Men don’t seem to try anymore?!!!


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by   11 months ago.

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  • #776406 Reply

    violet

    Hi ladies,
    I’ve been dating this guy… well we’ve had a coffee date and a drinks date over a period of one month. He now wants to meet for a coffee again. So I’ve seen him twice in a month – is this normal?

    And these proposed dates of a coffee – is this a slack effort or the norm?

    Has something changed or is this normal when a guy is interested? I mean there’s no real effort!

    And finally, what’s the protocol for sleeping with someone for the first time?

    It appears that men expect this after the third date or so I’ve heard?!

    #776408 Reply

    Khadija

    2 dates over a month period = low interest.

    Keep in mind if something isn’t up to your standards you can say no.
    When I was out there dating I didn’t accept coffee dates because I didn’t find that to be a place I wanted to go to get to know someone.

    There are plenty of other inexpensive activities that I find much more interesting.

    As for sleeping with someone that is up to you, if you aren’t comfortable with that sex after 3 dates, decline.
    Typically I suggest waiting until you know where you stand with a guy.

    Perhaps its time you revisit your standards and decide what works for you in dating.

    #776409 Reply

    Violet

    How do you mean revisit my standards and decide what works for me in dating? I’m pretty laid back and I assumed this was normal?!

    I get two dates may be low interest but what if he works a lot?

    Finally, when you say find out where you stand with him, if he’s open about liking me and being interested in a relationship isn’t that a good sign? I don’t know it’s best to believe their actions tho

    #776411 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree with Khadija, two dates in a month doesn’t show much interest on his part.

    The coffee thing would be slightly off-putting for me for a 3rd date. I would hope that for a 3rd date, a man who was interested in me would come up with something a bit more interesting or creative (visiting a museum, a movie & dinner, doing an activity like a hike or bike ride)– or at least take me to dinner. I think coffee is fine for a first date, because I treat the coffee date as a screener to see if I feel a connection or attraction with the guy before I go on a “real” date. But once you’ve had the 1st coffee date, he should be stepping it up in terms of effort, if he’s interested.

    You aren’t obligated to have sex after the 3rd date, or ever. If you don’t feel the guy is making an effort, or invested in seeing you, why sleep with him?

    #776412 Reply

    Anderson

    All of this seems to be the norm if you meet people on dating apps.

    There is no protocol for sleeping with someone with the first time. You do it when you want to and are comfortable. If someone rejects you for it, then chances are high that was their goal. Sex later than earlier is advised for women so you can weed out the players. But if casual is what you want. and you are absolutely certain you’re the type to not get attached after sex, sleep whenever you want.

    #776413 Reply

    T from NY

    I don’t care how much he works. A man should be hot to trot for you and hoping to get hand holding or some kind of (appropriate) physical contact with you by a third date. If not – who wants to date that guy? It would be a not for me.

    And yes. I’m sorry to type the words (because it’s sad) but we are literally in the midst of human evolution in mating. A lot of men are not gentleman, do not know how or have any interest in properly courting women. There are definitely good men out there – but dating has DEFINITELY changed with the advent of dating apps and ordering up sex like it’s pizza.

    Hold on. Love yourself and stay firm in only giving energy to the good, interested guys. You’re not alone.

    #776415 Reply

    cassandra

    I think that ever since men saw dating apps they try to invent some of there own like a app I tried the instructions were really tiny so I couldn’t read them so I just pressed accept but I went to meet a guy and when I got there we ate dinner and he asked IF I WANTED TO GO TO HIS PLACE OR MINE I mean the thought in my head was a guy had to make this app and I looked and yah I was write is anyone else out there with a similar experience

    #776426 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    My boyfriend worked a lot when I first met him (thru online dating). He worked 50-60 hours a week at the time- and we had 2 dates within a week. After a month, we’d had 5-6 dates. Work is not an excuse if a man is truly interested. He will make an effort to see you and take you out.

    OP, you said “he’s open about liking me and being interested in a relationship”– how does he show his interest? Is it just through texting? Texting is not a replacement for making an effort to see you and be together. It’s easy to say things over text to keep you on the hook (look up e-tethering). It’s his actions that count. Trust his actions, not his texts.

