Not being able to find a partner


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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ecolove 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #853234 Reply

    Marlena

    Hey!

    I cannot find a partner or form a relationship and it’s bothering me. It’s not like I’m desperately looking for one, but I was in only one “official relationship” when I was 15 and since then I dated guys, even for a few years, but never as an official couple. Now I am almost 21, there is a pandemic going around, and where I live (in Poland), there is a mass of restrictions, so since a year ago, I had no opportunity to even meet someone. I started with online dating apps, but also no luck there, I talked to some guys, but maybe for a few days and that’s it. I even “dated” a guy on a long-distance, but because of the pandemic we haven’t had the opportunity to meet yet and we recently had a huge disagreement about him putting in less effort because of his life situations now, but he is the first guy with whom I have a lot in common and we understand each other greatly without even being next to each other physically. But yeah, he lives 1000kms from me and I don’t see us together soon, maybe one day in the next x years…

    Just for the record, I am a very attractive woman, I definitely know my worth and I don’t settle for less. I have goals in life, I have many hobbies and I am very happy with myself. The only thing is that it’s frustrating to me that I don’t have luck in relationships. Like I have this almost “perfect” life with great grades at university, I am pretty (this sounds bratty haha) and I do sports and I am a happy person, but I cannot find a partner. I feel like I am a full person on my own, but I just lack someone to share my days with. I just sit here hopeless. Maybe not hopeless, I believe I will find the right guy at the right time, I am just frustrated that it hasn’t happened yet and I can’t have this best friend with whom I can create a special bond and with whom I can spend some amazing time on some great adventures together…

    Maybe anyone here has been in similar situation? Maybe someone has some advice for me? I would appreciate any form of support! <3

    #853252 Reply

    Maddie

    You are so young! Most people don’t find their best-friend partners until they are older because when you get together that young, you’re still changing, growing, learning who you are and what you like and what is compatible. Many people are very different between 20 and 30 and so romantic relationships can easily grow apart instead of together during those years anyway. Which means there’s no rush yet, though I get that you’d like to have more romantic experiences.

    There’s very difficult circumstances preventing opportunities for new connections right now, and that’s no reflection on you. You’ve got plenty of time, and if you take the time now to focus on yourself and what you can safely accomplish in your life while things are locked down instead of relationships, you’ll actually be ahead of the curve in making a really strong foundation for yourself to know what you’re looking for and be an even better partner in the future. Do you also have friends and family members you are close to? This is a great time to nurture those relationships too, without other obligations like boyfriends, husbands, and children.

    What do you like to do? Any interest in practicing a new sport, learning more languages, playing an instrument, art, you said you have many hobbies to work on? It doesn’t seem like this to you when you’re young, but it’s actually rare to get big chunks of time to focus on yourself as you get older without a lot of planning for it. It really is worthwhile to savior it now while dating is temporarily difficult. As a bonus, you may even meet someone special who you have a lot in common with while focused on one of your hobbies!

    But don’t beat yourself up about the situation, you’ve got a lot going for you right now. Just keep making use of the time to learn new things, learn about yourself, and make yourself happy, enjoying the time until meeting new people is safer again! That doesn’t speak directly to finding men to date now, but the other thing you can do if you really want to spend some focus on that is read up on healthy communication, boundaries, and conflict-resolution tactics in romantic relationships. That will make it easier for you to recognize and choose the right men and have higher quality relationships with them once the pandemic eases.

    #853253 Reply

    Miss_A

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. People will probably say, “You’re so young. You have your whole life ahead of you!” While that is true, it doesn’t help you feel better in the moment. I was single, lonely and depressed at age 21. Guess what? The fact that I was young and had many years to find a partner didn’t make me feel any better. Lonely is lonely. Frustrated is frustrated. Your feelings are valid!

    Plus, the past year has been hard for so many people, for so many reasons. We’re all a little bit (or a lot) starved for human connection. Based on your story, my advice is:

    1) Don’t stay in a “situationship” for years if there’s no title. That means the guy isn’t all in and it’s not going to lead to anything good. Trust me, it’s better to be alone than be in a dead-end situation. If a guy doesn’t commit and become your boyfriend within 6 months, end it.

    2) I don’t know what the weather’s like in Poland, but I hope it’s getting a little warmer? Join meetup groups, reach out to local community groups on social media, and get out there. I’m sure there are outdoor events going on where you can safely meet people.

    3) Check out local networking groups. Even if they meet virtually right now, they’ll probably go back to in person by the end of the year. For instance, I’m part of a Toastmasters club in my area. It has been a tremendous way to build my personal and professional circles, while working on building my public speaking and leadership skills. They have clubs all over the world.

    4) Don’t discount dating apps. It’s just important to weed out the time wasters quickly and only focus on the ones with potential. I advise meeting in person as soon as possible, as that’s the only way to see whether there’s potential. Even if it means walking in a park, 6 feet away from each other, it’s still better than endless messaging, which creates a false sense of intimacy.

    5) Focus on things that bring you joy. Hobbies, passions, volunteering for causes you care about, etc. It will help your mindset and bring positivity into your life. Also, reconnect with family and friends you haven’t seen in a while. Whether that means meeting up or just talking on the phone, it will help restore some of the human connection you’ve been missing.

    I hope this helps and wish you the best!

