This topic contains 122 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by 2 years, 8 months ago.
June 14, 2018 at 5:37 pm #707691
Definitely see where you’re coming from, here. I see why that makes little sense from an outside perspective looking in.
I think that the idea that he may or may not believe that I NEED the extra stuff on top of just fun companionship and good sex is kind of bruising to my ego? Maybe like he’s treating me like one of “those” girls who need to at least pretend that the other party is wooing them for feelings-related reasons instead of just sex-and-companionship related reasons? I know that’s probably really silly.
I’d told him that if he felt like he had anything to complain about vis-a-vis women he dates or sleeps with catching feelings for him he’d be able to nip that in the bud without lifting a finger if he just stopped bending over backward to be sweet and adorable.
He said that he very rarely pulls out all the stops- that the dynamic between him and the last person he was sleeping with was very much just a texting to make plans to hookup, doing the deed, and going their separate ways. He said he didn’t like her or respect her at all, so they didn’t even cuddle or anything.
He said that the girl he was in an actual relationship with prior to that lived with him because her previous living situation was terrible and he wanted to help out. He told me that he’d bought her a car and didn’t charge her rent, but he said she took advantage and he told her she needed to leave after a few months. He said that he felt obligated to help her but that they never really had a lot of chemistry.
He also briefly talked about his relationship with the woman he dated prior and it was a really similar situation, where he was a pushover and got taken advantage of because he was just “trying to be a good guy.”
And of course he pulled out the:
“I’ve never had this much chemistry with anyone, I’m amazed at how much I like you already, I’ve never liked anyone this much this soon, I usually hate cuddling but I just want to be close to you because I actually really like you, I don’t want to like you at all but I can’t help it. You always make me so happy and I can’t ever stop smiling when I think about you or read over your texts.”
Which he reiterates ALL the time. He goes out of his way to act like I’m some mystical unicorn that he can’t believe he’s discovered and that he likes me soooooooo much and that I’m so much better than everyone else he’s ever even talked to, let alone dated or slept with.
It’s just so unnecessary. I don’t need to hear about how surprised and amazed he is that he treats me better than everyone he’s ever dated and how I beat them at all the things because I’m Best Girl.
I’m not saying that I necessarily think he’s for sure lying through his teeth, but I take everything he says in that regard with a grain of salt because I barely know him from a hole in the wall. I know he likes my sense of humor and that he thinks I’m attractive, I know he likes talking to me all day, but I have no reason to think that he’s as into me as he says/acts like he is.
The idea that he might say all this to everyone he sees to try and make them feel SOOPER SPECIAL and that he thinks I need BS in order to stick around really rubs me the wrong way, because I’m really happy that I’m not that desperate and thirsty for external validation. I know I’m worthy of being loved and treasured, and I guess a huge part of me wants to tell him that if he doesn’t actually feel that way he doesn’t have to pretend he does?
Again, maybe it’s a really silly thing to be hung up on, I just don’t like the idea of having smoke blown up my ass. The cute/sweet/adorable ACTIONS are fine, it’s the WORDS that I’m having trouble letting slide.
I hope that makes more sense?June 14, 2018 at 5:38 pm #707693
Serena, you are both 25, you are both enjoying each others weird characters and both are ticked by playing with fire, aka your emotions.
He likes you for sure, but he is also playing a little chase game, trying to “get” you, i.e. make you fall for him, it is so natural for young men, it is their ego talking and I don’t see anything criminal here. There is always a mix of things in everything.
Many women here warned you about the usual scenario when a woman THINKS she won’t fall for a guy when they are just being FWN but then they do, and in the end, the woman gets badly hurt. Try to take this seriously and try to protect yourself from being hurt.
With your question, I too find it “made up” because if it were really your question, you would not need a bunch of people to give you the obvious answer – of course enjoy whatever is there but try not to get hurt. But you are so excited by this story, you are trying to keep it within some boundaries of a made-up question. And I can understand that too. You ARE excited! So sweetheart stop playing coy. We are all older and a little more experienced to see through this. LOL
Now to the real question that you have LOL I am going to play Sherlock here. How do you make him fall for you? Simple Watson. Here is a guy with a big ego and used to get women to fall for him. Then DON’t do that. Do not talk to him about anything!! This will show him that you are being irked, and that’s the start. To make him chase you more, and in the process of chasing you, fall for you, you need to ignore his advances. LOL
Good luck young lady, I hope you won’t get hurt. LOL
NowJune 14, 2018 at 5:52 pm #707697
[Posts from this banned individual removed]June 14, 2018 at 6:16 pm #707702
‘ a woman of confidence who only wants casual doesn’t have to say a word or have these discussions. She makes it evident by actions.’