    #776428 Reply

    Rhonda

    I had a guy take me on nothing but coffee dates for several months. I thought it was safer as we would talk & focus on getting to know each other.

    He would always preface our dates as “coffee with a friend” which I thought was very odd. But after having coffee on some occasions 3 months down the road he wanted to sit on a bench with me at a nearby beach. He then casually started putting his arm around me. Sure enough I got turned on and we were hot and heavy after that.

    I never invited him to my home and we did nothing more than that, at my insistence.

    Turns out I later find out he’s actually married! So that’s why he emphasized us as “friends” all the time. I always thought him mentioning the word friend was weird!.

    #776437 Reply

    Violet

    So what you’re saying is this guy isn’t really invested and I should watch his actions not just his words.

    And if I want more than I should up my standards and hold out for more.

    He does text, on average he’ll text once a day and normally takes all day to reply! He’s very open about how he likes me and enjoys spending time with me but like I’ve said that’s been about once every 1.5weeks/2 weeks.

    I assume he’s dating others right? But why bother if this is the case?

    #776441 Reply

    kaye

    Yes he’s dating others! That’s why the being busy excuse makes it so easy! If he’s only seen you twice in a month then he’s had plenty of time to take out a few other women too! I’ve said before that I never did coffee dates when online dating. If a man couldn’t invest the time and money to take me out for dinner then I didn’t even bother. Besides I don’t drink coffee!!

    I also always made it clear to a man UPFRONT that I wasn’t the kind of girl who was going to have sex with him on the 3rd date! What kind of nonsense is that anyway? That way if that was all he was after neither one of us wasted our time.

    And a man telling you he’s interested in a relationship doesn’t mean he’s interested in a relationship with YOU! My husband was working 80 hour weeks when we first met. Our first date had to be on a Sunday night because of his crazy schedule. But he called and texted me every day and we were seeing each other 3 times a week every other week (because of my custody schedule) when we first started dating.

    I wouldn’t bother with your low interest guy. Sounds to be you are the back burner chick and he has another he’s more interested in right now.

    #776445 Reply

    Violet

    Well that’s the thing, he has told me he wants a relationship with ME. So I’m just a bit confused here.

    #776447 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Violet, when did he tell you that he wanted a relationship with you? Through text, or in person? Did you look up “e-tethering”?

    Texting once a day and taking all day to reply to a text shows low interest on his part. I would definitely assume he’s dating others. I hope you’re dating others too?

    You’ve got to look at his actions, not his words! Whatever he told you about wanting a relationship, seeing you twice in a month (and mostly doing coffee dates at that), and taking all day to reply to a text, are not the actions of a guy who is trying to impress you or court you.

    #776448 Reply

    Khadija

    We make time for the things and people we want. Many of us work a lot but, relationships need time and effort.

    I think he needs to step it up past the coffee date and I see no reason why you can’t offer something different. That’s where standards come in, don’t accept another coffee date if that’s not what you want.

    Standards are what things we will accept or not accept in dating.

    I’d simply say we’ve met for coffee a few times, I’d like to meet elsewhere for our next date.

    Just because he says something doesn’t mean much. HE needs to show he is wants a relationship with you by, going on better quality dates and staying consistent with the communication. If not you’ll end up with a guy you barley see or hear from but, says he wants a relationship with you.

    Don’t end up like many women on here who fall for the words but, no action is behind it.

    #776449 Reply

    Anne

    Busy is bull. Coffee dates and drinks are weasel efforts which means you are an option. He likely dates others. I would tell him you are awfully busy yourself these days and move on!

    #776450 Reply

    Violet

    I haven’t heard of ‘e-tethering’ but that makes perfect sense. My gut was picking something up that’s why I came here for advice.

    No I’m not dating anyone else, just want to meet one guy, gets exhausting dating so many at the one time.

    I’ve pulled him up on things and have basically said given he’s so busy, meeting twice a month isn’t going to move this any further.

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