He Goes on "Family Outings" with his child and BabyMomma

Yes. I would say you pretty much are.

His child is always going to come before you. And that woman you so much hate, is the child MOTHER. He is going to always have ties to her and the kid no matter what. So it probably is best you move on.

You could have invited yourself along instead being a martyr. If you adore the kid so much and this man IS you BF, I don’t see why that should be an issue. Have you considered getting closer to this woman rather than pushing her away?

And what’s with the comment about he ‘parade of boyfriends?’ What does that have to do with you? I can only imagine how your anger comes across in your interactions with the BF,
Because the funny thing about jealousy is that your attitude is what’s likely to push your man right back into her arms. Whether she wants him or not. Common adversity tends to bring even strangers closer together. Gets them to pull together for a common cause.

Anyhow, it’s sounds like you broke up with him. So problem is solved.
I assume the other ‘issues’ you have had with him are bigger ones than this?

I wouldn’t be okay with this because of the circumstances regarding conception.

I could understand the point of needing to be understanding if he and the mother were together before or married, had the kid and then split. In that situation there is a bond prior to the child and depending on the age of the child, an attempt to make the split less traumatic for the child.

However, that’s not the situation here. This child is the product of a ONS. I think it’s great that he wants to be a good father to this child but given the circumstances, I would want him to focus on building that connection between he and the child, not creating an insta-family with this woman he hooked up with one night. I get the importance of maintaining a good relationship with the mother of the child but I don’t think you need a bunch of outings as a family when you’re not one.

I think if he was really invested in your relationship, he would want you there too. You shouldn’t have to invite yourself, he should be inviting you. The truth of the matter is, this child is never going to have a traditional upbringing. Unless he wants to try for a relationship with this woman, he would be better off establishing a new ‘normal’ for this child.

Regardless of the way the child was conceived, it has 2 parents. There are always going to be times when they see each other if they want to be good parents. The more they can work together, the more stable that child’s upbringing is going to be. If you can’t support that, it’s better you’ve split up because the child and his mother aren’t going anywhere.

If you need to be number 1 in a man’s heart, don’t have a relationship with a guy who has kids. Unless he’s a bad father and never sees them.

Totally agree with Jules.

Thank you, everybody. I truly appreciate your thoughtful comments.

I have asked to meet the child’s mother, she calls me “that thing” and refuses to meet me. I understand it has to be difficult to have a new person around your little boy, I don’t push.

Most of you have said the child comes first and I absolutely agree. The best advice was planning more activities with me, father, and son. In the mean time most of you said to understand that sometimes there are family things and I will push my BF away with jealousy. AGREED! There are things like “Sitting on Santa’s Lap”… that should be a Mom/Dad first time event and I understand it totally. Easter Egg Hunts? I get it. Halloween? I get it. But weekday excursions “just because”…No. To quote one wise contributor, then, “there’s something I don’t know”.

Thanks again, it’s like having 200 sisters on here! My BF has the day off and the 3 of us are going to the zoo tomorrow.

Michele

Thanks, Evelyn, we posted at the same time. Your point of view is extremely helpful. It’s nice knowing how it feels on the inside. How do your significant others feel about it? Your situation makes more sense because you WERE a family.

m

I wouldn’t be comfortable with “just because” outings…. even if this guy was my bf. I would actually want to know from you how are his boundaries with regards to his ex? Does he let her walk all over him?

Evelyn, I view the baby mama referring to you as “that thing” as a MAJOR red flag. If this was just a one night stand as your boyfriend says and there is nothing more to it, why does she regard you with so much jealousy and resentment? In her shoes, having a child with a one night fling, I would be happy that my baby daddy had a stable girlfriend who loved my son and wanted to spend time with him. Something is wrong here. Like another poster said, there is more to this story than you are hearing.

Your instincts are telling you something is off about this situation. This goes beyond you being jealous of your boyfriend spending time with the mother of their child for his sake. Listen to them. Watch and observe, don’t discount them as your own jealousy. I’ve done that in the past only to learn my initial impression was spot on.

I tend to not agree that baby mama and daddy have to be together so much. I honestly think that the child becoming used to two households is just fine.

I am not saying that there is anything going on, but all this excludes a significant other. If I were serious with a man I would want him to bring the child home and the three of us do our own outings. Of course, once in a while for a special occasion or such it would be fine, but a father can be a father without the mother there.

So, I will agree to disagree.

So how do you know she refers to you as The Thing?

THE UPDATE:

Hanna, I know she calls me “That Thing” because I saw it on Facebook messenger printouts for court regarding the time she refused to let the son come over because I was there.

Lily, your mind is a steel trap. Yes, he never, EVER leaves his phone for a second. If he did, I would land on that sucker like a sumo wrestler and do forensics on it, believe me. He is shady about texting, tilts the phone away from me, goes to the bathroom, once I walked in the bedroom and he sat on it. I think can hear you ALL calling me a moron through your screens.

But I finally hit rock bottom. I took all of your collective advice and had a very nice discussion about boundaries. He wants me there a week on, a week off (to babysit, I now realize), so we are talking a major life change. I told him it would be much more comfortable and I think reasonable if he, the mom, and his son, shared major important events like “Sitting on Santa’s lap,” “halloween”, etc…

Wait for it, wait for it….

He says, “What about going to McDonald’s play land or something?”

I was aghast. So I say to this self-absorbed crazy egomaniac, “Do you mean you guys just meet at Playland on a Tuesday for whatever?”

He says, “I don’t see the difference.”

I had to ask him to explain that to me in several different ways because it was so insane. He said he would ask his friends their opinions, apparently my feelings were not convincing/important. While he talked, I quietly shoved my belongings into grocery bags and grabbed my jewelry. I didn’t want anymore discussions, excuses, B.S.

I’m out, Girl Scouts.

(you should hear him call and say I’m trying to deprive him and son bonding time. LOL. Oh, and then he loves me. LOLOL)

Mich

Woo hoooo! Proud of you! You won’t regret it! Keep on moving and don’t look back yay!!