This topic contains 74 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by tammy 1 week ago.
July 3, 2021 at 11:52 am #890899
Ive known my Best Friend for over 20 years. We talk every day, sometimes multiple times a day and hang out nearly every weekend. Every year for her birthday and mine it is a given that the other one will be there or will even plan the other one’s birthday. She planned my birthday this year and hers will be in a couple of months. A couple of times I asked her what the plans were for her birthday and she said she had not put much thought into it yet. She has a boyfriend. They’ve been together for 2 years now, he and I get along great. I was planning on reaching out to him to plan her birthday when he all of a sudden he tells me my friend wants to do a couples getaway for her birthday. I don’t have a boyfriend and so I’m pretty much left out. When I asked her about it she said she didn’t want me to feel like a third wheel. I get that and there have been plenty of times since she has been with her boyfriend that they have done the couples thing and I totally get where I don’t fit in. I am hurt because she made plans for her birthday that she knew wouldn’t include me. I don’t know if I am exaggerating here but to me this is a special occasion. She loves celebrating her birthday and her plans wether big or small have always included me. I’m not sure how to proceed going forward.July 3, 2021 at 1:08 pm #890925
Depersonalize this, and plan something with her when she gets back. You’ll still be celebrating her birthday with her, and she gets her getaway gift from her boyfriend, too. Sounds to me like she’ll have a very happy birthday with those celebrations! And her day should be about her.
It sounds like you’re worried you’ll get replaced in the friendship, though? Just because she’s close to her boyfriend doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to stay close to her bestie!July 3, 2021 at 1:43 pm #890945
Hi Madi, thank you for your response. I did mention to her taking her out for dinner when she got back and I guess I didn’t make It clear in my post but it’s not just her and her boyfriends going. It’s one or two other couples. If it was just the two of them it would be a non-issue for me.July 3, 2021 at 2:23 pm #890954
So, I would ask you this question: would you go if you are invited? Knowing that you will possibly be the 3rd/5th or even 7th wheel…July 3, 2021 at 2:34 pm #890959
Hi Karina, absolutely I told her as much. It’s a given I am single have been for a long time and its not the first time I am the third wheel, it happens. I am used to it and she knows that because most of the time she is the one I hang out with. I think my concern is that now that she is in a relationship she might feel she has more in common with other women who are also in a relationship. There are a few of us going on a cruise in a few months and I am the only one without a couple and that was not an issue I was the first one her and her boyfriend invited. Of course this cruise was planned way before, so I don’t know if things have changed.July 3, 2021 at 5:42 pm #891039
I think you can have a talk with your bestie and tell her you how you feel.
Maybe this trip is “romantic package deal”, so it is really for couples only. I heard of vacation package like that.
On the other hand, you should take it easy and accept it as well. This kind of things happen. You two are still friends, even best friends to each other, but she will have other friends or maybe become best friends to other people as well, because this is life. As we grow up and grow old, we meet people and get connected under different circumstances. She may at some points feel closer and have more common with other people.
My bestie and I, we have different social circles. I meet and know most of her friends, but I don’t always get invited to join them, vice versa. Once they went to see a famous comedian’s show and I did not get invited, and I actually quite like that comedian. When I think about it, they did not invite me because the show would be in French, most of them are French first language and French is my forth language, I speak it not very well. So they did not invite me probably thinking I would not be understand the show very well.
Another example. I don’t have children. Almost all my friends are married and have kids. Their weekend is family prioritized: swimming lesson, amusement park, bike ride, picnic…everything is with kids, and parents would hang out with parents and do parents talk. They would meet up for kids playdates. They would hang out when their kids are at language lessons.
My suggestion to you: go out and meet more new people, make more new friends, have a bigger wider social circle and be more independent.July 3, 2021 at 6:00 pm #891047
I can understand why this would be hard on you but at the same time, you cannot expect it to last a lifetime. She is in a different phase than you are. It sounds like this relationship could potentially evolve into a marriage, and is most likely going through a life transition. I went through it too, where when I was single I primarily hung out with single friends, however when I married, we hung out primarily with couples–its just the way it goes.
