I think I pressured him too much…now we are over.


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice I think I pressured him too much…now we are over.

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  • #388343 Reply
    Taylor

    I wanted to become official with this guy. We were seeing eachother for months. We weren’t seeing other people. So I wanted to be gf/bf. I brought it up to him. He would say he’s afraid to get hurt. We talked about it more. I told him, if that’s not what he wants, then I need to move on. He decided that’s what he wanted too but was very hesitant. I feel like I just pressured him. The two weeks we were official, I rarely saw him. Maybe once a week. He wouldn’t really make plans unless they were last minute. And a little bit before we were actual gf/bf I rarely saw him. I brought it up and he said he had been busy. I told him it sounded like he was too busy for a relationship. I ended it.

    I just wasn’t happy with the way things turned out. I’m really upset I was just pressuring him. I didn’t feel like he knew what he wanted. He’s about 30. He got married right after high school but for only a year because she cheated. He hasn’t been in a relationship in 5 years or something. He would say a lot that he wanted to take it slow. I feel like I was trying to move too fast but after 3/4 months of being together I expect commitment. I feel like I might have messed this up. I miss him.

    #388344 Reply
    Taylor

    The thing that makes this really hard for me is that I was falling in love. And he doesn’t seem to be bothered very much we are done.

    #388354 Reply
    JIllian

    Its been 5 years? That is a long time. There is nothing wrong with you, you stated what you wanted and he agreed than did the fade out. He is 30 years old and could of clearly stated that he really liked you/ things were heading in the right direction but since he hasn;t dated in so long he needs time. However he agreed and than backed out. You want someone who is assertive and confident, not someeon who is “scared.”
    Someone who is confident enough like you to take on the risks (emotional) associated when a relationship ends. He is not. 3 months from now you will look back and see this.

    Think of it as time saved.

    #388373 Reply
    Stefanie

    Taylor, you did the right thing, absolutely. Completely agree with Jillian, she has explained it well.

    Here’s what to ask a man who won’t commit because they were burned in the past…

    Did you ever do something like learn to ride a bike, make an investment, learn a new sport… and fall or make a mistake and get “hurt” somehow, i.e., skin your knee, lost money, whatever… (and the answer is YES)… and did you completely stop doing it because you had the one bad experience or did you get back up and do it again and learn and eventually get good at it (and the answer is YES)? So then, why is a relationship any different? (It’s NOT.)

    Any guy who tells you he can’t move forward because he was so hurt is choosing to use that as an excuse to avoid intimacy. It’s like a 2 year old closing their eyes and saying you aren’t there because I can’t see you. It’s Peter Pan… refusal to mature.

    You are right to walk at the 3/4 month mark if he ain’t stepping up… because if he isn’t doing it then, he isn’t gonna.

    In the future, don’t get more invested than him. It’s natural to miss him… you’ll get over it. He isn’t bothered because he wasn’t into it like you were. And his behavior clearly shows you did pressure him. But that’s on him to not stand up for what he wanted. Another sign of immaturity… going along with what someone else wants and not being real.

    NEXT!

    #388377 Reply
    Yams

    Taylor, I’m going to offer a different perspective.

    Firstly, prior to your pressuring him, was there anything wrong with the relationship? As in substantively speaking I mean- forget the labels for a second. You guys were exclusive right? So anything wrong in the way he was treating you? These are genuine questions btw. I’m not trying to put you down. Was he behaving like a committed, respectful man who was really into you? Did he make plans for the future- I don’t mean marriage wise, but just smth like making plans a few months down the road etc?

    #388394 Reply
    Taylor

    No he didnt make plant like that. He was very last minute. Only made plans in advance like one time. I couldn’t tell half the time if he was into me as much as I was into him.

    #388395 Reply
    Taylor

    Plans*

    #388396 Reply
    Taylor

    Actually, he acted very much into me in the beginning, before I told him I was ready for a relationship.

    #388404 Reply
    Yams

    Hmm It’s easy for anyone to act like they’re anything for a short period of time. On the whole though, from what you’re saying, I’m gonna say you made a wise move ending things. He sounds like he either wasn’t that into the relationship for whatever reason, or simply wanted the fun of casual dates without any commitment. Men like that won’t change their minds overnight, and possibly not at all.

    #388410 Reply
    Lisa

    He is emotionally damaged.. scared To make a Commitment. You did the right thing. I would move on To avoid a heatbreak !! Do not waste your time! Agreed with everybody else, immature guy..

    #388422 Reply
    Lagirl

    Men will use the excuse of not wanting to get hurt, not wanting to hurt you, wanting to go slow… Etc, as excuses not to commit. They are just excuses. If you hear such words you may as well move on. Trust me, a man will get over past hurts pronto if he find the woman he WANTS to be with.

    In your case he wasn’t wanting the relationship. My husband told me that men, especially younger ones, don’t date to get into a relationship. It’s for companionship. He will make you are gf if he decides you are ‘ the one’.. Meaning a woman he really wants in his life and not lose. OR, if the woman pressures him he may cave, as well.

    The problem with that second scenario is that while he may go along with your request to be bf/gf, it likely won’t last. A man can be pressured into it, but if he finds himself. It happy with the situation, he will bail on you. Why? Because his heart wasn’t fully into it.

