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June 13, 2018 at 6:00 pm #707448
I recently met a guy online a few months ago. I wasn’t really looking for anything serious, just someone fun and new to spend time with because I was fresh out of a relationship that had lasted two years.
Adam is crazy funny. We got on like a house fire and were shooting off joke after joke before exchanging numbers. It took about a month or so before we met in person because I was on vacation, but he checked in pretty often and made his interest very clear.
For our first date, I had him find a dog friendly restaurant for us as I’d just brought home a brand new puppy from vacation and needed to keep him with me. He picked one of my favorite places and met me there, bringing along an inexpensive gift referencing a sarcastic joke I’d made the day before.
The date started off well- we told stories that painted us as both as adrenaline junkies with terrible judgement (first dates gone horribly wrong- including someone on heavy hallucinogens attempting to choke me out was one of my highlights.)
We’re both very outgoing, so we made friends with the waiters and people at surrounding tables. It was a super fun time. While we were walking away from the restaurant, figuring out what to do next, he suddenly picked me up, threw me over his shoulder, and ran me over to a car that belonged to a man who had been sitting at a table across from ours! The trunk was open, so he stuffed me in and yelled “go, go, go!” at the owner, who stood there confused as all hell before everyone realized it was a joke and started laughing hysterically.
We went and played mini golf afterward, and it was great fun. We were giving each other a lot of guff and teasing each other. He insisted on paying for everything opened doors for me, and so on- all the gentlemanly things that you’d expect.
During dinner, he’d told me that he’s never experienced anything like “love” before, but has lived with and been in serious relationships with a few women. I told him I’m casually seeing a couple people and am just really looking for fun new people to hang out with.
He walked me to my car, and while we were walking toward a dark alley he joked “we both know what this means,” and grabbed me, put his hand over my mouth, and started dragging me back toward the alley for about 5 seconds while I was screaming and laughing.
I never felt like I was in danger, I knew he was just joking.
He dropped me off at my car, kissed my cheek, and called me on his way home to talk until he got there. We’ve spoken every day since and seen each other every week.
The second date was your standard dinner and a movie, though we found an abandoned shopping cart, which he zipped me around in for about ten minutes between the restaurant and movie theater parking lots before “parking” it in front of the ticket counter. He held my hand during the movie, and he fed me popcorn and tried to eat mine from out of my fingers. I’d sometimes pretend I was going to feed some to him, and would “accidentally” drop it at the last second. We were giggling like maniacs the entire time- luckily the theater was mostly empty.
He’s a complete psycho, but in such a ridiculously fun way.
He calls me almost every day and texts me all day, even when he’s at work. He’ll send me little videos of the remodel he’s doing on his house, or the things he’s doing at work. He says yes to everything I invite him to, and he invited me to a BBQ this week. I’d told him I was in a weird mood due to a little bit of a falling out with my best friend. He called me to cheer me up for an hour and got me in a good mood in no time. We both talk about how weird it is that we have the same super dark sense of humor and how fun it is to be around and talk to each other.
He and I had a “what are you looking for?” talk, and it’s been made pretty clear on both ends that I’m not available for a long-term committed relationship and neither is he.
However, on our third date, he was really affectionate with me. He picked me up and spun me around when he greeted me, and physically carried me to the restroom after I’d laughed and demanded he put me down because I had to go. He had said something along the lines of it being his one goal to make me “as happy as possible” on the phone earlier that day, and so he ordered two plates of what he knew I wanted for us to share. When the food arrived, I was visibly excited, but he said “What, no happy tears?” And I said “not quite” so he got down on one knee and pretended to propose to me while everyone around stopped what they were doing and stared. I laughed like a maniac and told him to get his silly ass up off the floor.
