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Brandi.
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Brandi
I wrote a few days ago about my situation and I am just continuing my thread. A little background on my situation is that I had been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months and he was suddenly scared about marriage and said he needed space. Although he asked for space, he was still texting me all the time and saying how much he missed me and how hard it is for him to walk away from someone he loves, but he’s just not sure he’s ready for this whole thing. it’s a serious rltp and it got serious quickly, and i think it scared him. plus the past few months we had been fighting a lot, sometimes over my trust issues, but mostly over his drinking. i think he’s too old (almost 30) to be blacking out still. i have no tolerance for that. and i know he’s the fun, life of the party guy, but i’m the one that has to take care of him and go home with him at the end of the night, so while everyone else seems to think i’m being controlling and overbearing, i’m really just looking out for him. i’m sure all his friends love that crazy, party guy side, but it’s not what i want in a boyfriend. so it’s not that i was trying to change him, for the first 3/4 of our rltp, he wasn’t drinking a lot and we had no issues. it was the happiest weve both ever been. But the last few months, he went back to his old drinking habits and it caused explosive fights. i just dont like the person he becomes. its scary and unpredictable, and i should have walked away the first time i saw this person. but i love him and that love made me stay.
Fast forward to know, the past 2 months alone we have gotten in some of the biggest fights you can imagine. Only when he is wasted drunk. I try not to fight with him when hes; like that, and wait until the next day to talk to him about it, but he always ends up turning it on me. This last time he was so out of control and i was fully prepared to walk away, but instead the next day he turned it on me and said he didn’t think he could do this anymore. he wasnt happy. blah blah blah. i found myself softening and essentially begging him for a chance. Like a weak, pathetic child. And he said he needed space and time to figure out what he wants. I think what he really needed was space and time to figure out if he could give up this lifestyle of his, or if he is ready to grow up.
I was prepared to give him space but he was so confused and wishy washy and kept texting me and we would always end up having these long talks. This has all been this past week. we really never took space. I’m the first girl he’s ever been with and the first girl he’s ever loved, and i think sometimes he does miss that party lifestyle where he would just hook up with a different girl every night and be the drunkest at the party. and i think he is torn with whether he wants that or he wants me—which means growing up. so on thursday he said he really does need a few weeks to work on himself and figure out what he wants. we both agreed we wouldnt do anything with anyone else. were on a break to just focus on ourselves and grow.
well the next night, friday, he got blacked out and went home with another girl and they had sex. i found out because several ppl told me they saw him with another girl that night and i went to his house. i know it sounds crazy but i had to see it with my own eyes. the door was unlocked and i walked in and talked to his roommate who im good friends with. he said the last he saw him he was dancing with a girl and making out. this girl he doesnt even know. just a random. i was crushed. i sent him a bunch of texts telling him how hurt i was and he didnt respond. the next morning when i still hadnt hurt back, i know in my heart i should have just forgotten about him, but instead i went over there again and walked in and he was there. i said “did you have sex with someone last night’ and he admitted right away he did. that he was sorry and it made him realize he doesnt want that lifestyle anymore. that he views sex differently than me and he handles things differently than me and that he knew it would hurt me and hes sorry but he did it and…. he didn’t show much remorse. he even added the girl on fb! he basically just went right back to his old lifestyle. i never had to worry about him cheating on me when we were together. he was loyal to a fault. but the minute were apart, hes having sex with another girl. and its almost even worse that she means nothing to him. i just cant comprehend how you could do that to someone you love??
And the worst part of all? I still want him. What’s wrong with me? I hate that i am being so weak and i KNOW i need to walk away, but that part of him i love has still got a hold on me. His friends constantly tell me he is who he is and he will never change. i either have to take him how he is—and prepare to fight constantly, or i have to walk away. I know after hearing this, everyone will tell me to walk away. My family and friends have listened to me defend him and give him chance after chance, and they’re at the point now that if i stay with him they said hes not welcome around them. So why do i still want him? I have been such a good girlfriend to him. So loyal and generous and kind and patient and for him to put me through all of this is so unfair. He says he cant walk away because he loves me and wants to be with me, he just doesnt know if he can grow up and be who i need him to be.
i guess all im looking for is words of encouragement. I know people can be harsh on here sometimes, but trust me, i’m hard enough on myself. i don’t need to hear how pathetic i am because i already know. i just need some positive encouragement.
