This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Liz Lemon 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
August 10, 2022 at 4:36 am #935595
I’ve been seeing a guy for about a month now, and things appear to be going well. It’s been very different from my past dating attempts/relationships in a refreshing way. We usually get together about 2-3x a week, I’ve met his one good friend couple (who have invited me to future events), he’s met my one good friend and traveled a good bit to do so, he’s talked about going to future events together. He’s been greeting me with a kiss in front of his friends, even posted and tagged me in an Instagram story, and we always have a date at least tentatively planned before we part ways. I think both of us have a good time together and feel comfortable around the other, and things seem like they’re trending in a good direction.
The one thing is that he’s still active on dating apps. I know he has at least two on his phone now, and he still gets on the one app we met on. I made the mistake of checking something on the app and looked at his profile, and his distance had been updated. It doesn’t seem like he was super active when I was checking (I’ve deleted the app now) but I can’t be 100% sure. I’ve always been anxious (esp with dating), and now all I can think about is him seeing other people and losing interest in me.
Logically I know this isn’t fair. I didn’t ask for exclusivity (though I did tell him I wasn’t seeing anyone else right now), and it has only been a month. In the past I would try to get men to commit when my anxiety got out of hand, but that always ended poorly for me. Im trying to take more time to see if I like him (and if he likes me), and to be sure I want to pursue something long term with him.
I guess I’m just wondering if I should take this as a sign that he may not commit, or if I should just put it out of my head and see how things end up. I’m trying to wait until month two or three to approach the exclusivity topic, but my anxious brain is making it hard not to react.August 10, 2022 at 6:11 am #935596
you should be exclusive (that doesn’t equal commitment ) after you sleep with a guy. The guy I am with asked to be exclusive after 3rd date , but I was still on dating apps and so was he but we both said we won’t be using it.
If you are not exclusive then you should be dating others and generally it is better if the exclusive talk is started by the guy you are dating .
2-3 times a week in a month, that is quite a lot ,you get false sense of intimacy , because you spend a lot of time with him , you are getting attached and it seems like he is still looking , which tbh he should be , because he is single and so are you.
to answer your question he does seem interested but you need to remember , men don’t date to be in a relationship, they date to have some company and sex and if they meet someone they really really like then they will commit unless you meet someone who is a narcissist.August 10, 2022 at 7:18 am #935597
Ewa is right, seeing a guy 2-3 times a week when you’ve only been dating a month is too much. And it’s way too soon to meet friends! You get attached too quickly and feel you know the guy when you actually don’t. That’s the false sense of intimacy. It takes months to really know a guy’s intentions. If you google it, the general advice (from psychology websites) is that you should see a person once a week for the first month or so of dating. It keeps you from rushing in (like you’re doing now).
She’s also totally right that if you’re sleeping together, you should be exclusive. I don’t know if you’re sleeping with him, but that’s a conversation you should have before sex gets involved.
She’s also totally correct that guys don’t generally date to find relationships– that’s not their mindset. They date for fun, companionship, sex — but unlike women they don’t go into dating thinking they have to find a relationship. They commit once they meet a woman and fall for her.
You said “Im trying to take more time to see if I like him (and if he likes me), and to be sure I want to pursue something long term with him” — so why are you stressing? It sounds like you know you need to slow things down because you don’t know the guy well enough yet. You’re moving too fast here, that’s what’s creating the tension in your head. Slow down, talk to other guys (why not, he’s talking to other women) and see how it plays out.
If you’re sexually active with the guy though, you have the right to ask if he’s sleeping with others and ask for sexual exclusivity.