He started up a conversation with our server, pretending that he thought he knew her from somewhere. She played along, and we all had a blast. He continuously called her by the wrong name, and we both claimed to be “half siblings” when she told me that he was a keeper, (It’s obvious that we’re not siblings- he’s white, and I’m mixed-race.) She seemed to really enjoy our shenanigans and actually ended up offering us free dessert because she liked us so much.
We went on a long walk downtown, and he kept picking me up to carry me across the street when the light changed. He held my hand and kissed my forehead. When we met up with some of my coworkers for a little birthday get-together, the way he was looking at me drew a few comments. He also held my hand under the table and at some point gently wiped some smudged makeup from my undereyes, which made the rest of the table go “awwwwwe.”
We went out dancing with a couple of my girlfriends afterward, and both danced with and talked to separate people at different times, which is what I insisted on. I didn’t want him to think he had to stay right next to me the whole time.
After, he drove my car to his house because I was really tired and didn’t want to drive.
Right before we got down to hooking up for the first time that night, while he was on top of me, we started joking about something that was completely unrelated to sex and had a full-blown conversation for literally five minutes where we were smiling so hard that it hurt before we remembered what we were supposed to be doing.
He kept saying things like “Are you even real?” or similar during, and while it was definitely nice to hear, I started feeling kind of awkward about it.
On the way to his house, he’d said that I was the “most attractive woman he’s ever talked to,” which I made a sarcastic remark about and rolled my eyes at, because it was obviously a load of nonsense.
After we had sex, he said “that was amazing, you’re going to make me fall in love!”
I gave him a look, and he said
“Nah, just kidding.”
Then, he said “I really don’t want to like you. At all. You’re making it so difficult.” Which I told him was a really weird thing to say.
We laid there and had a nice conversation about how well we get along and how our chemistry and shared sense of humor was something neither of us had experienced before. We both said we were really happy and that we couldn’t stop smiling.
He cuddled me to sleep, and woke me up by kissing me all over my face a couple of hours later before his alarm went off. We took a shower together and he kept staring, smiling down at me, kissing me, and saying that I was beautiful and so on. We went to get coffee together and kissed goodbye, and he texted me later to tell me that I was “F****ing dope” and that he’d had an amazing time.
Since then, he’s texted me good morning every day. He always reiterates how much he’s enjoying what’s going on between us and that he loves being around me, how he can’t wait to see me, and how I’m the coolest girl he’s ever met, how his ONE goal in life is to make me so happy that I cry someday.
Again, I like hearing these things, and I like being in contact all day- But I just can’t get past the fact that we both said that we’re not looking for anything beyond having fun and how he’d said when we first met in person that he hasn’t EVER felt anything deep for anyone.
I’m totally okay with that, I have no need for him to feel anything for me, and it doesn’t affect how I feel about myself- but I’m confused as to why he’d continue to shower me with all of the compliments, attention, time, and affection. Why he’d kiss my hand in front of everyone and ask to take selfies with me. Why he’d take me out to nice restaurants, say yes to everything I suggest, bring me around the people he’s close to, call me every day, etc.
He’s just piling on all of this SUPER cute, affectionate, boyfriend-y stuff and saying things that are completely unnecessary in a no-strings-attached dynamic like what we agreed on.
It’s almost like he’s actively trying to get me to fall for him. I feel like if I was a girl who was a little more fragile, inexperienced, or naive, he’d break my freaking heart. It’s not going to happen in this instance, and again, I do enjoy the attention and we have an absolute blast together. He’s the first person I’ve ever met who can keep up with my brand of crazy, he’s game for everything, and he’s super hot, in my opinion.
So my question, and thanks for bearing with me here, is:
Should I tell him that he’s sending weird, unnecessary mixed signals and that he doesn’t need to be so extra with me, because I’m totally okay with a friendly, no-strings dynamic?
Should I just enjoy it for what it is and keep the fact that there’s nothing deeper going on there in the forefront of my mind instead of reading into it and questioning what he’s playing at?June 13, 2018 at 6:10 pm #707452
I would, in some conversation, put in that it is a good thing you both want casual.
