Should I give up on him? Recently Divorced.


Home Forums How To Get My Ex Back Should I give up on him? Recently Divorced.

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  • #413647 Reply
    Jasmin

    So I started dating a guy that I met through friends. Neither of us were looking for a relationship but once we met we had so much in common and so much chemistry it just happened. Everything was going so great, not conflict, we had regular dates, met eachothers families, fiends. Made plans, talked every day. Things were going great, then within a few days he started being a little distant, his divorce being finalized was coming up and he kinda had a freak out moment. He said that we are on different levels emotionally and that he just can’t give me what I need and wants time to work on himself. He broke it off and then about a week later we started talking again. He says he still wants to date me and that he adores me and would regret not giving us a real chance but that he still needs time to work on some things mentally, emotionally, physically. We still keep in touch here and there but not near what we used to. I haven’t heard from him in about a week now. My question is: is he just slowly forgetting about me? Should I work to stay in touch with him? Or just give him space and see if I hear from him? I care about him and miss him so much and want to be with him. But I don’t want to try and force it or add drama or be clingy, I’m just trying to be supportive of whatever he needs because I haven’t been through a divorce so I don’t know the emotions associated with it. Is it bad for me to be the one contacting him? I truly see a future with this guy!

    #414428 Reply
    claire

    HI Jasmin. This all sounds so familiar. I went through this the past year and found myself in your exact situation. He’d pull away, then comeback. It was not good and I wish now I would have walked away a lot sooner. He said he loved and cared for me but still felt broken inside. He eventually moved away and started seeing another girl but has been back home a lot and was and still is in contact. These guys are lost and what I have come to understand is they think they are ready but they are not. I had such bad anxiety our entire relationship and even though I still love him I’m trying to break contact and move on which has proved very difficult due tot he fact that he always seems to come back. He even tells me things are nothing like they are with me with this other girl. Trust your instincts and don’t get too invested. Half the time these guys are acting on impulse and there is no rational to their flaky behavior. Save yourself the heartache.

    #414433 Reply
    Stefanie

    Jasmin, the common wisdom here is to wait at least one and even better two years to date a man after his divorce. And don’t be the first one he dates after the divorce.

    #414472 Reply
    alia

    Do not contact him, get yourself out there dating again. He has been very clear with you and he sounds like a lovely honest man and thank god he is not lying to you or stringing you along. Let him work through his issues and date men who are ready for a relationship. Go on dates, enjoy yourself!

    #414475 Reply
    alia

    And not to be a total downer, he may be dating others now that he is officially divorced. So should you!

    #414479 Reply
    Sherri

    How about asking him to date others as well? N don’t get physical.

    #414567 Reply
    Jasmin

    Yeah Ive heard all of that, to wait. Not to be the first one he dates after his divorce. I just feel like he is different. It’s hard for me to start dating other guys because I simply can’t forget about this one. I only want this one. I know he is not dating anyone else either, so it’s not like he broke things off to mess around with anyone or anything like that. He’s a very genuine, honest guy and we still keep in touch. I just wish there was a way to be able to help him work through this. We have such a real connection and chemistry that it doesn’t make sense to not have a real chance for us. And while dating I was never anxious about where we stood or anything, he’s always really cared about me.

    #414569 Reply
    Stefanie

    Understandable. But you can’t “help” him “work through” it. Time just has to pass. So keep in touch… but in fairness to yourself you do need to keep your options open.

    #414578 Reply
    Jasmin

    Yeah, it’s not like I’m closing myself off to the world. I guess I’m hoping someone who’s been through a divorce can shed some insight on the emotions you go through and how you finally decide to move on. And I know I can’t really help him work through any of it which is kind of why he wanted to take a step back as well. He said he needs to work through this and that these aren’t my problems to deal with and he doesn’t want to bring any old stuff into our relationship. He also said that I make him happy but I can’t be his only source of happiness, that he needs to be happy on his own too in order to be able to give what I need. I mean I do respect his honesty and for being mature about it all. I just wish it wasn’t the end of us in the process.

    #414650 Reply
    Stefanie

    I have. The first six months for me was sheer relief it was over. Then I spent another six months processing and grieving. I tried dating some at that point but I wasn’t ready, i.e. I hadn’t defined what I wanted. I met a few other divorced guys who were various levels of damaged. The more they insist they are OK and ready to move on, the more likely it is they are fooling themselves, particularly if it’s inside the two years.

    You stood up and promised to spend your life with someone and it didn’t work out. It just takes time to filter through that.

    You are very fortunate indeed this man has this much honesty and self-awareness. I had one guy come after me gangbusters and he was the most screwed up. “I’m ready to start another family, I can provide a great life, blah blah blah…” when the truth was he hadn’t dealt at all with his wife of 30 years leaving him for another man and he felt guilty he couldn’t provide his daughter a home… I found out he was living in a shared council flat because he had to give the ex the house. On our 4th date he wound up in tears on my sofa and me holding his hand and offering to look up counseling services for him. You don’t need a head case. Hopefully this man will come around sooner rather than later and be able to pick it up with you.

