Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › Sexually exclusive but no commitment
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Kathy.
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Ses
So, I’ve been seeing a guy since May. Relatively infrequently – geography, work, children (I have two part-time, he has two, sees them less frequently than I see mine). When we met there was loads of physical chemistry – he was bowled over. Very quickly he made clear (within a week or two of meeting) that he wanted a sexually exclusive relationship… but he was not wanting commitment.
We’ve both gone to considerable lengths to see each other – about equal effort, lots of driving. He’s taken me on great dates, we’ve spent evenings, nights and mornings together.
I’ve been concerned that he has much less experience than I do, sexually, and that he almost certainly has a desire to explore that. I openly raised this with him as I couldn’t see how it fitted with a desire to be sexually exclusive and to carry on seeing me. He raised the question of swinging (something I’ve done before, many years ago, but he never has) in order to gain experience without leaving a relationship. We still have not defined what the ‘relationship’ is other than ‘sexually exclusive’.
I was clear with him at the outset that if I engage in a sexual relationship with someone I get attached to them – and have since made clear that exactly that has happened – I am attached to him.
He knows that I get male attention – and not infrequently signs off his messaging for the day/whatever with ‘be good x’..
I went out/offline for a few hours last week, when out for a night in a town closer to him than me but didn’t tell him I was going. There was no reason to tell him and he never asked… but he was really frosty when he found out I was in town and expressed surprise that I hadn’t told him. He was *really* frosty – and went incommunicado overnight. I asked him if I’d annoyed him… he didn’t answer until the second time I asked and simply said ‘hey, if you want to go out in town, you don’t have to run it by me’. But he was clearly annoyed.
Subsquently has asked if I was well behaved when I was away overnight – I told him that of course I had been, he knew I would be.
I get all the feelings that he wants me to be committed without him being… and also feel that he’s more ‘into me’ than he wants to be… and that he doesn’t want me to walk away yet he’s not prepared to give up looking (he still has a very infrequently active, but recently refreshed, dating site profile).
I’m mentally moving towards walking away as I suspect I’m just going to get hurt (I don’t like to be vulnerable and already am)…
But how long can it take for a guy to work out that he doesn’t really want to have a dating profile?! Should I wait, should I ask him about it (I did ask early on – he said he never went on there – and seemingly didn’t for a while – but has changed his location very recently), should I just walk away explaining that it’s not floating my boat anymore…(I *really* like him and don’t want to do that but maybe will just force myself to do so rather than be humiliated)?
Emma
4 months in, it is long enough but you said you don’t see each other often enough. The fact that he refreshed his profile is a tad unnerving. I think at this point you can ask him directly. Do not jump the gun prematurely, listen to what he has to say. There is always time to jump the gun but you won’t be able to undo it, so no don’t “walk away” just yet.
Ask him and see if you believe his answers. If you do, give it some time to see if his behaviour get more consistent, and then decide how to proceed from there.
Lisa
“I get all the feelings that he wants me to be committed without him being… ”
Tell him that you will not be exclusive (sexually and datewise) with any guy
until you are engaged.By that you are implying that he could propose to you, and at the same time not telling him directly what to do.
Jens
You’ve gotten fuzzy about the agreement you two made. Exclusive sex, no commitment. He expects you to remain sexually faithful to him. This is exactly why this FWB stuff doesn’t work after a while. Time to walk, this is getting too complicated and you’re getting too attached.
Pandora
OP (Ses), did you tell him you tried swinger parties in the past??
Lisa, you wrote: “Tell him that you will not be exclusive (sexually and datewise) with any guy
until you are engaged. By that you are implying that he could propose to you, and at the same time not telling him directly what to do.”Lisa, you are kidding, right?
alia
I would tell him directly what he is looking for and ask him, what he is looking for. But to be honest. He sounds like one of those guys who is concerned with how your actions are affecting him and rather oblivious about how his actions are affecting you. I find a relationship be rather one sided in such an arrangement and have chosen to walk away in the past. I don’t think you should shy away from “Getting hurt” in this scenario, because you will gain some answers if you ask questions. I think you will get hurt if you don’t ask questions.
Raven
Why would you agree to this?
Hannah
It sounds like a typical FWB situation. Most of them want you to commit to being exclusive if it’s a regular thing. It doesn’t mean they want a relationship, it means they don’t want to be sharing you with other people.
I would clarify though and have the talk. It doesn’t have to be heavy, just tell him you want to know where each other stands. I have been surprised in the past. I thought one guy was my FWB and he thought we were in a serious relationship!
WhatThe…?