    You did right by breaking it off.

    #388423 Reply
    Lagirl

    Finds himself unhappy in the situation

    #388522 Reply
    Taylor

    It hurts to hear these things but I see now. He kept saying he saw it turning into a relationship, but it never happened. He also was seeing this girl before me for a year and never committed.

    #388697 Reply
    Stefanie

    Taylor, I just walked away from a man who has been divorced almost 20 years and he’s still using the excuse that he was bullied in his marriage and she got everything in the divorce as the reason why he won’t ever let himself fall in love. He’s 56. He’s been doing this for YEARS. I really feel for him, he’s clearly in pain and doesn’t know how to resolve. It’s England, therapy isn’t as “done” here as it is in America. But I”m not a therapist and I can’t convince him that I’m not his ex and never would be. He admitted he dates women for 3-6 months but then will never let himself go past that. If a man won’t go there, he won’t go there until he’s ready to change. So don’t think it’s your fault! Also, in fairness, you date someone for a while and then at a certain point you have to make a decision about whether you are a match and you should continue because it’s leading somewhere. A lot of times the answer is no. That’s why we date, to find out. Just because it didn’t go where you wanted to doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong or wrong with you. Not the right match. NEXT!!

    #388707 Reply
    Taylor

    Thank you. It makes me feel a little better I’m not the only one. I’m just upset it could have been something really good between us. He’s such a weiner. It’s been over a month since I broke it off and I still care. Did he talk to you after you left him?

    #388717 Reply
    Stefanie

    No Taylor you are most certainly not the only one honey. Everyone on this site has been through the same experience I guarantee you. I also feel M and I were doing well and then I find out he didn’t think so and wanted out. Oh well. I forgot he was in my Hotmail contacts so the week after I said goodbye to him formally I sent out a Christmas greeting email on Christmas Eve and I noticed a week ago he had sent a short reply back thanking me. I did not answer. I have since ensured he is off any email lists, out of my phone, etc. I was very amicable when I called it off but I do believe I was clear it was OVER so no, other than that no contact and I don’t expect it.

    You can lead a horse to water…

    Here’s the thing – it’s OK to still care. You just can’t keep pushing energy at it. My mother says she still cares about her first college boyfriend and she’s 76!!

    I wish M the very best and think he’s a good guy. He’s just not relationship/potential husband material in my book now because he’s too damaged and not choosing to move forward from the trauma at this time. Nothing I can do but move on. Same goes for you.

    #388806 Reply
    Taylor

    How long ago did this happen? A week before Christmas?

    #388815 Reply
    Stefanie

    Yes. He started acting weird after we got back from a trip to the US four months into the relationship back in late September. He asked for “space.” I freaked and thought that was a break-up. I got to reading and learned that sometimes he just is doing a normal rubber band thing so I gave him space. He did not go away. But after 8 weeks of this (during which I was very busy with my life and learning all about men on this site), I wanted to see what was up. We had a really good date one night and then a week later a lunch on Thanskgiving Day (we live in London, it is not a holiday here) and he was totally bizarre. Acted very distant and clearly was not going to ask to see me over the holidays. So I walked away thinking it was over and then he sent me a really sweet email wishing me a good business trip to the US. I thought it over while I was away and decided I did not want to carry this into 2015 so I asked to see him and we had a little walk and then a chat. Turns out he was freaked out by the week long trip we took – he had not spent that much time with a woman since his divorce. Yikes. Wish I”d known. And he kept talking about the ex and I realized, he is just not anywhere near healed from this. Best for us to part. One part of me wishes we’d just cut this in October, but I learned so much out of the way it did go that I’m glad for what happened.

    New year, new me. :)

    #388824 Reply
    Phillygirl

    There is a saying I live by “excuses are like a-holes, everybody has one, and they are usually full of…..poop”. Regardless of what has happened in someone’s past, most people will move forward if it’s something/someone they really want (and there are exceptions in extreme cases-but someone that damaged I would run from, anyway).
    My BF was married to a woman that he found out was a serial cheater.She was/is a living nightmare. They have to keep in touch because they have children together. He had no hesitation telling me he wanted to be in an exlcusive, serious, committed realtionship with me (within in a couple of weeks from when we started talking). Now to be fair, we dated a long time ago and parted ways when I moved out of state, so we already knew each other previously. Our initial breakup was solely due to logistics. He worked on himself, took responsibility for his life and got his head straight.
    I seriously doubt I am the exception to the rule. I am sure there are plenty of other women who find men that are capable, willling, and able to step up and accept their past while being able to make a future.

    #388834 Reply
    Stefanie

    EXCELLENT points Philly. Thanks for sharing that.

    #388862 Reply
    Taylor

    Just a quick question: what about the fact that he was into me for a long time after we met? I met him last March through a mutual friend. He liked me but I didn’t feel the same. I kinda did the fade out on him after 2 weeks. Then months later in July, he still liked me and pursued me. I just want ready for a relationship and told him that. I still didn’t feel the same until August after I hung out with him a few times. He asked me to go to a wedding and to do a lot of things with him. He liked me for a long time….even my friends find his behavior weird.

    #388863 Reply
    Taylor

    Wasn’t ready*

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