Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He wont commit and I walked away
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Zoe.
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Alice
So I really liked this guy. He’s basically my version of Prince Charming. Amazingly goodlooking, great career and smart. Good education and family background, etc. He is also mind blowing in the bedroom. In one word, the best guy I’ve ever dated, in the sense of “market value”.
its been four months and everything was great. We see each other 3 or 4 times a week. I could tell he enjoyed spending time with me. He gave me his apartment keys in the first month.
Anyway, then there came a point when I realised he truly didn’t want a committed relationship. He said that at the beginning, but we acted like a couple. And I was so carried away and ignored it. Thought he’d grown attached to me and change his mind. We agreed to be exclusive in the beginning, so I thought as long as we are only seeing each other, it’s technically a relationship.
I was wrong. So last week, when we had a fight and he declared he just wanted to be single and i just assumed things, I decided it’s time to walk away.
And I did. He begged me to stay, but i knew he’d never respect me if I did.
I never looked back. Today is day 6 of NC. He contacted me on Day 3 and I didn’t reply.
I cried for the first 3 days, yet am feeling so much better now. It was definitely very difficult at the time of leaving but I knew I did the thing I wouldn’t regret.
soni
wow. your so strong. hats off. u have my respect. you stuck to ur beliefs which is awsm. I think he will reconnect. maybe this time you should hear what he wants to say? u do like the guy after all.
options2
6 days of no contact is unlikely to change a person’s mind, especially a preconceived notion.
But at least you can listen to him. I would take 30 to get back and talk by then,you both have time to think thru.
Getting back together based on duress in unlikely to be successful in a long term
alia
If he is texting, I would personally say that I am taking a month to think things through, but maybe I’m just a softy.
Alice
Thank you, Soni. It’s definitely not easy. I used to be the doormat girl in past breakups and it never worked out. So this time I took my stand and left gracefully. I have to say I’m very proud of myself for my growth.
Option52, I totally agree with you. I figured it takes at least a month or two for someone to really chane his mind, if it ever happens. So I’m sticking with NC for 30 days at least. Its really the best for both of us.
i really like this guy, and the only possibility for a happy ending is he takes it seriously. My availability won’t make it happen. He already know how I feel and what kind of person I am. its time to walk away and never look back…Alice
Alia, I would do the same. 30 – 60 days seem like a fair mount of time. I will contact him to see where he’s at then.
Maria
I know all the hype about the NC rule, but for me, it spoiled things. You cannot blindly apply the same rule to all situations, I find.
In this case, you were right to walk away firmly, but ignoring the guy like this? It is very rude and harsh and disrespectful to him. After all, he told you at the beginning he was not looking for a relationships. It is your right to walk away, but have some compassion for his feelings. He did not do anything wrong.
In this case, I would explain to him, not in writing but over the phone, how you feel. That you do like him a lot but that you do not want to waste your time in a dead-end relationships (guys understand that very well!). Ask him not to contact you for some time – for you to get over him (do not mention that you expect him to change his mind). Do not set a limit to it, because he might change his mind faster than 1-2 months.
In my case, this NC rule really ruined all the beautiful and genuine feelings we had. There were questions on both sides that were unanswered, so a lot of resentment and a lot of hurt accumulated BECAUSE of the NC rule, from both sides whereas we both wanted to get back together and were willing to work things out and compromise. By the time NC period ended, things were already different and even thought we did get together, it was not the same. I know I am swimming against the current here, but I honestly think that one size does not fit all. Go by your circumstances. In your case, I don’t think you would need such a harsh reset, I don’t think. The guy is genuinely missing you and wants to get back together, do not ignore him, or you will hurt his feelings too badly and rather needlessly in this case.
Anne
Maria, you’ve said this really well and it is an excellent point. No “rule” applies 100% of the time. I agree with your assessment.
I would say text back or call him and say that you’ve just like to take a few weeks to think things through and will be in touch then. Then if you want to, you can see him for coffee and see what he has to say, if you are still interested. That will give him some time to think too.
kaye
Alice,
Your words are terribly conflicting. Twice you’ve said it’s time to walk away and never look back. Yet, you’re talking about doing NC and contacting him after 30 days to see where he’s at. And the possibility of a happy ending if he takes it seriously. That’s not my definition of not looking back.
I’m not trying to beat you up because we’ve all been there, me especially, but be honest with yourself about what you want. Take some time, set the boundaries regarding contact with him, whether you will agree to see him, what would he have to do in his actions to make you reconsider the break up.
But I agree with Maria that ignoring him is harsh and will breakdown the communication. If you need some time tell him that. But also give him a chance to speak his mind and tell you what he needs to say before you decide to go no contact for whatever period of time you need.
