He cancels date twice, should I be worried?


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  • #736023 Reply
    Megan

    I matched with a guy online about 5 weeks ago (beginning of December 2018) and we chatted through the app for 3 weeks before deciding to meet. In the beginning, I responded to him only because I was being polite and nice. I mean yes he looked cute from his profile photos, but I didn’t have sparks or connection whenever we were chatting.

    During those 3 weeks, he asked me 3 times to meet up, in which I declined the first two. But finally said yes because honestly I began to feel curious about him. And I’m glad that I did because the first date went so great, that we decided to go on a second one only few days after that. He mentioned that his intention with me was to have a relationship but of course we had to see where things would lead us. That’s when I thought to myself let’s give this a try. After all, he’s cuter than his photos! He never flirts exaggeratedly but he does throw in sweet phrases like “you’re cute” and “I miss you” here and there.

    Last week Friday, I asked him if he’s free on Saturday to catch up (this would have been our 3rd date). He said he might be occupied with family but would let me know if he’s free in the evening. I waited on Saturday until 5 pm and still no text from him, so I decided to confirm the plan casually. He apologised saying said he couldn’t make it because his family asked a lot of him that day and suggested to meet on Monday instead. I agreed to it although we didn’t discuss the details (time, place, etc).

    Monday morning (this morning) at around 10 am, I sent him a “good morning and how are you” text and he replied saying not feeling the best because he had a bad headache. In short he canceled the date but rescheduled it right away to Wednesday. I offered him my concern and support, but he said he only needed to rest so I let him be. In both events, I said something like “Sure you must put your family first, we can always reschedule” and “As much as I’m missing you, you probably should take rest today” to which he replied “You are such a positive person, I’m happy you are in my life”.

    Should I be worried that he canceled on me twice? Especially because in both days, I’m the one who always asked first if the plan was still on? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt that at least although he canceled, he still wanted to reschedule? Does he sound genuine or too good to be true? Am I thinking too much over this? I honestly liked him more than I thought I would.

    #736024 Reply
    Lurker

    It sounds like he’d never really made firm plans with you in the first place, so perhaps didn’t feel the need to ‘cancel’ a loosely held plan?

    I’d proceed with caution – but i went through a phase with someone where we had to reschedule seeing each other 5 times in a row – and it was worth doing so. But we’d known each other much longer by that point than you have.

    It sounds like you’re not talking much in between dates if it’s you reaching out to confirm plans?

    I’m sure lots of the people here will tell you he’s got low interest, but it really depends on his situation – families can be demanding, and everyone gets ill. He sounds an awful lot like my FWB tbh!! What does your gut say?

    The best thing I can say is proceed with caution, don’t give your heart too easily; and see what happens about Weds.

    #736031 Reply
    anon

    So…. “busy with family” to me, is a BS excuse unless he is taking care of sick parents or actively has custody of kids. I’ve found that dads with partial custody who are serious are good about booking dates when they don’t have the kids. They don’t do the “I might be able to go out tonight, we’ll see”.

    I’d back all the way off and focus on your other options. You are doing too much work and I’m one who is OK with taking a little initiative. If a guy cancels it should be followed up with a date/time/place. Not something vague. And early on, guys are on their best behavior- and he blew you off on Saturday.

    I don’t think this guy is playing you, and he probably means well, but he is putting in zero effort. And I would not be “worried” about losing this guy- which is why you should ALWAYS have other options until you are in a committed relationship.

    #736043 Reply
    Louise

    I’ve noticed my FWB will confirm first thing in the morning if he’s sure we’re seeing each other, but if something’s come up, he’ll hedge, and not mention it until later in the day – though he always gives me reasonable notice if we do need to reschedule. And we do often have to reschedule. Mainly because I’m a secret and he’s from South Aisa and if Mama summons him, she shalt be obeyed and all other plans go out the window. He’s got really poor emotional boundaries with her and his siblings. I’m told by other friends from the region that it’s really common.

    I guess my point is – even if the family reason is genuine, do you want to get into something with someone who will drop everything and go running?

