Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › I need to stop chasing him. How?
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Shay.
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Shay
Hi All,
Need help in making sense of all of this. I like this guy a lot. We talk daily. Mainly by text and sometimes he would call me. He works from 8am to 4pm, Mon-Fri. Goes to bed by 9pm latest. We’ve hanged out a few times before, we have even kissed. His friends has told him multiple times before that we should be together because just the way we are when we are in the same room. But to what I understand is he is emotionally unavailable, as he is willing to do couple things with me but says he can’t get into a relationship right now because of the hurt of the past. Now I know what a load of crap all this is because who hasn’t been hurt before right? My last break up was worse. Anyway, the point is for some reason I cant stop “running” after him. Like before i make any plans at all i would check on him first for a plan or accommodate him in my existing plans.
Last weekend we had a regatta event on the beach, I drove there first and he was suppose to join me after. There was so many people and the weather wasn’t very good, so I booked us a VIP table at a beach shack, we had free drinks and my other friends and his friends joined. It was full at this point and the bouncer didn’t allow anymore people in. I think he spent an hour then he told me he has to go because his colleagues that came with him is looking for him. And since where we were was full they couldn’t join us. He wasn’t the one driving them home and he could have gotten a ride home with me but anyways he then left. Texted me as normal the next day.
Yesterday I invited him out to see a movie. He told me he is babysitting his baby cousin all week (who lives next door) because his cousin’s mother is not there. However, he lives with his mother, so for one night I dont think his mom would mind keeping an eye on the toddler! Anyway I said nothing.
This weekend he told me it’s his boss’s birthday and they are having a party which is an hour by car from where we live, this would be on Saturday. So I asked him to hang out tonight (Friday) then he can go to the party Saturday which starts at 3pm. He says he will be too tired to drive there. So I said well if you’re not doing anything Sunday we can go on the beach. He told me he is probably going to sleep over at the boss’s house and the party will continue on Sunday. Like either this is the party of the century or he just plainly don’t want to bother himself with me. So I said fair enough and I stopped contacting him, but he will call me.
Sometimes I think he mainly calls when he is stuck in traffic or waiting outside on a friend. And sometimes he call when he is falling asleep in bed around 8pm to which I just end up telling him to have a good night.I let him be, then he would contact me the next day all normal again, he sent me a selfie of himself, a sexy one in fact, and of course I gave him a compliment, but I notice that he doesn’t return any my way when I upload anything new. Felt like whenever he needs the ego boost he comes my way. But its confusing because he is generally a nice helpful person. I dont understand what he wants. The hang outs are all on his terms it seems as he can refuse whenever he likes but at the same time will invite me to hang out among his friends as well. I dont get it.
Long story short, I do like this guy. He has a good side to him, he has helped me a lot. But I’m beginning to feel like I’m running after him and I want it to stop. He is 29 and I’m 25. How do I take back control without causing us to not talk at all? Or what is the best thing to do here to reverse this? Because I know the more I chase him the further he will go. I just want this to stop. Thanks.
hs
he’s using you as an ego fluff. he clearly isn’t serious about you, everything is on his terms, and he’s only available when it suits him. it’s the typical mr unavailable and fallback girl situation
just write him off. stop asking him out. stop responding to messages. carry on with your life
there is a slim chance he may come around and give you the relationship you need. most likely he’ll chase you like mad because you being unavailable will hurt his ego. but as soon as he has your attention again, the status quo will continue
it’s a never ending circle with men like this, till you walk
Stephanie Snow
You know the answer already. This man is not into you the way you want and need. You are so available he doesn’t need to make any effort because he knows you will drop everything for him. A man isn’t going to bother buying the cow when he is getting the milk for free!
I’ve been where you are- for months i chased this guy and acted like the perfect girlfriend – but i wasn’t his girlfriend, i was just his placeholder because after three months i asked about coming off Tinder and you would have thought I had asked him to marry me!! I walked away, messed up and went back a few times but eventually i got over him.
I do think that part of infatuation is the adrenalin – its mixes our feelings. I thought i was maybe going to fall in love with this guy because i felt so into him… but it wasn’t real!
So pull back. Mirror. Don’t initiate dates. Start dating others and enjoy your life
Shay
Thanks for responding..
I feel like I’ve been validated in a way. I was worried it could just be in my head. I’ve already began keeping some distance. After he turned down all my invites, I told him to enjoy his weekend and be safe. And I haven’t responded to any of his messages til now.
