This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by p 4 weeks ago.
September 28, 2020 at 2:14 am #815315
I was having dinner with my new partner. He has a way of asking deep questions and likes to talk things over, instead of watching a movie her prefers to talk.
He said I’ve noticed you don’t cuddle your cats. I see you pat them but you don’t actually pick them up and cuddle them. He pointed out that they like it and he cuddles them. He then asked me if I cuddle my daughter. She is 12. He said he has never seen me cuddle her. He said he had only met her 3 times by noticed that I hadn’t cuddled her. On these occasions he was in the company of my daughter for a few hours.
I was really hurt by his comments. I told him that my cats are treated well I buy them them best food and take them to the vests when they are not well but I don’t treat them as my children, I have children. My cats sleep on my bed and I pat them etc. One cat hates being picked up. The comment about my daughter and my relationship with her I was just really shocked by. I don’t recall if we had hugged in his presence it’s not Something I think about we just cuddle when we do.
I don’t know what to make if his comments. To be honest it left me hurt and a bit angry to accused of not being a loving parent.
He treats his cat differently. Feeds them off his plate but I prefer to keep my cats away from the table and only give them cat food.
What do you make of these comments? Am I over reacting ?September 28, 2020 at 9:27 am #815385
Looks these questions and observations are superweird and to me are on the spectrum side. Oh hang on did he also ask you if you had asperger or autistic in general? But i dont understand why it hurts you. If these type of questions already hurt you, you must be really fragil. This is an accusation that you are cold towards pets and kids but him asking awkward questions. Im not sure if i could handle someone like him. Sounds exhausting really. I think thats the question to answer hereSeptember 28, 2020 at 9:29 am #815386
Oh Yeah this must be the same guy. Because you worried you were and were checking your daughter for autism. I guess he is still looking for clues lolSeptember 28, 2020 at 9:30 am #815387
And typo: this is NOT an accusation you a a bad mother but him being weirdSeptember 28, 2020 at 12:19 pm #815395
T from NY
Listen there are different color flags when observing the men you are dating. Generally yellow flags (not crazy concerning, but noted for future observation) pink flags (not okay behavior, but maybe not deal breakers) and red flags (definitely not okay behavior and serious consideration of the man, your relationship with him and overall reflection of the relationship).
His comments would be a red flag to me. Healthy relationships are when your partner sees the best in you, thinks you’re amazing, has appropriate boundaries, is supportive and not looking for fault. How dare he insinuate you are not loving enough to your kitties or your daughter? The lesser of the concern would be he is highly judgmental, the greater that he has the potential to be controlling. At the very least he is insensitive and such judgments of you, entertaining them by defending yourself, would eventually lead to an eroding of your self esteem. I recommend taking stock of the partnership as a whole. As for me, I would be wildly turned off by a guy if it was said to me.September 28, 2020 at 2:03 pm #815404
HUH? I would be so totally turned off by those statements.
Those are controlling words IMO. I would view this as a ‘red flag’ and retain this mental note to see if he does it again. If so, then I would seriously reconsider this guy as someone who nit-picks or puts you down will eventually take a toll on your self-esteem if you let it slide. Be leery with this one but also don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself either.September 29, 2020 at 6:54 am #815473
T, your expectations of a relationship will leave you disappointed. One comment is not looking for the bad in you and no one will ever say the right things all the time. If what you wrote is the level of perfection you expect from all words and behaviors from a man or even a friend, you have a lack of compassion/forgiveness for people’s actual behavior. People can love you and support you and say hurtful things and occasionally (this was barely in that category).
I would say to him, can you please clarify the meaning you are attaching to that comment? I feel you are trying to insinuate something and it might not be kind. Is that what you mean?September 29, 2020 at 6:57 am #815474
however to Ts point, if this is a pattern. Then get rid of this nitpicking jerk. He does not seem to get that his behavior and your behavior is not the same thing.September 29, 2020 at 10:38 am #815482
He does nit pick in a way and I am sensitive and so is he. He did ask me if I had Aspergers. I later asked him how he knew so much about it. He knew makes and females presented differently so he must know a bit about it. He told that he wasn’t diagnosed but it’s thought that he is on the spectrum. I said I had wondered as only a person with Aspergers would ever ask a person that.
I am wondering about some hints that there are some controlling behaviours. But I feel good in his company, well at least until he drops these types of questions.September 29, 2020 at 11:11 am #815484
You don’t cuddle your cats :(?