Khadija
Hello Brandi,
After reading your post I think it’s time that you move on.
It sounds like you are ready for something serious. This guy you are dating is 30 and still not ready to give up the party lifestyle. He also sounds like he has a serious drinking problem. The best thing you could do in this situation is go no contact for at least a month. I think this will help you to clear your thoughts and get some perspective about this relationship. I hope something I said helps you. I know this isn’t easy but, one day at a time heals the wounds.m
What’s wrong with you is,that you fell for an immature alcoholic. Now you need to be strong and cut ties with him. No.contact, ask him to stop contacting you and ignore him if he reaches out again. The more you tolerate this, the more self respect you have yo lose. You cant help him. In fact, moving on so he really and truly loses you from his life might be the kindest thing you can do for him, and yourself. Addiction is hard enough to ovrrcome when the addict is done. He sounds like his downward spiral is just getting started. Hugs.
Brandi
Thank you both so much. Your words were extremely helpful. I agree that the best thing i could do for him would be to leave him. He’s never loved before.. and he’s never felt what it’s like to lose love. So maybe feeling that will be enough to wake him up. I know getting back with him will be a repetitive cycle of hurt and sadness. And make me feel worse about myself, while also showing him that he can treat me however he wants.
I deserve way more than this and i need to cut ties, i know this. its just a matter of doing it.
Lola
Hello Brandi,
You definitely need to move on. It will be hard in the beginning, but you will make room to find someone else with whom you will not need to worry about changing him, or fighting, or alcohol issues. You are ready for something serious – and you need someone grown up next to you. Remember: you cannot change people, only they can change themselves if they want to. All signs show that he is not going to change.
Treat yourself! Start a new hobby. Learn a new language. Go on a trip somewhere, do a girl’s night out, take care of yourself, go shopping – just try to do at least one nice and kind thing to yourself a day. Love yourself. You ain’t pathetic – love has its mysterious ways and sometimes we simply fall for the wrong person, or during wrong circumstances. But remember that in the near future you will be grateful that it ended – some people are meant to teach us something and then leave our path. It’s always for a reason – in this case it will allow you to find someone better and not accepting a behaviour that is not torable.
Start being happy again, cry if need be, but stand up again! Better things will come to your path! :-)
Raven
Brandi, He just gave you a “Get Out of Jail Free Card.”
Imagine your life with this man, miserable! You totally dodged a bullet.
While you are going through the healing, please do some reading on co-dependency.
redcurleysue
I know about addiction firsthand in my family so I have some clue about what I am saying.
Fast forward to 5 years from now. What do you picture in this situation? Pretty scary isn’t it? The question is what do you want in your life? In your married life? In your children’s lives? Do you want a husband/father who blacks out? I have seen this up close and personal and it ain’t pretty or a party.
We can want help for someone we love so bad we can taste it but they hold all the cards. I am sorry you are going through this….and the heartbreak.
It is hard to leave someone you love but that is better than what your future holds if you stay. Of that I am sure.
Brandi
Thank you all so very much for your help and kind words. You are all so right. He just left my house and he ended it for good. He just said that he loves me more than anything.. That no one in this world has made him feel the things I have and that he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, but for now he just isn’t happy. The fighting has taken too big of a toll and he said he’s not himself and it’s effecting him and all his rltps. He didn’t feel like he could have fun going out with me bc he felt like I was always judging him. In reality it’s just that I’ve seen him black out and act crazy so many times that I was constantly nervous when we went out. I couldn’t just relax. Theres a reason everyone warned me when I got w him in the first place and I ignored it bc I saw a side of him I loved.
As much as I know this is for the best right now, I can’t help but be so sad. I put so much into this rltp and loved him so much. I’ve been in several rltps but I have never experienced love like this. And he’s never been in a rltp before but he’s been with hundreds of girls and he obviously felt something he never has. I guess that party lifestyle is just more important right now and we want different things at this point.
