Should I contact him or forget him?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Should I contact him or forget him?

This topic contains 37 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Laura 6 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #350889 Reply

    Bee

    Ok, so I haven’t dated a guy in a few years and I recently met a guy on a dating website (which I don’t usually do). We have been in contact for about a month, texting most days until recently. We even met up once and had a great time. He texted me saying he thought I was really nice and we have planned our second date but not yet had it. I last texted him on Friday evening, but since then he hasn’t been in contact and I don’t know whether to text him or leave it?

    I know I’m probably over reacting, but he is the first guy I have really liked in a long time. Even when he was on holiday I wasn’t expecting him to text me and he did. We use watsapp now, and the annoying thing is that I can tell he has seen my message and he has been online a lot, but hasn’t messaged me.

    Any advice? I don’t want to seem desperate and I’m not normally like this but I think it’s because it’s a shock to me that he has been like this. I know men and women think differently about these situations.

    Thanks!

    #350900 Reply

    elle

    Hi Bee, I am in a similar sort of situations except I had been dating the guy for quite a while before he pulled the ignoring/vanishing act on me. Its been over a week for me (we have never gone a day without a message before) and as I was the last to message I am determined to not text him again. He knows where I am/how to get in contact and he knows I like him, nothing is stopping him except himself. I’d say just forget him, its what I am trying to do with mine, unless he reappears with a seriously good explanation.

    #350903 Reply

    Bee

    Thanks for the advice Elle. Sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation. It’s just so odd because he seemed so interested. On purpose whenever we text I tend to leave it a few hours, and on Friday I left it like 10 hours as I was busy, but it will be 3 days this evening and that’s annoyingly long! Men can be so hard to read sometimes. I thought I’d ask on here as my friends were all telling me different things. I mean I have only been on one date so it’s still early days, and one of my friends said to text him as I have nothing to lose but I don’t want to seem too keen. It doesn’t take much to send a message

    #350905 Reply

    Sherry

    Yes please don’t message him. Men, if they want to contact us, NOTHING will stop them. We often try to make things easier for them, wonder if they’re wanting us to show them we like them so then we text them. It never works and this early, the contacting should be on him.

    #350906 Reply

    Harley

    Hi Elle, Bee, there are over a hundred discussions on this forum re texting guys… read the threads. As Sherry said.. don’t so it. Let them chase. if they don’t.. they are not interested. it takes guys DAYS to reply. If thery don’t contact you by end week.. move on to a guy who WILL text you.. consistantly.

    #350907 Reply

    elle

    Should I follow through with the no contacting too Sherry? I’ve been dating my guy for 6 months, I feel like that is too far into a relationship for him to be able to just vanish without a word. I’m feeling that just one single call is all that is needed, if he ignores that too then that is me gone for good!

    #350918 Reply

    Sherry

    In your case, Elle, with time invested, I feel as if you have a right to know what’s going on and not be left in the dark. That said, sometimes that attitude just leads to a guy backing off even more.

    I think it depends on what’s said in that contact… hoping the other ladies here chime in.

    #350919 Reply

    Bee

    Thank you for the advice. It definitely helps getting advice from people online as my friends were just confusing me and telling me not to fuss over it and just text him. I don’t want him to think I’m that easy. Guess I’ll know what to do by the end of the week.

    #350926 Reply

    Harley

    Elle.. you can contact him.. but IF he is needing space.. you MAY push him away further. Whilst I agree with Sherry.. I would wait it out.. at least for another week. IF he comes back.. let him know you would have appreciated him letting you know he needed space as you were worried about him… instead of pissing him off.. THIS lets him know you care about him but ALSO.. NOT TO DO IT AGAIN !IF he pulls this stunt again… consider ditching him. After 6 mths you shuold have the courtesy to know where you stand with him. ARE YOU EXCLUSIVE ??? DOES he call you GF ???

    Bee.. wait it out !

