of commitment. I don’t agree with the woman ever establishing the level of commitment or moving in or getting married, I think this should be left up to the man…. There should be a discussion, and an agreement and when the two people don’t agree, the discussion is closed until you two want to discuss it again. Stop with all the it’s been a year, I’m wasting time. If you’re with the person you love, it’s not a waste of time. You can very well leave this man who loves you to be with someone willing to move in with you, but not treasure you, or isn’t an honest man. Let him think, men need to think, then allow him to be honest. Then you decide if his position is worth you staying around. If not pull back slowly and start dating again. But please allow this man to work through his process. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is pressure a man into a position to later tell u, he never wanted it in the first place and only agreed to it because you pressured him. It won’t be good. So let things naturally evolve. I wish you all the best, but I have a feeling you’ll be fine no matter what. But please don’t play the game. Meet up at the agreed time, and stay true to what you really feel. None of this giving him the cold shoulder. You love him, so show him that. Don’t punish him for being honest and wanting to be sure about thingsJune 13, 2017 at 2:28 am #633940
Thank you for your reply. I think you summon up quit well who I am. I do very much believe in Love and in a healthy, balanced way. And this is also why I don’t think ego has room when love in involved. Idon’t want to play any kind of game. I have beenrespecting the silence because I believe he needs to figure out what all this means to him.
I didn’t pressure you or make any sort of threats. It’s just we are both of a certain age. I would like to build a family, as a woman I have a biological clock that I have to listen too. In your case you were coming out of a divorce maybe you are a mom already maybe you aren’t I don’t know how old you are or what your objectives are. I do agree with you on giving him space, not pressuring and definitely not playing games. And to me that’s how our relationship has been but i do want to move forward and someone on here wrote if it is this hard for him for a move in when we practically already live together how will it be when bigger decisions need to be made and I agree with that too. I think it’s nice to view it all in a romantic way like.love will prevail etc. But often the med we are also master’s of our own destiny. I am wonderful in a very good way and I give a lot and he is wonderful too but there are many wonderful people out there, proof of it all the amazing people on here giving support. But the difference between couples that succeed and those thr done is the ones that do are able to make decisions together, are on the same page about their life desires.
Anyway few more days left and its not about him deciding for us it’s more about getting together and hearing eachother out and then deciding.
Will be updating. Keep the feedback coming.June 14, 2017 at 6:22 am #634245
I absolutely agree with you,
We as women can’t wait forever. We have our biological clock and no matter how much you love a man it doesn’t matter if you’re ready and want to build a family while he is not ready to do this.
In this case you need to move on and find another nice man who IS ready for this, and they exist!
But I understand how hard it must be because now I believe that the problem of “moving in together” is only second important. The most important question to ask yourself now is, if he already panics over this, will he be ready to talk about marriage or children in 1 or 2 years?
I think when you see each other, at first talk about what he has been thinking about the move but then don’t forget to voice your concerns and that you are looking for someone to built a family with and that he should tell you if he’s 100% sure he’s ready or not:
It is NOT selfish to think so. Love is important but if your life goal (or one of your life goals) is to have children you should not put this on the back burner for a man. YOu will regret it (and he can leave you when you are 48 for a younger woman when he decides he actually now wants children )
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t say that your guy is like this, but those are just thoughts that come into my mind and that are worth discussing.
I hope you are doing well and please keep us updated! :)June 14, 2017 at 6:24 am #634246
HI Sofia, just wondering how it’s going? When will the two weeks be up now? Shouldn’t be too far away.
I hope you’re doing ok and continuing to support yourself… Love and light!June 14, 2017 at 6:25 am #634247
I don’t know if my views are right or maybe too radical but I just think about all those cases (that are quite frequent) where women wait 7 or more years for the man to make a real commitment (marriage, engagement) just to be left for someone else (The One)June 14, 2017 at 6:54 am #634252
Thank you so much for your input.you aren’t beeing radical. urging this break I have been think of all the points you make.
Unfortunately sometimes even in there are good feelings and good comparability if both people aren’t on the same page in terms of their desires it’ll never work.
We have discussed family and it was clear that we both would like to be parents at some point. In my case I had stressed before I’m 40.
I will not be staying if we can’t take this baby step forward because precisely as you say I wonder what sort of break he’ll need for the leap.