    #853280 Reply

    Ella

    Hi! I wanted to say I am in a very similar spot as you are—I am 22 in the US, and feel the exact same way. I have talked to dudes on apps and have had a few dates, and a small fling within the past year, but now I have reached a wall with men and dating as I am about to graduate college and I am realizing it might be best for right now not to focus on dating and just focus on myself. hobbies, friends, what I enjoy, and not feeling tied down with guy angst. I am getting tired of being put on the back burner, or continuously running into red flags. I know–I ache to mingle as well. If you are looking for something I would do what the other posters have said above, meetup groups, finding a niche hobby, and dating apps can be used but beware it does require filtering but that is dating right? I truly believe that people are aching to mingle more now than ever and once covid passes I think people will want to meet in person again at bars and other places (not always including alcohol!).

    #853894 Reply

    Marlena

    Hello ladies! Thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for such great advice!

    Response to Maddie: I really appreciate your answer! I know I can use this time to focus on myself and build ore solid fundaments for future relationships, yet I have been doing that for a long time now. Even though I am young, I have come a long way and people many times tell me I’m much more mature than my peers. Usually, I’m like the mother of the group haha. I’ve been through a big journey strengthening my character and mental health and I feel ready for a relationship already. I believe I am in the right place to start dating someone and build a strong relationship.
    I do a lot of things, I’m kinda different than my friends. I study in English, finishing my bachelors next year, I play tennis, work out, I learn French and Czech, I have many other hobbies, and also I work in two jobs. So I am a pretty busy person, but I for sure have plenty of time to chill and spend time with other people:)
    But anyway, thank you very very much for such wise words!

    response to Miss_A: Yes thank you! I believe my feelings are valid too no matter what my age is! I had a massive heartbreak when I was 15. My first ever boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend at the time. People acted as if it was nothing, cause I am young, but it has really broken me and I had a problem entering a relationship until now. I’ve had multiple occasions to create a relationship, but even though I had feelings for the guy I turned him down cause I was scared that I will be hurt again… But now I feel like I have overcome this and I am ready to try and form a relationship again.
    Thank you for those tips! I agree with each of them:) I already have many hobbies and stuff I do, as I mentioned in reply to Maddie, so I am focusing on my growth and myself in general, but for sure it wouldn’t hurt to try a new hobby maybe? Thanks again!

    response to Ella: Yes I agree with you and the posters above. I also can’t wait for when covid goes away and we can go back to parties and go out in general. I know I am much more confident and mature than I was a year ago before the pandemic, so I just wanna go out and meet new people! And yes I agree, it is important to focus on myself and I believe that what is meant to be it will be. I also believe that the past relationships and everything I had happened for a reason, so I could learn from it and not do the same mistakes in the future. So I wish us all the best, that the pandemic will finalyyyyy go away and I hope to find someone worth my attention soon!

    Thank you ladies once again!!!

    #854181 Reply

    Lane

    You need to apply the law of physics! Interestingly, its when I WASN’T looking or wanting a relationship is when I met a guy organically and we fell into one.

    There’s something about that type of energy you put out that draws men to you. It’s like they intuitively know that you aren’t seeking a relationship, perfectly OK being single to the point they don’t feel like you’re trying to fill some void in your life. Men can and do feel ‘those vibes’ which can trigger them not to pursue, even if you have your life together.

    Where did I meet them? Just out and about, living my life, and talking to them like I did with anyone I just met, male or female. This was thankfully prior to the internet, where they would have to track me down, such as showing up at one of my softball games, just so I would spend time with them, mainly talking about general stuff, without any romance involved, which takes a lot of the pressure off both parties IMO.

    I would go on a dating hiatus’ and just do me for about 6 months to a year. During this time my mind wasn’t on meeting guys but just living my life, having fun, and saying “NO” to a lot of guys until I met one I like enough to end the hiatus’ haha.

    #855638 Reply

    Jess

    Hi Marlena,

    I am in the same boat as you. I am 37 and I have been single for nearly 5 years.

    I feel so blessed to have found this site cos I feel I’m not alone when the people around me are married or have kids.

    I too tried online dating but they never want anything more. I think it’s just the world we are living in now, dating in 2021 is hard, and the pandemoc is testing all of us.

    I get depressed sometimes that I’m going counselling cos of loneliness and I avoid events pre covid where everyone is matched up with their partners and kids running around gets me down. I feel left out and isolate myself and that’s not healthy. Until I find a guy, I will go to parties, events and socialise but at the moment I can’t even seem to socialise.

    I believe there’s a path for everyone and your path is going to be different to others. I have a great career and all my friends with kids would love to have a career like mine, so I’m thankful for that.

    Tell yourself that you are grateful for what yiu’ve achieved and compared yourself to others that would be envious of what you have.

    Hope you’re safe.

    #856458 Reply

    Ecolove

    Hi there, I have a hard time meeting men organically and I’m 40 years old. I hear you about the place we live. I live in a very small community in the US and it is very difficult to meet people when you are busy in a small town. My life is very occupied with school, work, my dogs, my house, sports, yoga, etc. But with COVID, I do all those things mostly alone. I like dating apps. My last relationship of 4 years with engagement was from a dating app. I think the end result would have been the same had I met him organically. Dating apps expand my universe and I am at least able to shop around. I don’t even want to go back to a serious relationship right away but I just got back to the app just to see what is out there! I might meet someone or decide to close the app again, but at least I get a peek at who is out there

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