    #350927 Reply

    Ali

    I’ve had this happen to me. Great first date, guy texted me after, we talked about a second date. And then… Nothing. What I’ve realized is that guys are very in the moment. On the date they are having a fun time and really mean what they say. But then later for whatever reason they change their minds. You texting him won’t change anything. I’ve been thru the worrying of should or shouldn’t I text this guy plenty of times. What I’ve come to realize is that yes you could text him, but if he replies maybe he’s just being nice but it still raises your hopes up that this guy is into you so you waste even more time and worry on him. If you just sit back, live your life and date other guys and wait for him to contact you first, then you’ll know his true interest that much sooner. If he doesn’t text within 3-4 days after the first date then you’ll know that much sooner to move on. You met a great guy you liked, but there’s plenty more guys out there you’ll like better. Don’t think of him has being some scarcity that you have to cling on to. Dating takes 2 ppl to be on the same page at the same time. And if he’s not, then oh well. You’re a hot girl with a great personality. His loss!

    #350941 Reply

    LAgirl

    Bee
    One of the mantra’s on here is this:

    Lots of dates = High level of interest by the man
    mostly texts and few face to face dates = low level of interest

    A month worth of texting and only one date is not showing much interest.
    I would move on and keep meeting other men.

    It’s likely he lost interest, or found another woman or two or three online.. that he is chatting up or meeting with.

    Best thing to do with dating is to go into it with zero expectations. It is also a good idea not to text so much and for so long before meeting. Women tend to get attached to what a man SAYS and then you start to think about him as a BF before you even meet him.

    In your case, you got attached to quickly to a man you barely know and only met once.

    #350943 Reply

    Phoebe

    I have a similar situation like Belle…been “seeing” each other for 6 months, low interest on his part, and we haven’t talked to each other in almost a week. I am NOT going to initiate, as it’s usually me to do so.

    I would start dating other guys, but he asked me to be exclusive, and I (stupidly in hindsight) agreed to it, so I’d feel like a douchebag if I started seeing other guys without telling him. I’m kind of waiting to hear from him so I can let him know I’m done, as it seems rather weak on my end to reach out JUST for that purpose.

    #350944 Reply

    Lane

    The ladies gave great advice here.

    Problem is men have become PROS as learning how to speak our language with WORDS, especially through technology which has created a large dilemma in the dating world because its so easy to use and abuse.

    The one thing you need to know about men is they’re about ACTION (DOERS), whereas if their word and actions don’t mesh or align with each other is the BEST MEASUREMENT to use to determine their true interest level in you. If he says “lets go on a bike ride at XYZ” without setting a specific date or time then you pretty much know he’s stringing you along with WORDS. However if he says “lets go bike riding at XYZ this Saturday” and nails down a place and time to go bike riding then you know he’s interested. In a nutshell, the more dates he schedules and time he spends with you one-one-one shows he’s very interested—never ever rely in their words, texts or calls.

    I always suggest women to take a “back seat” and let the man do the driving by taking the initiative to call and schedule dates on a regular basis (at least one to two times a week). You should also be dating other men so you can truly vet (peel back their layers) to make absolutely sure their someone YOU would consider—men pursuit, the woman CHOSE (select) which one they want to be with…always take the POWER POSITION.

    #350945 Reply

    Bee

    Great advice! And it totally get what you are saying. On text he is so confident and sneaky, but in person he was completely different…this is why I wasn’t so sure about the whole online dating cos it’s easy to be someone you’re not online, but when you meet up it’s like they can see you for who you really are.

    I’ve been talking to other guys but nothing has really sparked yet, but I’m in no rush and I want to live my life as stress free as possible.

    #350947 Reply

    Phoebe

    I still don’t know what to do in my situation. lol

    #350949 Reply

    Lane

    Good for you!

    In the past month I have three men pursuing me all at once. Two of them asked me out on a date within a week of meeting them so all I know at this point is that their interested. I always go into it “one date at a time”, keep the communication very limited to just scheduling dates to keep the mystery and intrigue level up because men crave the pursuit which primarily consists of wanting to learn more about you (giving out little tidbits on each date). The first one had too many red flags and was trying to nail me down for a second one, but I took the MAYBE I’ll go out with you again after I check my schedule, lol.