This way there are no misunderstandings.June 13, 2018 at 6:37 pm #707466
This guy acts over the top, dragging you around all the time so i guess the over the top flattery also is part of his personality. I dont think it matters if you say something or mot as long as you can keep your feelings In check. I do think he is trying to make you fall for him. Maybe its because he has never experienced being in love himself so he is overcompensating hoping it will trigger a response in himself? No idea reallyJune 13, 2018 at 6:38 pm #707467
The first thing that crosses my mind is cheesy and well rehearsed. The guy is a player. I say this because even the men who are into me or married me didn’t act this hokey. It’s not real. And as usual you said you don’t want a relationship. So he is taking that at face value.. but you have this warped idea he is falling for you. Update us in a few months. This is over the top and he is comfortable because you set the stage for this to be casual. No mixed signal at all. But I think you secretly want more and that’s why you ask. Because seriously? Most men don’t act this way unless that are crazy or players. It’s been said over and over. Real love is calm and consistent. This is just infatuation. I doubt he is trying to get you to fall for him. You seem easily impressed by grand gestures. Players are great at that. So rest assured you are a temporary distraction.. and sinceyou only wanted casual. What’s the problem.June 13, 2018 at 6:39 pm #707468
You said it upfront – you’re both adrenaline junkies with terrible judgment. I only skimmed after that. That’s a set-up for a train wreck.
You are making the typical mistake that every woman makes when she comes here claiming she doesn’t want a relationship but the guy is sending mixed signals… you think him being sweet to you has some deeper meaning and he wants you for more than just FWB, which is what you two have established. There are no mixed signals. He’s an adorable nut and he’s enjoying himself with you. Read that again – NO MIXED SIGNALS. I can tell you with almost 100% certainly that if you catch feelings and confess that to him, he will run 100 miles. Women don’t bloody LISTEN to men, they hear what they want to hear. He told you he’s never really been in love. His relationship history backs that up. Drop the fantasy that you’re going to be the one to change his mind or stop seeing him.
But I bet you keep this up, develop feelings, and get your a** handed to you. Go spend some time reading through this site. This is such a common situation it isn’t even funny.June 13, 2018 at 6:42 pm #707470
All his kooky stunts are a big cover-up for a guy who has commitment and intimacy issues. He’s the class clown, who is masking a lot of problems and sadness with his antics. It’s not funny or attractive for very long to a mature woman.June 13, 2018 at 6:44 pm #707472
We’ve had that conversation a couple of times!
He knows exactly where I’m at on it, I’ve said that this was the perfect set up for me already. I’ve been VERY clear.June 13, 2018 at 6:46 pm #707474
And I’m sorry, but if there was really no way he could break your freaking heart, you wouldn’t freaking be posting here asking the questions you’ve asked or even thinking he’s sending mixed signals!June 13, 2018 at 6:47 pm #707478
Yeah Serena… ever heard the saying, the lady doth protesteth too much????June 13, 2018 at 6:48 pm #707479
Be careful…I once dated a guy who was funny, loud and over the top (he was a comedian actually) and would joke around with people in public. He also promised me the moon and the stars and I fell for him big time.
He was there one day and the next minute he disappeared so quick even a ghost would struggle to keep up! I’d say enjoy it for now, but don’t get too attached.June 13, 2018 at 6:56 pm #707484
My final comment – if you really only wanted casual, you’d be just enjoying his company or freaking out and backing off from him, instead of spending your time telling the story here to convince strangers he wants you for more and to get us to agree with you.
Seriously, Serena, spend a few hours reading the posts here about “Mixed Signals” and you will see why I and everyone else are saying what we’re saying. Men really don’t give mixed signals, women just don’t want to hear or see the truth.
