If He Wants No Strings, Why's He Trying To Get Me To Fall For Him?!


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice If He Wants No Strings, Why's He Trying To Get Me To Fall For Him?!

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  • #707589 Reply

    Serena

    Newbie & Lil,

    I really do appreciate your responses and that you actually answered my question, thanks for that!

    Lil,

    Okay, I won’t say anything. I’ll just enjoy the ride while it lasts and let him be himself. It’s a lot of fun for now, and if I do get sick of it or if it gets too weird, I’ll just wish him the best and move on.

    #707590 Reply

    Pop

    Is this a Netflix original series? Sound like characters from something I might have seen on Netflix

    #707591 Reply

    T from NY

    I agree some of the advice has been pretty shaming. I also agree a lot of the advice has been pretty on point. Many men (even some women) take much more satisfaction in getting someone to fall in love with them — then actually being in the loving relationship itself. The REAL growing and learning of each other and developing intimacy never happens because they will almost immediately lose interest once the honeymoon stage ends or even earlier — once you fall for them and begin to have REAL expectations of commitment.

    Additionally. What many women will learn through the dating process, especially when looking for casual, is that a lot of men (at all ages) do not have their identities developed or they are narcissists. So when you tell them you’re only looking for fun — they actually feel threatened by that — because they don’t feel good enough at their core or feel they are better than everyone — so yes, will work very hard to get you to fall for them. It’s pathetic and sad. But most men don’t do casual any better then women. The girls catch feelings. And the dudes don’t know how to treat hook ups respectfully.

    I also agree that you are questioning what all his behavior can “mean”. because you are obviously feeling ‘something’. Live by this — Trust a mans words when he tells you what he tells you. Actions mean NOTHING, no matter how loving, if the words don’t match. And even when they do match — give it 90 days. This man will not make you happy in the long run.

    #707593 Reply

    Serena

    @Umm,

    That’s not the courting behavior I was referring to. That’s the stuff that I think is fun and ridiculous.

    The “courting” behaviors that I talked about were, just to name a few:

    Messaging me all day, calling me every day, texting me good morning and good night, holding my hand, waxing poetic about how “amazing” and “beautiful” he thinks I am, taking me out to really nice restaurants and insisting on paying for everything, being really verbally and physically affectionate in front of my friends, asking me all about my day, telling me how much he likes me and how amazed he is at our chemistry and how happy I make him, that he can’t stop smiling when he’s with me etc.

    I could go on and on, but these are all things that people who wanted to be my boyfriend have done. These things have never happened in my FWB situations before. It seems so unnecessary considering that I’d be happy to sleep with him regardless because he’s a lot of fun and is really attractive in my opinion.

    #707594 Reply

    Pop

    I don’t really get how you’re so confused about his behaviors if you think you know what you want and also you two established that you’re fwb.
    He is JUST having fun just as you are. Part of the fun for him is to be over the top and cute and behave like a boyfriend without having to commit in a real way. It’s all fun and games for him.

    #707595 Reply

    Serena

    T from NY,

    See, his behavior would make a lot of sense if it were just an ego thing!
    I do have this very strong suspicion that he at least subconsciously feels like it’s a challenge, since I told him flat out I’m dating other people right now and am not looking for anything serious.

    From what he’s told me, he’s used to women catching feelings, and his girlfriends and hookups have all wanted way more, and he’s accustomed to being the one with the emotional advantage. I’ll bet it strokes his ego in a way that he enjoys and that he’s attempting to recreate that pattern here, going above and beyond because the usual stuff isn’t going to work.

    #707597 Reply

    lil

    you shouldnt have to pount this out serena, I knew what you were refering too. I think people are just freaking out over behaviour that they find odd and are not reading your post properly.

    I supose my only concern is if his lack of impulse control ever scares you just a fraction end it.

    #707598 Reply

    Newbie

    I think T is spot on. Its also a pretty common scenario for a guy that has commitment issues. Like the thread ‘should i ghost him’, the exact same type of guy but dutchess believed all the lovey dovey stuff.

    #707602 Reply

    anon

    He wants the girlfriend experience…
    He will treat you like this until he hits a certain point with intimacy/connection, then he will bail or dial back. Not every guy looking for a FWB is just looking to have sex. Guys can enjoy romance too.

    It’s all very superficial; we connect on different levels with people. At one point, you’ll begin connecting on a level that is deeper (or you won’t) and that is when things move forward or die.

    #707605 Reply

    Annie

    Well I don’t believe it when he says all the women he has dated have fallen for him too intensely.

    How many women, not girls, would even want to be seen with this clown? And you stated, quote, he doesn’t care about anyone or anything…. What??

