He doesn't care anymore


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  mama 2 months ago.

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  • #929518 Reply

    Debra

    I’m not sure what advice I’m going to get on this post, but I feel too embarrassed to ask for advice from my friends.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now, although it does feel shorter because of the pandemic we weren’t allowed to see each other for many months. Today, he told me that he feels like we are drifting apart and he doesn’t feel the same level of feelings as he did at the beginning of relationships. I was the one to bring it up that we aren’t talking like we use to and so he brought up how he felt.

    He feels that our dates are a slight burden for him. He described them as a “responsibility “ he has to get through each week. I always try to switch up our dates and do different activities, so I don’t think it’s the date itself. Whereas before he would be looking forward to the time we spent together. He feels as though he has changed a lot of the past year and the time we didn’t spend together (in the pandemic) he learned he can live without me. He mention that he could go months without seeing me and still feel happy.

    I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He responded that he still loves me and still wants to be with me but he is just unsure. I think he has a problem with the relationship but I don’t think he knows what the problem is. I asked him a lot of tough questions tonight and I can tell he still cares a lot about me. He assured me that he wants to make us work but doesn’t know what to do. He knows I care a lot about him and has told me many times before that he doesn’t anyone else more well suited from him than me.

    I love him a lot and I want us to work out so badly. I just don’t know what I can do to make him feel excited about our relationship again. He asked for some space for the next week which I agree I would give him. I also told him to think about what he wants from a relationship.

    It’s kind of surreal to think about this situation because I have heard about it and seen it in the movies but never thought it would happen in my own life. I was thought we both perfect for each other. We respected each other and are attracted to one another. I never felt different about him or our relationship. I guess he views our relationship negatively so every time we hang out it’s not fun for him. I think he doesn’t care like he used, maybe it could be my fault. I realized I was back needy and insure in the last year.

    I know everyone has different views on relationships. Maybe I am naive but I believe if you love and care about each other people should stay together.

    If anyone who’s had a similar situation happen to them, what did you do to make things better?

    #929520 Reply

    Maddie

    Do you know what his dating history has been like? Does he have a pattern of losing feelings in relationships when the woman is fully available to him? Does he have an avoidant attachment style? He may have realized the relationship isn’t for him, but if you’ve been together 2 years and he’s having this much difficulty communicating why he’s feeling this way, it’s probably him not you. Which doesn’t help in regards to you can’t fix it if he has the problem, but it’ll give you a better idea on whether or not things can be salvaged.

    #929521 Reply

    Debra

    We are both each other first serious relationship. He’s told me that he doesn’t find fulfillment in one single person in the past. I think he really is struggling with the relationship and on top of that, his parents are also splitting. He told me this has nothing to do with me and that he is ” having issues”. I’m giving him space and limiting my contact to appear less unavailable. But I fear the worst :(. I know I’ll be okay with the decision but it sucks because he really is my person.

    #929522 Reply

    ginny

    I have a feeling he has been cheating. Dig.

    #929526 Reply

    Zoe

    The harder you try the less he will love you

    #929530 Reply

    Maddie

    He sounds depressed and overwhelmed, between the pandemic and his parents splitting, and like he doesn’t have the right tools to deal with it. But just because he’s trying to figure himself out doesn’t mean you deserve for him to take it out on you. No one ever deserves to be told they’re a burden, and that in itself is enough reason for you to walk away. He’s handling the situation in a terrible and hurtful manner.

    It is also possible that you’re both young, and this may be a natural end to a relationship that isn’t right for him so his feelings have dissipated. Your first relationship teaches you a lot both about what you do and don’t want, even if you can’t verbalize it. If this is the case rather than he is dealing with his mental health, letting go is also best.

    In both scenarios, he is being honest with you that it’s him and not you. Nothing is wrong with you, you didn’t cause the issues, so you also can’t fix them. If you don’t want to leave, the only real course of action you have right now is honoring his request for space and focusing on yourself. If he truly wants to find a way to make this work with you, he probably needs to go to therapy, but you can’t convince him to do that. He has to want to do it for himself.

    Focusing on yourself means doing things you enjoy, that make you feel happy and good about yourself, talking to or hanging out with other people you’re close to. Making sure you have ways to define yourself outside of him, and nurturing your support network outside of him also. Perhaps also creating a timeline in your head for what’s acceptable for you to see some progress in reconnecting in your relationship, and moving on if you haven’t heard from him by that point or things aren’t moving in that direction.

    Something else to think about. You should absolutely be giving him space because he asked you for it — but not to “seem less available.” Romantic relationships are supposed to enhance your life, not diminish you. Feeling you need to walk on eggshells or not be your authentic self after 2 years is a bad sign. If you create a dynamic of playing games to stay with someone, that is how it will work indefinitely, so would you really want that kind of relationship for yourself? You also mentioned you were planning all the date activities. One person can’t shoulder all the responsibility of a two person romantic relationship. There’s a lot of ways he’s not been pulling his weight here, so don’t sell yourself short and take on all of the blame or responsibility.

    #929538 Reply

    mama

    Take that HUGE step back and let him do his thing. Hopefully he uses that space to figure his own stuff out in a way that is helpful for both of you.

    I commend you for giving him that space and not reacting. That’s HARD to do. Start focusing on your own self care and autonomy. You need that as much as he needs it, too.

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