Probably not the popular take on this, but I took his questions as just being observant of your behavior. If you’re taking them so personally, perhaps he hit a nerve. He is your boyfriend after all, why would you jump to the conclusion that he is saying these things to hurt you? And more importantly, if you honestly feel that he is, why are you staying with him?September 29, 2020 at 6:08 pm #815534
T from NY
@Tallspicy. I don’t believe I have unrealistic expectations. I gave 20 years of my life to a narcissist and believe me – comments like those (ones where you question someone inferring something derogatory with little, to no, evidence (such as when the OP said he’d only seen her interact with her daughter a few times) is how controlling behaviors start. I have since known healthier, extremely loving associations and never felt judged – though those men certainly said insensitive things on occasion – which I of course overlooked.
I stand by my assessment that his comments were a red flag as they seem to be fault finding. I didn’t tell her to leave the guy. I just advised assessing the entirety of the interactions because if he’s being that nit picky on such little data – what else might he be doing that she may have overlooked because she might be seeing the best in him?!September 29, 2020 at 6:13 pm #815536
T from NY
Also @Tallspicy – I am hoping also you see the irony in you stating I might lack compassion and forgiveness based off of one post I’ve made. I am definitely one of the most compassionate and forgiving people I know – to a fault. And others in my life have expressed the same. I admire and agree with most of your advice, and concede due to my past experience of being controlled and manipulated I have a higher bar of behavior I will accept from men – but I think your second post on this thread was more what I meant.September 29, 2020 at 6:25 pm #815537
T, I know you are compassionate. I have read many of your comments. I just hate when people make romantic love look like it should be puppies and rainbows and anything less means someone does not love you. There is a totality to a relationship.
If this man is on the spectrum, he was most likely just making an observation. But the poster knows better.
To the poster… this is who this guy is. If it is not working, end it.September 29, 2020 at 6:26 pm #815538
Oops, by that I mean if he just makes direct statements. You keep asking about this man which makes it unlikely to be a good match.September 30, 2020 at 9:53 am #815601
Just when I think things have settled with this guy things get a bit unsettled again.
There is this conversation that comes up regularly where he laments the lack of physical time we spend together. We have known one another for around 8 weeks and we spend all weekend together but only one night due to the fact that I have a child. I had an extra night this week and I spent it with him as my child was away.
We Skype nightly and we text during the day. He sometimes will Skype as well. Most of this is him contacting me but I reciprocate. His point is that for two people that get on so well we don’t spend a lot of physical time together. He brings this up a lot as it’s not enough for him. He tells me he understands but at night he is lonely. Tonight he said what we have is more causal as we only spend the weekends together. I told him that I can’t do anything about it at this stage and in time when my child is comfortable we can spend more night together but it’s too soon now. I said it’s not casual you have asked to be exclusive etc. there is nothing casual about it and I think that most people at this stage one night a week and all weekend would be considered ok.
I don’t know we were having a fun Skype chat and then he goes into a sad mood and brings up that we don’t see each other enough. I let him
Know what it makes me feel like I’m not
giving him enough but His reply was that I was getting too serious and it’s normal for him to miss me.
He said he is really happy with me but he feels like I don’t have enough time for him. He said he is always available for me but doesn’t feel that I am for him as sometimes I’m busy.
I don’t know Why when things are feeling good in this relationship it feels like he rocks the boat.September 30, 2020 at 12:20 pm #815629
I feel calling someone your partner after 8 weeks of dating way too soon. At least for me, i think it took me over a year to do so. Because at that point if felt we were travelling the same path. So i would start with thinking of him more as a potential partner that you are dating to see it you match.
I understand from your other posts that you think you may have aspergers. And as i only know so much about that, the one think i can think of is that two aspergers or somewhere on the spectrum may not be the best match.
If he is asking weird questions thats one thing but sulking on not seeing you enough is well one more thing. I would think that 1 day a week is fine en could go to 2 days a week. But you discus that as equal well partners, you dont go sulk about it and tell you you dont make enough time for him.
I didnt really respond to the T and tall debate about what red flags are but if you add this up this guy does like to make points on how he feel you should be and behave. I find it really offputting and if you think 5 years from now with that kind of guy, always finding fault in you? Thats an attractive perspective?October 1, 2020 at 8:32 pm #816733
Thank you for your responses.
I’m not sure if I am on the spectrum but I do need a lot of alone time to feel recharged. I am quirky in many ways but I’m creative so don’t really run along the mainstream of feeling I have to be a certain way. He doesn’t drain me and I love spending time with him but I’m picking up a codependence in him. I had strong codependency in my marriage so I’m trying to keep things interdependent and healthy.
These are early days and I have a lot of positives to work within this relationship. But I am always ready to flee at the slightest glimpse of a flag. The good thing is that he will talk and work through things which helpful but can also be exhausting at times.
By the way I have noticed another user using P and it’s not me but you guys seem to have not mixed us up so far.