My best friend didn't want to date me when I asked but he calls me everyday


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  • #804555 Reply
    Guys-are-complicated

    Hi everyone,

    1 year ago, I met a guy who became my best friend.When we met we realized that we were the same: it was so obvious that we were soul mates! At the beginning, it was obvious that he had feelings for me but when I asked him, he said that “we are just friends”.
    I was very sad because he kept flirting with me despite that. We stayed friends and since this conversation last year, we never talked about it.

    Since then, he pursues me. He calls me everyday sometimes for 2 hours. Yesterday, for the first time we talked about our dates and he told me “Do you see someone? Tinder sucks don’t use it”. He calls me but never asked me out for a date!

    I was so disappointed last year when he told me we’re just friends that now I act like a friend to him. I never call him and don’t flirt with him. He thinks that I am not interested in him, but the truth is: he is always on my mind. I know that he has feelings for me but he just doesn’t want to share them.
    The main issue is that even if i Know him, I don’t trust him. I know that he loves blond and superficial girls and talk to many people everyday (he has so many meesages!!). But I still think that I am the one he calls that often.

    How should I act with him? (be the same like not calling him?, not talking about relationship, not flirting? etc..)
    Or should I flirt with him and do something?

    I need advices please!

    #804563 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    I think this guy is wasting your time. He’s playing games. He flirts and he loves the attention you’re giving him, but does not want to step things up and date you. So, if I were you I wouldn’t give him so much attention. Why should he step up and date you when you already spend hours on the phone with him and treat him like he’s a boyfriend when he isn’t?

    Don’t flirt with him. Be less available to him. When he calls or texts, don’t respond right away and spend less time on the phone with him. And you should absolutely date other guys.

    I have been in a very similar situation, where a guy “friend” that I had a romantic interest in took up all my time and energy. I wanted a relationship with him, but he didn’t, he said we were just “friends”; but he expected me to spend hours talking to him and hanging out with him as if we were in a romantic relationship. It prevented me from dating and finding a boyfriend. I didn’t have the time or interest. Once I realized what the guy was doing and distanced myself, I had a boyfriend within a couple of months! I realized I had been wasting so much energy and time on this guy who wasn’t worth it. So if this guy doesn’t want to step up and be with you, find someone who does.

    #804577 Reply
    Tallspicy

    He is not pursuing you. He is taking what he can get because you have poor boundaries. He would only be pursuing you if his words and actions matched and were romantic in nature.

    So stop being confused and either friend zone him with no hope or fade out/stop talking to him.

    #804730 Reply
    Raven

    You don’t have to take his calls & you certainly don’t have to stay on the phone with him for 2 hours…

    2 hours!!

    #804737 Reply
    Lane

    I’ve been through this where I had several men, when I was in the military, tell me decades later they had a crush on me but I just thought we were buds (friends)! I had no romantic feelings for them and only saw them as friends, and this could very well be how he feels too.

    There was one however that surprised the heck out of me when he threw that out there after finding me online decade later (we didn’t have internet back in the 80’s). He gave me zero indication that he was interested in me that way so I put him in the friend zone with all the others. The kicker is we were “cuddle buddies!” I would go to his dorm room, or he mine, when we couldn’t sleep or needed someone to talk to and would just talk until we fell asleep. He never made “a move” so in my mind, we were just friends and that’s how we treated each other in the two years we were stationed together, including the few years after when he would call me from time-to-time (he was then stationed in England and I in Sicily) or send me a friendly postcard once or twice a year until I married which is when they stopped. So yeah, SOME men can be complicated lol.

    Honestly, its not your job to show or prove that your some guys soul mate! If the man isn’t man enough to “man up” and tell you what he wants, then you move on with a man who does—makes life sooooooooo much easier! BTW, I was proposed to by three different men during this time-frame (eventually married the third as I wasn’t ready to settle down).

    I suggest you do what Liz did and put him in the no-BF zone.

    #805157 Reply
    Guys-are-complicated

    Thanks you for your answers guys!
    It is actually really hard to think that he is “using me”. He is really nice with me and we get on. For me, he is like a member of my family. I was wondering if he probably wanted to take his time with me and do things slowly.

    @Liz , I was really interested in your story especially this part “Once I realized what the guy was doing and distanced myself, I had a boyfriend within a couple of months”
    How did you realize that the guy didn’t want a relationship with you? Why did he spend his time to talk to you and go out with you if he didn’t want a relationship? When you cut contacts with him, did he try to win you back??

    #805173 Reply
    Newbie

    Is not that he is using. Its just that he set up this dynamic that you play along in. But your perspectives are totally different: he wants to flirts and play the field and you have feelings for him. You asked liz the question how she knew. You already know too. He told you, he didnt want to date you. Guys are not complicated at all. If he did want you, he would date you, make it clear he only is interested in you, he would make sure you dont date other guys, he would not be interested in tons a blond ladies. This guy is probably not interested in any relationship but that doesnt mean they dont like some company and talks from a lady. And thats you. Its up to you to decide if thats ok for you or not

    #805203 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    What Newbie said. He told me he did not want a relationship, multiple times. I would bring it up & the answer was always the same. He would insist we were just friends.

