Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Help with difficult situation
- This topic has 12 replies and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by
Clara.
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Beth
I am in a long distance marriage. My husband lives two states away and is planning to move here in a few months. Last week two of his children ended up in the hospital from a car wreck, they are going to be fine but they’ve been in I see you. He has been at the hospital with his ex and staying in the same room with her at the hospital. I am uncomfortable with them staying and sleeping in the same room but then today he told me that he took a shower in the small bathroom that does not lock with her in the room and the child sound asleep. I am very uncomfortable and I’m not sure how to deal with feeling this way and can’t really say anything because of the situation. Would anybody else be feeling this way and worried. This X is somebody that he has gone back to you many times. We have only been married a few months and I just feel like this is too much at this point.
Franny
Is this a real post?
Because if it is, you should be worried about his kids who are in the hospital, and for him, and their mother. The fact that you’re concerned with his being in close proximity to his ex instead of having compassion for their children and for them speaks volumes.
Beth
And your lack of empathy for someone in a difficult situation speaks volumes. I have been concerned but was looking for help which you have not helped but attacked me for having mote than one emotion at a time.
Newbie
Im really sorry but im with franny. What exactly do you think they are going to do? Go at it like sexbunnies while their kids are in a hospital?
I get youre worried about their emotional connection but that will always be there as they share a probably deep love for their kidsFranny
Why would I empathize with you? I feel sad for these kids and their parents. I’m astounded at your selfishness.
Paige
Wow. You didn’t express not one ounce of concern for the kids. I agree with Franny, you are selfish af.
Angel
The OP is feeling what she is feeling and I don’t think it’s right to judge her emotions. Feeling complex and contradicting emotions is normal and is a sign of emotional health. Life is not black and white and I can sympathise with the OP.
Still, @ OP, do you believe in a crisis situation like this your husband or his ex would ‘seriously’ attempt to ‘go at it like sexbunnies’ as Newbie says? They are in such close proximity now because of what happened, not because it was their choice. If your husband wanted to get back with his ex, he would have, hospital or not, or bathroom with or without a lock. The fact that your husband shares these details with you shows he is open with you and trusts you (otherwise he wouldn’t have). Do you feel insecure in the marriage otherwise? I think you should acknowledge these feelings but not act on them. If there are underlying insecurities about your relationship or his relationship with his ex, that’s a bigger question.
Lane
I am wondering why you are feeling this way? Have you met his kids and/or bonded with them? I’m just trying to wrap my brain around why your so focused on you husband and his ex and not what they must be going through as parents with their children in the hospital?
I am sure they are supporting each other over the medical needs of their children but I highly doubt they are thinking of or even considering any kind of reconciliation because of this event. I would really try to put the dark thoughts out of your mind as your husband is including you and keeping you up to date so he’s thinking of you, sharing with you, and letting you know that he will be home soon to be with you :o)
Franny
OP, you barely mentioned anything about the kids except that they’re in ICU. That is VERY serious. You’re very cavalier about them being “okay” but anyone who lands in ICU after a car wreck didn’t just get a scratch.
Years ago, I was rear-ended at a stoplight and pushed 60 feet. I didn’t land in ICU but I had a severe concussion and I had to go to physical therapy for 6 months so I could learn to walk straight again.
Your only concern is yourself. I cannot get my brain around this. Instead of showing legitimate compassion for others who really need it, you’re worried that your husband is sleeping with his ex in an intensive care unit.
I don’t care if I’m not being “nice.” This is unbelievable. If my daughter were in ICU and my boyfriend showed little care for her and only worried about himself and our relationship, you better believe there would be no relationship after that. I would be gone in a matter of seconds.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Wendy
She’s here asking for advice not to be attacked by some of the posts here. We are here to support each other wether we like question or not.I totally get where the responses are coming from.
The reason for her post is what you guys missed. They are recently married and he has gone back to the ex several times. The situation is not the point, it’s the background.
She’s asking if the difficult, emotional situation will result in him going back to her because it’ happened several times before.
Ewa
I don’t understand if he has a tendency to go back to his ex , how he has managed to find a woman who actually married him?
how has he gained your trust ?
there is a possibility that this situation will push them closer but that is to be expected I am afraid, he is being honest with you , but like someone else pointed out ,you only care about your marriage not his kids.Liz Lemon
I tend to agree with all the points made here. Especially Ewa. I find it surprising that you would marry a guy who has “gone back to his ex many times.” This is not meant to attack you. But it just seems like you are setting yourself up for a marriage that is wracked with anxiety and uncertainty if you marry a guy who has gone back to his ex a number of times. It shows they have unresolved feelings. If this terrible situation with his children had not happened, there would have been something else that would have caused you to question his fidelity to you, because of their unresolved issues.
I agree that it’s shocking that you show so little compassion for the situation and for his children. I’m trying to put myself in this situation. I’m not married, but my long-term boyfriend has a child and and ex-wife. If (God forbid) something terrible like this happened, I would be terrified for his little boy, who I love very much. I also would not have any worries at all about his ex because I know it’s completely over between them and there is no way he’d ever go back to her. In fact he would want me there at the hospital with him to support him. So yes, it’s a very difficult situation and I can also understand your fear.
But I think it’s very significant that you are more worried about him possibly hooking up with his ex rather than the health of his children. It shows that you’re not secure in the relationship, with good reason. So I think you need to confront that fact. Rather than worrying about whether he’ll hook up with his ex, you should be 1. thinking of his children and how you can support him during this terrible time, and 2. reflecting on the lack of security you feel in your marriage.
Clara
I think Angel has it here. Great post.
We can all have complicated, contradicting emotions at once-
Like if your baby sister got pregnant after you’ve tried for years. You can be over the moon thrilled for her and so sad and disappointed for yourself.Franny, I thought you were way harsh at first til I learned you yourself were in a car crash- this is personal for you. But it’s exactly why I ALWAYS say we should have compassion at all times- you never know what someone’s been though. I am the type of person who has compassion for both you and OP.
However- going back to angels post-OP I am a tad concerned for you that you lack the maturity to actually be in a healthy marriage. Notice I said healthy, anyone can get married, doesn’t mean it’s healthy at all. You and anyone reading this has to just know you NEVER really know what your significant other is doing- they could say they’re going to work but go visit a lover, you never know. You need to be secure enough in yourself that you pick the right person and you trust.
I used to be like you, always suspicious of my now ex. I realize I was a totally different person back then and all three of us- me my ex and the relationship itself were NOT HEALTHY. If your spouse is emotionally mature he won’t do things that make you jealous and you won’t be worried sick all the time.
Go get some help. From a counselor. Good luck and Fran I hope you’re 100% recovered and thanks for the bravery of sharing your story.
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