This topic contains 117 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by gama 2 years, 10 months ago.
June 7, 2017 at 1:08 pm #632521
Anon I wish. It actually crossed my mind to take an extra day or two off just to go on a weekend somewhere but it’s a busy period and won’t be seen too positivelyby my bosses. The week is almost over. Nice suggestion though thank you.June 7, 2017 at 1:12 pm #632524
Amz you are amazing simply for asking the time to offer support to a complete stranger.
I am very grateful to you beautiful stranger!
I find the no contact hard cause it sort of feels like wasted Time we can be spending together. But I feel peaceful that regardless the outcome its for the best long run.
Anyway again thank you!June 7, 2017 at 1:46 pm #632547
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I agree with the others that it is absolutely imperative you don’t break no contact and you give him this 2 week break to think. I really do hope that after spending 5 out of 7 nights a week with you not having you for two weeks will give him the wakeup call he needs to move to the next step. Something similar happened with my husband and I. We got into a fight when we were dating and I had to put my foot down on something and we broke up for a few days. He says those 4 days were the longest of his life. During that time he realized what not having me in his life or his future would feel like and he knew I was the only one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He proposed 3 months later.
But I would be really cautious even if he does come around because while living together is a step in the right direction, I personally wouldn’t do it without being engaged. I really think the next step after a year and a half is an engagement.June 7, 2017 at 1:54 pm #632550
Hi Sofia – whether this break may have a positive or negative outcome, I want you to know that you are doing great so far. We all have been brokenhearted and had been low but after those experiences we grew tougher and better people. And someday, it will make sense why it never worked out with anyone (or maybe with him). Remember, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You can do this.June 8, 2017 at 7:20 am #632712
Hi Kaye thank you for sharing your experience. It gives me some hope but may I ask who reached out to who after those 4days?
I’ve been ting to give him the benefit of the doubt cause i know he isn’t a bad guy but i don’t feel very hopeful today.
I’m starting to think two weeks is a long time when you really want to be with someone. No contact at all, I mean fine not seeing eachother but no contact at all isn’t it like torture?
I don’t know what to expect any more and most feedback or most stuff I read online is all negative. And yet when I last spoke to him no didn’t feel like it was for a bad outcome I felt it was genuinely because he needed to understand his own insecurities.
Anyway was wondering who reached out to who in your case. Cause if it was him that’s a very good sign. I’m fight with myself not to contact. I mean I won’t but it is hard.June 8, 2017 at 7:22 am #632713
April thank you so much for your message. I appreciate the support. I hate how slowly time seems to be passing. I mean we are already at the end of the week and by Saturday half the break will be over but still.June 8, 2017 at 8:24 am #632719
Im really happy you resisted the urge to contact him but instead came here for support. It could potentiallt ruin his thinking proces if you did contact him. I still think its odd that a guy 36 years old wants this break, but it is what it is. Im rooting for you. Try to do something fun as well in this period because it will show you you can have a good tome without him as well. See a movie, have a nice diner etc. It really helpsJune 8, 2017 at 8:30 am #632721
Im not sure if this is true in general but my fiancee told me once that guys are inclined to think that they are invincible and therefore less worried about the future. It sounds silly to me but it does explain why some guys let good deal pass them by only because they dont want to get tied down in the present. I really hope your guy is differentJune 8, 2017 at 8:50 am #632726
It’s not about being invincible. Men aren’t nesters. In general men are loners. They do just fine with or without gfs. There are exceptions, and there are even some men who have to have a woman in his life, I’ve seen some men who won’t break up until he finds the next woman.
But for the most part, it has nothing to do with passing by a good thing. Men don’t think that way. And besides, just because you think it’s a good thing doesn’t mean he feels that way. If a man doesn’t find you to be the woman he wants to settle down with, he isn’t passing up a good thing. He simply has found the right good woman that appeals to him. Just because you are a loyal partner and treat the man well doesn’t mean you are a good fit for each other.June 8, 2017 at 9:40 am #632745
Sofia, you wrote: “There are still a good 10days to go” and “I’m starting to think two weeks is a long time when you really want to be with someone. No contact at all, I mean fine not seeing eachother but no contact at all isn’t it like torture? ”
you are not in the right mindset, I am sorry to say….. I am not surprised your guy wanted a break
for you, this break is just an “unnecessary delay” to get, what you want…. you are counting days to that 2 week time, when he finally annouces, he is ready….. with your mindset is not going to happen this way…
you dont use this time to do something for you, you just wait…. not attractive at allJune 8, 2017 at 9:50 am #632747
I’m sorry but you are not using this time wisely at all!!!
