Please help me


This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #901795 Reply

    venus

    My partner and I are together for 3-4 years now. We had our ups and downs and then found the rhythm in the relationship. He comes with a series of past traumas which I got to know about slowly and now I am sensitive to not trigger anything bad. Still last week we went on a holiday and on the last day ended up in a small argument which blew out of proportion. We discussed and put matter to rest and came back home feeling that we have resolved the matter. But then he decided to discuss the whole incident with his mother as it was something similar to his past relationship. His mother filled with heads with alarms and negative scenarios. He flipped and now wants to break up with me.

    I on the other hand moved to a better space after spending nice day with him after the argument, he loved me so much that day. I do not have any grudges or bitter feelings left in me whereas his mother is telling him to break up with me or else she won’t talk to him. She is a relationship counsellor herself who is not fond of me as such.

    My partner now has asked for space and is telling me that he don’t feel safe meeting with me in private. I am so sad and feeling anxious. Not able to eat or sleep properly. Feeling acid reflux and heavy hearted. He said he will speak to me on phone on Friday. I am not able to wait that long. Is there anything I can do to at least not feel sick. It’s affecting my work too. I really love him a lot .

    #901814 Reply

    tammy

    can you meet your friends or family? talk to them to help you calm down? you may be able to shrug off big fights/arguments but not all can. you love him but he is seriously thinking of breaking up with you. so please be prepared for that.

    some years back i too would have shrugged off big fights/arguments/drama. not any more. the minute i get glimpse of uncontrollable temper, oncoming ugly fight, i move away. i don’t want to deal with all that. its a conscious decision. so no matter how gud the guy is, i walk away.

    Small arguments will not usually make a man say he feels unsafe with you. how bad was that altercation between you guys?? what happened? screaming ? name calling? u say he has past issues and that you have had ups and lows in the past.. so maybe this was probably the last straw?

    #901846 Reply

    Ewa

    you are saying that the argument was about something similar to his past relationship , meaning he is following the same patterns/not learning based on his experience. You also said he has some past trauma and you have to be careful with what you say or do around him. Do you really want that? That must be exhausting !
    He doesn’t feel safe meeting you in private? What did you do to him?

    #901873 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with the other posters. How bad was this fight? Why doesn’t he feel safe meeting with you in private– did you get physical, was there screaming and name-calling?

    You say his mother isn’t fond of you– has she tried to break you two up before?

    I also agree with Ewa that it must be exhausting to have to be careful what you say so as not to trigger him. If he has a “series of traumas” he has not dealt with, he should seek therapy to work on that.

    I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this, but if he has said he won’t talk to you until Friday, there’s not much you can do until then. It’s only 2 days from now (easy for me to say, I know), so try to occupy yourself with other things– talk to friends, exercise to blow off steam, do yoga, etc.

    #901971 Reply

    Venus

    I was upset that he was chatting with someone else while on our intimate dinner date night. He instead of apologising went in his blanket . I pulled blanket and asked him to talk to me. He started to accuse me of hitting him. I got scared of the accusations so I put the recording on he ran away . He then came back and accused me more of hitting him which I didn’t, I said to him I can also falsely accuse him for anything.. he then told me that his ex did that and had him sent to prison!! I did not know that bit up until now!! So now I have to be careful not to lay a finger on him if we ever argue or fight again!

    I do love him and we had nice dates planned for us. I want to be with him . We fight rarely but sometimes it blows out of proportion!

    He says he can’t meet me alone as I can accuse him of hurting me out of anger! I am not crazy to do that . Three years and I never called police whatsoever!!

    #901974 Reply

    Venus

    Is there anything I can say to him to stop going on and on about it and not break up with me? I’m not ready for it yet. :(

    #901992 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Are you out of your mind? You are in a very dangerous situation. What are you going to do if he falsely accuses you of hitting him and calls the police and you get arrested?? This is your entire life on the line here.

    He is not capable of a relationship, he’s just too damaged. I have no idea how you’ve done this for years. You’ve been skating on thin ice for so long trying not to make the wrong move to fall through that you’ve become co-dependent.

    And he takes this to his mother, who’s a relationship counselor and she tells him to break up with you or she won’t speak to him? OK neurotic and crazy run in the family.

    Why on earth are you so desperate to stay in this relationship???

    #902006 Reply

    Venus

    We work in same place and most dates are a lot of fun. I love him deeply. This is so sad :(

    #902008 Reply

    Venus

    I hate myself for begging him to not break up with me. I’m so so fed up !

    #902026 Reply

    Raven

    This is Toxic… Get out now!

    #902049 Reply

    Sophia

    You really do need to leave this relationship. They’re a whole different level of crazy.

    #902107 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Love is not enough and neither is fun. There has to be compatibility, trust, respect, communication, common values. There have to be two open, available hearts. There has to be a willingness to put each other first. And I”m sure other people will add to this list. You have not got enough of these going on for this to be a health, viable relationship over the long haul. I’m sorry. I know that’ snot what you want to hear.