I plan to match his efforts. I wont invite him to anything anymore. I won’t cheer his day like he say I do. I wont compliment his uploads anymore. Il just be the person he knew that liked him and has become scarce to get a hold off now. I hope he doesn’t come after me..because all this has left a bad taste in my mouth that, trusting his intent is difficult. But what if he asks me what happened?
hs
if he asks what happened, tell him the truth. that he didn’t seem all that interested in you and that he didn’t meet your needs so you moved on
Lane
I know it sucks to crush on someone who’s not crushing on you the same way but that’s the complexity of being human. Its called “unrequited love” and if not careful it could evolve into an obsession or limerence, so need to be careful you don’t fall down that rabbit hole.
His intentions have been super clear, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, or anyone for that matter. A person is “emotionally unavailable” because they want to be, and have VALID reasons for doing so. There’s many reasons for this, sometimes it has to do with focusing on personal plans or goals. Or one is still healing, where a past relationship has put their heart and mind on lock down and don’t want to take the risk of going through another round of heartache and pain. Or it could be a personality issue where they prefer to be alone, aren’t capable of being a good partner, know this about themselves, so they intentionally don’t engage in it.
The list of “why’s” is irrelevant. What’s relevant is they don’t have the feelings one needs to do or engage in something because those feelings don’t exist within them. For instance, if you despise spinach, there’s no one on this earth who can *make you* suddenly love it, no matter how they try to dress it up or use it in a dish. The change must occur internally, such as a change in your taste buds, before your mind can change how it *feels* about spinach. I hate mushrooms, and there is NOTHING my ex-husband could do, which included trying to ‘hide them’ in a dish that could get me to like or eat them. My mind is ‘made up’ about them, and no matter how many people have “tried” to get me to eat them, I still refuse because those are MY FEELINGS, the way I FEEL, and just because they love them doesn’t mean I *have to* love them the same way—same concept.
I suggest you take some time to wean him from your system by going no contact for awhile. He’s your heroin (drug), and those who are addicted to their drug will do anything to get it, which is why you are acting and doing the things you do. The only way to get over those intense feeling for him is to stop engaging with him by taking the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ approach until he’s fully weaned from your system. If you catch it early, accept he’s not interested in a relationship, and focus your energy elsewhere, your chances of getting over a crush will be much quicker, and easier, than remaining in a long term state of unrequited love.
Honeypie
Oh dear OP reading this made me cringe for you! Chasing this guy like that with him knocking you back over and over, you making your reasons as to why you believe he should let his mum do the baby sitting instead of him or he should hang with you and not stay over his bosses. The whole reason he’s making those choices is he doesn’t think of you like you do him and therefore it doesn’t mean what it does to him. Please please stop!
Get your head straight that you need to get over this infatuation with him. It isn’t returned.
If he asks what happened as your contact lessons- he may well not ask- simply say has it? We’re friends so I contact whenever I’m feeling to so hadn’t noticed, and don’t discuss further
Liz Lemon
“But to what I understand is he is emotionally unavailable, as he is willing to do couple things with me but says he can’t get into a relationship right now because of the hurt of the past.”
He has told you directly with his words, and indirectly with his actions, that he does not want a relationship. Whether than means he does not want a relationship WITH YOU, or does not want a relationship with anyone at all, is beside the point.
A guy who is into you will make an effort to see you. He won’t blow off invitations to hang out with you. It’s really that simple. I agree with other posters that it sounds like he’s using you as an ego boost. I’m sure he’s flattered by the attention you give him. But he’s giving you nothing in return.
Trust me, I’ve been in this situation so I understand you– where I really really liked a guy, and I was constantly chasing him, and seeking pretexts to hang out, and he would frequently agree just because I think he was flattered by the attention. But there was no romantic effort on his part. The guy I liked was a super nice guy as well, a genuinely good person. For him there was just no romantic spark towards me.
I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a year and a half now and the difference is night and day. He pursued me from the beginning and made it clear he was interested. I never doubted his intentions. Even if he had to get up early for work or whatever, he would still take me out during the week- work was never an excuse. When a guy is into you and wants to make you his, he makes it VERY clear.
I’m glad you have realized the truth of the situation and are moving on! Distract yourself, date other guys, focus on a hobby or something that interests you, plan to see & go out with your friends more. It’s hard I know, but you have to break the habit of chasing him, like any bad habit. I honestly doubt he’ll ask you “what happened” if you distance yourself– but if he does, just be honest. He told you upfront he is not looking for a relationship. Since you two are not interested in the same thing, it’s better for you to focus your energy elsewhere.
