Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › If He Wants No Strings, Why's He Trying To Get Me To Fall For Him?!
This topic contains 122 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by 4 years, 2 months ago.
More drama that a day time soap opera. Since you are so clear you are keeping it casual then I go back again to there is really no advice you need here. And you’re not hearing advice already given. It is like twilight zone with a huge disconnect. I agree with L.
It sounds to me like you are both intelligent, sharp, thrill-seeking people who enjoy being the center of attention. That’s not a bad thing, nor is it meant to be insulting. You’re the ones who keep any party lively and can get even shy people to get up and run around doing crazy things.
But that also means you’re both going to be remarkably unstable in a relationship – because you always need to have everyone’s eyes on you. One person won’t be able to fulfill your need to feel special for long. It’ll be amazing, intense, and wonderful at first, and once someone gets bored the backlash is going to be equally intense.
You enjoy his attention and the idea that he’s chasing you – I can’t think of any woman out there who wouldn’t. And he enjoys playing mind games (marry me! I’ll kill you! my ex and I slept together, but you don’t mind, right?) and reeling you in slowly like a prized game fish, while still maintaining his freedom to play at will.
I agree that once he’s got you – which is much sooner than you seem to want to admit – he will dally a while, then seek the thrill of love-bombing and capturing a prize somewhere else and YOU will be the “ex he doesn’t even like but still hangs out with to keep from hurting her feelings”.
I know, I know, you’ve said it’s “just fun” for you – ad nauseum. And I agree with the others here, the lady doth protest too much.
He has already woven himself into your life in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. He means more to you than I think you’re willing to admit to yourself. But you won’t find that out until you’re hurting afterwards. Manipulative people are, BY THEIR VERY NATURE, charming and witty and endearing. And they will hurt you badly.
You’re obviously a very smart person – your writing shows that. You’ve got a wide creative streak and a fun-loving nature. But this is a road that I’m afraid is going to end badly unless you’re willing to be honest with yourself, and to look at him with the rose-colored glasses set aside. There is truly a potential for danger here, and I fear you’re going to keep dancing along until it hits you.
I dont understand why you “can’t” be together. You’re actively engaging in the relationship and appear to be emotionally invested. This sounds like a romantic comedy script I have heard before.
The “scarcity of my time and emotional bandwidth probably adds to its value” who talks like this? It’s like a really poorly written roman novel. And joking about proposing and shopping for engagement rings with someone you won’t even agree to be exclusive with is so childish. I just have to keep reminding myself you’re only 25 and immature but then I was married with a child and well established in my career and a manager over multiple employees by the time I was your age.
Amy- I think you’re completely right in terms of your characterizations of the two of us. We both like the thrill and the cat-and-mouse of this. I think it’s a game to see who falls first at this point and that’s not necessarily healthy. I think he’s more than likely as attached as he is because I refuse to engage with him on the level that he’s used to, and the fact that I’m largely unavailable in the way he’d like is what’s got him on the hook.
I really, really do like who he is as a person and we get along incredibly well. He’d be a great friend if I wasn’t so attracted to him, which is probably why I haven’t just cut things off already (because it’s already a bit more complicated than what I’m looking for.) I think it’ll probably end when he finds someone who actually does want what he says he wants from me- some girl who isn’t okay with me being around on the periphery.
For now I’m mostly taking a wait-and-see approach, I doubt he’ll be able to keep up the Prince Charming act for the next 6 months if he’s got nefarious intentions.
I’m not sure why you feel the need to brag about such minor accomplishments from when you were my age- if you want to measure your internet penis against mine, that’s your prerogative. I’m a community manager for the largest rental property in my city, and also have my own business (teaching music lessons.) Just because I find joking about getting engaged humorous doesn’t mean I wait tables for a living- not that there’d be anything wrong with that anyway. What’s the point of trying to feel superior to strangers?
That said- my sense of humor can DEFINITELY be ridiculously immature- you’re absolutely right about that. I also don’t necessarily have the most “mature” track record in my previous relationships. They’ve all ranged between 2 years and 5 years, but it’s never come close to marriage. Congrats on having the kid and the husband and the illustrious career of managing a couple people, though. I’m impressed :)
I truly think that you’re either a troll or someone in need of serious mental health intervention and medication. You sound manic.
Get some meds, get some therapy.
The more I read the more I think you actually sound like a sociopath.