    #736079 Reply
    anonymous

    Hmmm. I think — if you like him — you should leave it to him to ask you out and make plans. You took time to warm up to him, and he’s learned that is how you are, so [in my opinion] you might do better letting him continue to pursue you instead of the other way ’round. That’s probably part of why he’s drawn to you. Let him keep doing that. Evidence presented supports that. ;)

    As a woman, I always thought that was complete bullsh** until I sat back and tried it to see what happened. The guys I wanted really did try to make things happen if I let them. Could it really be that simple? Me letting them take the lead? Correction: Me letting them [THINK] they were taking the lead when they really weren’t? Fascinating.

    Try it with this guy, he might really like pursuing you again. :) And he may turn out to be a great guy!

    #736082 Reply
    Khadija

    I agree with the other you need to take a step back and let him come to you.

    Right now you are doing all the work which is causing you to wonder and worry.

    When he said he might be free you should have made other plans and not waited around. If you don’t have a time and place then there is no date.

    Going forward he needs to make actual plans with you. As of now Wednesdays sounds up in the air because their is no time or place set.

    Until he shows you he is someone to have your full attention, keep meeting others. You weren’t too keen on him to begin with.

    #736086 Reply
    Jenny OG

    I’d take a step back and see if HE follows through/pursues Wed. If he does, adjust your pace, observe his efforts, & invest accordingly *”As much as I’m missing you”…? Huh? You’re “missing me” after only seeing me TWO times…? That would be a strange and discouraging statement to me. It would make me uncomfortable bc even if I did enjoy another’s company, I would conclude their investment is a bit stronger than mine and I’d be afraid of hurting them by the fact that I’m simply not “there” yet nor can I at that time guarantee I’ll ever be there bc frankly, I just don’t know you well enough to gauge LONG-TERM interest yet. I get that he says “I miss you” also but notice how that phrase isn’t really confirmed by any type of action like it is on your end *you initiating meetups and following through. Back off till Wed. If HE doesn’t confirm the meetup and take a step in from HIS end, move on. Men are almost obsessive in the beginning about locking down time w you bc we all know how dating goes, dates are a dime a dozen these days. If you accept the breadcrumbs now, don’t be surprised when that’s all you get. You have to give off a CLEAR impression that IF he wants you around, the only way that’s going to happen is by sheer effort PERIOD. Good luck! Hope he follows through and this was a coincidental fluke. If not, these “cancelled” dates were not by accident.

    #736088 Reply
    Jenny OG

    I always say I trust others intentions but not blindly. Meaning it’s entirely possible that he had family stuff then came down w a headache. That’s life, sometimes you’re just not “feeling it” BUT if that’s the case, when you’ve recovered, your actions reflect your intentions. If you miss me, come see me, if you love me, show it, if you care, I should feel it. If I don’t, I don’t buy it *or your expressions aren’t suited to mine = it’s not gonna work

    #736092 Reply
    Zoe

    Why are you asking him out and initiating and you only met once?
    Why are you desperate? I dont know if you can recover from it. But if you want to you should STOP initiating anything at all and ONLY RESPOND when a man message you so early on

    #736093 Reply
    Jenny OG

    And another thing I noticed and appreciated when dating was that w texting and all these other informal modes of communication, “Good morning” “I miss you” blah blah blah could yes, be genuine but are also the most generic and mass sent texts out there. It’s almost a running joke that you and the other 10 girls he’s seeing all get the exact same “Good Morning beautiful. Have a good day!” texts. Copy, paste, paste, paste, paste. Lol. When a man communicates through these outlets and references you BY NAME, that kind of personalization speaks volumes

    #736099 Reply
    T from NY

    I know you will get some advice that you should just be straightforward and just communicate — that you can’t say the wrong thing, to the right guy. And I believe all that.

    BUT men are not women. They show most of their interest in action and not words. You have to watch, and WAIT, and observe both over TIME.

    You have been in full-on chase mode because a guy showed interest, took you on a couple of good dates and said a few pretty words to you.