A best friend wants the best for their friends. I don’t see why you can’t allow her to do her birthday with her boyfriend the way she wants to this year, and then plan something for her prior to, or when she returns as I’m sure she would love both.July 3, 2021 at 8:50 pm #891103
Hi Karina, it’s not a package deal because the reason why her boyfriend told me about it was because he wanted me to help him figure out where to take her. What wineries were available. But I think you are right. I won’t go into details but I think this friendship has ran its course. I still care for my friend very much but we just don’t fit in each other’s lives the way we used to. Thank you for your response.July 3, 2021 at 8:54 pm #891104
Hi Lane, thank you for your response. I’m not stopping her from going. And like I said in my post. I did offer to take her to dinner when she came back. I just never thought I wouldn’t be involved in her birthday plans. I always have been, when she was married , when she had other boyfriends and even the past two years with this one. So My feelings are a little hurt.July 5, 2021 at 6:51 am #891813
it could be difficult to act as if you dint feel hurt or left out. Maybe you wouldn’t feel so hurt had she told you her plans. and if this was an occasion to celebrate for both every year, than its understandable for you to feel so sad. A little thoughtless on your friend’s part. if i was in your place, I would just wish her and leave it at that. you did suggest dinner outing to her. if she takes you up on that great. if not you will just have to accept that things are changing and probably your friendship dynamics have changed. not necessarily that the friendship has run its course, but that the equations have changed.July 5, 2021 at 8:21 pm #892071
Hi Tammy, thank you for your insight. I think that’s what’s going on. Sad to come to that realization but like you said I need to accept it.July 6, 2021 at 12:59 am #892123
sandra its happened to a lot of us so we do relate to what your going through. a very good friend of mine from my college days. she used to come to my house and i would go to hers. we would hang out so regularly. we were friends since teenagers. she got married at 26 and post that things started to change. i had introduced her and her husband to my bro and sil in law. i think for me the last straw was when she purchased a second home out of town and took along my bro and sister in law along with others but didn’t even bother to inform me. it caused me lot of grief at that time and so i just stopped all contact with her.
recently i came to know through one of our mutual friends that her dad passed away so i contacted her. she said she was in the midst of a divorce and that her mother was bed ridden. i infact helped her out by advising her on the financial aspects and introducing her to sm gud financial planners. i also visited her mom at her home and the hospital. what i experienced and learnt was that she was neevr really a friend and its always only about her. so i simply stoppd all contact again and she didnt even bother to keep in touch. ofcrse this time i wasnt hurt since all i was doing was helping out an old acquaintance. take care you should be fine soon.July 6, 2021 at 1:25 am #892130
Hi Tammy, I’m sorry that happened to you, and I’m glad you’ve moved on. Now it’s my turn. Like I said it is sad to come to that realization but I think I’m just slowly going to fade from her life. At this point I don’t think she will notice much anyway. This getaway was the final straw for me. I have dismissed the other red flags but I can’t anymore. Thank You for sharing your story. Makes me feel not so alone, and hopeful that I will be ok. Best of luck to you as well.July 6, 2021 at 6:24 am #892191
its ok. :-) sometimes people are supposed to come into your life and stay for a certain period only. its not supposed to be a life long journey. who are meant to stay in your life will stay. this is just the universe telling you to go out there and make some new friends and explore new people. you will be fine. i say this with experience. but do wish her on her bday and if she brings up the dinner plans that you suggested, then that wld be great. it would mean that though shes branching out with newer people, she does want to stay in touch with you as well.July 7, 2021 at 1:07 pm #892687