I know if we just jumped back into it nothing would have changed. The only hope we have for change is him experiencing life without me. Maybe losing love and going through that pain will be enough to make him want to change… But if there’s anything I have learned about this its that I cannot change anyone. They have to do it on their own. Sometimes it takes losing someone you truly love to realize that. I would be lying if I didn’t say I pray and hope that a few weeks or months go by and he has a realization, I just dont see how probable that Is.
I guess essentially if he’s not happy, neither of us would be. I can’t be with someone who doesnt want it. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel like my world was crashing down. He was such a big part of my life and the thought of going back to the dating scene makes me nauseous. I’m just so heartbroken right now.
jane2
Brandi
You DO need to walk away. And you CAN do it. You can’t help him. Life with an addict is hell on earth. I have first hand experience but it ain’t about me.
What is worse is he doesn’t even realize he has a problem. These behaivors are classic alcoholism. You say you can’t walk away?
Then get yourself to an Alanon meeting. Go to more than one. Listen to the stories of people who have addicts in their lives. The parents, siblings, children stories are interesting. You’ll learn alot about the disease from listening to everyone. But pay particular attention to the wives and girlfriends (and husbands and boyfriends) who talk about what life is like with an addict. It’s not pretty. If you don’t like one meeting, try another. You need to hear the reality of what life would be like with the person you “can’t walk away from”.
You can walk away. Even if alcohol weren’t in the picture, he is treating you horribly. You are the prize. Take all that energy you are pouring into him and go find someone who is worthy of you.
Good luck. I know this story well. It isn’t easy.
jane2
PS – classic alcoholic behavior is no accountability. Everything is the other person’s fault. You strike me as self-accountable. I can read it in your posts.
Think about your arguments…. He says they took a toll on him. What about the impact on you? These are his behaviors causing these arguments. Does he assume ANY responsibility? I’m not there but my guess is NOT.
And by the way, he’ll be back. Stay away from this. You deserve better.
Misty
Brandi,
May I suggest you look up Al-Anon meetings in your area or online. You have been seriously affected by your boyfriend’s alcoholism and you have become an enabler. Read up on alcoholism and enabling behavior if nothing else.
Please get out of this toxic relationship and get some help.
M
Oh he will definitely be back… he’s an addict, and love and attention are very addictive, too. That cycle of drama is an addict’s wet dream. So YOU are going to have to be the strong one and stay away from him. You can do what you want and if you want to hang on and take this personally as if you have some control or influence over him, you can do that. But you and all of us here know what the result would be: Absolute fucking misery. Remember this isn’t about you. This is ALL about him. The addict is always the center of the universe. Save yourself so you don’t get sucked into his implosion even more then you already are.
Hugs.
buttercup
Interesting thread. Could have been written about me.
My alcoholic boyfriend ended our relationship nearly 6 months ago, saying he just wasnt happy etc.
Like you, I experienced a love with him like it’s never felt before.
They are addicted to alcohol. We are addicted to them. Extreme highs. Intense lows.
6 months on and I still have some addiction to him. We’re pretty much no contact now. Last time we communicated was at Xmas. He wanted me back. I seriously considered it, and he backed out again when it became a possibility.
These men are cowards. They’d rather live in their own drunken world, than live a real life.
There is a lot more to my story, which I won’t post a this is your thread
buttercup
Pressed submit too soon.
People tell me to stay away. He’s no good. I know being with him would lead to a miserable future. He’s treated me like crap. From loving me so much so throwing me away like I was a piece of trash.
But can I let go?
Is taken time to make the progress I have. I don’t contact him. I’ve only seen him the once since the split. He will initiate every so many weeks, and we last spoke at Xmas. I won’t make contact again. Will he? I have no idea!
But mentally in my head I know I still haven’t let go. He’s there all the time. I still love him even though he has treated me awful.
I feel pathetic, like you. Where is my self respect!
Amy
Hi Brandi,
I myself can relate to some of your experience. mine had sociopathic tendancies, mixed with emotional manipulation, mixed with alcohol and mixed with a whole lot more negativity.
the highs were amazing and the lows you would think to yourself “i can’t do this anymore”, but then during the highs you would look at him and just know you are in love and he is everything you want. I imagine you feel drained of all your positivity, and that as the months went on you felt that maybe it was getting a bit harder?No matter what you do or say, he will not change. He has issues within himself and only he can address them. All he is going to do is make you unhappy. You will keep giving all your love and all your heart to him, but he will just keep taking it from you, and not give nearly half as much back.