Love, emotions, these things are not a game. You sound very creepily removed from anything resembling feelings, empathy or normal human emotion. You are acting as if this whole thing is a chess game.
I have to stop reading. It’s creeping me the hell out.
I’m with Ali and Amy here. I have been following this post since the beginning and while initially I just didn’t buy you lack of attachment, now I’m just convinced you are a narcissistic, self centered, borderline sociopath. What is the reason you are here and feel the need to reiterate even the smallest, most insignificant interactions between you and “adam” that no one here has even asked for or about? While I find his behavior obnoxious and not appealing in the least to me, I find you to be the worse of the 2. You protest you have no emotional feelings or even the capability to have them for him, yet you spend all your time with him, and even more of your time relaying the details (which you swear mean nothing) to strangers here. You seem to really need validation and attention and his isn’t even enough, you need it from people you’ve never met on an issue which isn’t even clear anymore. If you are so unattached and don’t care about him or the situation, why have you written over 7 pages on this board about it? Because you do care and you want validation. I suspect he isn’t writing on the internet about you, even though you seem to believe he is head over heals in love with you; and why not? Because he ACTUALLY doesn’t care. Move on. This is ridiculous. Better yet, I am moving on.
These are a couple of 25 year olds of average or less than average maturity level. They are quirky people and they think they’re having fun. One or both are going to get burnt, those of us who have more life experience see that clear as day, but they’re going to find out by living it. It’s that simple.
Serena’s been warned plenty here but she will keep going, she isn’t taking any advice and backing off this situation, if anything she’s getting in deeper and I bet she agrees to this Christmas trip. I think this guy could get very ugly if she doesn’t give him what he wants and gets back with her ex. I also don’t think they are capable of sustaining a real relationship over time, because of their ages, maturity levels and personalities. But that and five bucks will get you a Starbucks coffee.
Anyway, I”m out, said all I can say. Best of luck.
I truly appreciate your input- thanks for all of your advice. You seem like a genuinely kind and helpful person, and I’ve taken what you’ve said into consideration :)
That’s definitely the first time someone’s told me that I creep them out! I am pretty emotionally removed from most people though, I have been since I was a teenager. I’m very emotionally reserved, and my last relationship is the only one I’ve ever been in where I was able to really be effusive in that way. I’ve been called a robot by a couple of different people I’ve been in committed relationships with, but I haven’t ever had feedback where I’ve been called creepy. That’s really interesting.
I’ve got a few really close friends that I’m super emotionally attached to, but it takes a lot for me to be attached to anyone new. That’s definitely something for me to consider, maybe I am an unhealthy level of emotionally detached. Thanks for pointing that out.
Has it ever crossed your mind that’s you might be on the autistic spectrum? That’s meant with genuine intent as I have a close friend who responds in the way you have here. It’s struck me reading these posts and I was curious?
No offense taken! I have been diagnosed with Asperger’s, funnily enough. It’s pretty easy to spot. Luckily I’m very high functioning and it hasn’t been detrimental to my social life at all as an adult. As a kid, though? I had NO idea “how to people.” It took until I was 20 before I could navigate a social situation without it ultimately devolving into a steaming pile of awkward.
A fake pic, huh? Alrighty.
I’ve been on this forum for about 3 years, actually. Under different names, but definitely present.
I’ve asked maybe 6 questions, also. Most of them tend to get up to about 6 or 7 pages.
As far as the rest of your deconstruction, I don’t really know what to tell you. *I* personally don’t think I’m a robot, but I’ve definitely been called one. I don’t “not care” about anything, I just don’t get emotionally attached to people easily. I think you might just have a pretty cartoonish and surface-level idea of what emotional detachment is. Not having emotions and being emotionally detached are not the same thing.
I’d recommend reading up on things before you try to play armchair psychiatrist, it’s not a good look.
Asperger’s explains so much. I dated a man with Asperger’s. Your emotions just work differently than people without Aspergers.
With that said, I would say that most of the advice you have received is probably not relevant to you. This guy may find you as a challenge or he may have feelings. None of us know. He may be playing and dump you once he gets you he may not. Again, we don’t know. But for now sounds like things are working fine for the two of you.
I would suggest that you wait until later in the years to see if you two are still hanging out before you make plans to go away. Especially since you want to keep it casual. Tickets can always be bought, but are difficult to unbuy.
