I think I've been ghosted, what should I do?


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This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  AngieBaby 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #853024 Reply

    Samantha

    So I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month. He works a week on and a week off so I dont get to see him much, but we text every day. Now, he is currently in the process of a big move this week, which I totally understand.
    Anyways, we made plans on Thursday for him to come over on monday. I even double checked on Sunday that he still wanted to come over, and he was all in. Now, I haven’t heard back from him since Sunday night, he blew off our plans, not a text, phone call or anything. I sent him a message on monday asking that he gives me a heads up if hes too busy to hang out and no response. I’m trying to be patient because I know he has a lot going on with the move, but I just kind of feel like something is wrong. Should I give him a couple of days to reach out? Should I reach out to make sure everything is okay? I’m really at a loss, I like this guy and I don’t know how to handle this.

    #853031 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Under no circumstances reach out, and lose his number. His standing you up means he is out of the running. Double for not apologizing when you reached out again. This is a grown man and you should check in with yourself with why you like him so much.

    #853033 Reply

    Elvira

    Hi Samantha
    Do not reach out again. We could come up with a million reasons as to why he hasn’t responded and they could all be reasonable or selfish. At this point you tried and reached out on the day of and he did not respond. If something did happen unfortunately he will reach out if and when he is able to if he even wants to. If nothing happened and he is just ignoring you then he is not a good guy. At this point there is nothing you can do and should assume that he is OK but is just not interested and is a coward for leaving you hanging on the day of your date. Also, I understand the thinking of “did something bad happen” because I am a worrier as well, but the fact is you don’t know this person well enough to be that invested. So take all negative thoughts because now you will become the mommy who is calling to find out if he is ok? And that is not what you should be doing at this point.

    #853054 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    What the others said. Don’t make excuses for this guy. He’s moving, so what? It doesn’t excuse standing you up and then ignoring your text when you followed up. That’s extremely rude. At this stage, in the early months of dating, he should be on his best behavior, trying to make a good impression on you. He just blew it. I strongly doubt he’s lying in a coma somewhere; the most likely scenario is that you are not a priority and he’s not trying that hard to impress you.

    #853058 Reply

    T from NY

    Kind tough love – stop be patient and stop your worrying! He is not a baby but a grown ass disrespectful man. Don’t you see a man in the beginning stages of courtship-getting to know each other is the BEST version he’s ever going to be! So do you wanna hang your hat on this dude?! There is no excuse, I repeat, no excuse for him going MIA barring a car crash, dire sudden illness or other calamity of that caliber. 99percent of the time it’s not that. He’s just a douche.

    I’m sorry someone was unkind, but also not sorry you’re seeing who he really is so quickly! It’s best to know these things as soon as possible. He’s shown you. Spend more time thinking about and learning about you – why you would have the reaction you are having. Love yourself more. Find your dignity and anger for a hot minute, then get on living and living your life.

    #853059 Reply

    T from NY

    **loving your life :)

    #853068 Reply

    Maddie

    Believe someone when they show you who they are. The rare times I’ve given someone another chance after an early incident of standing up, it didn’t take too long to discover I shouldn’t have bothered. After only a month, he’s showing you he’s a flake (if there hasn’t been a medical emergency, which there likely hasn’t). No need to make up excuses for him, as others have said. Personally, learning to stop making excuses for potential partners had some of the biggest impact in improving my dating life quality!

    Sometimes even if there is a medical emergency it doesn’t make a difference… I once unexpectedly didn’t hear from a guy for a few days after a couple dates that went really well and a few weeks of good conversation (I didn’t blow up his phone, I’d just texted once per normal and he took a longer while than usual to respond). It turned out to be because he was in the hospital becoming an uncle, but promptly told me he wasn’t interested anymore within the same message.

    #853079 Reply

    Andrea

    Years ago, I kept reaching out to a man who had disappeared on me. I got him to respond and we got into a relationship. Long story short, he ended up being a total jerk. I wasted my valuable time on him.

    What I learned from that experience is to appreciate when someone ghosts. You no longer have to question whether or not your “connection” was real or whether this is a good partner for you. He has literally shown you he is not trustworthy or worth you. It’s like the trash has taken itself out.

    My bet is that he was with another woman. When that situation goes belly up, he may reach out to you with some sob story. Don’t fall for it. You’ve already seen who he is.