This is true I’m afraid… this is a lot of energy to expel OP. You are massively over thinking, and it only smacks of one thing. You want to know if he’s for real and sees you as the special one you’re hoping, yet are very afraid you aren’t.
The time and detail… it’s too much. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much…
I think you might get hurt here. Please be careful.June 14, 2018 at 7:37 pm #707723
Oh I’ve seen this episode of gossip girlJune 14, 2018 at 8:41 pm #707732
If he’s treating you great, and you feel empowered and up lifted and understood, then stop thinking and just be respectful and enjoy.
When you get to the point that something about the relationship is no longer a blessing, then rethink.June 14, 2018 at 9:37 pm #707745
I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong either! I’m very much enjoying myself and am definitely super excited to have
met someone who is so similar to me and who I can have fun adventures with. Like I’ve said, I have had a couple of FWB relationships
before and they ran their course without anyone getting their feelings hurt. I just got out of a loving, fulfilling relationship and am
still very much in love with that person and do hope that in a couple years we can pick up where we left off.
I’m dealing with being heartbroken right now, and it’s definitely not something I can’t handle or haven’t dealt with before, if I
do somehow end up falling head over heels for someone who has explicitly stated that they don’t have it in them to feel deep emotions
for anyone and never have, I think I’ll come out okay in the end.
As to your advice, I did halfway take it. He messaged me while he was at work today, hitting me with the “I just can’t believe you’re real”
thing. I said that I’m going to be enjoying our dynamic until he returns to the unicorn ether from whence he came.
He asked why I referred to him as a unicorn and I said that I haven’t ever met anyone who shared my particular brand of weird before, one who
I’m attracted to and who I enjoy talking to on a regular basis without getting bored or annoyed. I said that it was so awesome that we’re
on the same page and that his just wanting to have fun paired with also being particularly skilled at all the adorable/sweet stuff is a rare combination.
Then, I stressed that it’s REALLY cool that I don’t have to worry about him wanting anything more from me than great experiences, so it
makes it easy to just relax and enjoy it for what it is, and not having to worry about any ulterior motives.
So then he waited a few hours and then sent like 4 paragraphs about how we’re 100% on the same page, how he’s able to play this part in a way that
most guys probably couldn’t. He said that he knows exactly where I’m coming from and that I’ve been really upfront, so he knows not to try
and sway me and see where he stands compared to other people. He said it’s his job to fit into my life with as little friction as possible, and
ended with “I’m serious, my one goal is to make you happy. When I stop doing that is when it’s time to move on with my unicorn horn.”
So I really do feel like most people’s advice was really helpful! I just used a lot of positive reinforcement instead of what I was initially tempted to do.
So thank you and everyone else VERY much! I’m really happy about how this has turned out. If he does end up breaking my heart, I’ll make sure to run back here with my tail between my
legs and let everyone have a great big “I told you so” moment :)June 15, 2018 at 12:40 am #707758
I have said “I’m not in any danger of catching feelings” and “I’m not looking for anything serious” so many times on this thread that reiterating it is completely pointless. Everyone is completely dedicated to that storyline, and I’m not interested in defending my lack of feelings for a person I barely know and have slept with ONE TIME and who I’ve already told I want nothing but fun from to a bunch of complete strangers.
Instead, I’m saying that if by some chance I DO get hurt (which I don’t think I will,) it won’t be the worst thing in the world, and that I’m not worried about it.
You can believe whatever your little heart desires, but 4 pages of correcting people who are completely married to the idea of me being madly in love with this guy when his feelings for me (or lack thereof) were not even the point of my original post have got me pretty bored of clarifying.
It’s been resolved. I told him I enjoy the dynamic for what it is and reinforced that I want things to stay exactly how they are. He told me that he completely respects where I’m at and he’s only here to fit into my life with as little friction as possible and to make me happy because I’ve been upfront with what I want. He sent me 4 paragraphs agreeing with everything I told him I wanted, so I have zero issues.
