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redcurleysue.
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Dani
I feel at a crossroads in my life and could use some advice. I am 29.
I feel a bit lacking in my life. I have a very good job. But if someone asked me today about me or about my life, my job would be kind of it. I’m not a workaholic, but I don’t really have much else going on in my life. Work, eat, sleep, repeat type thing.
I feel boring and uninteresting and I feel this has hindered me dating men. I have friends, but a lot of them are married now and living their own lives. We rarely see each other. I have to purposely plan girls nights way in advance to even see them once a month or less.
I was a fitness instructor for years on the side and loved it, but doctors told me to stop because of ankle issues that could get worse. So I don’t have that to do anymore.
I got a puppy thinking it would help me feel more happy. The puppy helps a ton, but I have to be home taking care of it, its also made me into a home body.
I watch so much tv. I actually really like tv, but I feel like a couch potato most nights.
Fun to me is grocery shopping or running errands, which is pretty sad. I like getting out and doing things, but alone is no fun and activities cost money and I’m not a millionaire.
I’ve even considered leaving my life behind here, moving, starting fresh somewhere else far away, hopefully to meet new friends and have a brand new life.
But my job is so good, I worry I will never find one like it anywhere else and I’d regret losing my current position. I’d miss my family a lot too.
I’ve tried doing volunteer work and even the Meetup app as suggested by my counselor, but I have only met nice retired people through this. No new friends to hangout with and no new men. No one my age.
I’ve had a few relationship failures in the past few years and I feel each time the person stripped more of me away. I don’t even like myself. How I am now, I don’t think any man would like me.
I just saw on social media an ex of mine with a new girlfriend. They look so happy, joking with each other, taking lots of photos, and overall a sense of depth and support with each other that I never had with him.
It makes me think I’m a shell of a person. Once you know me on a basic level, its boring.
anon
You sound like me.
First off, social media is an edited portrait of people’s lives. Never judge the quality of a relationship by pics on social media.
If I was you, I’d get back into fitness. You can do a lot with a bad ankle. Join a gym and lift weights. Or go revisit a new doctor and see if that ankle is really a “limit” or if you just had a lazy doctor. OMG, if I was 29 and into fitness and looking to meet men, I’d hang out at my gym. Cross Fit is crawling with men and women looking for fit friends. Powerlifting is getting huge with women and would probably be OK for a bad ankle. Some of my best friends came my way thru crossfit and gym time. Yoga is also an option to get out and meet people. So yeah, maybe you can’t teach tough classes anymore, but you can be active in fitness. Hell, I know a legless veteran who does crossfit.
I agree- meet ups and volunteering for me has been older people (and I’m old) or “couples”.
New life, new town is fun, but maybe try traveling alone first. I travel alone all the time and people judge me and it’s like, if I was to wait for a new boyfriend before traveling, I’d never get to travel!
Dani
I do feel like I am waiting on a man to travel and enjoy life with. I know this is wrong, but I find at 29 and a woman its not safe to travel alone. I know my parents would be worried sick. I love my family we are so close. I’m just sick of doing all this amazing stuff with them or not doing it at all, and a bunch of my friends and my ex’s are living the life with a partner.
anon
It’s not unsafe. I travel alone, granted I am older. At least in the US.
For example, I stayed at a working ranch etc. I always make sure to have a guided activity or two to make sure someone knows I am coming.
There are also tour companies targeted to people your age.Shoshannah
First of all, what you described doesn’t sound like an empty life at all. You listed: a great, full time job, family, friends, a dog, a passion for fitness (although at the moment suspended), counselling. That’s plenty. You’re extremely harsh on yourself. Seeing your friends once a month isn’t that bad in your adult life, it’s not high school or college anymore when you see each other daily and there is at least one party every weekend. And as for being a couch potato – everyone has to restore their energy sometimes, you might be just tired, and believe me, even the most active people, with the most fulfilling lives have a day evey now and then spent on nothing but Netflix. Second, you say that you like your job – is it also your passion? There is nothing wrong with having your job as your main activity, if you also see it as your purpose in life. Do you think Beyonce has a lot going on besides music, or, say, Obama besides politics? This doesn’t make them uninteresting… and I’m pretty sure that they don’t see their friends more often than once a month either.
But if you want more, that’s good too and it’s in your power to arrange it. You already have some good advice above, there are so so many other not expensive possibilities. Say, cinema. I like old, small cinemas (and they are cheaper) and it’s wonderful to go to see a movie alone, at least you can focus. Hiking, you could go hiking with your dog. Books, art fashion… Today with internet those possibilities multiply… you can turn anything into a hobby or even into a business. You like photography, you can become an Insta star, you like fashion you can write a great blog… you can even write a blog about searching your life purpose if you’d like to. But I think that your problem is deeper than lack of interests – it’s rather negativity (maybe depression?) that it’s striking in your posts. Hopefully, realizing that it’s in your power to change things will help with whatever the problem is.
Better off single
If you cant make new friends where you’re at, do you really think going to a new place alone where you dont know anyone is going to work out?
Dani
Yeah that is sort of how I feel. That moving won’t really change much.
Shoshannah maybe I am hard on myself. I think social media has been hard on me. Seeing all these people gettingmarried, having kids, taking trips. Things I am not doing. I think social media makes me feel like sucha loser, for not having a man in my life. I also deep down am sad I can’t find a good man to share my good life with. No one sticks around and it makes me feel worthless.
I started seeing a counselor because I gained a lot of weight, from being at home so much eating my feelings.
I am starting to get that back on track. I hate how I look and want to get more fit for myself.