LIsa likes to quote out of her dogeared 1995 copy of The Rules that didn’t get her into a good relationship or keep her marriage together. And she’s now terrified of rocking the boat with her ex by speaking up for herself. So for some reason, she’s here doling out advice on how to date. Fascinating.
redcurleysue
Sounds like the sex got ahead of the emotions on his end here.
And I agree, this all benefits him and not you.
To get yourself out of this cycle you need first to know what you really want as an end goal with any man first. If you want commitment and marriage then go for that in the long game. If you want FWB and hookups then go for that. Define strongly what YOU want.
Then play your cards…you know you cannot sex a man into a relationship. A real relationship takes emotional investment…and fast sex can confuse all the emotions for you and them. So stop early sex…and with this guy I do not know if this can be fixed…you would need to step back and build emotionally, and that is difficult but can be done. Change the focus from sex to learning about him…I do not know that I would stop sex at this point but I would start learning all about him.
You are in a difficult position and you may not win this one, I am sorry.
Ses (OP)
Emma: thank you. I think you’re probably right and I need to ask him directly about the dating profile. The timing of the refresh is such that I almost think it was a ‘reaction’ to me being out last Thursday… but I need to be in the room with him to ask him, to assess the honesty (I can smell a lie at a thousand paces!)
Lisa: thank you, but I don’t want to marry this guy, nor him me! I have no plans to get engaged any time soon…
Jens: the agreement was fuzzy, I think, as I told him I couldn’t do sex without attachment and we just didn’t discuss attachment vs commitment +/- exclusivity. I almost agree with the ‘too attached’ unless it’s not entirely misplaced…
Pandora: yep, we’ve been totally honest with each other about sex and relationship histories… very early on, in fact. Straight and easy conversations over dinner/after dinner etc… so yes, he knows about my experience. I think it’s part of what makes him look a bit like a kid in toys’r’us at Christmas… never met a woman like me etc.
alia: I think you’re right too. I guess I just need to work out which the questions are and what I’m going to do with the possible answers…
Raven: at the absolute outset, it suited me too. I was dating another guy along with this one, I originally decided not to pursue this one because of geography and disparity in experience (I thought he needed to go sow his wild oats, as it were, and move to the same land mass as me, and *then* decide he wanted to see me… instead of all the other way around). Then realised, pretty damn fast, that I really wanted to see what happened with this guy so stopped seing the ‘competition’ as I’m just no good at dating lots of different people.
Hannah: Thank you… he *behaves* and *reacts* as if he doesn’t want me seeing other people…. but *says* that I should do as I please (… he doesn’t want me to sleep with other people (for safety reasons) without discussing it first and he’d prefer it if I just didn’t). I will have the talk – and I think I get what you say about the different perceptions… I think maybe we had different perceptions last week before I went to town, which is why I didn’t think he’d be piqued and he was actually mega-pouty.
redcurleysue: You’re right. Very. I agree with everything you say… My hesitation/challenge with stopping early sex (which I agree with, for the reasons you say to avoid it) is that sex is really important and I wouldn’t want to get very far into a relationship only to discover that the eventual sex really doesn’t ‘do it’ for me…
We had a few texts today… seems more ‘normal’… but I’m thinking a lot and fully intend to ‘have a decent conversation’ with him at the weekend.
Thank you all for advice and support!
Phillygirl
I don’t understand why women don’t listen when a man tells you his intentions.
There is nothing confusing about this. He does not want a relationship with you. He just wants an exclusive FWB-on his terms.
He doesn’t want to be with you, but he also doesn’t want you sleeping with anyone else unless he sanctions it (swinging together).
Men are territorial, just like a toddler with a toy. It’s an ego thing, nothing more.
I think you are going to get hurt. He does not want more than exclusive FWB
Ses
Thank you Phillygirl…
I do understand what you say about ‘listen to their intentions’…
But I also have a very old man friend who says ‘men’s actions speak louder than their words’…
It seems that one is advised to take the most ‘pessimistic’ view of either actions or words – without consideration of why they may be so. In a self-preservation (-ish) way, that makes some sense.
I guess I’ll find my answers by asking him.
He’s told his sons (who asked who he was messaging) that he’s ‘just started seeing me’… to his friends he refers to me as ‘my doctor’ (have heard him on the phone). If I had a purely FWB thing I don’t think I’d tell my kids (late teens) that I was seeing someone… nor tell my mates much about it… but then I’m a woman!
So. Roll on Saturday, I’ll get my answers (I hope).
Ses
And today he asks if we shall look for a holiday between Christmas and New Year…
Would a guy really do that if it was nothing more than sex? I guess they might… ?