    #414740 Reply
    Jasmin

    Thank you for your input Stefanie, it means a lot. Sorry you had to go through that. I agree he probably just needs time to sort through it all, I think he was neglecting the grieving process while we were together and once everything was finalized it just hit him even though he’s the one who filed, it’s still a part of your story and it’s not something you anticipate because when you get married you do expect it to be forever so regardless of who’s fault it was, it’s easy to feel like you failed in that relationship and to be afraid of that happening again. I’m still in contact with him and we check in with eachother and I’m still the first person he talks to about things going on. It’s easy for people to say to move on and have no contact and everything but regardless I want him in my life still, I still care about him on a friend level. Hopefully eventually it will be more again and we can pick things back up.

    #415145 Reply
    redcurleysue

    You are very perceptive Jasmin about what a person goes through when divorced/widowed.

    It is the death of a relationship and takes time to grieve and process. The longer the relationship the longer the process unless it was very clear cut (someone cheating, etc.).

    Many times the first relationships are rebound…just getting a person’s feet wet. The person does not know they are doing this…they just want to feel good again…

    I would keep my options all the way open and seriously date others….this has a lot of uncertainty….

    #415152 Reply
    Stefanie

    Jasmin, clearly you care about him and I for one don’t think you have to slam the door in his face. There is nothing wrong with remaining friendly and staying in touch.

    #415165 Reply
    Ivy

    “He said that we are on different levels emotionally and that he just can’t give me what I need and wants time to work on himself. He broke it off ”

    Who contacted who first?

    #415231 Reply
    Jasmin

    Thank you Stefanie, I agree. I don’t want to slam any doors in his face and go all NC on him. I care about him either way. I just want him to get through this and to see him happy and I feel like we make eachother happy which is why I don’t want to give up hope just yet.

    Thanks redcurleysue, I agree. Hair will take time. His divorce was clear cut. She was unfaithful on a few occasions and after trying to work it out multiple times he realized it was time to be done. I think it shows character that he tried to work it out.

    Ivy, that Is what he told me when he broke it off. Frankly I feel like half of it was what other people were telling him too, there were way too many outside people getting involved in our relationship. But I never felt when we were together we were on different levels at all. I felt like he was actually more invested than I, I was very cautious given the situation but was truly falling pretty hard towards the end. After the breakup, he contacted me.

    #415273 Reply
    Ivy

    Jasmin, Well, nobody knows if there is a chance or not, but you do know that right now he isn’t ready for a relationship with you. That is an unfortunate consequence of bad timing. You have to look out for you. Whereas I think it seems ok to keep in contact with him, I personally would not put myself in a place where I was doing the initiating with him. If anything is going to happen he has to be the one to come to you, he has to want it that bad, even if it’s just friendship. If this week that he hasn’t contacted you is because he’s dealing with his own emotions then it’s best to leave him be. I think at this point trying to contact him when he isn’t contacting you would feel like pressue. My suggestion is to be responsive and receptive but don’t initiate. Also, I don’t suggest cutting yourself off from dating other men and holding out for this guy. Stop yourself from this “I truly see a future with this guy”. It’s too soon to know if there is a future and he broke it off, you need to remember that. And yes divorce is difficult especially if he was cheated on. He needs to work through it and should the timing be right and both of you are still single and interested then great. If that doesn’t happen then it wasn’t meant to be. The right man shows up ready and willing. This doesn’t mean we dont’ have baggage and fears it just means the guy is dealing with it and is ready to move forward. This guy isn’t there yet, he might be in the future, but you can’t be waiting around, if he’s the one for you you will only know by moving on and seeing if somehow your paths cross.

    #415632 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Hi again,

    Jasmin – you are obviously a very wise girl.

    Here is the key, you have to realize if he were to be with you then he would be going from one long term relationship to another without a break in between. I know you really care about him and that is wonderful but we have to see this from his point of view also.

    You don’t want him to wake up one day and say – what did I do? You want him to choose you out of all the other women he could choose. He has to have that option time – time to think and choose…

    You could loosely date for a year – while dating others so you are still in contact but I would give him lots of time and space. If he wants to date you too much I would tell him that I really want him to look around so he would be sure that you are the one he wants in the long run. If after a year of you and he both dating others and each other and you two are still an item then it is probably time to start thinking long term.

    If you are meant to be you will – life is a risk but the risk is all worth it when we finally win. Good luck.

    #415731 Reply
    Jasmin

    Thank you all for your advice it’s very helpful. I agree, I need to see this from his point of view as well. He even told me that he was overwhelmed with everything. He wants to be married again but he needs to take the time to be able to move forward. Like he said he’s scared and isn’t ready to think about marriage again just yet until he works through everything. Which I understand where he’s coming from, and I wasn’t expecting marriage right away but it is definitely something I want. Time and space may be the best thing. Timing was definitely a jerk in this situation. And I agree, I think right now I’m just trying to be there for him as a friend without having any alterior motives and just be there if he wants to talk or anything. I haven’t been initiating a lot of contact but usually I just take turns. If he texts me then I’ll text him the next time or whatever.

