This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tallspicy 1 month, 4 weeks ago.
November 27, 2020 at 10:44 pm #827502
Since the pandemic started, Me(29y) and My bf(33y) who is American apart for 14 months. (Last time we met on August 2019 from the trip in Asia) We didn’t see each other since then and our borders are still closed, (we dated since 2017)
Me and my bf keep ourselves busy as much as we can, and stay positive, We are deeply in love with each other, So we plan our life together and started our Fiance visa, But the case stopped because of the lockdown, and his visiting plans has to be cancelled.
One day I feel like he is withdrawing, by not asking my photo, not much video call, not talking about the visa or show me the excitement of our life plans, so I decided to ask him straight
Me : “Am I thinking too much or this is a real feeling that you are withdrawing?”
Him : “you think too much, I understand how hard his situation is, I’m not an evil person. I don’t want to waste your time or your youth”
Me : “Are you letting me go?”
Him : “It might have to come to that since I won’t be able to see you even New Years, I’m frustrated with our situation”
It was sad and disappointed to know that he has this idea of letting me go from all the investment, I told him directly that I feel sad but understand his kind heart.
I asked him if his feel change
He said “No” he just express his feeling.
I wrote the long conversation to him while he was sleeping that
“Having this idea is not the right way to fix thing, You are doing good on your part, Don’t worry about my time and youth, I am happy waiting and imagining my life with you, Whatever bothering you, I am sorry for not being there yet, What I can do right now is being patient, so…don’t give up on our relationship, everything has the way out, Let’s be a good team”
“I’m not giving up or letting go easy. I’m just under a lot of pressure. For example I can’t go visit. I can’t go to any country. No time off. I was feeling a bit pressured to do this. I simply cannot. Because even if we went you have to quarantine on the way home
Thank you for being patient”
Me : “Now that you know I won’t give up easily, Why are you pushing me away?”
Him :”I’m not pushing you away”
Me : “Then what do you want me to understand?, You keep saying you can’t visit and can’t, But I keep saying I can wait”
Me :”You can’t continue this?”
Him :”I didn’t say that”
Me :”Then why so much pressure? when I said I can wait”
Him : “I’m confused now, I’m not pressuring you, Nothing changed, Just forget I said anything then, I am just telling you I can’t visit I am explaining my frustrations”
Me : “There is the way out, we will discuss it later, Right now take your time, I will be strong, Just trust me”
Him : okay”
Sine this conversation, I feel like our conversation is cold and distance, He is still sending me a meme, Asking what Am I planning to do for my day off, and sent me a game so we could play together, (we just did)
I am wondering, Why is he having this idea?
Am I doing the right thing or not that telling him “I can wait” ?
What should I do to support him ?November 28, 2020 at 1:22 am #827515
You’re creating drama…November 28, 2020 at 2:14 pm #827626
Hi -I think he is trying to tell you he wants out/cannot keep doing this and you are refuing to really hear what he is saying-you can “hang on” as you keep telling him,but he is losing his footing. I think you should back off and give him some space /breathing room. Also, the vaccine will be likely available in 6 months and that could help change things. But after 3 years you really should be making plans to permanently be together and that is not happening…November 28, 2020 at 4:18 pm #827637
I cant tell how this will end. If you started finance visa i see no reason why you would stop now. But i guess the distance is taking a toll on both of your feelings. He cant bond through words every day and talk exited about fiancee visas. Meanwhile you miss a true intention.
What i can tell you is that you continue to put words in his mouth and then use it against him. If there is one sure way to get rid of a guy, this is the path. No wonder he keeps more and more confused about you. Why dont you let him talk for himself instead of you filling it in for him. And take a break. You are causing harm.
And then there is the future. He might be reconsidering it anyway, not just because of Corona but because you havent spend any time together in over a year. What he says makes sense. You shouldnt take it as a rejection but him having valid observations. Listen to him. Instead of dragging the words out of him and then pick him apart. Im not sure what the best way for you is, but chill a bit and see what he comes up withNovember 29, 2020 at 11:21 am #827784
Hi, I totally understand your situation as I also have been going through the same. My SO and I also has LDR for 6 months and due to the pandemic, gave a lot of uncertainties for our future. We planned to married before but because of the pandemic, he became hesitant due to many things. He also withdraw and when I asked about us, he finally said that he had a lot of pressures now and let me go since he can’t promise anything with the current situation. This discussion was 4 months ago, then there were ups & downs overtime, but we discussed everything and for me, this whole things made us a stronger team.
So.. for your questions:
1. Why is he having this idea?
He already told you the answers. He is frustrated by the situation right now. There were many things that maybe he can’t see the future cause the uncertainties of pandemic. Guy doesn’t talk with codes like girl. Take what he said as it is.
I agreed with you that it’s kind of him to let you go and I also understand your feelings. If he really love me, why does he let me go. I think it’s because he loves you that’s why he wants the best for you, and he feels that with the current situation he can’t give you the best. It’s also probably right now he has many things in his mind too other than your relationship and with this pandemic things going on, he can’t just oversee any way out for the relationship yet. This was what my SO told me and I also did the same as you. I said I’ll be patient to wait for you. So, going to your next question
2) Am I doing the right thing or not that telling him “I can wait” ?
It depends. If you really love him, feel that he’s the one and wanna be with him forever, then it’s the right thing. But if you wanna get married soon, then it’s okay to just let the relationship end. But from your story, I guess you’re on the first.
So, it’s right to say that. This is the time that your love for each other getting tested. If you can overcome it, I believe it will bring you even closer and make you a better team.
BUT, you need to really calm & patient in this situation.
The way you asking “why you pushed me away” isn’t going to make it better. I can see that you’re panicked and afraid that he’ll go from you. But you need to understand that guy handles pressure/stress different from girl. Girl will like to talk it up. Meanwhile, Guy will going to his cave & try to solve it by himself. Basically, this is what he did. He stressed and going to his cave to solve it. Don’t take it personally, and thus we go to your next questions..
3) what should I do to support him?
Gave him a lot of space that he needs. Don’t be freaked out easily if he’s withdrawing, he might be quite stressed right now. If you want him to tell you, just nudge it softly. And if he didn’t want to talk, it’s okay, just say that you’re always there if he needs you. That you’re here for him and you’re in this together.
If he tells you his problem, appreciate it, and understand him. Don’t attack him with accuses of what you thought (like why you pushing me away, he doesn’t, he just need his me-time longer, he doesn’t intend to push you away). Be understanding and try to accept it. If he’s feeling down, cheers him & convince him that he’s not alone in this. In the meantime, just enjoy your self moment like what you said, being busy, and keep cherish your time together. Focus on enjoying current time and be present for each other in needs. Don’t raising issue about future, like your fiance visa yet if he seems not ready.
AND, keep honest & open communication with him.
Told him whatever you feel and try to look for the solution together. If one day you’re frustrated with the situation, just tell him, but avoid accuses/attack/blaming him. Always start with “I..” rather than “You..”, for example “I feel ignored..” rather than “You’re pushing me away..”.
I hope it helps!November 29, 2020 at 12:17 pm #827791
Please stop having these conversations by text!!!!!