    I think he has delusions of grandeur, claiming the other women were so in love with him. Bullcrap.

    Can you imagine introducing him to parents or a group of friends? How embarrassing.

    #707611 Reply

    Annie

    Obviously, he wants the ego trip of you thinking he is fabulous.

    #707622 Reply

    Ali

    Sorry if you felt judged. I will maintain that someone you have to ask to take an “are you a sociopath or psychopath” quiz is not a good idea to spend time with. You seem to think those conditions are funny. They are not. They lead to violence and cruelty in almost all cases.

    #707623 Reply

    Selena

    Are people really so intent on believing that I’ve fallen for someone I’ve been on only a handful of dates with, and with whom I haven’t forged an emotional connection?

    Why is that such a satisfying line of logic for some of the people on here? I just met him in person less than a month ago and have slept with him one night.

    It’s really, really strange that so many people on this thread are absolutely dedicated to the idea that grown women will generally lose their hearts over people they barely know.

    I know that it happens *sometimes* but most women aren’t that thirsty for love, in my opinion. It took me a few months to even start to fall for the guy with whom I had my last relationship, and he was damn near perfect.

    I’d still be with him today if he wasn’t living in a different country for the next two years. We might even get back together when he’s returned home, and to be honest, that’s what I’d ultimately want.

    #707624 Reply

    Selena

    Annie-

    That night, I introduced him to maybe 6 friends at a birthday party and 3 other friends at a club. Everyone seemed to really like him and think he was great. I’m not embarrassed to be around him at all- I also indicated early on that he and I share the same sense of humor, right?

    Why would I be embarrassed if I LIKE what he does? And if I’m the sort of person who finds that stuff fun, it stands to reason that my friends would also think he was hilarious and fun too, since they clearly get along well with me.

    Our antics even won us free dessert at a fancy shmancy restaurant, people generally tend to like us. We’re fun ~

    Also tomorrow I’m meeting some of his friends for the first time at a BBQ and then we’re going to play nerdy board games with another group of mine.

    Sounds like he’s not your cup of tea, but it seems like you and I would both think the same about one another. Isn’t it awesome that everyone enjoys different things? The world would be pretty boring otherwise.

    #707625 Reply

    Jenny

    Serena or Selena: to answer your questions above…

    If you’ve been reading on this site at all regularly even for a few weeks you will see how common your situation is. Girl comes on here, thinking her FWB is catching feelings because she’s interpreting his behavior as BF. In almost all cases, it’s because she wants more and just doesn’t want to admit it. Most women don’t come here to hear the truth, they come to get their POV validated, even if it’s erroneous and clearly going to cause them pain because they are applying girl’s rules to a boy.

    So if you are not that case, then fine, carry on. I wouldn’t say anything to him since you’ve got him sussed out and your own emotions in check, I don’t know why you think you should. If you are OK with and amused by his OTT behavior, then fine. It’s your life.

    You’ve demonstrated as a lot of women do as a thread depends that you really know what’s going on with him and with yourself and you have the answers already. It’s OK to stop posting here to defend yourself to a bunch of strangers if you are happy with your choices. This is a public forum and you’re going to get all sorts of comments and POVs.

    #707626 Reply

    Why

    [Posts from this banned person removed]

    #707629 Reply

    Jenny

    I meant, as a thread develops, not depends.

    Why, you hit the nail on the head. Long posts explaining every little detail, making a case for why he’s acting like a BF, just don’t wash if you’re totally cool with an FWB sitch. And that’s the reason for my comment about too much protest.

    I also think he’s lying about the last girl. And guys who talk smack about the last one will for sure talk smack about you when you’re gone. But the OP is young and probably doesn’t get that. Bottom line – her life, if this is fun for her, then WTH keep going.

    #707632 Reply

    Jenny

    Whoever said he wants the GF experience was absolutely right. That’s the sole reason why he’s behaving like a BF. But he doesn’t want a real GF and he definitely doesn’t want commitment or true heart connection, and his past relationship history backs that up. Which at 25 is perfectly normal.

    #707634 Reply

    Peggy

    Jenny nailed this-once again,if Serena is so happy and likes his over the top antics,she would have zero need to post/ask question. The only reason she has to “talk to him about it” would be to see if his wild expressions are just for as she may hope-that is why she wants to tell him he does not need to do that to impress her. What Serena hopeshe would say to that is “I want to,because you are the best womn ever and I finally could really know what love is,with you”.
    I may be way off,but that is my take-otherwise she would have no reason to post as she” loves everything as is!”