Cassie
We talk every day over text, but we never talk face-to-face because we don’t have any classes together and he basically tells me it’ll be weird if he suddenly comes up to me and talks to me. He always says stuff like “maybe we’re just meant to be” or “we’re perfect for each other” but he also called me a cute lizard (like tf?), that literally weirded me out so bad. Maybe he just has a busy schedule, but every time I text him back he usually doesn’t reply for an hour or mostly a couple of hours. He told me about all his crushes in the past and he says that he still likes this girl. We never say goodbye at night, one of us just stops texting back and replies in the morning. I’m scared to say bye to him because i don’t want out conversations to end, but i feel like they’re already becoming very detached and cold. Just yesterday I told him we need to talk face-to-face because i don’t hold cyber friendships and that i would hit him continuously until he started a conversation. He asked why not kiss and hug him instead because that would be nicer, and i said that i would kiss him on Monday (sarcasm) and he said sure. I don’t really know what he thinks of me because he’s sending me mixed signals and whatnot. Another thing is that we act terribly alike, we’ve called each other out on this multiple times, people even said we look physically alike and others ship us together, but he acts disgusted whenever that happens, so I don’t know anymore. Please help!! Your girl is SO desperate over here!
Honeypie
Have you READ what people are advising?? We are helping you out! You aren’t listening…
Dangerouse
You sounded intelligent and mature in your first post. You analyzed that he calls you when driving and just wants somebody to talk to about himself.
But your second post you sound like a teenager.
You can’t talk a man into being your boyfriend. Best thing to do is friendzone him in a nice way, and stop chasing.
Find a real boyfriend. Quit pretending that you two are special friends. Stop pretending guys are special friends. Guys are for boyfriends. He knows you want more. You are embarrassing yourself.
Do you see how immature it is to try to best friend a man into a boyfriend?
Liz Lemon
I don’t think Cassie and Shay are the same person (Cassie who just posted is not the OP). Cassie, you need to start your own thread.
ANM StaffKeymaster@Cassie Thanks for sharing! However, it’s better to start a new thread. The community members who have responded to you have confused you with the Original Poster of this topic. (It’s an easy mistake to make when multiple persons open stories in the same thread – that’s why we like to start new threads.) If you like, you can start a new post in the forum here.
Anon
It’s easy to get caught up and project our fantasizes onto others in hope that’ll live up them. Please pick up your self respect and any dignity you have left and back off from this mess. I’m not telling you to completely shut him but you’re honestly doing way too much. Reading all those plans you tried to orchestrate made me anxious so I can only imagine for him. He turned down the first plan and you should have stopped initiating right there.
Please give the situation a rest. Be less available. Let him message and initiate contact first. Let him plan dates and outings it’s what you deserve. You’re only pushing him away. Keep busy, do you, go out, post pictures and live your life. Don’t seek validation from him. When he messages take a while to respond. Reschedule any dates he makes just be busy and stop chasing this man. It’s too much
Shay
Thanks for the replies guys!!
Something I’d like to say is that, I think I fell into the chasing trap without realizing, because he would also ask me out. He would contact me, if we haven’t spoken more than a day he would tell me it felt like something was missing, this week when he called he would put his cousin (the toddler) on the phone to talk to me, and the little guy would scream my name out to the guy’s mother. And we ended up laughing about it, and his mom knows of me but we’ve never officially met. And he involved me among his friends as well, he talked about deep family stuff to me. So naturally I opened up my life to him as well, but i think it got to a point where I was doing more than he was. So as confusing all this was it doesn’t matter at this point, I see it clear.
He did indeed say he did not want a relationship, and I will believe that. I wont be one of those girls who thinks I can change him. I really dont. If a man truly wants something like that he will make it clear. And I wont be in doubt. Can’t believe I didn’t notice this sooner.
Anyway, I’ve pulled the break. I honestly dont think it would be a problem emotionally for me to chit chat every now and then with him but I’ll be removing any idea of a pursuit. I will never force anyone to see I’m worth it.
Just a bit of update: Today is the boss’s party and I haven’t heard one single thing from him. Last i heard from him was last night when he said goodnight. And I just replied “night”. He asked me if something was wrong. Told him no I’m great just out with my friends. (And I really was) So maybe he does notice the shift of things? Anywho it’s a bummer but oh well.
Thanks everyone for helping me out on this!!.. and yeah I’m not cassie :)
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