Yes Tammy, I think you are probably right. Last night myself her, and a third friend which is part of the “couples” that did get invited to her birthday celebration spent the night at a casino. It was a plan we’ve had for over a month and I didn’t want to leave them stuck paying for the room. I tried to make the most of it but before we headed to the casino her boyfriend calls her and she puts him speaker and now the three of them plus another gentleman who also got invited attend with his wife we’re planning what they were going to do that night and I’m sitting here in the room with no where to go listing to all of it. She already knew all of this had upset me and she went ahead and put him them on speaker. That’s just not ok. So now we are going to head home and like you said. Try and seek out other friendships and let this one just fade into memories. Thank youJuly 8, 2021 at 12:19 am #892872
o well sandra you gave things a shot despite having misgivings. now u can move ahead without feeling that little niggle of doubt as to whether you cutting off from her was right. now u know what u must do. btw the friend i talked about in my earlier post? she messaged ystrdy at 11 pm saying that she has been thinking of me since the past few days and she had lost my no. so she finally took my no from my cousin and hence pinged me. :-). am ok with that. if she messages, i reply. and if she makes plans for a meeting, i do meet if its convenient for me. but things are definitely not like they used to be. and thats ok.July 8, 2021 at 12:46 pm #893092
Hi Tammy, her and I had a conversation yesterday after our friend left. I told her that what she did the day before making plans in front of me was not ok, especially when she knew how I felt. Needless to say things didn’t go well. I told her I was going to take a step back from the friendship and she told me to do what made me happy which tells me sh had been wanting this for a while now, she just didn’t know how to tell me. In any event things didn’t end well so I am sad. I am grieving a 20+ year friendship. I will miss my friend, but when I think about it she wasn’t really communicating with me like she used to before so I’ve been missing her for some time now. Thank you Tammy for replying to my posts, it’s been helpful.
It’s crazy how your friend reached out when you had just been posting about her. You are right, when something like this happens things never return to what they were. It’s like something was broken, even if you put it back together you can still see the cracks.July 8, 2021 at 12:55 pm #893100
Sorry, I just realized I typed Sonia. Our mutual friend that went to the casino. Her name is Sonia. I guess I was thinking of her when I started typing this.July 9, 2021 at 8:19 am #893342
sandra you know why my friend reached out? it seems she has broken her last phone and was unable to access all the data thereon which included many pics that she treasured. she asked me later on whether i have any pics of hers saved on my phone. and if i do, can i send those to her. :-). haha. she dint reach out bec she missed me or thought of me. she reached out bec she thought there was a possibility that i may have some pics of hers saved on my phone. i didn’t actually. i had deleted most of her stuff. the few i did have, i sent to her. it doesn’t hurt nor do i feel bad anymore. am cool either which way.
whats happened between you and your friend happens. sometimes as we grow up and get into different things, we evolve in different directions and it than becomes diff to meet at a common ground. thats probably what has happened between you two. dont think shes a bad person or doing this to deliberately hurt you. just that she realised much before you that your directions have changed. its ok. you take care and figure out ways to fill that gap shes left behind. you may broof over it occasionally but with time, you wont. take care. :-)July 9, 2021 at 1:50 pm #893435
Thank you Tammy,, I know I’ll be ok one day. It’s just the meanwhile that sucks lol. You take care too.July 9, 2021 at 5:22 pm #893479
I am really sorry that you are going through this disappointment.
I advise you to objectively perceive whatever you find happening and to take your time for vulnerable moments.
Your Post reminds me of a Thread I posted on another Website, reflecting on how My Best Friend did not tell or invite me to a Party she was having; as it surprised me as I am usually the first Individual she informs and invites to her Parties. I found-out later that there was more Alcohol than usual being served at her Party, all the Attendees partied hard through the Alcohol! So it made sense then to me that she would not invite me, as I do not drink Alcohol; and would thus be out-of-place there!
My Case is quite parallel to your’s; as you are not yet in a Relationship; while the other Attendees are.
Since Your Friend’s Decision here affects you so much, it would be optimal for you to have a straightforward Conversation with her about how you think and feel about this Matter.