You and @Umm insisting on gleefully predicting that he’s NEVERRRRR going to make me his girlfriend and that he’s only going to “use” me for a fun time and sex is bringing to mind a small child spitefully informing me that Santa isn’t going to be bringing me presents this year.
It’s ridiculous, and a complete non sequitur, but in an almost endearing way.
I hope whatever’s got the two of you feeling the need to project such ugliness gets resolved soon. Best of luck :)June 15, 2018 at 7:43 am #707798
Yeah I don’t get the need to be so over the top dude with your opinions on here. The op isn’t mean at all and some of y’all are very rude and unnecessarily insulting for no reason. I think some of y’all need to take a break from this forum and get happy or something because it’s coming off rude. Not saying that your opinions aren’t spot on but there’s a better tactic in conveying your opinions without being so ugly with them.June 15, 2018 at 11:13 am #707856
I read through this whole thread, and I think the confusion is arising because people don’t understand what your problem actually is. You insist that you enjoy things how they are, then you keep saying your question is whether you need to talk to him about behaving the way he’s behaving and wondering why he’s doing it.
You said yourself, there are no strings. Then what does it matter how anybody behaves? If both of you understand that regardless of behavior, things are intended not to last, what does it matter what he does? Unless, of course, it’s making you uncomfortable (and frankly, a lot of it would make me uncomfortable, I also get the hokey-fakey-kinda creepy-weirdo vibe from your descriptions of his behavior, but to each their own).
I believe you when you say you aren’t afraid of or intending on catching feelings. I think what you aren’t able to articulate is that his behavior, while you don’t necessarily dislike it, is not 100% what you want in a more casual FWB situation, that maybe you are used to or would prefer him backing off a little bit. Even in a serious relationship, the amount of communication you guys have would feel a bit stifling to me, I don’t even talk to my best friends THAT much. I think what you are feeling but haven’t been able to say is that it all IS a little much more than you necessarily anticipated for an FWB situation, and it’s coming off a bit uncomfortable. Not that you don’t LIKE it, it’s not what you expected or have experienced in the past, and it’s weird.
It’s going to be hard for people to address that because the overall worldview on this particular forum tends to be more black and white and without much nuance. So when you try to say you feel weird about the intensity level from one party in a situation you didn’t expect (or maybe even want) to be that intense, even if it all is meaningless, the assumption is that the REAL reason is because you have feelings, even if that’s not true.
If you need to tell him anything it’s that he needs to back off a bit and let you breathe. He’s not in any danger of losing the FWB situation by chillng the eff out a bit. You enjoy him and his personality, the time you spend together, and even his antics, but it is a little TOO MUCH. You CAN tell him that and be honest. If I’m reading between the lines correctly, I think THAT is the crux of your issue. I get a distinct sense of discomfort.
Basically, you love ice cream but having it for every meal gets exhausting and a little gross. But choosing not to eat it for every meal doesn’t mean you dislike it. All things in moderation, including this dude.June 15, 2018 at 12:25 pm #707868
Oh my! What a frenzy all round this thread has turned out to be! Maybe we should all leave it there ladies- I thinks this post has more answers than the others currently active altogether!
As I said earlier, Be careful with you heart OP…June 15, 2018 at 1:38 pm #707891
Pretty sure the title of this thread should have been “If I want No Strings, Why Am I going on a Dating Forum writing Novel Length Posts trying to convince Me and Everyone Else that He’s Falling for me?”June 17, 2018 at 1:32 pm #708208
When we went out on Friday, I introduced him to two of my closest friends after we went to a BBQ with his friends. While I was in the pool, he and my married friend were joking about the bruises that I had on my thighs and arms, saying that we needed a “safe word.” I’m currently training in BJJ, so I’m always covered in bruises after sparring.
As luck would have it, we’d joked about safe words earlier that day before we left his house, and we ultimately decided on “feelings.” He told my friend this, and my friend laughed and said “oh but she definitely likes you, it’s pretty obvious,”
And he went “That’s not what she told me!” Then he loudly whispered “I definitely like her too, don’t tell her though.” And winked at me. I yelled “Gross!” from the pool and later when we were snuggled up on the couch I kissed him and told him I liked him too. He said “that’s f***ing gross,” and squeezed me really tight.
