need help with this!


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This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Liz Lemon 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #795262 Reply

    P

    I got some advice a few weeks ago, I’m was dating a woman and I haven’t for a very long time.

    So I wasn’t really feeling it but I gave it 4 dates to make sure that I wasn’t just nervous. This not feeling it lead her to ask to get to know me as a friend. After my divorce, I found what I needed was more friends (funny how married couples no longer feel comfortable) so I was thinking that as we had a fair bit in common and she might be a good fit as a friend.

    Here’s the thing, we are meant to be meeting up this weekend, she asked if I would go to the museum with her. I organized the tickets but the thing is I’m not really wanting to go. This isn’t unusual for me, I have times where I’m no feeling social. I had decided that I would not cancel and this would be good for me to go and be social but she just texted to tell me that her life is getting back to normal and she is super busy the following week so she won’t be able to spend the whole day with me.

    I don’t expect anyone to spend the whole day with me. We are meeting at mid day so I was only thinking a few hours but she keeps going on and on about how hectic she is, about her not quite ex-husband and his new girlfriend. It’s clearly obvious to me that she is still raw from all of the separation. One of the reasons I backed out of dating her. She hasn’t reached her new life yet, or a happy place. I did feel like she wanted an instant girlfriend super fast for this reason.

    It’s all very negative. Also whilst on two of our dates, she picked apart what our waitress was wearing and made fun of her earrings. This girl couldn’t hear but it left a big question mark about her as a person as well as someone to date. We are both In ou 40s.

    I think I’m waiting for the friendship vibe to click as well. She is always bemoaning how her life is so busy, so hectic, she is so tired It’s a whole one-sided conversation that gets quite boring to be honest. Am I being too harsh? Should I just cancel and take my time rescheduling and let it go or tell her that I don’t see friends working with her either?

    I do have friends, I chose these people based on that I feel inspired and happy when we see each other, I’m not sure I’m going to get this with her. Would you try for 5th meeting but just as friends to see?

    #795264 Reply

    Angel

    Hi P, I am a lot like you in that I often get torn apart by conflicting impulses, so I think I can relate :)! So what attracted you to her in the first place? You mention that there were things in common and she might be a good fit as a friend. What are these, and do you like her as a person? I think that the awkwardness from the dating part which hasn’t gone too well might be still interfering with your feelings. Do you feel like you can move on from the dating mindset with her and focus on talking to other people romantically while keeping things open with her? I think that mentally taking some space away from how this particular connection is developing might be a good idea. Not in the sense not to talk to her, but giving her some benefit of doubt and some space (people do get busy!) while looking out for how you feel around her and if a fair and not lopsided friendship can develop. I think if I were you, I would go – for a few hours – because of all the positives to YOU (getting out there, being social, letting new friendship a chance etc) but keeping my expectations about this going anywhere in particular strongly in check. And keep talking to other people dating-wise.

    #795274 Reply

    Raven

    Why would you want to be friends with this very negative person?

    #795277 Reply

    Ss

    You clearly don’t like her very much so why are you worrying about staying friends??? Fade her if you feel uncomfortable telling her straight you don’t want to be friends.

    #795283 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I remember your other posts about this woman. I agree with Ss & Raven. You’ve listed a lot of negative qualities about her. Friendships are similar to romantic relationships in that you have to feel some kind of connection with a person & enjoy their company. You don’t seem to like this woman very much. It doesn’t seem like she brings anything positive to your life. So why stress about staying friends? You’re overthinking it (which i recall you also did about dating her– you gave it way too much thought, when it was clear you two were not a match.)

    There’s no need for a dramatic “I don’t want to stay friends” conversation if that’s what you’re worried about. Just fade her. Be unavailable if she asks to hang out, don’t reply to calls/texts. She’s someone you’ve met 4 times & didn’t click with, you don’t owe her a long explanation. If she’s as busy as she claims to be then i think she’ll stop reaching out to you if you are unresponsive.

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