Sex and dating multiple men until a commitment is made

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  • #404868 Reply


    The advice these days is to date multiple men until one of them asks for a commitment. But I find this really confusing because sometimes this means you end up having sex with multiple guys and more than one may end up wanting a commitment and you have to choose. This happened to me last time with 2 guys and they were both pissed off at me. I swore I wouldn’t let this happen again.

    So this time, I am dating a guy that is 1.5 hrs drive away, and someone that is much farther who I haven’t met yet, but I seem to have a better connection with. I also have a local guy interested and one that is an 8 hr drive away (but I don’t know them as well). How do you balance all this? Is it okay to have sex with more than one guy while you are dating? Do I keep meeting new guys? What do I tell long distance guy one when I am going to a different location to meet guy 2? Also, do you tell them you are dating others (and does this imply you are having sex?). Help!

    #404882 Reply

    Laura L.

    Z –

    After my divorce, I dated and had sex with more than one man at a time. I didn’t tell them about each other because I wasn’t in a committed relationship with them. Men do this all the time and they don’t worry about it. I think it is fine in the earlier stages BUT you HAVE to use protection. If one asks, you should be honest.

    Personally if I did it again, I wouldn’t have sex until I had a commitment. It makes everything so much simpler.

    #404891 Reply


    So, the guy who is the farthest doesn’t want me to sleep with other guys. He told me he told his boss I was his girlfriend. I haven’t met him yet, but he’s the one I like the most, but the huge distance also makes his the most challenging. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to stop dating. What would you do?

    #404892 Reply


    I find this so wrong…im a men never cheated and never dated more then one girl at a time….and don’t enjoy one night stands…if you going to date someone on any level then don’t see or have sex with other people its not right to the other person feelings and how can you build a deeper relationship with someone when your busy talking and having sex with someone else…and why would someone wish to commit to someone that’s sleeping around….its all very sluty and very common for woman to sleep around these days …. more so then men and woman ask where the good guys are and why men will not commit to them…..then stop sleeping around….close your legs and get to know someone and act like the girl that can be trusted and maybe you may keep a bloke.

    #404900 Reply


    I appreciate your perspective. Ideally I agree, but I’ve been so many times by guys who were dating multiple women.

    And what if the one guy I like best is the farthest and I haven’t met him yet. At what point do you stop dating other people?

    #404905 Reply


    I agree canaan but the man has to make his intentions very clear in the beginning because too many men are “time wasters”, just enjoying the company of women without having any intention of taking it further. I absolutely believe there should be no sleeping around, just meeting men to see if you both ignite the spark and want to see where it goes, but in the interim if he’s not progressing and there’s no clear signals as to what he wants then I finds it best to also focus on others until BOTH parties agree to date exclusively. Too many men are looking for companionship today, not a GF—if the man isn’t going to invest then a woman shouldn’t be indulging them.

    This is how I met my husband. I was hanging out with many different guys (no sex or make out sessions) at the gym, club, BBQ, softball, playing pool/darts…very low key casual settings where we talked and got know each other. I knew all them wanted something with me, but I wasn’t going to settle just because a guy was interested. After a few months one guy grew on me more so than the others and I CHOSE HIM and were married 2.5 years later because I want to make sure he was the one I wanted to take that life journey with.

    #404926 Reply


    Lynn, awesome story!

    I think part of the problem is some of the guys I’m dating are long distance. Which makes it more likely you’ll have sex earlier. Because it’s a big investment to travel back and forth, I think both people want it to move faster.

    #404930 Reply


    Unless there are active plans to move closer to each other (ei. new job, family, etc) I don’t see the benefit of dating men that are so far away. These don’t seem like viable relationships. Maybe it’s just a personal opinion but I don’t believe in LDR. I would only do this if the person was leaving for a short period of time AND we already had a solid in-person relationship.

    How long have you been dating all these men?

    I don’t personally believe in sleeping with more than one man at a time. I think it’s fair, and even advisable, to entertain different prospects at the beginning of dating–see who you might be relationship material and who’s not quite a fit. About two months ago when I gave dating another go I was talking to 5 men, I met with 2 and am now just dating 1 (and he is the only one I’ve been intimate with).

    I think by choosing men that are so far YOU’RE setting up the dynamic for them to be sexual relationships.

    If you’ve been “dating” these men for a long time I think you need to sh!t or get off the pot. And if it hasn’t been long, what’s the rush to jump into bed? Get to know them outside of the bedroom.

    #404932 Reply


    If it were me, I wouldn’t waste my time with any of them … They’re all too far away!

    #404933 Reply


    Why would you have sex with any of them?