Why are you just sitting around waiting for him to decide your future? You’ve been given a “hall pass” and I would seriously be using every bit of it to re-engage in the world around you instead of him being your world/.
Reconnect with friends, find some hobbies, take up an old passion, go flirt with some random guys, take a mini-trip with some of the girls…go have some darn fun will ya!
I LOVED my breaks when my husband was gone (in the military) and a relative (usually my mother-in-law) took the kids for a week—it was A GIFT to have some ‘me time’ and one of my biggest regrets is that I wish I had taken more of them!June 8, 2017 at 12:10 pm #632797
I think you ladies completely misunderstood my comment. I ment shouldn’t feel like torture to him not that it feels like torture to me. He should need/want to reach out to me just to check up on me if he feels something real. I find it unfortunate that any couple has to reach a point when one or the other needs a break is also what I ment. It isnt the same as a break from your husband cause he is off for military servie or on a work trip. Id like to think that in tjose breaks you know where you stand in his world.
I am not sitting around waiting for him to determine my future I’ve already decided that if he can’t make the commitment I need I walk away. I go about my life the way I would have with or without him. But because I am not a robot I can’t help to feel some sadness that all this is happening. Rest assured I have diner with friends, continue my activities as before and carry on. Sorry that I don’t think of flirting with the next guy that comes my way but i don’t function as such. I take ME time in between men otherwise I can mislead them and myself. Thanks to those who offer support and stay optimistic and for those who feel like laying judgement I guess I can understand given that this is a chat and no one really k owns anyone personally.June 8, 2017 at 12:23 pm #632801
I have never experienced a man asking for a break to decide on our relationship ship status. So to me this doesn’t feel right or normal. I have heard some cases where the break resulted in moving forward, but let’s face it. If a guy needs weeks to decide you are the one, he probably isn’t your man.June 8, 2017 at 12:29 pm #632803
Btw.. his comment about it putting pressure on him? He knows if you move in at some point you want marriage. I would not move with this guy, because even if he agrees, you could be here two years from now asking how to get him to marry you. And at that point it’s too late. You already live with him, love him, and get to play wife without the title.
A man should be begging you to move in and marry him. Not waffling for two weeks.
I agree go out and have fun. But realistically? You are giving him an ultimatum and that rarely works out in the long run.June 8, 2017 at 12:36 pm #632805
Sorry I thought I had responded to you already but I don’t see my post. Having technology issues with the site today for some reason. To answer your question, he is the one who reached out to me after 4 days but then he knew he was at fault for our fight so I wasn’t going to reach out. And unlike your situation it wasn’t a break, but it was a turning point in our relationship where I needed him to show he was committed and that we were moving forward and if it wasn’t it was over.
But the point of my reply was really to let you know that the most important thing you can do right now for the future of your relationship is to respect his request for a break and not to contact him. Allow him to feel what his life is like without you in it and whether or not he’s ready to make that next step.
Yes you are going to be sad and upset because your relationship is in limbo right now and you don’t know what’s going on in his head and his heart. I agree that Lane’s comments about her husband were totally irrelevant. If her husband had said I’m not sure about the future of our marriage so I think we should take a break while I’m off on my military deployment and I’ll let you know how I feel when I get back, THEN maybe she would have some empathy. But she’s right that you need to try to take your mind off this and do things that make you happy. :) In the grand scheme of forever with this guy, two weeks is nothing!! Remember that.June 12, 2017 at 4:47 am #633711
The break period is soon coming to an end and I was just wondering if you guys think I should reconfirm with him if we are still meeting the day before, the same day? Or do I say nothing and wait for him to act first.
I still have some of my stuff at his place that in the eventuality he doesn’t want us to move forward I have to take back.
I don’t want to play any e.g. of came. I just want to clear things up for better or for worse.