Shoshannah
well, yes, social media can have a terrible impact… just remind yourself that it’s all bs (it really is, and people who make everything look so amazing are normally the insecure ones who need to convince others and themselves that their lives are great, because they don’t believe so themselves). and putting on weight can kill your confidence too. I would follow anon’s advice and double check whether you can’t go back to fitness. I wouldn’t worry about a man… believe it or not, you’re still young, you have plenty of time. and remember, everyone has their own struggle, whether in a relationship or not, and regardless of how it looks on pictures.
Fairn
I am in my 25th year, I had loved someone just several months ago, but we have a sudden break up. I really thought that it was him who will add some spices in my life but I am wrong. I wish to have a well off relationship with someone who can give comfort and who can take care of my life, and I think that it would be that someone, but I WAS PERFECTLY WRONG.There were moment when I felt something is missing on me, and I needed someone who can love me from now to forever.I know that God has prepared someone for everyone and we just need to wait for His perfect timing.I lack something but I convinced myself not to want someone.. I make myself busy with work and church activities to avoid the feeling of loneliness.It’s fulfilling and it make myself complete.
anon
Dani-
You seem to have a lot of excuses.
You can work out. Period. Unless you are somehow disabled, you can be at the gym exercising in some form.
You can travel. There is no need to have a man to travel. My old intern, beautiful 22 year old woman travels globally *ALONE*.
You can create an interesting online life, that gets you envy from friends.You will not meet a good man when you feel bad about yourself. No good man wants a pity party of a girlfriend.
kaye
I agree with Shoshannah. To me your post sounds like a lot of excuses and possibly depression with the staying home, gaining weight, eating your feelings information. A puppy doesn’t have to keep you house bound. If you’re in the US it seems we have dog parks everywhere here! And the pet stores encourage you to bring your dogs inside! So there is no excuse for not getting out and about. And I mean how easy is it to meet a guy when you’re hanging out at the park or the pet store and you each have a dog?!? It’s an super easy ice breaker.
You need to see your doctor and get back into fitness based on what your body can handle. As anon point out there are all kinds of exercises which don’t involve using your ankles and causing problems.
I think maybe your issue is expectations. Maybe you expected by 30 to be married and starting a family and now you are approaching that age and the reality of it is hitting you hard. But you can’t live your life on a made up timeline! Your friends could be settling just so they can be married by a certain age and end up divorced with 2 kids in 5 years! Certainly not where you want to find yourself.
As an adult working a full time job is going to take up a lot of your time. It’s just reality and paying the bills. It doesn’t make you boring or uninteresting..it makes you responsible!! This is what I think you need to do. You need to take a 30 day break from social media and watching TV. Or at least limit your TV watching to a hour a day.
The holidays are coming up and there is so much you could be doing instead! And if you find grocery shopping and running errands as fun why not make that into a side job? There are plenty of elderly people or moms of newborn babies who can’t get out to do their own errands and would be glad to pay for it. Plus you would get the added pleasure of helping someone!
I would plan a trip with your girlfriends. Not just a girl’s night but a weekend away or maybe a short 4-5 day cruise. You could travel, hang with your friends, and have a great time. I don’t think leaving behind your life and your friends and moving is going to be the answer.
Lisa
I’m a single/never been married 47 yr old woman. I’m active and date….haven’t met ‘the one’, yet, but it’s all good. I never thought I’d still be single at my age, but life doesn’t always turn out the way you may have planned. Life doesn’t end. You just gotta keep getting out there and enjoy it. Traveling abroad alone may not ideal, but you can travel in a tour/travel group. Domestic travel alone is doable, just be aware and safe. I workout a lot, but avoid anything really high impact (gotta take care of your joints, like your ankle)…so many different exercises you can do. Get out and walk off the weight….you can meet someone that way, too. Don’t give up!!
Lola
I think some of you are being very harsh here. I don’t get the impression that you are making excuses at all!
It is really hard seeing others in relationships, with families and living this airy fairy life when It’s something you want and don’t have it yet and it is har doing everything on your own like travelling etc especially if you are someone who likes being in a partnership. It sounds like you’re having a tough time but try to avoid being so hard on yourself.
It’s great that you’re seeing a counsellor as I think it’s important to talk about how you’re feeling but try to focus on working on yourself and liking and loving yourself. It’s number one for any healthy relationship.
Just say that perfect guy came along tomorrow. Yes it would feel great and yes maybe he would make you happy but what would you do if things didn’t work out down the line when you’ve become codependent?! We need to learn how to be happy and whole by ourselves without that other person first.
Focus on the good you do have in your life, like your job that you enjoy so much and the family you are so close with. Some people don’t have those things and as far as social media goes… we all know that’s aloud of crap! It paints an unrealistic idea of people’s lives when in reality no ones life is perfect. Better yet try to avoid social media if it’s making you feel bad!
I really hope our messages have helped! Don’t give up on hope, you never know what or who is around the corner!
redcurleysue
Trust me – there are millions of married people who are unhappy. They may smile on social media but scratch the surface and it is miserable.
You can travel alone – just do not run around at night by yourself. I went across the world alone and safe.
If you need a buddy make some new friends – single ones. Throw dinner parties at your house, invite women over or to lunch. You can be single and happy…you have to look inside. I am glad you are seeing a therapist – get a life coach, read some books, dream of vacation destinations, go see friends out of town, join theatre groups.
See a medical doctor and tell him that you feel down. He will give you a check up.
Stay involved in life and growth. Do new things and think new thoughts.
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