    You started on the wrong track when you asked him to hang on a Saturday night. That communicated two things to him: one you had no other plans during prime time dating time (not that most of us do, most weekends, but still…) AND that you were already invested more than he was — because obviously if you were on the same page (with each other and with your respective lives) he would have secured a date with him. THEN when he says he’d let you know about plans that night — you initiate a text again, instead of letting him come to you. And then lo and behold — when HE didn’t reach out to confirm Monday evening (after no communication from him over the weekend correct?) you initiated a text AGAIN.

    Men show their interest by spending time with you. Even if this fellow liked you and truly had some family situation going on, your actions in not allowing him to live his life and give focus to what he chooses to give focus to – can be a huge turn off. The best thing any woman can do when dating is absolutely NOTHING. Yes. That’s right – nothing. Other than being receptive and make it clear you are interested when the man does reach out. Until a man makes you his girlfriend and several months goes by — it’s better to let men lead.

    I would NOT reach out again. I would be surprised if another date results. And even if it does — very surprised if anything significant develops. (Unless by some miracle he decides to give it a shot. But please let him lead if so. It’s the only way to know a mans true interest) I mean all this advice as just that – advise. No judgment. Good luck

    #736119 Reply
    Megan

    Thank you for all the input, I appreciate it. I really need to see things from different perspectives. Now that I have read all of your opinions, I do think that I need to take a step back from him and see if he’s willing to make efforts going forward. If he wants to see me, he will move mountains to make it happen right? (Of course it’s just an expression). Deep down I actually know that he’s making low, if not zero, efforts. I just need some reassurance that I’m not the only one having negative thoughts about this. And you guys speak it out.

    As for why am I initiating date on Saturday night? Earlier that week, he suggested that we should catch up on the weekend. Plus because he initiated the first 2 dates, I thought I was just returning the favour by showing him that I’m also interested in spending time with him. But now that some of you have mentioned it, did I seem desperate? Looking back, keeping my Saturday open and worse, confirming the loosely held plan to him, was definitely a mistake. I should have him made a lead like you all said.

    I will update you guys. But thanks again for all the opinions. Now I really need to just sit back and watch him make a move from his end. More opinions and feedback are still welcome, I’m happy to read your perspectives on this situation. Thanks a lot!

    #736122 Reply
    Khadija

    In the meantime don’t put yourself in a place that you are waiting around.

    Do you have other dates lined up?

    Perhaps go out with your girlfriends, you are single and should be meeting people.

    This may not pan out and the last thing you want is waste time seeing what he does.

    #736131 Reply
    Jenny OG

    Megan, I actually am not necessarily ANTI initiation or anti the Sat suggestion… it is what some would call “forward”, but God knows I can’t help but express what ‘I’ want = if I wanna see you Sat, I say so. I’m personally very conscious of my time so have no qualms about spending Sat nights alone because let’s not play, if that’s the case it’s not due to a lack of options, it’s because my own company is more appealing than any invitation I’ve recieved or what I would rather do isn’t available. The reason I’m not supportive in THIS instance is because mutual investment and rapport hasn’t been established yet so it’s almost all accommodation with zero enticement. That’s not a personal reflection of YOU but rather a natural human response. WHY should he spend Sat w you, what can YOU specifically provide him with that he can’t find on his own?? *& if sex is your answer, understand that’s not too hard to come by these days. But furthermore, before initiating Saturday, what’s HIS appeal? I think to myself, are YOU more enjoyable than my friends, my family, my dog??! Lol. If not, no gracias! They say when you know what you bring to the table, you have no problems eating alone. You’ll be fine. There’s still potential here but only if you check yourself and maintain your dignity. If someone else can’t see your worth, deem them unworthy and carry on. Dating should be FUN. When something becomes more negative than positive, it’s time to take your toys and play elsewhere. Lol. Keep us posted! :)

    #736156 Reply
    anon

    The problem was not with you, the problem is that he treated your time with a lack of respect. You asked him out Saturday, he hedged, then not only did he not accept, he didn’t let you know it wasn’t going to pan out. It takes what, 30 seconds to text someone- this is not moving mountains.

    So basically he isn’t putting forth any effort to give you his time, which can maybe be forgiven when someone is busy. But also, you either aren’t on his mind, or he doesn’t care enough to “check in”.

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