Ellen
Good for you. I would talk with him and give it a couple of months. See what happens. Sorry this is lengthy but has been going on since October 2014. I have been seeing a guy who is recently divorced (about 1 year) but was separated for approx. 2 years. It started off as just a booty call. That’s really all I was interested in (myself being recently separated for 1 year) We stopped seeing each other for two months and than ran in to one another again and hooked up. He started texting again and than would text to meet and I would. I met his parents a couple of times and friends. Than we were supposed to get together and he basically stood me up (said he forgot his ex going out and he had the kids.) I was hurt at the time since he told me he liked me a lot and I started falling for him a little bit. We didn’t talk for a week and than he came by my job and said he wanted to talk to me. He told me “now is not the time for me and you.” I understood and moved on. Month later he texted me and said he saw my post. We were at the same franchise but different locations, and that he was at our local bar now. I met him and we started texting each other again. I’ve been to his house twice, no one home. I didn’t want to continue with him as a booty call, since I started developing feelings for him. He said he liked me a lot and that I am the most serious girl that he has been with since his divorce, but not ready to settle down. We had a talk about what’s going on between us and he said he didn’t want to hurt me and that he didn’t know what was going to happen I just needed to know from him that he valued me more than just a booty call. After a long talk he thanked me for talking with him and being the mature adult and how he was being selfish, owed me an apology and that we should see where things go, and that he did value me more than just a booty call. Well, he lives with his ex wife and two small kids. Ex wife has a boyfriend and he says the only reason he is there is because of his kids. I don’t think he’s in love with her and he’s told me he’s not – twice. He’s also confessed he feels like he failed and guilt about what happened with his marriage. He recently spent a week’s vacation at his ex wife’s family’s beach house. Mother-in-law asked him to go and he promised his kids. Night before he left he spent the night with me and said we would text/see me next week (meaning this week). He has been honest with me and has told me he’s not looking for the next Mrs. right now. Understandably. After what I have been through I am not looking for a committed relationship but am looking for something a little more consistent. Mother-in law watches the kids until he gets out of work so he isn’t always available to come over/hang out. Don’t know what to do. Just want to say I am not sitting around waiting for this guy, but I do really care for him. Should I just take it day by day and see where it goes or forget it completely?
Alice
Dear Ellen,
I feel sorry for you having gone through difficult times. Your situation sounds similar to mine, just more complicated. To be honest, I don’t know what you should do. It’s a difficult position to be in. You seem really enjoy his company but want more than he can offer.
Maybe that’s why fwb seldom works out, eventually someone will develop feelings, often women. We tend to get much emotionally attached through sex, it’s just biology, my personal believe. So maybe cut the sex out and see if he can invest more emotions? Treat him like a gay friend and open your options. just my humble opinion, I’m almost as lost as you are.
Alice
Hi Girls,
I omitted some important details in the original post, so might let you think the my response is a bit harsh. He did something wrong. I discovered he lied to me about some serious issues and caused me to lose trust in him, as a friend even. I immediately confronted him, he got all defensive and brought up the no relationship talk again.
So there were actually Two dealbreakers. I told him I loved him and trusted him, what he did was inexcusable and what he is offering now (like a fwb) I really can’t accept. He absolutely knows how I feel and why I had to break it off. He knows he did a shitty thing. That’s why I see no point talking over coffee after a few days. I’ve said it all, no misunderstanding.
Regarding what I truly want, I right now still hope he comes around. However, I may change my mind as I continue NC and open my other options later now. I try not to think that far and go day by day. As I feel NC helps me refocus on myself without his distraction, gives me a sense of empowerment and determination. It does make a break-up much easier to move on, instead of obsessing with his response.
Alice
However, I do want to get some of my stuff back. He mentioned in his text he still has my stuff as well, to which I didn’t reply. I really don’t feel like initiating contact about this, especially creating an opportunity to see him at his place. I fear losing my emotional balance that I have been trying so hard to obtain in the past week. He probably will try to talk to me and mess up my mind again.
So I am thinking asking a common friend to text him and pick up my stuff for me, so I can avoid any contact at all. He will also know that I’m seriously walking away and he might actually never see me again, now that all business is done. Do you think that’s ok? Or too uncool and rude… Please I need your girls advice. Thank you so much!
Gemini615
Is this stuff you REALLY need back or can you do without it? If you really do need it back, either send a friend to pick it up, or ask him to mail it so that you don’t have to see him.
marie
Alice you sound like a woman with self-awareness and emotional maturity. You are absolutely right in your explanation of why you are doing what you have to. There is no need to meet for coffee, no need to tell him you are going NC.
He is the one that reminded you that you are not in a relationship, and that he is single, therefore, you owe him no further explanation. You are not being uncool or rude here, this is called self-preservation.
The ball is in his court he now knows what you want and how you feel. If he decides that he wants to be on the same page as you, then let him prove it by his actions and not only his words, and even then you need to decide if he is someone you really want to be with.
Too often even though we know that the guy we want to be with may not feel the same we stick around hoping that he will change his mind and end up settling for crumbs, FWB, or to be friend zoned.