Also I’d like to say that as the no contact moves forward it does get easier. There is still a lingering sadness that comes and goes and I still have him on my mind but the lump in my throat seems to have gone.
I feel extremely peaceful and keep telling myself that if it doesn’t work it can only be for the better.
I have been tempted to break the NC just cause i believe things are always solved better by communicating but i have not. I’ve been strong about this. It’s just in my case regardless we do have to speak at least once more. I guess that’s why it’s not yet a break up but just a break.
Also I have been thinking if he does want to move forward I now feel very apprehensive. It’s not that my feelings for him have faded but in a way all this has made me lose confidence. Has anyone out there been on a break and gotten back together and how have you d the comeback?
Thanks all for reading me and giving me your feedback!June 12, 2017 at 6:13 am #633724
Hi Sofia :)
Congrats on sticking to NC during this time! I am really proud of yourself , I know that it is hard!
To answer your question if you should reach out to confirm the plans,
NO don’t do it.
I would advise you to NOT do it because it was HE who asked for a break and no contact.
I would go the day you made plans without confirming anything.
You confirmed both already by deciding to meet up in two weeks time, so just be there on the day, time and place you decided. If he doesn’t show up then that would be very rude and you could still reach out then after this.
i really feel for you and I do hope that everything will turn out for the better.
I wish you a lot of strength, you are not alone!
And I absolutely understand that you’re apprehensive now if he wants to move forward. I woul d be too and I actually am in the same situtaion.
My boyfriend wanted to take several weeks to think about if we should move in together ( i brought it up)
And now I don’t even know if i still want this, because he should have wanted this right away and be excited for it..
Please keep us updated as I’m in the same situation and I really feel for you!
Keep your head up :) hugsJune 12, 2017 at 7:04 am #633736
Thank you so much Juliette for your supportive and positive reply.Yes initially that’s what I was planning to do not reach out and just show up. I’m going to stick to this. And honestly what’s the worst that can happen, he doesn’t show? Well I’ll have my answer loud and clear and so be it.
I really wore my heart on my sleeve and now somehow this silence has only left me questioning myself. I felt very strongly tha he’ll come through and want us to move forward but now I keep questioning whether or not this is the best thing for me. I guess this is the point of the no contact.
Where you and your boyfriend on a no contact or was it just that he wanted to think?
Anyway I will definitely update on here and reach out if need be again cause the last thing I want is to break on the last few days. So let’s stay strong and above all lets put ourselves first for once cause I’m starting to see now that I was giving him a lot more priority than he was me. And if ever this is meant to work things have to come to a better balance.June 12, 2017 at 7:30 am #633740
Hi Sofia :)
Thank you for your kind reply too :)
I really admire your strength and your will.
I think we often dont see how far we’ve already come. We are able to give them space, other women would cling to them and call them night and day. I fell like we should really appreciate and be proud of ourselves how far we’ve come already :)
Yes exactly, in my opinion it is best to just show up and you’ll see if he comes and what he will say.
Now during this time try to analyse what is it that you want? Do you still want to continue if he wants it? And if yes, maybe you need to talk about why he had to think so long?
To answer your question, no we don’t have NC, we continue our relationship normally but yeah he’s supposed to give me an answer by the end of the month which sounds ridiculous now that I’m writing this :p
I have to say you really analysed this perfectly, We are giving their feelings too much priority and we should put our feelings as a priority too.
Yes and try not to break Nc , we are here if you need. Support :)June 12, 2017 at 2:38 pm #633856
I have been reading through the comments and your progression through the past week. I felt compelled to respond to this thread and tell you a few things.
1) You DESERVE commitment – when a man is actively engaged in a relationship that’s where progression shows up and it’s very similar to the feelings you have at the beginning of the relationship where he’s taking the lead and doing the leg work.
2) DON’T settle – I realized you approached him about moving into together however I am not sure that’s the level of commitment you are really seeking, if you’re wanting a family and future you need to know he’s all in. You shouldn’t have to repeat this once you’re living together and want to get married, etc.
3) KNOW your worth – I don’t know you but in case no one has told you lately you’re beautiful & worthy of commitment and love that you don’t have to ASK for but that is given freely. Be clear with yourself of what you want long term and make sure that whoever you’re with that aligns with your end goal.