You deserve happiness, love, dedication, and a strong man. Not one that turns the blame around on you when he does something wrong. That is a form of emotional manipulation.
Alcohol can be very deadly. and if he has an addiction to it, and his moods changes very quickly, you really can’t be sure of what he is capable of doing. And people like this man will hurt the people closest to them. and don’t believe for one second that he might not get violent towards you or put you in danger.
Get out while you can. I can assure you it won’t be easy, and you will hurt and will miss him. But eventually you will move on and find someone worthy of your love.
I noticed in your posts you said that he feels he can’t do this anymore and the fights have become too much for him….but its him causing all this drama because of his actions. But again he is trying to turn it around on you and make you feel guilty. and also it is all about “him”. Not “we”.Delete all numbers and if he calls or texts or emails….ignore him.
you cannot help him and will only put yourself through pain.
You are better than this and can move on from this.And whenever you feel like you are struggling and missing him…just come back and read these posts and the advice people have given. Trust me it does help.
I hope you can find the strength to leave him behind – i know you can do it – you just need to believe it yourself. lots of hugs
Brandi
Wow Amy, I am crying reading your post right now. That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I will re-read it over and over again. Everything you said was so unbelievably spot on. He was so manipulative and somehow made me feel guilty about everything. Youre so right too, in those moments where he was blacked out and hurting me so deeply, all i could think about was giving up. i was so broken down. But then in those good moments, the thought of being apart from him was too much for me to bear.
I think what it comes down to is i really feel like a failure. I feel like i failed him. I was the first girl he ever loved and i think he tried so hard to be that ideal boyfriend for me, but that other lifestyle was more of a priority. Everyone would constantly say to me “You must have magical powers to tame this guy” or “Ive never seen him like this…you’ve really changed him” and i know he came the furthest he’s ever come with me. He keeps saying that i opened up his eyes to real love and feelings like never before and i made him realize hes capable of love. And while thats nice to hear, im faced with the fact that i just wasnt enough. And im so hard on myself as it is, that this fact just makes me feel like taking all the blame. Your posts help me to realize that it’s not my fault, no matter how much he tries to make it out to be.
I realize that no amount of care and patience can help someone who truly isnt ready to be helped. i guess i just thought he was ready and i was wrong. and i didnt say this in my post above, but originally he told me he wanted to take some space and time apart…not to be with other girls or anything like that. he actually promised me he wouldnt be with other girls for these next few weeks while he was trying to grow and be better. And then Friday i found out he slept with another girl. Just a random girl. And he didn’t really show any remorse. And even after all that, my pathetic self still begged for a chance.
I just want to take control of my life. From the outside, no one would ever think I’m this weak or that i would put up with anything from any guy. I give off this confident and secure vibe, i know i do, but deep down i just feel like i’m not worthy of anything better for some reason. I am going to the library today to read up on self help books and i want to get into counseling. I dont ever want to let any guy hurt me like this again. i have to be stronger than that. He made it clear with his actions Friday that he is nowhere close to changing. Hes an addictive person. Hes addicted to alcohol, sex, gambling and who knows what else. Im 26 and i’m ready for a man. i have to choose today to be done for good.
If you all only knew how much you’ve helped me….you all are amazing. Its so comforting to hear people going through the same things, even though i feel sad for all of us. Buttercup, i’m so sorry to hear you went through a similar situation. How long were you together? Sounds like our situations were pretty identical. I’d be interested in hearing more about your situation and how you’re overcoming it. I’m so worried my guy is going to get drunk in the next few weeks and call me and say he made a mistake. in the past 8 months, weve never gone one day without talking. not one. so im interested to see how his life is without me these next few days…but i have to stop myself from being optimistic and naive. it doesnt matter how his life is because a few weeks might make him miss me but it wont make him change. thats what i have to remind myself.
Amy
You did nothing wrong and you are not a failure.
He just wasn’t your prince charming. I myself am only 27 and have just got into counselling. As my ex could have killed me on christmas day last year.