I have no time to read all this and stayed away from it because I thought the initial question was a ‘red herring’ and there would be no answer that would satisfy your quest. Reminded me of “Mike” where even Eric couldn’t evcen break though that one and yet this post has gone on as long as his has lol.
I have one question—if this is just casual/short-term why do you ruminate/obsess over someone that you CLAIM to not have feelings for and don’t want them reciprocated? Try being honest with yourself for once—you fell in love with him and scared he won’t love you back. Only HE can answer that BTW, none of us know his mind, nor do you its obvious y
That was weird it double posted without submitting?
meant to say ” Only HE can answer that BTW, none of us know his mind, his feelings, or his intentions…that’s something your going to have to ask him in order to find your truth.
The ruminating and obsessing is a normal tendency for Aspberger’s.
Ah I see! So you do have aspergers. Well now I understand totally why this thread has gone the way it has and understand more about how you might be thinking and how you’re interpreting things with him…. or rather struggling to.
I would say in regards to him buying tickets and going away later in the year that it’s unusual for any relationship of any arrangement that’s has been going for a short time like this one to make plans like this so far in advance.
If you still want to keep this casual- and I suspect it works well for you with your current arrangement as you don’t have to struggle with attachment fro me the other person in the way that might prove difficult in a committed relationship- making an arrangement six months in advance isn’t the way to go. See how things are nearer the time.
My being or not being neuro-typical was not at all important to either my original question or my update. The reasons behind my emotional detachment don’t matter, only the fact that I happen to BE emotionally detached matters in this specific instance.
Once it was relevant to the conversation, as in when people started commenting that I did in fact seem to have something “off” about me emotionally, I was happy to share. It’s not a secret, it’s just that the reasons behind something aren’t often as important as the fact that the “something” is simply the case.
Also, I have to say that it truly isn’t any skin off my nose if you choose not to believe that I have Aspergers. You’re more than welcome to spend your time commenting on posts by people who don’t trigger negative emotional reactions in you.
I promise it won’t bother me any if you find someone else to focus on from here onward.
The reason they’re so far in advance is because his “disposable income” is currently being sunken into the remodel of his house, which he’s projected to have finished in that time frame. If his money wasn’t tied up with his house, he’d want to go right away. I agree that making plans so far in advance with someone who I barely know is really out of the ordinary and that’s why I have so many reservations about it even though I agreed on impulse.
We met up yesterday for dinner and he asked if I was “really down.” I told him that it was really sudden and that I was having second thoughts because “Who’s to say that we’ll still like each other in 5 or 6 months?”
He did the “I’ve never enjoyed someone’s company so much, I’m confident that things are just going to get better, etc.” thing. I asked him how long he thought this thing we’re doing was going to last and how he predicted it would end.
He said that he thought in 5 or 6 years, we’re probably just going to realize that we were meant for each other all along, get together, and then immediately burn each others lives to the ground.
He told me if it’d make me feel more comfortable, he’ll buy tickets and book lodgings up front and I can pay him for my half after we get back. He wants to book sooner rather than later because New York gets expensive to vacation in the closer it gets to the holiday season.
I’ll definitely have to think it over, I certainly don’t want to lead him on and I don’t want to inadvertently deepen things between us sooner than I’ll be comfortable with. It seems like that might just be a natural consequence of spending an extended period of time together on a romantic vacation- it would probably be more than just an impulsive, fun thing (which is our general MO) and more of a planned mode of getting closer.
Thanks for your input, I think you’re probably completely right.
Sounds like you are doing your best to connect with people and I imagine your medications help with some of that.
As a mature, successful woman with no time one but two sources of income, perhaps you can hold off and pay for your own airfare as the date gets clser and you decide if this ‘relationship’ is going anywhere, he can’t book hotel. No skin lost in that if he has to cancel because hotels won’t charge you unless you fail to give 24 hour cancel notice. And as far as his airfare, that’s up to him I feel he wants to book so far in advance.
You make this way too Complicated.
Here’s what I read.
1, you aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend but enjoy your time together
2. You are successful at a young age and don’t need a man to pay your way on a future trip where’s the status of how you feel about him is mixed
I don’t see any real dilemma here except the one you created in your own mind.
Keep seeing him, if that makes you happy. Don’t look toward a future and live in the present. A plane ticket is a no Braine right and I feel he isn’t bf or husband then just take the high road and pay for yourself.
I don’t see a problem or issue in any of these 7 pages.