    Meeting the second one on Thursday. The third and I are having scheduling issues due to the upcoming holiday, but if he doesn’t follow through then we’ll probably never speak again because I refuse to initiate texts or calls during the first two months, and rarely after that too because I can’t properly gauge their interest level if they aren’t the one’s doing so. Trust me, if a guy’s really into you he will pursuit you heavily.

    #350951 Reply

    Bee

    That’s nice. Yea the benefits of not being ‘in a relationship’ is that you can be free to date lots of men! I’m considering dating a few who have messaged me to see how things go. They may interest me more when I meet them…

    So if this guy eventually texts me back, when should I reply to him/what should I say? That’s the hard part I’m thinking.

    #350954 Reply

    LAgirl

    Phoebe
    IMO it is unacceptable to accept being exclusive, be together for 6 months and NOT have him contact you in a week’s time. That is ridiculous.

    Did you agree to an exclusive relationship? Or just exclusive sex? Think about that. Because a man who wants the relationship will back it up with actions. The man who wants you to HIMSELF (meaning no competition in the bedroom) will treat you like a FWB, which means he sees/talks to you at HIS convenience and not yours. That type is just stringing you along.. which this man is likely doing.

    In your case I would not wait for him to contact me. I would reach out by PHONE and not text and just tell him. You are ready to be in a relationship with a man who wants to spend quality time together. The frequency of contact and time with him is not in line with what you are looking for.

    Then see what he says. He will either agree with you, in which case you move on. Or he will step things up. BUT, be careful if he steps things up. Sometimes men will do so, in order to keep you hooked and then revert back to their old ways. This is because he doesnt really want you – but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you. You remain an option for him when he decides to make time for you.

    #350955 Reply

    LAgirl

    Bee
    It depends what he texts you. Do you really want to just be a pen pal with this man? I would ignore anything from him unless he actually calls you or sets up a date with you. Other than that, you are just encouraging him to string you along.

    #350956 Reply

    Bee

    True I see what you mean. I’ll just wait and if he does text me I think I will wait a while and think whether I want to be with him or just not talk anymore. To be honest I think it would be good for me to forget him all together cos he may end up replying to me if he has been chatting with another woman and she isn’t interested in him…like I’m his back up plan/plan b. that’s happened to a lot of my friends before

    #350967 Reply

    Phoebe

    LAGirl….we agreed on BOTH types of exclusivity – sexual and not dating others. He was the one who brought up both with no prompting on my end.

    And I agree with you 100%.

    #350976 Reply

    LAgirl

    Its not lame to reach out and tell him you no longer want exclusive with him.

    IMO, it’s lame to wait for him to contact you and THEN say it. This means you were waiting around to hear from him and keeping your own life on hold.

    #351069 Reply

    Amy

    And here’s another example. Been dating for a few months.

    Started w him basically telling me I was to take the lead in how fast we move/dates/etc, making me name dates and places. He always initiated texts and replied within an hour.

    The he slowed down, I would initiate and he would still kindly respond within hour.

    Now he’s told me he’s very busy and he’s backed away a bit but it could just be “timing” so he’d like to contact me in a few days and would still like to date occasionally.

    So – he’s stringing me along right?

    #351073 Reply

    Lane

    Hi Amy,

    Sounds like it. If a man isn’t taking the initiative by contacting, scheduling and planning of dates, then his interest is very low.

    When men use the “I’m too busy” excuse its a big flashing RED LIGHT saying “I’m just not into you”. Trust me, if a guy was truly interested he would clear his calendar to find time to be with you, even if he’s a workaholic. If a man is not doing this, then yes, he’s stringing you along.

    #351075 Reply

    Amy

    Thanks Lane.

    Thoughts on if in a few days he has time and wants to connect? Do I play distant or respond? I hate games.
    He was clearing time for me a lot the last few months and apologizes when we can’t hang….I guess I am being naive in thinking he’ll be interested. Typical girl LOL.

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