    He also flirted with other women (sometimes in front of me) & loved female attention in general. He hung out & talked with me because he loved the attention, that’s obvious! It’s a massive ego boost to have a woman spend all her time talking to you, can’t you see that?

    And yes when I distanced myself & started dating a guy he freaked out. But I didn’t care. It was like a light switch flipping in my head. It became so clear to me what he was doing, I was embarrassed that I had put up with him for so long! He moved on pretty quickly though, he found some other woman to give him attention. Because he didn’t really care all that much about me, it was about the attention I was giving him.

    I’ll make 2 additional comments about your original post:
    1. This guy is not your “soul mate”. Your soul mate wouldn’t treat you this way! So get that thought out of your head. I also thought the guy I was talking to was so perfect for me, but when I realized that a guy who was meant for me would not treat me that way, it was easy to walk away.
    2. You say you don’t trust him. Why would you consider a guy you don’t even trust to be so perfect for you?

    #805214 Reply
    Guys-are-complicated

    I know you are both completely right but when you love someone your feelings are irrational.
    It is very hard to let it go and forget someone instantaneously.
    That’s really cruel to call girls just for an ego boost. I would really love to know how to spot people who do that.

    #805327 Reply
    Newbie

    You sound young which is perfect to read up on how to date, how to know a guy is interested etc. Invest some time now and save yourself heartbreak years later. This site has excellent articles (i mean the main site) and baggage reclaim also is very good to learn about time wasters and evan mark Katz site about emotionally unavaible men for instance. Besides that i can recommend why men love b*tches which is not at all about being a b*tch but a woman who puts herself first and walks away when she is not treated right. In this case you should decide if you can stay this guy’s Friend. You might want to slowly back off and not just always take his calls. Or just tell him you like him and since he doesnt in the same way you need some distance. You pick what suits you. Being quiet and thinking a guy one day wakes up and thinks thats my girl is not likely to happen

    #805624 Reply
    Lane

    I’ve been in this guys shoes many times where I enjoyed all the attention but I had zero desire to be a GF. I would talk to them, flirt with them, hang out with them but I had no intention of ever becoming romantically involved with them. In my mind, we were just “friends” as we were young (in our early 20’s) and just having some fun! You are thinking with a completely opposing mindset than he is, which is why your struggling and he is not. To him he has no idea that its cruel, or is hurting you in anyway because he’s not only told you where his head’s (still “sowing his wild oats” and “playing the field”) but has also shown you where its at but you refuse to listen to or see it and keep amusing him. This is a you problem, not a him problem because he put conditions (boundaries) on this friendship and if you can’t accept them then you hang out with guys who don’t.

    Their really is no such thing as “a soul mate.” I’m in my mid 50’s and I only experienced it ONCE with a female friend (BFF) as we could talk for hours and hours about all kinds of interesting and intellectual topics but she sadly died of cancer 15 years ago and I’ve never come across another person that I felt that kind of connection with. The ODDS (maybe 2%) of finding a partner you can spend majority of your life with, in relative harmony (see eye-to -eye a good 90% + of the time) is very very low.

    Additionally, human lifespans have extended 20 – 30 years from those you may have met, such as grandparents or great grandparents who stayed together for 50 to 60+ years but those marriages took place in a very different era than ours, so you’re are going to struggle trying to compare and contrast a very distinctly different set of generations. Count those couples who you know that are still “in love” (bestest of friends) 50 – 60+ years later v. those who are divorced or in miserable marriages and you’ll start to see how rare they really are and slowly becoming extinct.

    Real relationships are nothing like Hollywood Movies, where two actors pretend to be in love for 1.5 hours and achieve a perfect happy ending. Add 10+ years to that movie and you would see a wholly different outcome that’s much closer to *reality TV shows* such as “Marriage Bootcamp.”

    I’m not saying it wouldn’t be NICE to find that lifetime partner (aka “soul mate”) where you can look into each other’s eyes 60 to 70 years later (ages 80+) and still feel that same kind of love and adoration for each other that you did in your 20’s. However, the harsh cold trust is that the current “average lifespan” of marriages today peaks around 10 years and then it down hill from there. Many I’ve seen that try to ‘stick it out’ (make it over 30 years) just tolerate each other; often sleep in different bedrooms; and don’t have much if any romantic relationship—essentially become ‘roommates’ or ‘caretakers’ who co-habitat together.

    What I’m trying to say is that BOTH people (man and woman) have to really, really, really, really love, respect, adore and cherish each other (as long as they both shall live) for a soulmate type of partnership to work. I don’t think its wrong to want that kind of partner but you need to be realistic too, in that, you can still have a great life with one love, two loves or many loves—like Elizabeth Taylor did.

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