    #853108 Reply

    Samantha Vegas

    Thank you for all of the kind responses. I’m embarrassed that I care so much, especially so early on.
    It may help if I give some background information.
    This guy (let’s call him R) was the son of one of my regular customers at work. I’ve known his dad about 3 years. Within the past year and a half, R started coming in more and more frequently with his father, and then eventually just on his own. He would seek me out and flirt a little bit and needless to say, I’ve had a longstanding crush on this guy. When he finally asked me out, I was ecstatic. On the first date, he took me out to dinner and then took me home to meet the rest of his family and his cat. I may have been a bit of a fool and allowed things to escalate too much on the 2nd and 3rd date.. but he was making all kinds of plans for the future and I felt like this was going somewhere. When we made plans to see each other on monday, it was his idea. He really wanted to meet my cats and my family, so of course I agreed. Then out of nowhere, he just stopped talking to me. I’m confused and hurt to be honest. I’ve decided to move on, but I know it’s going to drive me crazy for a while not knowing what went wrong.

    #853151 Reply

    tammy

    hey sam nothing went wrong. he was just never in at all. one thing you need to remember is that most men who go all out for you very fast burn out just as quickly. you just got caught in the fairy tale he was spinning and forgot that its just a tale. there is just no excuse for him to flake out on you this way. no excuse. unless he was in an emergency and could not use his phone which seems highly unlikely. your lucky. he has shown you his flaky side so soon. atleast you haven’t got too invested and wasted your time for this loser. just block his no and put him out of your mind. hey its really ok ya? no big deal. u just lost a loser.

    #853207 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    The only thing you did wrong was get caught up in the story this guy was spinning, like Tammy said. Don’t blame yourself or worry about what went wrong. This guy was a future faker– someone who accelerates the pace at an unhealthy rate to create a false feeling of closeness and intimacy. That never lasts. Like Tammy said, the harder they come on at the beginning, the quicker they burn out.

    Intellectually you know that after 2-3 dates you should not be meeting each others’ families and planning for the future. You’re just barely getting to know each other in the first few dates. But I know that you got caught up emotionally and fell for it. Then I assume you were intimate with him (from what you’re saying) and it sounds like he lost interest after that. But he was going to lose interest sooner or later, believe me. If not after 3 dates, then after 5, or 6.

    It generally takes several months of steady dating for a guy to know whether he wants to pursue a serious relationship with you. Before that time you should beware of guys who rush to promise you a future. A man who is emotionally healthy and wants a relationship keeps a healthy pace when dating. It’s not to say you have to wait months to be intimate with a guy, but generally it’s best not to rush into intimacy in the first couple of dates– wait until you and the guy have established a bond (there’s a very good article on this site about “when to sleep with a guy”– I recommend it).

    This sucks, but take it as a learning experience. Definitely forget this guy and move on. In the future, don’t rush things with a guy, and beware of guys that take things too quickly (the way you describe this guy did). It never ends well with that type.

    #853105 Reply

    Samantha Vegas

    Thank you for all of the kind responses. Believe me, I feel stupid for caring so much. It’s my fault for allowing things to escalate so much on the first couple of dates.. I just thought it was going somewhere more. I’ve known his father for a while, he’s been one of my regular customers for years and his son (the guy I was seeing) woukd often come in with him to see me. It was a long standing crush so I was ecstatic when he finally asked me our. On the first date, this guy took me home to meet the rest of his family, it just felt like it was going somewhere. He was making all of these plans for the future. He’s the one who wanted to come over in the first place, it was HIS idea because he really wanted to meet my cats and my mom and I’m just so confused as to why he decided to just ignore me out of the blue. I’ve decided to move on because I know it won’t help to obsess over it, but I still can’t help feeling s****y about the whole situation.

    #853279 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Women and men make the decision to commit on different time schedules. Generally speaking, a woman will make a decision and go all in within 30 days. Generally speaking, a man usually takes 2-4 months. He is enjoying you the whole time but when the little voice says inside his head this isn’t it, he will be gone. I agree with the statement the hotter they burn up front, the faster they go stone cold one day. If you’re getting love bombed and future talked, slow WAAAAAY down and just observe him and protect your heart and don’t get your body involved because you’ll product oxytocin and bond to him in a way that doesn’t serve your best interests.

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