I’m giving him the space he needs because our relationship was good so I want to respect the silence and give him the benefit of the doubt to face his insecurities. But even if we proceed together now I have certain insecurities that I’ll need to address as time moves along and I won’t let it linger.
Nor am I trying to give him a hard time. I’m just trying to give myself all the opportunities possible to build the type of relationship and future I would like.
Will keep you posted.June 14, 2017 at 7:46 am #634264
Thank you for checking up on me.
The break is soon coming to an end and we are meant to meet on Saturday.
I have been feeling lighter and a lot more sure and less scared. By sure I mean that I believe it’s important to take this step so possibly we can move forward. We’ve never had to make any serious decisions him and I.
I’m not defending him in any way I believe he is sincere and genuine but if he can’t take this step forward it’s a bad sign and unfornutely it may have to be the end.
I feel sad to think like that but i want to stay as realistic as possible.
I will keep you posted. I am still very tempted to each out as the weather is great and taking a walk together tonight or having a meal on the pay so would have been perfect after a long day at work but I’m not reaching out. I’ll be doing exactly what I just said but with my y sister instead.
Thank you so much for all the support.June 14, 2017 at 8:28 am #634275
Just a side note and something I have beenthinking about these past few days.
Shouldn’t he have broken the silence? I know he requested it but in a way if he has the answer he was lookin for shouldn’t he have reached out?
from all I read expecially on here I keep thinking that it’s not a good sign that he hasn’t but then again it doesn’t necesarrily mean it is a bad one either?
What are your insights on this?June 14, 2017 at 8:34 am #634279
Yes i was thinking the exact same thing and thats why i dread the end of this threat by now. I would have expected him to come running back after a week or so if he wanted to continue. But not all men are alike and only he can give you the answerJune 14, 2017 at 8:36 am #634280
Saturday is pretty close now! Although I know it probably feels like ages away.
I think you’re doing well and have done so to keep up NC. You should be proud of yourself, no matter what the outcome.
I don’t know about your comments that he should’ve broken the silence by now and whether that’s a bad sign or not. I’d try not to think about it too much as you just don’t know what he’s thinking until you actually hear from him. I know that’s a lot easier said than done though!
You’re in the home stretch. Not long to go. I’m just wondering, do you guys have actual plans to meet on Saturday, or will you wait until you hear from him that day?June 14, 2017 at 9:35 am #634302
Been there Done that
Sofia- You are handling this situation in a very mature way. Way to go girl!! However I do want to say that I think on Saturday, you should wait for him to message you first. I know you don’t want to play any games or don’t want any ego. But look at it this way. When we first meet a guy, he is the one who comes after us… initiates a contact and asks us out on a date. Men like it that way. I suggest you wait for his message and don’t just jump on messaging him early saturday morning. Let him feel like you are doing well as well and that you are ready for whatever comes your way.
This is what I would do.June 14, 2017 at 9:52 am #634307
One thing that strikes me. You had asked for a month to move in. He either ignored the discussion or said no. Now he needs two weeks? He already had four weeks! What is going to change in two more weeks? You aren’t asking for marriage. Just a move in. There is no additional responsibility. In fact he would have help paying bills and taking care of the house. I think he just wants everything on his terms. And I think asking for two weeks may be his way of determining if you are really the woman he wants to settle down with. And that’s not good in my opinion. You were just fine when he had his own place and could see you when he wanted. But now that you ask him to really be all in, and he has to figure it out? I think you would be foolish to move in even if he asks. This man might budge on living together but wait till you decide you want marriage.June 14, 2017 at 10:03 am #634308
Been there Done that
I totally agree with Patti. Honestly Two weeks seems like really long for me to decide what I want. I usually take a day or two. I have been in a situation where I had to decide whether I want that person in my life or not. It took me two days of silence with that person and sooner realized that I don’t see myself without him. And I broke the silence. When you are deeply in love with someone, you don’t even need two days actually. You can’t live without that person for a single second.
It also could be that in these two weeks he wanted to see if he wants a bachelor life or wants to be fully committed now. I am not trying to make you more nervous or anything but in my mind, if a man asks for a break…he isn’t reliable.June 14, 2017 at 10:47 am #634320
I am not sure the Saturday meeting will resolve everything…. I just dont want you to hung up on this Saturday as an end result, like = everything settled, movin in together, definite answers
2 weeks are not really enough in this situation…. I would remain no contact and stay no contact…
to tell the truth, I would be very offended and frozen by his decision to have this 2 weeks… I mean, it could end well, and I hope it would end well, I just dont see it happening on this Saturday….
