This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ess 1 month, 2 weeks ago.
October 21, 2021 at 1:26 pm #928896
We have known each other for a month.
I really do connect with him when we hang out. My dilemma is that when I observe his actions, they are not what I’m used to seeing in men that have a healthy and genuine romantic interest in a lady. So here are some of the issues…
1. This guy has never invited me to his house. I don’t even know where it’s located, though I know it’s about 15 minutes from mine. All I know is that he lives with his sister. I don’t want to ask him to invite me to his place because I’m sure that he has already thought about it. Right?
2. He has been to my house severally. He actually invites himself over. At one point, I told him we should not hang at my place anymore, but he found his way back to my house. The first time I refused to meet at my house, is the first time he asked me out on a cheap ice cream date (it went terrible but I’ll get back to this), and a few days ago when he noticed I’m not responding to his requests for a hang out at my place he asked me out for another ice cream date, but as I was getting out to meet him, he was outside my gate and he somehow found an excuse to want to hang out at my place.
3. I don’t know anybody in his life. I’ve never seen any of his friends or his sister-probably the reason he hasn’t invited me to his house. Is this normal for a guy that likes you??
4. Tonight, he asked me if he could come for a sleepover, I didn’t respond, so he asked again, and my reply was “why?”, it seems like it wounded him because he replied back with “Doesn’t matter, I got my answer. I really like you… Yet I’m possibly being a fool”
The reason I declined to invite him over is that I have never seen a guy who just likes sleeping at the girl’s house no matter how s***ty his place looks like. Right?????????????
5. He has never told me physically that he likes me. He told me once over the phone but I told him that I don’t do that over the phone. Even accidentally saying it, he has never done that.
6. At my place, we were heavily making out and he pulled out his p*nis to have sex with me even without removing his pants or all my clothes, so it was an unexpected move. Do you know what shocked me the most? the fact that he wanted to fuck me without a condom. Is that a normal thing or does this guy not give a fuck about me?? In my entire life, I’ve never been intimate with a guy who doesn’t remove a condom before he removes his pants (unless it’s consensual for us to not use protection). Was this guy carried away in the moment or does he not care about me?
7. Back to the first date…he didn’t take me home as expected, he didn’t call me afterward. It was very cheap. (way less than a dollar of US money). Cheap ain’t the issue even, it was at a very unpleasant place with very uncomfortable chairs that would make you fall if you are not alert. I thought guys were supposed to impress you with a beautiful date in a beautiful place, not necessarily expensive of course. Just something really nice…
8. The only time this guy ever spent money on me to even buy something, was a chocolate bar, to apologize for a s***ty first date. In fact, while hanging out and an argument was emerging he said…”Let me keep quiet because I don’t want to buy another chocolate”.
9. Back to the current situation of where he is hurt about not being invited for a sleepover…I just feel like bursting out my anger on him and telling him that there are cheaper ways to get laid out there. But probably I shouldn’t be rude like I always do…so how should I react to this.
I really appreciate any feedback on the many issues I’ve raised with this guy.
In the past, I’ve been too blinded by passion to see a guy for what he is. Still, I’ve pushed away genuine guys. Story of my life.October 21, 2021 at 1:49 pm #928910
SMH. Where to even start? Read what you just wrote. You see this guy for exactly what he is, but you’re ignoring it for some reason. Your standards are way, way too low and your boundaries are non-existent. You’re this guy’s f*ckbuddy. You’re not even FWB. This isn’t about him treating you badly, because you’re putting up with it. It’s about you tolerating all this BS. Unless a guy puts a gun to your head, you are not obliged to let him into your home for any reason, ever, or do anything else you don’t want to do for that matter. Stop seeing this guy and stop dating until you can really work on yourself.October 21, 2021 at 1:58 pm #928911
There’s a lot to mull through here but first and foremost, it’s only been a month. You should be observing his behavior. From what you’ve said, it isn’t that stellar in convincing you of anything. You need stronger boundaries. If you don’t want him at your house, you tell him so. Be direct and firm about your wants. You want to go on dates, make it clear and tell him no house dates. It’s really simple. And if he shows up uninvited, tell him to leave.
I’ll try to give my opinion on each #.
#1.- That’s a red flag to me but it could just be too soon for you to be invited over.
2.- Get firmer boundaries. Don’t let him in if he comes over uninvited. Make it clear he needs an invitation.
3.- Only been a month so hard to tell. Might be an issue but might not be.
4.- Obviously, he likes you enough to either have sex or try for it. A man asking to sleepover usually means he wants to get some in my opinion. It’s very rare that is otherwise and usually only if the two involved are just friends.
5.- Ask him directly if it is that much of a concern. I’d say he likes you if he keeps trying for sleepovers but what kind of like is questionable after only a month.
6.- Every guy is different and it sounds like this was the heat of the moment. He definitely wasn’t thinking.
7.- Why did you continue to see this guy if you didn’t like the first date?
8.- Again, why do you like this guy? Sounds like a jerk thing to say especially to a woman you are trying to impress. Why would you want to settle for a guy who complains about buying a chocolate bar? Can’t imagine what it’ll be like when you grow into a relationship and have to talk about real finances like buying a home, purchasing a car, etc.
9.- Sounds like a manipulative dude. Red Flag and run. No man who likes you and values you will ever make you feel guilty for not having sex with him. Ha, I’d probably have said that and then blocked him forever.
There are way, way, way better men out there than what you have described.October 21, 2021 at 2:16 pm #928912
1-9 = Ick!
Why do you continue to engage with this boy?October 21, 2021 at 2:31 pm #928913
There’s nothing to “decode.” When you feel you need to decode anything, it’s not serious and probably already over (because you’re over-investing by giving him space in your head that he doesn’t deserve creating an imbalance, and because communication isn’t strong).
“his actions, they are not what I’m used to seeing in men that have a healthy and genuine romantic interest in a lady”
Go with your gut. His interest isn’t healthy and genuine romantic interest! You already know this without asking in multiple posts. You can’t change him. Find a guy you actually like who doesn’t make you question what’s going on.October 21, 2021 at 5:07 pm #928914
what! No. Shut the door in his face if he just turns up.
As for pulling his P… out that is just down right gross and disrespectful. No he doesn’t like or respect you. BUT you shouldn’t be even wondering, he is someone to turn your back on. You have entertained this guy for 1 month too long.October 21, 2021 at 11:39 pm #928917
I think the real question is why have you lowered your expectations so much that not only have you not cut it off with him, but are letting him occupy this much of your headspace? This is a lot of analyzation over someone you have only known for a few weeks!
But the only specific item I’ll comment on is the no condom thing. If he’s trying that with you, I’m sure he’s done that with others. So he clearly has no regard for you or your health and well being.
Please stop entertaining this guy and have more love and respect for yourself.October 22, 2021 at 4:40 pm #928923
I now see how much my standards are low. I think it’s because I don’t see the red flags when a guy is sweet, nice and listens to me.
I have texted the guy and told him a few things that didn’t make me happy. He will probably never talk to me again if he hasn’t replied till now.