I cancelled the second date


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This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Maddie 4 months ago.

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  • #930709 Reply

    Lauren

    Hello. I am a long time reader, but I rarely ever post. I guess I’m just here to vent. I’ve been single (with the exception of not very serious, but months long situation’ships pretty consistently) for almost three years now. It’s always something. Either the vibe is off or there’s distance or we have different life goals. I went out with a guy last week and immediately the chemistry was unreal. He checked almost all of the boxes with a few quirks that I didn’t even think much about because we connected so incredibly well. At the end of the date, though, he tells me he doesn’t want anything too serious because he’s just gotten out of a serious long term relationship. Because of course he has. Then for this past week he’s texted every day and we’ve talked on social media too and he immediately asked me out again for tonight. I said yes because I liked him right off the bat and was so looking forward to seeing him again. And simultaneously I kept on swiping on dating apps. Yesterday a dating app guy asked if I could see him tonight. I said yes and this morning cancelled with the first guy telling him we want different things. I know I did the right thing – but it sucks. I’m getting ready for this date tonight right now and I’m not as excited as I otherwise would be. Ugh. I miss liking someone and feeling that instant connection. That’s all. Rant over. Thanks for reading everyone.

    #930713 Reply

    Andrea

    Congratulations for looking out for your own needs and having boundaries! I wish more of us women were like this.

    #930714 Reply

    Zoya Bukatava

    I would do the same thing you did so keep dating other guys and dont have any regrets. Looks like the first guy was not too into you unfortunately. Otherwise he would not say that, men are not stupid he knew it would turn you off but still decided to tell you that he doesnt want anything serious now.

    #930738 Reply

    tammy

    lauren u did good. he told you right at the start he wants something casual. you should go on dates with men who have an open mind about getting into relationships if things click. he doesn’t have an open mind. so you were right to cut that short and give chance to other men.

    #930757 Reply

    Lauren

    Thank you for your feedback everyone and for the vote of confidence that I did the right thing. I don’t mind taking things slowly – in fact I WANT to take things slowly – but I’m not going to get myself into something that has absolutely no potential for a future right of the bat. What’s the point? The date Monday night was fine. The guy was very nice and asked if we could head to the bar next door to the restaurant to watch the game after dinner, which we will. And he texted yesterday too which was cool but that was definitely more of a friendship vibe. Why is it so hard to find that spark?? I’ve met so many men recently – great men! – but there’s just been no romantic connection on my part or both of our parts, presumably (except for the guy my original post is about.) What am I doing wrong here?

    #930760 Reply

    Maddie

    You may not be doing anything wrong, since it can be a numbers game. But if you really feel you’re *never* attracted to the men you’re going on dates with, think about the ones you have felt that spark with. Have they tended to be emotionally unavailable?

    #930762 Reply

    Lauren

    Maddie – that is a really interesting point. The last guy I can think of who I felt any kind of connection with was also just looking for something casual. So maybe it is somewhat of a recurring theme for me. I would say maybe I’m attracted to the chase, so to speak, but in both cases I felt the immediate spark and then found out afterwards that the guy wasn’t looking for anything serious so who knows …

    #930764 Reply

    Maddie

    I used to be the queen of this. I could (unknowingly) pick out the most emotionally unavailable guy out of any room without even talking to him first! Because that would be the rare one I felt attraction to. After talking him up and feeling all the sparks, I’d find out he’d: just gotten out of a relationship, only wanted something casual, was only visiting or about to move away, had some other obstacle that maybe we could overcome… because, of course he did! Every single time. Anyway, after many years of this over and over, it turned out to not be a coincidence. It had to do with me having an insecure attachment style and only being attracted to others who did as well. I had to figure myself out in that respect to break out of the pattern.

    #930782 Reply

    Lauren

    Maddie – wow – this is really insightful. You’ve definitely given me a lot to think about. Everything you’ve described above about yourself and how you would constantly be drawn to emotionally unavailable men – that’s me to a T. Any advice or tips for how to help me break the cycle? I honestly don’t even know where to begin. Thank you so much (all of you, truly!) for taking the time to help me. I really appreciate it.

    #930784 Reply

    Gaia

    Lauren-
    Best advice I’ve learned about how to deal with attracting emotionally unavailable men is that that as soon as they show you that they are, you cut them off. Don’t waste time with them. If they say “not ready for a relationship”, “only want friends with benefits”, “just got out of a relationship”, “still hung up on ex” or anything remotely similar, you walk away. Don’t hope they will change or come around.

    Know what you want and don’t settle for less. When they show their true colors or intentions and you are not happy with it because it doesn’t meet your wants or standards, you walk away.

    Definitely read up on attachment styles. That will help you break free from the cycle.

    #930790 Reply

    Lauren

    Gaia – thanks so much for the feedback. This was the first time ever that I nipped it right in the bud, within a week/before then second date and as disappointing as it felt, it was equal parts reassuring that I am capable of making the right decisions for myself and executing on them. It was a little like taking the power back too which was nice. This guy in particular – when I told him I was looking for something different/that had potential to possibly go somewhere – his response was kind but ultimately ended up, “you know where to find me when you change your mind…” And I haven’t responded (and won’t) which also feels good. I am my own worst enemy in these situations and 2022 Lauren needs to change some things – including/starting with that.

    I had never even heard of these attachment issues before. The more I read the more I realize how much I can relate. Maybe I need some professional help with this. I am a huge proponent of therapy and just talking things out in general so maybe it’s time I get to the bottom of whatever it is that keeps me drawn to the guys who are all wrong for me.

    #930792 Reply

    Maddie

    When you really get into insecure attachment, a lot has to do with addressing fears of abandonment and / or intimacy, working on trusting yourself, creating healthy boundaries, and learning to be present. It takes some time to learn about and work through, it’s not fast or easy, but it is absolutely something that can be shifted if you’re open to dealing with it. There are free videos by Thais Gibson that are a good introduction to attachment styles.

    It isn’t intuitive that if you focus on yourself in this type of way that you’ll eventuaaaaally start being attracted to and attracting more available men, but it’s absolutely true. I also found that focusing on improving healthy relationship skills (such as, date the person actually in front of you not their potential) and on improving communication skills really helped cut out a lot of the drama. Part of that involved what Gaia said, learning to recognize when a guy was unavailable and leaving prior to getting invested — which it sounds like from your post you’re already starting to do, so that is great!

    Out on the other side, I met an awesome partner who things are really easy with because we were both ready and available for a serious commitment. Still had plenty of bad dates prior to meeting him, but didn’t feel a spark with those types of wishy-washy guys any longer and no longer wasted a bunch of time on dating them like I used to. It feels a lot like I used to get stuck before but couldn’t explain it at the time, and now I don’t get stuck anymore.

    With the new guy you’re going on a date with, if he’s not giving you red flags and you like him well enough but don’t feel a spark yet, give it a few dates before moving on. I found that a better way for me to date was see if I was interested in getting to know the person a little better and wanted another date and then another and then another. If not or if there’s no physical attraction at all, it’s not the right guy.

    And the red flag that’s the biggest one that waves for emotionally unavailable guys is inconsistency, especially if their words and actions (and feelings) all don’t seem to match up. Good luck and enjoy the date!

    #930793 Reply

    Maddie

    Lauren, I just read your other response, and if you’re open to therapy and find a therapist familiar with this stuff it will really help. I wish that’s what I’d done but I didn’t know any better and did everything the hard and slow way lol 🙃 Even though it eventually worked out.

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