I spent the night at his place and he woke up a few hours before the alarm went off so that he could make me breakfast. He sang little songs to himself while he cooked and insisted on “helping” while I was trying to get ready for work. He tried brushing my teeth and tried brushing my hair so that I could “multitask” and get out of the house earlier. I couldn’t stop laughing. I kept saying “What the hell are you doing?” but I didn’t tell him to stop.
When I did end up leaving, I tried to just give him a hug goodbye, but he insisted on carrying my stuff out to my car for me. Once he got to my car, he said “you need to bring this around on your next day off so I can wash it for you,” and then opened my door for me. He leaned in and kissed me goodbye, then he called me on my way to work apologizing for making me late. He talked with me the whole hour drive to work.
Later he texted me said that he had no idea why he was so full of energy even though we’d had no sleep, that he just loves waking up next to me. I said:
“That’s because you’ve got a big’ ol crush on me,” Which he vehemently denied, saying “I hate you, what are you talking about?”. He said that it was obviously me that had the biggest crush and that I was hiding deeper feels behind a cool-as-a-cucumber mask. I told him that he was just indulging in wishful thinking and that I’d rather chew off my own foot than be with him. We had a teasing back and forth where we were insulting each other for about an hour before he said that he’d honestly “probably be with” me if I was available but that he’s fine with how things are. I said that I’d probably be okay seriously dating him if I was available too, but that how things are works perfect for right now.
So, I like that a mutual crush doesn’t have to mean anything deeper, I like that he treats me so special and that we’re just enjoying each other in the moment. Both of the friends that I introduced him to yesterday were gushing about how much they really like him, and he was bragging about how he’s won over everyone that I’ve introduced him to. I told him that they only like him because he’s a complete sociopath and that they’d all run for the hills if they knew what a monster he was under the surface.
I’m really loving this for right now- Thank you so much to everyone who gave such good advice and who were warning me not to get too far into my feelings. I totally have a crush on him but I know not to let it go too far :)
I really appreciate you guysJune 17, 2018 at 10:35 pm #708283
[Posts from this banned individual removed]June 17, 2018 at 11:56 pm #708287
They’re both young, 25 years old with many years ahead to become serious adults. They are both OTT. So what?? Maybe not how I’d behave and maybe not the guy I’d want to spend time but it’s not my life, it’s hers and she has a right to live how she wants to live. She’s been warned about the dangers with this guy. She gets it or she will learn. We have no right to judge her.June 18, 2018 at 12:02 am #708288
Serena- I have been following your thread and I do believe you that you feel that you are unavailable for more.
I will say though…do you think you will still be ok w the situation if he shifts his bevahior and starts acting like an actual fwb? Worried that the only reason you’re ok is that it’s because he is essentially acting like a bf.
You sound very level and thoughtful so I know you’ll figure it out and be ok. I guess just enjoy this for what it is! Nothing sounds bad, but do protect your heart!June 18, 2018 at 1:07 am #708292
… You’re out & about on singles nite… You see ‘Prince Charming’ sthicking with another girl… ??June 18, 2018 at 1:31 am #708295
The OP didn’t ask any of you for your opinion on the quality of her relationship or the interactions she has with her guy. She asked a simple question about why the guy may be acting a certain way while saying she believes his actions may be contrary to his words. Have any of you “core members” ever uttered a kind word in anyone’s direction? Let the girl live. She’s having fun. YOU don’t have to date the guy so it doesn’t matter what you think about his humor. No one asked you, actually. Answer her question or don’t. Judge not lest ye be judged. OP is a 20 something having fun with a new boy. Get off her case.July 10, 2018 at 4:46 pm #712320
I figured I’d just continue on this post for my question instead of doing a whole new one.
Things are going very well between the two of us and we’ve been more or less on the same page. We’ve spent his birthday and the 4th of July together and have both expressed that we’d “date the hell out of each other” if I was available.
Right now, we’re seeing each other around twice a week, sometimes more. We’re also both going on dates with others, but once we decided to “ditch” our dates after a couple of hours to go hang out with each other instead.
