This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Liz Lemon 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
May 7, 2021 at 6:25 am #868025
Hi, so I’ve been talking to this really lovely guy I met online for about a month now. I enjoy chatting to him and we always have a great laugh. We’ve chatted nearly every day since we met.
His job is tough and he sometimes has 24hr shifts, but he always sent me a message or a picture at some time during the day. Often we would end up chatting quite late, sometimes until around midnight. Several times I have accidently fallen asleep mid conversation. I have always apologised for this the following morning and he said never to worry about that.
I mentioned to him about a week ago that I had university exams starting soon. A few days after that, he slowly stopped texting. The day after my first exam, which was last Tuesday I texted him and we had a great chat although he ended it saying he had to go to bed, which was a bit unusual for him given the time. This had happened maybe once or twice before this.
However, I haven’t heard from him in almost three days. I am just curious, is he respecting the fact that I have exams and doesn’t want to bother me because he doesn’t know if I’d like that? I never told him what days or times my exams were and he never asked. Or has he lost interest and is using my exams as a way to end it because I’m busy, we drifted apart etc?
I know there is the element of his job to consider. But it never seemed a problem before.
I’m really hoping this isn’t the case because he really is a lovely genuine guy and we seem to be on the same page when it comes to the whole dating thing. Should I just wait until my exams are over before jumping to any conclusions? I don’t want to text him because I’m kinda scared to know if he has lost interest. And it’s so hard because I really like this guy.
I would love to know your thoughts on this.
Thank you!May 7, 2021 at 7:05 am #868034
you said you’ve chatted nearly every day since you met… why are you no longer meeting him then? or by met you meant when you started talking online? Because if you haven’t met yet, then this is not going anywhere.May 7, 2021 at 7:25 am #868038
If within a week of online chatting you’ve not met, then it’s going nowhere. This guy is “living rent-free” in your head, without him making any effort to meet or contact you. He saw that he could make the minimal effort with you(chatting till midnight) and get someone to talk to. Why do I see that you get too comfortable very fast? For someone you don’t really know, you have really been too accessible to him, telling him your business, thinking about him too much. Also, you cannot presume that someone is a “lovely genuine guy” by just chatting. You have to get to know someone on a face-to-face level, for a considerable period before opening up to them and thinking a lot about them. Honestly, I would say he was never interested in the first place.May 7, 2021 at 7:41 am #868040
We haven’t met yet because I am worried about the whole Covid issues. I have a family member that is vulnerable so I do not want to risk anything. He agreed with that and said no worries that he would be willing to wait until easing of restrictions. We are in Ireland and the restrictions haven’t eased yet. He also said he was on duty most of May and didn’t get any leave for another few weeks.May 7, 2021 at 8:08 am #868050
I understand that. How about you just casually contact him and see if you will get the answers you are seeking. Maybe something like “you seem quiet lately, is everything okay?”May 7, 2021 at 8:50 am #868067
you can try that, but I would respect myself and not bother him, he might reply if he is polite but I am guessing that would the end of it anyway.
I am sorry to say this but building a connection over text whether in lockdown or not would rarely work , it works for women because we tend to fantasise about that person, it rarely works for men, because they do not get attached to text messages or phone calls. In fact if it was me I would be questioning why this guy is on his phone till midnight… but everyone is different I guessMay 7, 2021 at 7:07 pm #868220
If you think potentially getting bad news about the situation will distract you from your exams, then wait until they are over first.
If he still seems interested once you reach back out to tell him exams are done, can you two plan a video date so that there’s more momentum and less fantasy?May 8, 2021 at 4:39 pm #868546
Normally in such circumstances the advice would be cut your losses and not reach out to the guy because usually in most cases, when the person is not incapacitated that they can’t text, it means they’re no longer feeling the whole thing.
But I guess your situation is quite different so maybe you can hit him with a “Hey Sam, thought I’d just check on you. Hope everything’s good on your end”
Don’t text “Where have you been, Hey stranger, long time not hear/speak, why are you ignoring me etc. It creates a situation where he feels pressured thus gets defensive, cold or even go poof for real and it makes you look like you have no life and are waiting on him.
If he doesn’t reply or sounds vague and dismissive then don’t contact him again.
Like Maddie said, this might disturb your exams but then again so does the anxiety and being left in limbo. So you need to decide what approach works for now.May 8, 2021 at 5:04 pm #868550
If you can’t meet someone in person, then why are you doing online dating?? I’d suggest hiding your profile until you’re ready to meet face to face.May 9, 2021 at 10:32 pm #868558
Absolutely do not text him. He will keep in touch if interested.May 10, 2021 at 10:56 am #869241
You’ve already posted about this.
You are not on the same page when it comes to ‘dating’ because people who are actually interested ‘in dating’ go on real dates. If he was into ‘virtual dating’ he would still be contacting you virtually.
Since you’re hell bent on keeping him tethered to your phone since you don’t have the ability or time to actually date men in real life, just text him “Hi, are you still alive?” He will pop back in since you invited him too, text for a bit, then fade out again, and be in the same spot you are now.
If you are looking for pen pals then you should at least be honest with men, about what you really want, and looking for, from the get go. Men who have no life, unemployed, super introverted, hide behind a screen, married, looking for an ego boost, etc. will be happy to entertain you virtually. This man isn’t one of them so you really should stop wasting his time, and find a new virtual date.May 10, 2021 at 12:43 pm #869262
I understand about Covid restrictions and not being able to meet right away. But it’s really a bad idea to get super attached to a guy over texting. Texting is very low effort, a guy can text all day long just to pass the time and not get super invested. Especially since he’s never even met you in person. Women on the other hand do get very attached over texting.
So now you’re in a situation where you’re worried and fretting because you haven’t heard from him. For all you know he’s started chatting with someone else. Or maybe he’s busy with work. Or family, etc.
I agree with Erin’s advice that at most, you could send a light, friendly “Hi, just checking in! How’ve you been?” text. Don’t send anything where you’re pressuring him or demanding to know why he hasn’t contacted you. I will say, if a guy wants to contact you, he will- busy job or no busy job, exams or no exams. So it’s not a good sign that this guy stopped texting.
Overall I advise you to step back from chatting with guys if you can’t meet them soon. Taking a break from the apps like Angiebaby suggested isn’t a bad idea. You clearly get really attached over chatting (which is normal, especially since you are young). That puts you in a really vulnerable position with guys. A guy might chat daily for weeks and then drop off the face of the earth and think nothing of it, which leaves you anxious and wondering. It’s better to do the app dating when you can actually date and meet in person– even just a distanced walk in the park, anything. Just something where you have momentum. Because chatting alone gets you nowhere and only creates anxiety in the end, when the guy lessens or stops his texting.