4) Focus on YOU – I think as women at times we allow ourselves to focus way too much on the relationship & guy we’re with and we begin to neglect ourselves and internalize things especially when things are progressing in our relationship. Starting right NOW and everyday after you should make yourself #1 priority. If we’re not investing in ourselves we can’t be our best for those around us.
5) DON’T live in fear – do not contact your guy following up about the 17th, that shows that you’re sitting around waiting for his decision and you have a very active role in deciding if you want to move forward and what that looks like.
I hope you know & remember that you’re an active participant in the relationship Sofia. I would also evaluate your relationship style and how you can adjust to other styles, see book below – I have found this to be a helpful tool as well.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love
by Amir Levine (Author), Rachel Heller (Author)
DO NOT CONTACT him, I promise the closer you try to get to him the further he will back up. When someone asks for space you have to respect that.June 12, 2017 at 5:23 pm #633893
Thank you so much for this empowering reply.
I agree with all the points you make.
I will say that the first few days were the hardest because I felt sad and for a small while I only thaught of the fun, good times that would end if this didn’t work.
As time passed I feel a lot more confident that all this is happening for a very good reason. It’s funny because today I’m not here wondering whether or not we wil be moving forward. I’m here thinking I know what I want and I’m not settling for anything less. And I’m not saying this just for the moving in part, I’m saying it for some of the points you make too. I want to build with someone something solid and long-term.
All day I’ve been wondering at this point if really he is the right one. And from beeing confident at one point I am w confused. In fact I keep thinking that perhaps two weeks isn’t enough. Also strangely enough I caught myself thinking I am not afraid. I am not afraid to lose this relationship or even this person. Because I know that I was transparent in my feeling, genuine and honest.
Anyway from the day I first posted to today I feel a lot more confident and so much less anxious. I definitely do NOT feel the need to contact him. I feel positive and I think it’ll carry on as such.
I’ve also been thinking he should have contacted me by now if this were right. So maybe this isn’t right. Then again I know he has a small pride/ego so maybe he hasn’t cause of that but i am definitely not going to.
Anyway thank you to all you wonderful humans out there who have been positive, encouraging, empowering, it has been beyond helpful.
Always grateful and happy to read you guys so don’t hesitate to keep the feedback coming!June 12, 2017 at 5:53 pm #633902
Unfortunately he has the psychological upside. I would have taken the tact that I wanted a break for a few days to decide if I wanted to continue as is, because I want a real relationship.
You did the opposite which puts you in the weak spot and waiting on him. Also even if he decides to go further, you will Lways have doubt because you had to push it.
I know my approach is a subtle twist.. but it puts me in control mentally and emotionally. I would take a few days and say, hey. I want a relationship so I have to move on if you don’t. That puts you in charge of your destiny. In this scheme.. you are sitting around waiting to see if he wants to be with you. In my plan he has a few days, but he better be all in and I am in charge of whether or not I even believe him. Just saying…June 12, 2017 at 6:01 pm #633904
I’m with Kayla. If someone needs a two week break from me, they can have the rest of their life without me. I would take this as a breakup and collect my things via a friend or a courrier service. If the things aren’t that important to you, I would let them disappear in the breakup abiss.
Love you and cherish you. You are a decent human being with good values and deserve to be treated with kindness. If this man doesn’t appreciate you, someone else will. There is a man out there who would never let a day go by without sending you a cute message, who would be thrilled to move in with you or anything else you’d like. Build a life with you. I suggest you make yourself visible and known and let that man find you.June 12, 2017 at 6:25 pm #633907
Hey, I recently had a break up. I decided to go no contact definitely for two months or till he contacts me which I have little hopes he will. I caved twice. He wanted to stay in contact after the break up. Now again I started the no contact. Today is the 12th day. I feel terrible. Kind of dead from within. I am still hoping he will contact me. I have no idea what is even the point of no contact. Shouldn’t I be talking to him so he hears my voice and misses spending time with me? Isn’t out of sight, out of mind kinda true?June 12, 2017 at 8:03 pm #633912
Hi Sophia, you are getting in the right mindset: what do you want? I agree that him not reaching out is a bad sign. Bit lots of love ❤️