Maybe if you change your mindset, he will be eager to follow you… but now you are tooo focused on Saturday, you are too focused on moving in together, to have a family…. if you ease yourself, and let the dynamics change (now he is pressured, and from your posts is clear you think only about your biological clock – not attractive at all)
Can you remember the times you fell in love together? what he loved about you? if you are so determined to get him, then try to focus on your positive side and let slip this control thing
if you can change your mindset, you can get this man… if you can give this a few months and be the attractive and positive yourself and a bit detached, he may want to move in together himself
what are the other options?
1. you change your mindset and he will possibly follow you – few months maybe, just be feminine, positive and stop nagging, be like you were at the beginning – you can still move on afterwards, if its not helping
2. move on and find somebody else, if you are so desperate, because of your biological clock – you can find some other desperate individual, and you can get a family in 1 months, or you can try to look for a long time
If you really want him and not only a “family”, you will try to change your attitude
my opinion only and I hope everything will be fineJune 14, 2017 at 10:53 am #634323
All the comments and questions each one of you has posted on here are interogations and things I have thaught about these past few days as well.
But I am trying not to think on his behalf. I don’t know what is going on in his mind and I don’t want to sit here and guess. I have to wait and hear him out and than make my own conclusions from there.
There are a multitude of probabilities bad and good. He may want out entirely because he is too worried about what he loses, if in he may also just function differently where he needs to take baby steps and be sure. For me it is a 50/50. Ultimetly though at this point it is not so much about the moving in. It is more about his fears and perhaps personal issues he needs to deal with solo.
He has been reliable on many things in the past but as I mentionned we have never had to take/make big decisions. I don’t know what he is thinking and my position now is not to try and guess. It’s to just understand what I want and to be ready not to agree to anything that doesn’t suit me.
I don’t feel angry or in a “fight” mode. I feel more like hey this is where I’d like my life and relationship to be right now are you on board or will we each have to sail our own ships from here on.
I had been making subtle comments about us moving in together for the past month indeed but never spoke about it seriously. it was more stuff like my granmother’s mirror would look good there. Or my antique lap would fit perfectly there. Or we’d have to buy an extra drawer for the rest of my stuff. I had never before said to him my lease is ending in july I won’t renew it. Perhaps it was a bad approach on my end but it is in the past and done. Now i have been clear and I will give him the chance to be clear as well.
As for Saturday I had no intention to confirm or reach out to him prior to our meeting time. I am planning on showing up. I do believe he will be there, I don’t doubt that and if he is not so be it. A clear answer.
I will be keeping you posted.
Thank you for all the feedback.June 14, 2017 at 11:03 am #634327
Sofia, can you please react to my post before? mainly, what made you two fall in love in the first place?June 14, 2017 at 11:07 am #634329
Pandora thanks for your comment but unfortunetly you are off completely. I have not nagged, I have not begged, I have not pleaded or cried. There has not been any drama there have been conversations stating what I want. And to me that is beyond attractive.
I don’t know you personally but with your mind set you can stay in Lala land eternally. This is not about a clock this is about beeing on the same path and knowing what you want out of a relationship.
An I am not trying to “get” him I am trying to build something together. It is not an ego game to me. And the person I want to be with needs to have the same goals as I do and family is one of them but not something I have requested from him in the immediate future. You try to be the best you can and all in with someone and it may or may not work. And all in for me is Heart and Head cuase I am sorry to say Heart alone doesn’t always make the cut. This is not some Holywood movie.
But to each his own. you do it your way and I do it mine. Best of luck to you as well.June 14, 2017 at 11:16 am #634332
Hi Sofia, apologies I tried to post before but my comp crashed so this may be a duplicate!!
Two years ago my exhusband asked for a two week break; it was out of the blue and rather shocking. I did no contact and when we met for ‘the chat’ he said that he didn’t want to be married anymore. We split up and months later he came back to me saying that he loved me and it was all a huge mistake. Unfortunately for him it was too late, I had moved on. I’m not trying to scare you with this, only to highlight that in the context of a long term relationship two weeks really is no time. He may need longer and he may end it with you because he feels pressured under the weight of HIS OWN time limit. My suggestion (which someone told me about long after the split) is to say something akin to;
‘I love you and our happiness is paramount, whether that be together or apart. If you need to be single right now then please do that, if in the future you would like to revisit us and if I’m still available (that is important) then we can talk about it then. But for now I wish you happiness and think that no contact is the best way to go’.