Best to walk away with your dignity and self-respect, he is more likely to respect and see your worth. If he really cared or cares about you, he will demonstrate that through actions.
I admire your mind-set on this one.
Go-love
Great decision, go girl, no NC is the best way.
soni
u shld go NC all the way. thumbs up. he will know u mean business and that u are emotionally and mentally strong. if he feels something for u genuinely and wants to give things a serious try, he will be back for sure.
Ellen
Thanks Alice. It stinks when you really care about someone and they can’t offer you what you want. I commend you for walking away. If he really wants to be with you he won’t give up. It’s funny how I can say that to you but can’t do it for myself. I have received great advice from everyone and was getting ready to end it with him and walk away YESTERDAY until I spoke with a friend. She said if you are enjoying yourself and like his company why delete him from your life. I thought about it and kind of agree with that statement. He has always been honest with me and I shouldn’t expect anything more from him now and maybe never. But the question remains why am I settling when i do really want more from this man than he is capable of giving, and will be the one hurt in the end. He texted me around 5:30 p.m. yesterday and said he would be fininshing up at 9 and asked if I wanted to meet. We met up and hung out for a couple of hours, he sang kareoke as I watched in amazement on how he knew all the words to the songs. Went to my place after and we had sex, a few times. He asked me to take the day off and we could stay in bed all day but I told him I couldn’t. I think it’s really too late to hold back from having sex with him so for now it is what it is and I am going to try and look on the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative.
Alice
HI Ellen,
I just wanna remind you, there is no right or wrong choice here if you staying is not hurting anyone. So don’t let anyone judge you and make you feel bad about it.
Enjoy things as it is and cherish the experience. I wish you all the best.
marie
Ellen no judgement here, just lessen your emotional involvement with this guy, and become less available, train yourself emotionally to deal with the heartache that will come when he decides to move on with someone else.
If he is not giving you what you really want now, in this case you said you want more, he most likely will not change his mind. This does not mean he does not like you are care about you, just means you are not the woman he really wants to have a future with.
This is the problem when we stick around because it feels good, and we are having a good time, think about how you will feel when he finds the woman he wants as a girlfriend or falls in love with. Will you be able to deal with the emotional impact of that then?
Ellen
Great advice from both of you. Thank you!! It’s funny how you mention being judged because honestly that’s what makes me feel bad. Being told it will never amount to anything, move on, he’s just using you, etc. It’s hurtful and I feel bad and start thinking about all the negative of the situation. I guess if I feel okay with it, which I do, I shouldn’t worry so much about what people say. I know they are only looking out for my best interests. I will take your advice and lessen the emotional attachment as difficult as that will be. I am looking forward to meeting another guy that wants the same things I want but for now, this guy makes me happy when I am with him. Will I be hurt when he decides to leave – absolutely. I think that’s why I need to continue living my life and take it one day at a time. He is the first “serious” man I have been with since my separation. After my separation, most of the guys who approached me or showed attention were young guys looking for sex with an older woman. Those guys I do not take seriously. Or married guys which I will have nothing to do with at all. Thank you again for all your advice!!
Alice
At the same time, rock his world. Be the best version of yourself around him. Amaze him. Never bring the topic of commitment again.
When you abruptly disappear, hopefully he will realise what he will miss for the rest of his life
Ellen
I’m a pretty happy person most of the time. I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job of being me around him. He’s commented on my personality and how much fun I am to be around, how I fit in with his friends and people he’s introduced me to and what he likes about me is “I make him laugh.” That’s about all I can do and if that’s not enough…oh well. The only time I brought up commitment was when I told him I wasn’t looking for a commitment which really is not the entire truth. I thought I meant it at the time. Thanks and will keep you updated. Please let me know how you make out as well. Good luck to you!
Greenie
I’m not sure why you want to give this guy another chance to commit to you. Didn’t you already say that there were two deal breakers which caused you to lose trust? Why would you want to hitch your star to that wagon? It makes no sense – am I missing something here? I’m not judging you, I simply don’t understand.
Lenore
Ellen-I don’t blame you one bit. I was in a similar situation at the end of last year and I walked away too, and looking back, I really wish I would had put less emphasis on where it was going and would have just enjoyed the ride more. If I could do it all over again, I would have done what you’re doing and also try my damndest (which I don’t even know if I know how to do) to step back emotionally. I would have dated others so my life wouldn’t have revolved around him.
So I don’t judge you one bit but I can’t help to feel scared for you. Once you’re emotionally invested, you’re invested and it’s a gamble. It could work out or you could get terribly hurt. I’m looking at my situation now (as it has taken me all of this year to get over it) that I should just count my blessings because if I had stayed in the relationship, I would have got more hurt than I already did. But really, I’m just telling myself that to feel better about the situation. I regret my decisions and how I acted in the end and now I find myself yearning to be in the place with him again and it hurts.
Good luck!!
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