This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
August 3, 2020 at 3:38 am #799355
Hello, my bf and I have been together for 6 months. I have no doubt he’s really into me and everything he does shows that he loves me e.g. driving me for 2 hours just I get into work ontime/ even when he’s so tired ..etc. I told him I love you and he said it back and said you know that anyway. He’s not very good with expressing his feelings.
But I saw on his phone that he sent a message to a girl saying ‘what’s up?’ last week. The girl saw the message but didn’t reply. I then noticed that they had previously talked before (Summer 2019) and was flirting.
There was another person that initated a message to him saying hello and my bf asked if she was single. She said no and he ended it with ok.
Do you guys think something is off? Is he going to cheat on me because he’s not happy/ not enjoying being with me. The thing that’s mostly bugging me is the ‘what’s up’ text to that girl he flirted last summer. Please, I need some advice. I’ve been trying to stay calm and not freak out by working and keeping busy.August 3, 2020 at 9:12 am #799380
What??? This is not something you pretend to know and not address it with him as its only going to cause you anxiety and that is no way to be in a relationship.
One of three things are going on with him as six months is about the time a man starts wondering if you are the women he sees a future or wants to settle down with. He could be at a crossroad or it could be a case of boredom and randomly reading old texts and reaching out for an ego stroke, or he could be wanting to cheat.
It is up to you to get to the bottom of it. Don’t start the conversation in a judgmental tone or he’ll go in defensive mode and accuse you of snooping or spying that he was testing you blahm blah, blah. Very CALMLY tell him: “I saw the texts on your phone reaching out to a couple ladies and I need to know the reason why you did it?” THE END. Give him a moment to process your question and explain it to you. Based on his answer continue to REMAIN CALM (rational), do not get emotional, plead, or do any form of *convincing* after you listed to his response. All you need to do is CALMLY tell him “If you’re trying to replace me let me know now as I can’t be in a relationship with a man who’s foot is half way out the door. Either you’re all in or not and I need to know where you stand.”
Based on his response is when you need to make a decision by tell him you will not tolerate cheating or him being disloyal behind your back and that you need some time and space to think. At that moment go *no contact* take a few days and see how much he misses you, apologizes, or try’s to win you back into his good graces. The one thing I do know is that if a man isn’t willing to FIGHT for you and the relationship then you are heading to breakupville anyway and best to pull the plug before he pulls it on you first.August 3, 2020 at 10:34 am #799396
But if I were to address it then he would know that I was going through his phone.
I was wrong to go through his phone though…August 3, 2020 at 11:02 am #799400
Well yes, why were you going through his phone? Did you have suspicions? He will probably behave all indignant about you breaking his privacy but since you’ve found these texts he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. He will use you going through his phone as a reason to try and blame you.
Regarding next steps Lane’s advice is spot on so please follow itAugust 3, 2020 at 11:24 am #799402
And? Like I say if you’re going to snoop, you are going to find something!
Ok, the best way out of this then is to bring up the topic gently. Just say, “I don’t know why but intuition is going into overdrive where I feel like you may be talking to other ladies while with me. Are you?” THE END.
If he say’s no, then just respond with “I hope not because being disloyal or going behind a partners back is the most hurtful thing someone could do to another they claim to love and I just don’t want that to happen to me or us.” THE END. Leave him to think on that for a bit.
Putting that nugget in his head will either make him stop or start checking out. Either way you don’t want to be with a man who isn’t ‘all in’ or you’ll end up miserable, unhappy and always waiting for the shoe to drop—he cheats or leaves you for another. Love can be toxic and dysfunctional whereas you needing to spy and stalk him is being just as untrustworthy, deceptive and disloyal as what he’s doing. You need to chew on and think about that as well.August 3, 2020 at 11:55 am #799408
If your gut was going off enough for you to actually go through his phone, you KNOW something’s going on. Trust your intuition. Don’t put your head in the sand. Address it like Lane suggested. Be prepared this guy is not all in with you and you have may to walk. I know it hurts, but you want to find out sooner rather than later.August 3, 2020 at 1:38 pm #799422
I took your advice Lane and asked him calmly. A tiny tiny bit of anger did sip through but I managed to be calm and collected. I also did it after work in public so that helped.
So his response was he said he’s not doing anything unfaithful behind my back. And he admitted he did message her but it was platonic. He also said it made him sick that I would think that and he get where I’m coming from.
I do believe him but part of me is like ‘you’re being naive’ and ‘what if you’re reading it wrong?’ He’s not done anything to make me think that but that message is confusing me.
He was not angry at all that I went through his phone. Just said that it was unfair that I jumped to the conclusion from just one message.August 4, 2020 at 8:37 pm #800023
T from NY
The end of the day you get to decide if you want to continue with a guy, who barely 6 months in, is texting other girls asking if they are single. For me – it would probably be the beginning of the end because loyalty is that important to me. But if he is the perfect boyfriend in every other respect – you weigh that. Some people feel little things like you’re describing don’t matter – but I feel those are flags highlighting the man’s character (or lack of). Definitely watch and observe. It’s only been half a year – you’re still determining if he’s good enough for you.August 5, 2020 at 1:17 pm #800100
My opinion is you’re being naive. You said in your original post that there was another girl he was messaging/flirting with before this one. Was that also platonic? And asking a girl if she has a boyfriend and then ending the convo when she says yes, doesn’t sound very platonic to me. My advise is be careful with your heart if you choose to stay with this guy.August 8, 2020 at 8:54 am #800798
That behavior would be a tits dealbreaker for me. You deserve better than that.August 8, 2020 at 8:54 am #800799
Oh my goodness, did not mean to have the word “tits” in there. LolAugust 8, 2020 at 11:48 am #800839
S im laughing so hard about the tits dealbreaker. I was reading it and thinking: thats cool if thats a thing. But i wouldnt trust a guy who asks a girl if she is single. He is clearly not done playing the field