You need to say and mean these things. It works on a lot of levels
1. you are keeping both yours and his dignity in tact
2. you are affording yourself space and time to move on
3. you are demonstrating you don’t need him in your life – sometimes men feel pressured when they think their partner isn’t independent enough / they have to look after their partner.
3. he will see what an incredible kind and loving person he is letting go of
4. you set the boundary that you won’t be waiting for him, showing him you respect yourself.
In doing this you have nothing to loose. You will have the space and time to move on; if he does come back then its on terms that work for both of you. If he doesn’t come back then you have dodged a bullet, you weren’t the one for him and he isn’t the one for you.
I am really hoping he has seen the light and you don’t have to use my line!!! Its just in my experience when men say they want a break it is usually their way of buffering a break up. I will keep everything crossed that for you this is just a small blip on your road to moving in and future happiness.June 14, 2017 at 11:32 am #634335
I like your mindset. Thing with men in my experience has been – they will not value you if you are not the walk away kind of woman. If you want to gain respect, you walk. And I think you may have just gotten there now. His issues are silly, I’m sure you’re a lovely woman and it’s insulting of him to assume you’d be a drag to live with. Like I said I would have already walked away, two weeks ago. It is gracious and empathic of you to hang in there.
If I was in your circumstances, I would not go to this meeting and would be done with this man. 1.5 years is not too much wasted. My advice is to walk away.June 14, 2017 at 11:48 am #634341
My ex BF asked for a break. During this break he hooked up with women, he said he wants to see if this is what he wants. He denied hooking up with women but his mom told me all. In two weeks time period I left him. He came back begging me, threatening me, showing up at my house. But I told him I am done. He said I just wanted a break to see if this is what I want or not but I missed you in this time. My reply was if you couldn’t miss me the very next day…I don’t believe you love me.
Until now I have heard he hasn’t been able to move on. It is going to be a full one year. I walked away because I valued myself. If he knew I am sitting, waiting for him he wouldn’t have ever learned his lesson. I am positive he is not going to repeat the same mistake again when he falls in love with someone.June 14, 2017 at 11:51 am #634342
Thanks Alia for your kind words and encouragement. I haven’t walked because I do Love this man but as I mentioned just above love isn’t the only requirement for a relationship to work. And to answer Pandora what made me fall in love with this man is his genuine consideration of my needs and those of others, his loyalty towards the people that he cares about, are common interest in music, activities and also are ability to talk about everything and nothing. And this is why I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. however I am not in any sort of illusion that all we be rosey if this ends up beeing just a small road block that we overpass. It’s been an eye opener that efforts will be required.
And Hayley thank you! Yes this is something I am definitely ready to do, walk away. And the way you’ve worded it is perfect. If need be this is how i will proceed. And I will not be doing it out of ego, nor to hurt anyone or because i have a biological clock. I will be doing it because I am not confused and because ultimetely I want someone by my side with whom I will be able to move forward and build a future together.June 14, 2017 at 11:57 am #634344
thanks for sharing your experience. I am not a fan of breaks. i had never been with anyone where we needed to do this and this is why precisely I am on here since this started for some insight. I don’t know what kind of rules where established and your reasons for taking a break with your ex man when you did but in my case this is not about another woman or a desire to get more experiences. On this aspect I am sure. This is really his issue with the full commitment and what comes next.
I will keep you posted. Most important is that you have no regrets on your decision and you are moving forard as you wish.June 14, 2017 at 12:04 pm #634345
I’m with you Alia. I would be insulted and turned off if a man said he needed two weeks to make up his mind. What is it that will magically happen in two weeks? Is he going to all of a sudden get his bachelorhood out of his system?
It will be interesting to see what happens. I can already see that th OP is losing patience and interest herself. It’s deflating to think a man you have been with this longall of a sudden doesn’t know what he wants. I have to say, I would have walked that same day and just told him to get in touch when he makes up his mind. But be aware, I might no longer be interested. I know that’s easier said than done. But it’s not like he is buying a new car. What is there to think about at this point. He was practically living with her, had all the perks he wanted, but now that he is asked to be ‘responsible?’ It’s an issue?June 14, 2017 at 12:06 pm #634348
Sofia, I am thinking of you. I admire your poise and grace in this, it’s inspiring.