Phillygirl
Yes, ,a man would do this for nothing more than sex. Most normal red blooded men love sex. They will sometimes go to great lengths to get it. It does not mean they want ANYTHING more. ESPECIALLY when they make it clear up front that is ALL it is.
I have MANY male friends. They all said that a guy does not tell you he does not want commitment, if there is ANY chance they might see a future with you. Guys won’t risk losing a woman they really want this way. Men can enjoy a woman’s company and being physically intimate, without emotional intimacy.
That is what he is doing. He gets the benefit a steady sexual partner with someone he is comfortable with. He probably likes you, but not in the way or as much as you like him.
By all means speak to him, but I would bet money he will simply reiterate what he told you before. He wants fun and sexual exclusivity but nothing more.
And he refers to you as “his doctor” to his friends?? That sounds like the exact opposite of being transparent he is seeing you. That actually sounds like he is not telling them about you, He is keeping you separate from most of the most important aspects of his life. That separation is intended not to give you a sense of intimacy of this progressing into a relationship.
Women tend to see only the things they want to see, and ingore all the actual signs to the contrary that you are a casual sex buddy.
I will say it again. You are setting yourself up for hurt.
Ses
Thank you… I think you may well be right…
Only correct one bit… his referring to me as his doctor is not to disguise him seeing me – the tone was a jokey and possessive one… and essentially he’s proud to be seeing a doc.
Tina
I agree with Phillygirl 100%!
Of course he probably has certain feelings for you. This is what comes out through some of his actions. BUT he was clear with you – he is not willing to commit. You cannot change that. Don’t think that one day he will wake up and realize it was you all along! Definitely not while you are giving him everything he wants – you are sexually exclusive and also – if I understand correctly – don’t see other men even when he keeps dating others.
Why would he change anything? He knows you are hooked without him committing.
Your first mistake was promising sexual exclusivity without him committing. Why would you do that? Unless you are only looking for easy sex (you don’t sound like that). If you want a quality partner you need to be out there looking, not waiting for this guy to hopefully come around. In my experience he will not.
Jane
He will stick around until he finds another woman worth making a gf. You are his for now girl that he can get easy sex and companionship from with no strings attached.
Phillygirl
I’m sorry, but if really seems you are grasping at straws, trying to find signs some of his actions have hidden meaning.
Even if he acts possessive about you, this does not mean more than an ego thing for him.
Have you watched young children play? They will put down a table y when they are finished be with it. As soon as another child tries to pick up or seems interested in that toy, they get possessive and grab it back. They just don’t want the other kids to have it in case they want to pick it up again and play with it.
They put it down and forget it once they take it away or other interest wanes. It’s not about loving someone he toy. It’s all power, control and about THEIR stuff (ego).
This is the same, and while a somewhat crude comparison….very accurate.
He may be proud he landed a doc, but if that’s only or mostly ego talking that has little to do with deep meaningful feelings
I think you are ignoring the actions that back up his words (or minimize them), while making more (too much) of behaviors that mean nothing.
Yes he likes you. But it’s not love or leading to something meaningful, and he warned you it wouldn’t. I don’t hear anything that says that changed.
Sorry
Phillygirl
Silky autocorrect. Put down a toy (not table) when they are finished playing with it
Ses
I’m about 95% sure you’re all right…
Happily I have a good opportunity to get out of this situation this weekend – and suspect that’s what prompted me asking ‘now’. I’ll see him on Saturday – need to see him face to face – and will come home again before I go on hols on Sunday unless he raises something very clearly different to my understanding of things.
I’m not *totally* daft – just a bit (!) I’m plenty happy enough on my own and you’re quite right, I need to be dating if I want a relationship. If it’s just about sex, that’s easy to find, so it’s not about easy sex! I guess part of my challenge is that I haven’t wanted the ‘full-on’ relationships that other guys I’ve dated have wanted. A very good male friend tells me I’m a commitment-phobe myself… and he has a point… I am not good at compromise and like my own space/time a lot. His observations are of my last few dating scenarios – where, as soon as they start getting more interested, I get less so…
So maybe the thrill of the chase is what I like? Maybe once caught, I lose interest? I dunno…
But yep, I do know that this situation isn’t floating my boat much and I need to stop it!
Thank you all…
Ses
So…
After a little to-ing and fro-ing, and a time out to think on both sides, it’s turned out how I hoped… I told him what I wanted, he explained what he meant by ‘no commitment’ (which wasn’t what i anticipated)..
So are now having an easily understood, exclusive ‘boyfriend’/‘girlfriend’ relationship. Always think boyfriend and girlfriend are funny words at my/his age.
Thank you for your input… it helped me maintain a balance!
Kathy
I’m glad it turned out the way you wanted!!
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