    #415733 Reply
    Jasmin

    I don’t know if personality types have anything to do with how these situations are handled either. He’s an InFP so they’re not always the greatest at initiating things, they’re introverted a little shy until you get them to open up.

    #419080 Reply
    Good dancer

    Sometimes it can take years for them to even start getting over their divorce. It’s best that you look after your own interests. I would be stepping away from him, and in fact this what might make him wake up and come back towards you

    #481386 Reply
    Emma

    Hi there, found myself in this exact position and was wondering if Jasmin had heard or re-established any contact. My story, like so many others, is pretty much the same. Met a very special man who is very recently divorced (4 months) – married for 20 years. The divorce was protracted (3 years), ugly and costly. We have connected on every level that two people could possibly connect – we have acknowledged to each other that we’ll never find partners that are such a good fit. He never lied, always maintained that he needed time for himself, that the marriage had entailed him playing a parent role and he is clearly going through PTSD – he’s been in therapy and has come an exponentially long way in the last four months. Initially I was fine with having things casual – I know that he’s not playing the field or stringing me along. The universe having the sense of humour that it does left me suddenly reeling with feelings that went well beyond “casual”. He called me and as I expected, told me that he has made an “executive decision” and needs to take some time to think and be selfish. I’m neither bitter nor angry and much as I would like to, I won’t make any contact. This decision needs to be his. I’m two years single out of a very messy and hurtful split so am much further along than he is. As I don’t have 400 suitors banging on my door, time is something that I have. I’m hoping that he’ll decide to make a go of this and I know that if he does, it will be the real deal. Was just wondering if men do indeed return after being set free or if I’m mis-directed in believing in white picket fences and happy endings.

    #481396 Reply
    Kate

    Hi Jasmin…it’s interesting that you should mention MBTI personality typing. Personally, I DO think that this can affect how people process these life events.

    I was in your EXACT situation several years ago. I (an INFJ) was exclusively dating a man (INFP) whose divorce became final about five months in to our relationship (he had been separated for two years so I foolishly assumed he was ready to move on). My experience sounds so similar. We both went into it not sure if we even wanted a serious relationship but fell in love over the course of a few months. Literally the day after his divorce became final he freaked out, began withdrawing, saying he was unsure of how capable he might be, that he loved me but didn’t believe he could provide what I needed, etc. He recognized the delivery of the divorce papers as the trigger and intellectually recognized that it didn’t make a tremendous amount of sense, but he couldn’t help how he felt. He would come after me every time I decided to distance myself and when I would come back, HE would then pull away. I fell into the trap of tying to be his emotional rock and support him through it (with the hope that we would be together on the other side). What I became was his pseudo therapist/enabler. And, I do think that the IN’s have slightly more difficulty in this situation than the majority of the E’s.

    He eventually fell into a deep depression and I told him that I wouldn’t take his calls until he’d spent time in therapy and began taking anti-depressants. I wish I could tell you that we got through it and we are together.

    He and I are still GOOD friends. We love each other, but not in a romantic way. He did come back after about a year of work in therapy and want to try again, but I had moved on (by relinquishing all hope that we could be together) and could clearly see the ways in which we weren’t compatible. I should mention that I am also divorced and went through the stages Stefanie mentioned during my year and half long separation from my ex husband. By the time the divorce papers came around, I was over it and ready to move on….they didn’t really phase me as anything other than logistics. However, what I’ve learned about men and divorce (from the guy I’ve been writing about), is that the delivery of the papers signifies a HUGE personal failure and men don’t process failure in any way like women do. To them, it says something about who they are as providers, fathers and men in general, even if their ex wife was clearly to blame and even if they are the ones who filed. They “failed at life”. They “failed their partner”. And they are absolutely terrified of failing in this way again, especially with someone they love (you).

    He won’t move on in a significant way with anyone else until he gets some professional help and works through this. He may date (as my ex bf did), but it will all probably end quickly with anyone else. Be his friend, suggest he seek help and be his sounding board if you wish (without hoping for more), but don’t try to also be his partner right now. It won’t work because he is broken and you can’t put him back together. If nothing else, you will have a friendship you cherish on the other side.

    You sound very self aware and smart about this. I know it hurts but you know it has nothing to do with you. I’m sure you will make the right decision.

    #625353 Reply
    Marisa

    Jasmin-
    If you’re still out there I’m curious to know how this panned out in the end? (Obviously I found this thread by being in a similar situation)

    #625359 Reply
    Love

    You want only him? How long have you been dating him? The thing is, he doesn’t only want you. You are way too invested for your own good. I hate to echo what others have said, but dating a man right during or after his divorce tends not to last for the long term. Speak from experience. I would pass this one up but keep in touch if you can handle it without going gaga (which I wonder since you state you only want him).

    #678374 Reply
    samesitch!

    i am too so curious what is happening now Jasmine!! if you see us please do tell. my situation is EXACTLY yours. at lease we are not unique. :)

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