He ruined my christmas day, and I did absolutely nothing to deserve what he put me through that day….even my family witnessed it. and it happened because he was drunk and fuelled by alcohol. but his own insecurities and issues from him caused that all to happen.
he lost his job over it but and made contact with me 2 weeks after i left telling me how much he missed me and was willing to “change” and “work within my rules and regulations” which is just stupid as there are no rules and regulations in a relationship. it will just click and there will be highs and lows but you will work at them together and be balanced.
There is no balance in your relationship. you give and he takes and he has no regard for your feelings or how much you are hurting.
And you feeling like a failure is because he has turned it all around on you.
trust me its not easy and you are probably re-analysing everything thinking that if you had done this differently or said that this way it might have been different. But it wouldn’t. he is who he is and you are who you are.
Move on and be happy.
Close that door and get your self worth back and don’t let him use you as a door mat any more.
You are strong, young and beautiful. You have experienced this and if you look at it in the right way you learn from it and will grow from it.
see it as a blessing for you to move on and to know a toxic relationship.
But i do understand your pain and know you will feel better with timeAmy
and remember one very big thing ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!
that saying goes a long way and i’m sure if you sat down and thought it over, all the lovely things he said, about how you were the only one he has ever loved, and you’re the furthest he’s ever come with someone….was it followed up by loving actions on his part…or just words?buttercup
I’ll happily tell you my story, but I’ll try and marie it down as it is quite long.
We were together 20 months btw.
Met, fell in love at first sight. I realized he had a drink problem one month in. Should have walked but already loved him so much.
About every 4 months he’d pull the “i need space” card. Always by text. Id never respond. He’d be back in 2 days. He drinks every day. About every 3 months he’d go on a massive binge. Wouldn’t work
buttercup
Sorry, pressed submit again too soon
He wouldn’t work on these binges. He’d call in sick, drink himself stupid, refuse to see me. Each time id think I can’t do this any more. But when it was over he’d be back to his beautiful loving self.
We had a great love. The best we’d both experienced. When it was good it was amazing.
Last summer it was going great. The best it had been. One weekend he gave me a key to his home, and told me he’d be devastated if he lost me. 5 days later he ended it. Said he needed to be on his own. Needed to work through his issues, said he wasn’t looking to replace me he just needed time alone but still wanted me in his life etc.
I was gutted, but left him be, as he always come back before.
3 weeks later he announced an engagement on fb. I found out he’d registered on an online dating account, just days before he dumped me. After 24 hrs talking with her he threw me away like a piece of shit
buttercup
After everything I’d done for him. This girl lived abroad! She flew over to meet him, he proposed marriage on the first date
buttercup
They went and had matching tattoos done on their wedding fingers. Same one we had planned!
3 weeks later she emigrated here with her children to live with him.She has since gone back to her country, although were still together. But he’s told me he’s not happy and wants me back.
As I said earlier, I considered it, but told him he had to end it with her before I’d give it any serious consideration. Once he knew having me back was a possibility he backed off again. I think he just needed his ego soothing and to relieve his guilty conscience.
I’m a fool for even talking to him. He’d would give me nothing but a miserable future but I loved that bastard so much!
I was confident before I met him. His behavior
buttercup
his behavior made me lose myself. I became depressed and developed anxiety problems and heart palpitations. I’m still on medication now.
He said, my self esteem was too low and it wasn’t his place to make me feel good about myself. He was the one with issues, not me!!!!!
I was a stable strong woman before him.Now I’m a fuked up mess!
buttercup
Sorry, so many posts. My phone keyboard is playing up!
Tracie
Oh Brandi – I was you in 1984 and I ended up going back each time he sobered up and wanted me. Long story short, we ended up getting pregnant and I was married to this alcoholic for 24 years until he finally wore me down to a nub. The highs were great, but the lows chipped away at my heart eveytime and at 46 years old I ended up a mere shell of my young vibrant self! With the encouragement of my adult daughter I got the courage to leave and heal and begin again. I have met wonderful men and and making the second half of my life the best half. Please don’t waste half of your life on a man such as this!!!! I’m begging you, WALK AWAY NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!! Love, courage, and hugs coming your way!!!!
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