It’s now a challenge to him to make you cry because he’s made you happy or worse, make you fall for him. He’ll be off once that happens. This isn’t a movie where you are The One who makes the man who’s never been in love fall in love.June 13, 2018 at 7:02 pm #707487
Well, I do mostly enjoy the over-the-top ridiculousness, I definitely admit that! Whenever he compliments me, I brush it off. Especially when it’s ridiculous, like “Are you even real?” or “You’re the most attractive girl I’ve ever dated, – no, scratch that- talked to, even.”
I’ve even sarcastically repeated “Are you even real?” back at him in a mocking voice with my eyes crossed, the second time he said it, which made him laugh.
There’s no way I’m falling for it, and again I have no interest at all in a committed relationship. I’m just confused about his insistence on being adorable and sweet and all that when it isn’t necessary. If he was simply fun and easy to talk to, which is what I’d expected, I’d be just as excited to sleep with him as I am with all the compliments and affection and stuff.
I’m taking him at his word, I believe that he doesn’t want anything deep or meaningful- and I’m on the same page there. It’s just that his actions are completely belying his words. If he can get sex and companionship from me without all of that, what’s the point in all the extra effort?
It almost feels like he wants me to feel something deep for him, like he gets off on having women falling for him or something? Because he has said that his last hook-up situation ended due to her wanting more than he could give. But if he was treating her the way he’s treating me, of course she would have thought that he wanted more. I brought that up to him, and he said “No, I didn’t really like her at all. It was 4 months of her coming over to have sex and then leaving immediately after”June 13, 2018 at 7:07 pm #707490
No. He doesn’t and having dated players in the past.. he isn’t doing anything with you he hasn’t already tested and perfected with other women.June 13, 2018 at 7:11 pm #707493
If you aren’t falling for it, why the need to post here and even askJune 13, 2018 at 7:20 pm #707496
By your logic and what you claim to want-his “never been in love” would be a good thing for you,Serena, as you say you don’t want that.
BTW, I went on a date with a guy like that. He had lived with several woman,in long relationships ,but never loved them,he said, Weird! Then he said that he was working on himself and only went on one or two dates a year. Lucky me,a chosen one-lol. Never saw him again.June 13, 2018 at 7:20 pm #707497
That generally socially unacceptable clowning, putting you in sme dude’s trunk, how immature, that would get old really quickly.
The whole thing turns me off big time. Acting like juveniles with a shopping cart?
The guy is a real doofus.June 13, 2018 at 7:58 pm #707513
I went on dates with a guy like this too. Some of his behaviours were A bit socially unexpectable, full on over the top, and it was fun but he was as it turns out bi-polar.
He also liked the rush of the newness of something, the chase was divine to him. It ends and they need new excitement.
even if you aren’t romantically attached, you will end up missing him being around. This guy is now embedded into your life in a big way.June 13, 2018 at 10:09 pm #707538
He’s acting like this because he gets off on being the center of attention, as do all people who act completely over the top, silly and goofy all the time. You can’t take anything he says remotely seriously, because he isn’t capable of being serious.
I have known these kinds of guys. It’s a cover up for profound issues with being who they really are/themselves, and in fact, a way of keeping people at arms length, because they basically are joking / clowning around all the time.
I’d find this incredibly annoying myself.June 14, 2018 at 2:16 am #707555
Serena, stop assuming he’s trying to make you fall for him. You have no idea what his intentions are. If you’re just “having fun,” why are you obsessing on a dating forum? It seems to me you care more about this than someone who’s just in a casual encounter. Just my impression…June 14, 2018 at 2:42 am #707559
I don’t think we need to shame the OP for liking this or questioning this. This site is here to help isn’t it?
But what I do see is that she is just trying to analyze what is going on because she is feeling like this is a real connection and it is obvious that its throwing her off balance. It will most likely end or die down as it’s so full on. It cant stay like this, so how it will change you will have to wait and see.
what are your ages?June 14, 2018 at 3:09 am #707562
okay, do a self assessment very quickly
1. how did YOU feel about him picking you up and “stuffing” you into a trunk as a joke on the first date? don’t think about anyone else or what his intent was. how did you feel?