I wonder whether there are other underlying issues you do not clarify here:
Is a part of you also a bit left-out that you are not in a Relationship?
Good luck! :)July 9, 2021 at 6:17 pm #893488
I probably am giving the unpopular opinion but here goes: If she’s your best friend of 20 years, I would think you both would cut each other a little bit of slack durong this time rather than end the friendship.
Friendship dynamics ebb and flow as we age. It’s obvious this couples thing is making things awkward and she’s handling it poorly. I think giving her some space then coming back with some empathy might open the door of communication a bit more.
Or does her poor handling of this awkward situation really call for the ending of a 20 year friendship? I know we all like to say end things way too much on this forum so maybe take a step back and try to have some empathy for your “best” friend, and help walk her through this. She needs you to be the more adult person, and it sounds like you can do that. If you don’t want to salvage the relationship, then keep making things difficult right in the middle of all the drama. She will push you away and you won’t resolve anything. And your friendship will be over. It sounds like that’s what you want anyway… ?July 9, 2021 at 6:44 pm #893492
Hello Padmini, thank you for your reply. I did have an honest conversation with her and she told me she thought I would feel out of place because I was not in a relationship and would feel awkward. I have been single for 12 years. I have hung out with her on numerous occasions when she has had other boyfriends, even when she was married. I had never been excluded before. I’m single it’s a fact of life for me so I either go places by myself or I stay home. I’d rather go out when I have the opportunity. This is the first time that I feel left out in all of these years. So honestly yes I am butt hurt. She told me her life has changed and she is now in a relationship. She now hangs out with other couples.
I understand that, She’s been doing that since she met her new boyfriend 2 years ago, yet our friendship remained the same. It’s just in the last couple of months that I have noticed the distance.
I think that’s where i need to make peace with all of this. Fact of the matter is her life has changed and she doesn’t have time for this friendship because she has made other friends that she has more in common with. I feel that the best thing I can do for my mental well being, my peace of mind is just take a step back and let her do her thing. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing a friendship on her that she no longer has the same amount of time for.July 9, 2021 at 6:58 pm #893496
Hi mama, thank you for responding to my post. Honestly I am very conflicted. I love my friend dearly. She is the sister I never had, and the distance between us in the last couple of months has been difficult on me. I get along great with her boyfriend. He and I had a heart to heart conversation yesterday about this. Would I miss her if we stopped talking, absolutely but I miss her already. So to me knowing that there is no chance of her reaching out because we stopped talking brings me more peace of mind than Hoping to hear from her or me reaching out to her and having superficial conversations with her or trying to make plans with her and her always being busy doing couples things or hanging out with the wives of her boyfriend’s friends.
I know her life changed, I get that and the first two years everything remained the same between us. It’s just recently that I started noticing the distance. Right now I don’t know which would hurt more, continuing as we were and seeing our friendship fade or taking a step back and letting her do her thing. That’s why I’m posting on here. I need some guidance.July 9, 2021 at 9:34 pm #893524
Sorry it became so messy but unfortunately life can get messy at times. I do agree that at this juncture it would be best for you take a step back, and try to rebalance your life so you aren’t so reliant on your friend, or each other, anymore.
From what it sounds like, the two of you spend way too much time together. It sounds more like a codependent friendship which over the long term is not a healthy dynamic. I have never had a friendship like yours because I am able to enjoy many different types of friendships, from acquaintance to close to best, so I never feel like I’m left out because I can easily spend it with others, and be totally OK with it.
I don’t believe this needs to be a breakup but a transition towards gaining some independence, and autonomy from each other. In time I believe you can get back to being besties again but you do need to learn how to balance our life with other people, hobbies, things to do, and places to go without being so overly reliant on each other.
Next year, if still single, have a singles birthday bash at a fun venue, such as a singles resort, Vegas, cruise (just to name a few) that you can plan with your single friends—try it, you might actually have a blast :o)