How to encourage the guy I am dating to step up and plan more calls/dates?

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  T from NY 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #788340 Reply


    I am a type A personality. I like planning things and knowing things ahead of time, this guy we’ve been dating for 3 months is great. But because I am type A personality, I always jump the gun to plan things ahead of time and like to be in control like that.

    We’re not committed or anything, I like that we’re going slow.

    But I have just realized that if I am not initiating, I wonder if he even will? How do I get him to step up and plan things?

    #788342 Reply


    Can you give examples of his behaviour?

    #788345 Reply


    I will say this once and I will say it again. Men who want to be your boyfriend act like boyfriends. You don’t need to control or beg or ask. They show up consistently they call a plan it’s pretty obvious. If he’s not doing that it’s because he’s not that into you most likely. Also in the world of coronavirus why are you not at home?

    Also this man is not your boyfriend so you should begin giving zero f’s at this point. He should be initiating and the best thing that you could possibly do is to be warm and responsive and playful when he does. That is enough for a motivated man.

    If you have been dating longer than 8 weeks and he is not stepping up, he won’t. So let him go.

    Also, what does going slow mean in this case?

    #788349 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    What do you mean by you “always” jump the gun and plan? Do you never give this guy a chance to initiate? To answer your question, you can’t “make” a guy step up and initiate. He has to WANT to do it.

    I’m more of a “planner” and my boyfriend is less so, but when we were first dating he definitely made an effort to initiate and plan dates for us. We’ve been together 2 years now and I’ve had a relax my type-A streak a bit, and he’s stepped up and been better about planning, so we’ve met each other in the middle. But in the first months of dating he definitely didn’t leave me wondering about dates. He always reached out and asked me.

    I think Tallspicy is right, if a guy is into you he makes it clear. He reaches out, plans dates, doesn’t leave you wondering. And he locks you down. It’s 3 months and you’re not committed or exclusive with this guy? Is he seeing other people? From what you’re saying it sounds like he might be.

    #788350 Reply


    Any man not your boyfriend by 3 months is never going to be.

    #788351 Reply

    T from NY

    If he’s seeing or talking to other women during this pandemic (as well as not living an isolating lifestyle) you should not be meeting up with him anyway! Under any circumstance! The only reason I am going to see the guy I’m newly dating is because we made a pact to see each other only after 15 days of being symptom free, as well as living like hermits. For our own protection.

    But what the others are saying is true. I’m so sorry you’ve given 3 months of your life to a guy who hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend. Going slow, at this stage, means he does not want to commit to you – and your description that he is not taking action and making plans to see you, check on you, or move the relationship forward illustrates that.

    I would take this quiet time to reflect and focus on yourself. I know it is so hard! I had to work very very hard to be happy and satisfied and content and peaceful without a man! It took me about 6mos but it got to the point I was so happy I stopped dating for another year. Sure I would have moments of frustration or loneliness – but they didn’t last and they were normal. I acknowledged them but didn’t let them overpower me. Now I’m back out and have never accepted treatment other than very overt interest. The guy I’m now seeing makes it very clear, daily, his interest and plans dates. Please only allow men in your life who treat you well. STOP initiating and see what he does. If he doesn’t step up, step off like a lady.

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