His ex had come over (they’d continued to hook up after he broke up with her, ) and found some of my things tucked away and had a huge blowup as she hadn’t realized that he was seeing other people.
He told me that he was very open to dating just me if I was amenable, but I told him that for now I just enjoy how things are. He flat out asked to be together exclusively about a week ago and I said that I’d need some time to think about it.
This definitely didn’t seem to bother him any, and we’ve continued as normal since.
The reason for the update is that late last night, he asked me to agree to go on vacation with him for the holiday season. He said that he’d pay for the tickets and accommodations up front and that I could just pay him back here and there as it got closer to December.
I agreed and started looking at places right away. My best friend lives in the city that he suggested, and he said that was the main reason he’d chosen that city, because “I have to meet her at some point, right?”
Even though I’m ridiculously excited and feeling all warm and fuzzy at the idea of having an entire week together on vacation together, I’m having some anxiety that this might mean a step forward that will be hard to walk back if things start to get serious. He wants to book things right away even though it’s several months from now, and I’m just not sure it’s completely wise to agree to a vacation in this specific situation.
Any input would be much appreciatedJuly 10, 2018 at 5:06 pm #712325
You’re feeling ridiculously excited and all warm and fuzzy that he’s wanting to book a holiday vacation together while not bothered in the slightest he’s still sleeping with his ex? Think I missed this episode of the Twilight Zone.July 10, 2018 at 5:37 pm #712332
You don’t let a man pay for an expensive vacation 5 months down the road unless you know you want to get serious with him. I frankly think that is just plain wrong and stupid.
If you want to take a quick getaway trip with him, a month or so out, and you contribute to the cost, ok. Otherwise you are totally misleading him and also how do you know things will be solid in December?July 10, 2018 at 5:44 pm #712334
There is a lot going on here that makes no sense.
You two are dating others, have expressed you would date each other but can’t.
He is still seeing and sleeping with his ex but, now has this big plan to take you on vacation for the holidays?
Before you agree to go I think you two need to sit down and make things crystal clear.
Are you going to take things to the next level or not?
If, not I would not go on a vacation with a man I’m causally seeing. A guy who is casual doesn’t get that kind of time from me.
You are ditching dates for someone who is showing you in his actions that he isn’t crazy about you.
Now a days people date for all kinds of purposes and one of them is companionship. They don’t want anything serious from you but, enjoy spending time with you. This whole situation sounds like that. He is still searching for that woman who is it for him while having fun with others.
Get some clarity and please be wise about guarding your heart.July 10, 2018 at 5:52 pm #712335
Well he’s certainly not sleeping with her anymore, but he’s free to do whatever he likes with whomever. We’re not exclusive and we’re both seeing others at the moment. What he does when we’re not together is none of my business and he’s the one who is asking for exclusivity, not me.July 10, 2018 at 5:57 pm #712336
What advice are you looking for?July 10, 2018 at 8:17 pm #712349
Serena, you’re taking a HUGE risk here and you’re seriously playing with fire.
You know damn well what his history with women is – he’s not a good bet for a lasting long term relationship. The fact that you told him you’d have to think about exclusivity is very worrying, because last month you were assuring us you didn’t want anything serious with him because you want someone else back and this was just for fun. If that were really true you would have told him flat out you are just liking casual with him. And now you’re spending a couple of nights a week with him and ditching others to be with him. A slippery slope and you are going down it.
He’s chasing you hard and trying to get you because you are unavailable and you’re a challenge to him. I’m willing to bet money that as soon as he gets you to agree to exclusivity, he will lose interest and fade away or ghost at some point not all that long after.
Unless you decide you want to be serious with him and see where this goes and take the risk, do not agree to this holiday. It’s too far away, a lot can happen between now and December. And letting him pay is a bad idea.
What do YOU really want? Be honest with yourself. If this guy is just for fun for you, keep it that way and keep your distance. I think it strokes your ego that he is trying to get you exclusively and he’s counting on that. That’s his MO.
This is the guy who said, I could fall in love with you… JUST KIDDING. Remember that.
Now I could be wrong, maybe he’s changed and he’s really into you. It’s possible. But only you know him and only you can decide if you want to take the gamble on him. Just know that it may not work out and you’ll be yet another broken heart on the road behind him.