    #404934 Reply


    I chat to multiple guys and date multiple guys. If I’m not that interested I won’t take it further than a first date though. I’m doing this because I’ve had a string of failed relationships and in the past I’ve just jumped on the next bus that came along without experimenting. I think my previous failed renditionships were parky to to with my attitude – that I should only date one man at a time. It didn’t work and I won’t be doing it again.

    With regards to sex, I wouldn’t jump into bed with anyone without spending time to get to know them properly first. I have a FWB and we’re lucky that we both have a mutual understanding of how it works, when one of us gets serious with someone it’ll stop. It’s purely a causal arrangement and we both know each other so it’s pretty safe.

    #404935 Reply


    Doing so is being promiscuous.

    #404936 Reply


    And a guy should be coming to you, Zsuzsi.

    #404940 Reply


    Sensy … Who made you judge of what is promiscuous…?

    #404946 Reply


    Hard to say. Who is to say that the guy who commits early on is not a stage 5 clinger. It has happened to me and it is not pretty. Best to date them to at least get to know them enough that they are no longer strangers. It’s hard when online dating, you don’t see them in the context of your friends or work or family. Best to stick with local dating. It dating people met in real life. At least there is some kind of “recourse”. Sleep with a person when you feel fully comfortable to do so.

    #404947 Reply


    It all depends on why a person is having sex. I have sex when I want sex – but I have learned from men to keep sex compartmentalized.

    Sex can be a purely physical act of release, pleasure and warmth. It can also be the ultimate expression of two souls joining in the act of making love with their bodies. It can also be many things in-between.

    Many young women confuse sex with love. If they have sex with someone they think the other person feels some kind of emotional bond….I know they don’t have to. For men emotional bonding is separate from sex.

    That is why the young women get all upset when they gave sex and did not get love in return. Fully understanding this would save a lot of heartache.

    #404954 Reply


    I think dating more than one guy is OK as long as you’re honest, having sex is different, but what makes me wonder is why are you talking to men that live so far away from you?

    #404977 Reply

    Lola A

    I know what you mean everything on this website seems to encourage the constant dating of multiple guys at once but it’s so time consuming! I’m trying to do that but I also want time for my friends and for myself! Also people’s feelings get hurt and that is such an uncomfortable feeling for me. I’m trying to give it a try because I do think in the past I have mentally committed too early before knowing if the guy is even looking for a relationship but it’s no walk in the park! At the moment I feel like I’m spending half my life either on dates or getting ready for dates! And it’s making no difference, I’m not head over heels for any of these guys and still find myself pining for the guy that did not treat me that well! But that’s probably something I should work on! I say keep trying this method and see what happens, but try not to sleep with anyone you don’t have a commitment with and that should probably simplify things a little bit more. Good luck!

    #405114 Reply


    Thanks everyone for your input so far.

    Lola – You seem to get what I’ve been going through! Yes, so you date all these guys and it’s hard to develop feelings for any one of them, and they all want to have sex with you and then it can be tricky to hold them off and still hold their interest. Not to mention you start confusing facts. Like are you the one with the 18 year old son or the German Sheppard. lol.

    Rose – To answer your question of why I am dating so many men far away: it’s because I’m vegan and I really prefer to date a vegan guy. I tried dating local men (and I haven’t stopped trying), but it just seems like either they are vegan and I don’t hit it off, or they are not and, to be honest, I often scare them away. lol. So there’s my plight. I guess if I lived in a bigger city like LA it would be easier. But I don’t and can’t move for at least 3 more years.

    #405160 Reply


    So what’s the point in meeting a guy so far away if u won’t be able to move?

    #405226 Reply


    I tell them up front I can’t move. They would have to be the one to move.

    #406659 Reply


    @ Raven, promiscuity is defined as follows: in human sexual behavior, the practice of having casual sex frequently with different partners.
    If one does this, the person is considered promiscuous.

    #406674 Reply


    Says who…?

    #406681 Reply


    Hi Zsuzsi,

    Lets see if I got this right…you want to date vegans, you want them to move and you usually scare men away…hmmmm.

    I think these things highly restrict your dating pool – don’t you?

    What do you mean you scare men away? How?

    As for holding men off from sex I think that is very easy. You tell a man that you only have sex in committed relationships (or whatever your boundary is) upfront and that is that. If he is interested he will stick around – believe me.

    #406683 Reply

    Amy S

    U do what u want to make yourself happy. Dont let yourself be judged or feel like you have to conform. Personally I would never date people that live far away, whats the point that wont keep u warm at night. I would never encourage a guy I havent met either to be calling me his gf. WTF there culd be zero chemistry. I would never date more than one guy at a time either but only because I dont have a lot of free time and im the worst liar ever.I dont understand the mulitple dating I think its a USA thing that hasnt caught on in the UK as much. Do what you are comfortable with. x

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