My boyfriend won't tell me how he feels about me — do we have a future?

3 years of this nonsense?
You’re not low maintenance, you’re no maintenance…

I think there’s such a thing as too easy when it comes to relationships. If you never ever have conflict, or talk about what you want, or express your desires, how deep of a relationship can you really have? Conflict isn’t bad, either. Conflict doesn’t have to mean screaming or arguing or disrespectful behavior. It just means being at odds with each other & talking it out. That has to happen for a relationship to deepen.

You’ve been seeing this guy 1-2x a week for 3 years. Do you feel your relationship has progressed and deepened in that time? Have you had to compromise & work through issues? I’m only asking because you’re saying you both struggle with communication.

There seems to be a lack of vulnerability in your relationship too. You haven’t even told each other you love each other, in 3 years. Do you love him? Do you think he loves you? You’re saying you’ll be heartbroken if this relationship ends. Does he know that? Do you ever express deep emotion like that to each other?

It’s healthy & normal to want this relationship to progress, especially after 3 years, but if you haven’t gone out on a limb & expressed yourself & your vulnerability in all that time, you can’t expect him to suddenly start talking about a future with you. So you probably caught him off guard. I think it’s good you brought the topic up. I think you need to think about what you feel for this guy, and what kind of future you see. And you need to tell him. It will probably take more than one conversation. But if he’s unable to reciprocate & communicate deep feeling for you & the relationship, then maybe he doesn’t want the future you want.

What Liz counseled was excellent. I would add – your gut is telling you something. Three years is INCREDIBLY PLENTY of time to know if you see a future with someone whether you are introvert or extrovert, career driven or lazy, male or female etc etc. Don’t fall into the faulty and unhealthy thinking of investment theory. That just because you’ve been with the same person for three years means you have to bend over backwards or twist and turn to make it work or salvage something. As humans we change and grow and the only reason people stay together long term is that despite their differing personalities or interests they share common views and goals of what they want for their future.

This situationship (because that’s what it is because you two have never defined it in terms of love and future) may have worked for you while you established a career. But now you are desiring something more authentic and deeper – a true partner. His response to you was very troubling and I would take some time to get your head together and figure out what it is YOU want, or at least general ideas. Then sit again and tell your bf if he sees similarities in what you’re looking for. Let him know that despite your past interactions and routine you are now needing him to articulate to you where you stand. Speak of love. And be prepared if he gives you half ass, non commital or evasive answers to do right by yourself and walk away.

I hope the best for you. However it works out you will be okay.

Honestly, it sounds like he’s been more of a placeholder for you and now you’ve come to a crossroad where everything in your life is appears to be in place and now ready to settle down with a life partner.

Listen, you’ve had three years now to sort things out and it there has been zero progression. You opened up, discussed your thoughts and feelings and he pretty much shut you down. He is not a *team player* he’s sitting on the bench with no desire to get off or the ball (discuss things with you) so you can at least, at a minimum, start working towards the goal of getting to home plate (commitment) so to speak.

I think you know in your heart of hearts he’s not “the one.” He’s someone you spent some time with but not someone you can spend your life bet with as he’s just not interested in that sort of thing and prefers to be alone & solo, which is OK as he’s allowed to be that way if he wants/needs that.

Like they say “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” and he’s not drinking what you are interested in. At this juncture it would be best for you to not waste any more words or time trying to get him to go in the direction you are ready to travel. It sounds like you could use some romance and love in your life, so go grab it—you only have one life so live it :o)

Thanks for the advice, everyone. :)

I don’t consider him to be a “placeholder” for me, at least that’s not what I went into wanting. Rather, I think three years ago, we were in similar places in our lives, but we haven’t evolved together in the way that I would like. My only question is whether he wants to evolve or wants to stay the same indefinitely.

Because @ Raven, that’s been my quandary exactly. Five years from now, I would like to have a home, maybe kids, definitely a plan and security. I certainly DON’T want to live independent lives and I live in this small crappy apartment (I love my apartment… but getting out of here is probably top of my five-year goal).

Right now in my life, I think I’m just wanting someone who has a goal and plan. I don’t need “now” just a hypothetical future idea. But if my BF can’t even articulate that he wants me in the future, it doesn’t sit well with me.

I am going to try to talk with him one more time. I’ve never actually broken up with anyone before (this is only my third relationship), so this isn’t an easy thing any way I look at it.

I agree with the advice given. I’ll add that my boyfriend is introverted & has a hard time expressing feelings/emotion. Not to the level that you describe you & your boyfriend to be, but he is reserved emotionally. I on the other hand am extroverted, expressive & emotionally open (to a fault sometimes!).

We work well together because I’ve drawn him out & made him feel safe & comfortable expressing feelings; while on the flip side he’s tempered my overly reactive tendencies & helped me be a bit more grounded (as in not getting emotionally worked up over things that aren’t worth it).

So if you’re an introverted person who struggles with communication & expression, it may be better in the long term to partner with someone who balances you out rather than someone who’s exactly like you. Just a thought. There are a lot of considerations that go into a romantic relationship, of course. But you want someone who compliments your personality. If you & your partner both have the same weakness (and being unable to communicate & express oneself in a relationship is a weakness)– it’s not good for the relationship.