2. his jokes are very dark. how does it make you feel?
3. you say he is a total psycho. why?
4. do you know what love bombing is?
5. he makes a lot of grand gestures and sweeps you off your feet (like, literally?), but do you feel any authentic vulnerability from him?
my advice? runJune 14, 2018 at 8:37 am #707582
We’re both 25 –
I do feel off balance, that’s true. And my question here, that nobody seems interested in answering is should I just enjoy his over the top-Ness for what it is, knowing full well he doesn’t feel anything deeper than liking being around me, or should I tell him that he truly doesn’t need to do all this extra stuff, it’s unnecessary because I’m happy with just having someone fun and interesting to hang out with/hook up with?
I’ve indicated that I *know* he’s not falling for me and that I don’t need or even want him to multiple times but people are taking what they want to take from it. I appreciate that people are trying to warn me to prevent me from having my heart broken, that’s really kind. It’s just not going to happen in this instance because I’m not there.
I’ve had casual, short term FWB situations a couple of times between relationships. I know the difference between an emotional connection and a surface level one.
We get along really well, have the same sense of humor, and like to try to one up each other as far as who can be the most over the top, but I don’t feel any sort of emotional bonding going on here.
My question was not
“Like OMG guys do you think I should ignore that he’s probably a sociopath who has never felt deep emotions for anyone and has a history of breaking up with women when they form emotionalattachments to him? Teehee! Could it be…… Twu wuv!? he DID stuff me in a trunk, after all”
It was, and I’ll paraphrase to make it extra, super duper clear:
“should I tell him he’s being unnecessarily boyfriendy and that I’m enjoying his company and sleeping with him already without this extra affectionate, courting stuff–even though I like it?
Should I not say anything and just ignore it while keeping the fact that it doesn’t mean anything deeper in the forefront of my mind?”June 14, 2018 at 8:47 am #707583
Lol i answered your question
I get youre annoyed with the responses, i would be tooJune 14, 2018 at 8:47 am #707584
Serena dont say anything. Just let him play it the way he wants to play it. Its his choice. If it doesnt effect you just leave him. You do you and let him do him.
also i sometimes find the posters on her want to assume that you are head over hills for a guy when sometimes you are just curious and want to work whats going on out. Not everyone is looking to get married and hoping this is the one.
keep us updated. You are 25. Have fun.June 14, 2018 at 8:53 am #707586
1. I felt exhilarated and I felt like laughing hysterically. I felt amazed that he’d have the brass balls to do something like that to someone he’d never met. It was exciting and ridiculous and it felt fun.
2. His dark jokes are awesome! I love them. That’s one of the main things we have in common. I don’t ever meet people with the same sense of humor as I do, so I’ve been excited having someone to riff off of as opposed to just reacting to things I say.
3. The fact that he’s so over the top and so uninhibited is half of why I think he’s a psycho. The other half is because he really, truly does not seem to give a damn about anything, or anyone. It’s fascinating. I’ve asked him if he’s ever felt like he might be a sociopath, and linked him to an online quiz. He took both the Sociopath quiz and the Psychopath quiz and scored 30% on both. I said “my math is probably off, but I’m just going to assume this means you’re 60% insane.”
4. I’m not familiar with that term, no.
5. No I don’t feel any vulnerability from him aside from him having told me he doesn’t really have a lot of self confidence and doesn’t feel particularly sure of himself in response to him kind of freaking out about a social situation I’m about to put him in, wherein he’d be at a disadvantage compared to the rest of my friends who will be present. We’ve also talked about our shared attachment issues due to our mothers both dying when we were the same very young age from the same disease, and how we deal with trauma via humor vs. vulnerability.
I don’t feel emotionally close to him at all or vulnerable with him, and I think that’s how we both want it.