    #707645 Reply

    kaye

    Serena/Selena if you read the posts on here for any amount of time you will find women who have dated a guy…once, twice, three times and slept with him and are now pulling their hair out with anxiety because he’s gone cold, ghosted, lost interest, etc and so forth. They create threads about these men they barely know wanting to know what they did wrong, was it sleeping with him too soon, were they needy, were they acting like a girlfriend, oh why oh why isn’t he texting, calling, wanting to see me. So yes the fact you haven’t fallen for a guy you’ve been on a handful of dates with and slept with once is quite an anomaly around here!!

    While I’m of the thought you can’t have forged an emotional connection with a man you’ve met a handful of times and it defies any reason or logic, it happens on here every single day. It’s quite sad but here are women on here that thirsty and desperate for love.

    Now I see that you are still in love with another guy but he is out of the country for the next 2 years so that is why you aren’t falling for Mr. Psycho. YET. What defies logic to me about your post is the fact you want to confront this guy about his actions and somehow tell him he doesn’t need to make so much effort, you’d sleep with him anyway. Why wouldn’t you assume this is just how the guy is? I mean with his other crazy antics why is it so hard to see he likes to love bomb women? It’s just his personality. You AREN”T sitting here trying to figure out how to get him to stop putting you in stranger’s trunks, dragging you into dark alleys or racing you in shopping carts so why do you want to change something else about him? Therefore your post makes no sense unless either you’re falling for him or he’s falling for you. Which is why so many of us are struggling with it. You go into way too much detail about every single aspect of your dates and feign worry that he’s trying to get you to fall for him. Why does that even matter when you aren’t?

    Such ridiculous comments as “I’m just confused about his insistence on being adorable and sweet and all that when it isn’t necessary.” I mean my goodness…who wants a guy to act adorable and sweet when you’re going to sleep with his anyway? Do you not see how bizarre that sounds? It would be like you sitting here saying, why did that waitress give us a free dessert at a high brow restaurant, when she knew we were going to tip her anyway?

    Or this gem: “should I tell him he’s being unnecessarily boyfriendy and that I’m enjoying his company and sleeping with him already without this extra affectionate, courting stuff–even though I like it?” I mean please tell the guy even though you like it to stop with the extra affectionate BS because he doesn’t need it to get into your pants. It would be like you going to get ice cream and them saying oh we’re giving out 2 scoops, sprinkles, hot fudge and an extra cookie for free today with one scoop purchase and you saying, no I’m happy just to pay for my one scoop don’t give me anything extra. It makes no sense and you can beat your head against the wall trying to explain it to us and it still won’t make any sense.

    #707648 Reply

    Jenny

    Maybe she really is one of the rare ones who isn’t secretly hoping for more. It’s possible.

    She wants something validated, that’s for sure. People don’t come on a dating site and post long descriptions of what’s going on in their FWB and ask if they should tell him to back off when they claim to have had the talk repeatedly of this is only FWB and both know for a fact it is only FWB and then turn around in the next breath and defend, defend, defend. They either laugh and ignore the behavior and keep enjoying themselves or they become less available to the FWB.

    When you KNOW what you’re doing, then there’s nothing to discuss. You make your decisions and get on with it. There’s uncertainty about something here.

    Anyway, best of luck @Serena or @Selena – have fun with him and walk when it’s no longer fun.

    #707649 Reply

    anon

    Validation= it’s fun when someone falls for you, it makes you feel good and strokes your ego whether or not you have feelings. It’s not as much fun if you find out it was a generic act.

    #707650 Reply

    Sherri

    I think @Serena’s confusion is in her definition of FWB and BF. She thinks he’s acting like a BF – in his mind, I guarantee he does not. He’s just having fun with her, because he feels free to, because right now he believes she’s not going to want anything else from him, until she does just like all the others before her and then he will cut her off. There is no problem or confusion over this in his mind, no doubt about it. She thinks FWB means just wham bam thank you ma’am sex and because he’s giving her more than that she thinks he’s confused. Really @Serena – he’s fine with all of this. He’s been to this rodeo before and he knows how to play it. You have nothing to worry about if your real concern is he’s falling for you. But it’s obvious there is something else going on with you or as the others have said, you wouldn’t be posting and posting so much.

    #707651 Reply

    Sherri

    In other words… if you said to him, I bet you say this to/do this with all the girls, the answer would be yes he does.

    I’m sorry, you aren’t anything special to him. Because I suspect that’s really what you want to know.

    #707672 Reply

    redcurleysue

    If you like his behavior and no one will get hurt just enjoy it.

    He likes to act like a BF even if he is not a BF. That is just his style…sit back and enjoy.

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