    #902108 Reply

    AngieBaby

    That snot?? LOL!!!! That’s not

    #902127 Reply

    Venus

    For now I want anxieties and acid reflux to go away. I need to sleep properly. Once I feel better I will probably be able to think and understand everything better and make decisions..until then it needs to all stay the same! I want him to stop fighting and arguing with me now 😩

    #902132 Reply

    Ewa

    I really hope that this post is fake but I fear it might not be.

    #902135 Reply

    tammy

    your not really listening to what the other posters have said. after all that has happened, you want to go in for more? as angie said your treading on thin ice here. things could get pretty serious here and soon. he may call the police on you. or file for a restraining order agnst you. it seems he is in a panic mode and your constantly messaging and pleading to meet is not helping your case. please leave him alone. maybe he is wrong and hit the panic button on you. maybe he is wrongly accusing you. but when an individual tells you to leave him alone, you need to respect that no matter what. you need to back away. you dont want a break up, he does. you want to talk, he doesnt. he wants out, you dont. you want to discuss and put this behind in the hope to normalise things. but he cannot put it behind.

    as of now i see only one way out. please give things a space. dont call dont message. give him time and space. let him connect when hes ready to talk. i think if you pressurize him, things will end very badly for you. as i said in my last post, please call on your family and friends to discuss and take their help in putting things in perspective. you want to put this behind and get back to how things were. but thats not in your hands.

    #902293 Reply

    Raven

    He’s been in prison for domestic violence?!

    #902310 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Venus: Then YOU take charge and make the anxiety and acid reflux go away. YOU find a way to sleep properly. YOU stop the fighting and arguing by withdrawing to care for yourself. None of this is dependent on him. It’s on you.

    You can’t base how you feel on someone else behaving as you want them to. You’ve got no control over anyone other than your own self. Until you mature and realize that you’re going to suffer a lot. You are very co-dependent. This site can’t help you with that, you need to seek a counselor who can help you work through your issues. If this guy wants out, let him go. And you should let him go, because this is all very unhealthy. Maybe his mother is right – she sees that you two aren’t good for each other and that’s why she’s telling him to break up with you.

    Best of luck.

    #902336 Reply

    Trixie

    You need to end the relationship. It is unfixable

    #902383 Reply

    venus

    You all are right and I do sound very stupid! you are not in the situation , I am and I know while it sounds easy and logical thing to do and that I need to end this toxic relationship and I am not able to do it.

    My body is not ready right now.. all the fight is making me feel sick! I need to feel better, need a good sleep, want to feel hungry, want to smile and feel happy once and once that physical strength is restored I will deal with stop loving a wrong man. I am just not ready yet! I want him to stop fighting with me and not think about past or future, just need someone to stop him from attacking me now.

    #902386 Reply

    venus

    He assaulted me couple of years ago. I do wanted to report him to police. He begged me and pleaded and cried and then treated me with love and respect until last year. Once all this was old, he turned and became more and more intolerant.

    If his apology was real and love was legit then I need it but if he was doing all this to get away then I want him punished. I cannot just end things. Its so sad and so sickening.

    #902414 Reply

    AngieBaby

    If you’re not ready to leave him after all of this, then I repeat YOU NEED HELP WAY PAST THIS SITE. This situation is not going to end well for you and you need to get help in your local area from a trained counselor and/or mental health professional. You may also want to contact a hotline for battered/abused women to get a specialist in that area.

    It’s time for the admin to shut this thread down for your own good and I hope he/she will. This is very disturbing.

    #902422 Reply

    Maddie

    What you’re feeling right now is the chemical equivalent to withdrawals. Unfortunately, dealing with withdrawal usually involves some amount of pushing through pain and discomfort to get past the initial biological part. Trying to feed the addiction to skip out on feeling physically bad doesn’t work, it just kicks the can down the road of dealing with it and keeps you stuck.

    This isn’t because you’re stupid, it’s very difficult to deal with. But it’s not impossible, and in your situation, it is necessary. You are strong enough to cut him out for now, but it will make the process easier if you get help from a mental health professional and a domestic violence counselor to get through this part, neither of which you can get on this forum. But there are links for both in your area if you search.

    I’m assuming you also have past trauma that’s kept you tolerating a bad situation when you deserve better. Seeking trained professional help can only help you, both with this specific situation and beyond. You can do this, especially if you stop the voice in your head that’s saying you can’t. I bet that’s really someone else’s voice who once told you you were weak and didn’t deserve more, but it’s not true.

    I hope you can listen to AngieBaby and other posters and protect yourself by taking steps to get help and exit.

    #902724 Reply

    tammy

    please listen to angie and maddie. get out. if you cant, then seek help to get out. from family friends and from professional counselling. pls take off for few days and go and be with your friends and family. your actually beginning to make us all concerned with the things your writing. as if he is your drug and you are addicted. please seek help and walk away.

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