He broke up with me, reaches out now and then but also ghosts

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Liz Lemon 1 month ago.

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  • #795807 Reply

    Jo K.

    A little over 2 months ago, my exclusive boyfriend of 3 months requested space. He didn’t say for how long, but he was vague about why. He told me he was happy with our relationship, but not happy with himself or who he had started to become . He told me he loved me (we had already said “I love you” many times by this point). 12 days later, he completely ended things with me.

    The main thing he mentioned during our break up: he felt like I was holding him back from going into the military. That may sound selfish of him, but the truth is– I ENTERED THE RELATIONSHIP KNOWING HE WANTED TO GO BACK IN!

    We agreed on all the weightier topics (our faith, boundaries, life goals– marriage and kids, etc.). All except the military. In the beginning of the relationship, I felt I’d be ok with him going in. But that was also before we had begun to discuss marriage and starting a family. Once those realities set in, so did my fears. TBH, I always kinda envisioned myself marrying a guy in the military or something like that. The main reason for the fear was due to some other TOTALLY unrelated things going on in my life (my family life was very volatile at the time, COVID was in its peak, etc.) and the stress of those things and fears kinda piled up.

    I love him and now I’m 100% ok with the idea of him being in the military, but we’re not together anymore. I want to get back with him. We had a very powerful, unique connection. We “get” each other like no one else gets us. We share most of the same life goals and values. We love each other’s families and vice versa. We enjoyed being with each other, etc. And I KNOW he loved me in our relationship. His actions matched his words 24/7 and he showed he cared. He feels like the right man, but not the right time.

    Now, I went into NC after our break up. I had a mishap about a week later when I took a screenshot of something on his Snapchat (totally forgetting it would send him a notification). All he responded with was a “?” and so I left it alone.

    Then about 3-5 days after that, he texts me “hey”. I took the bait, because I didn’t know what else to do. :P And he asked what was going on with me and I shared one sentence about my week. He then proceeded to say, “depending on what time I get off and how tired I am [he works 12+ hour shifts in construction], wanna go to [restaurant]?” I told him I’d like that. He texted back about an hour later to say, “I actually have a friend’s graduation tonight, so it will have to probably be tomorrow night.” I told him that sounded great.

    Next day rolls around. Not a word from him.

    A couple of weeks later, I sent him a brief letter in the mail acknowledging how I’d messed up some things in our relationship and thanking him for treating me so well. At the end said “I want to make it up to you. I hope you will give me the chance…”

    A month passed and still nothing. All the while, I maintained no contact.

    This past Monday morning, I woke up to see that I had missed a FB messenger phone call from him around 1am. I thought it was an accidental call, but I was talking to my sisters about it and my oldest sister told me that she’d had a missed call from him too. I was like, “I hope everything is ok!” (I thought his pawpaw/aka his best friend maybe passed away or something). Then my other sis told me he’d called her and that she’d actually talked to him. She said he sounded like he was “not ok” and that he was coherent but seemed desperate, that he wanted to talk to me and that he said he “needed to talk” to me. She explained how I turn my phone off at night and he’d have to wait to talk to me until the morning.

    So later Monday morning, I messaged him on FB and said “I’m at work right now, but I’ll return your call on my lunch break”. So I did. He didn’t answer and I wasn’t able to leave a message.

    Tuesday morning rolls around and still no word back. My counselor prompted me to call him again since he’d been in such distress and my first calls maybe hadn’t gone through (he has spotty service at work sometimes). So, I called him again and this time was able to leave a message.

    Two days have passed and I still haven’t heard from him. His mom (who is like my second mom!!) texted me last night and asked me if I would watch their dog while they’re out of town this weekend. I said I would check in on the dog for them. I’m positive that if anything bad had happened to my Ex’s grandpa, my Ex’s mom would’ve told me. My Ex’s mom knows that I know the grandparents and that I love them like my own family. So, that leaves me to conclude that my Ex was calling me the other night for SOME other reason. Drunk dial? Who knows.

    His social media still shows him to be single.

    I need help deciphering. Does it seem that my Ex still cares about me, still loves me?

    #795810 Reply


    You need to let this guy go. He does not sound like he is ready for a committed relationship at all. He’s essentially only reaching out to you when he’s bored, possibly drunk, and also because he knows you’ll respond and be there whenever.

    You shouldn’t have sent him a letter, and you shouldn’t be following each other on social media. All of these will just hold you back from getting over him.

    I’ve had a few friends who married and dated military guys. I can tell you that their career always comes first and there is a lot of sacrifices their families have to make. I’m not saying women or men shouldn’t date military, I’m saying you really need to know and understand what you’d be getting into before making such a commitment.

    If the guy can’t even commit to you, then why would you want to be with someone like that? You need to let him go and move on with your life.

    #795820 Reply

    Jo K.

    I should add:

    He knows I am not the type of girl who would respond to a “booty call” and he has always respected my boundaries when it comes being physically involved. So, I don’t think that this phone call would’ve had anything to do with that.

    #795823 Reply

    Jo K.

    He was VERY committed and consistent in our relationship. Not only did his family tell me that I was the only girl (he’s dated several other girls previous to me) that he brought to meet the family, but he’s also the one who initiated conversations about marriage and having a family. And those weren’t just words. He was making plans towards making things happen. He’d even bought an engagement ring (hadn’t proposed yet).

    I know he’s still young, but getting married/having a family are both two of his biggest life goals. However, I also know going into the military was also way up there on the list for him. I realize that I needed to be more informed about what all is involved in a military/LDR before going into it and I really did make an effort to learn more while we dated. Not in time, though, apparently.

    #795864 Reply


    You are neglecting the most important part which is that he broke up with you. And you seem to think thats temporary because now you are all fine with the military. But thats in your head.
    The reality is that he broke up with you because he realized he doesnt see a future with you. He was too hasty declaring you his gf and backpaddled. Its very common seeing your time line. Google 7 steps a guy falls in love. So the military might play a part but its probably not all. And now the amount of time broken up is almost as long as the during of the relationship. And he has troed zero to get you back, zero. All you know is hearsay from sisters. Make a clear break with this guy AND his family. Your feelings like she is your second mom is a bit creepy honestly if you know her for a few months. All it does is feed you with hope but you are better off detaching for now. Take care

    #795894 Reply


    You are doing everything WRONG because you are “thinking” like a woman, but that is now how a man thinks.

    Men do not connect the same way a woman does. All those things you listed isn’t how a guy decides to be with a woman or not, where in many cases, they will still get into a relationship or marry a woman who has the opposite values they do because men connect on a very *primal level* where it starts out with physical attraction (a must), and then how the woman makes him FEEL when he’s in her presence. The problem with this is that its often based on lust/infatuation (look it up), where it *feels* a lot like love but it is not, its actually superficial and literally one day they will wake up and say “I don’t see a future with this woman.” However, what the man is really saying is “I don’t want to sleep with only this woman for the rest of my life”. This is why a woman needs to get smart about men, and keep her wits about her especially during the lust/infatuation stage (first few months).

    I’ve gone through this myself, when I was young (around 21), where we fell in love super fast, were planning our wedding within a few months, and then BAM—its like he intentionally sabotaged it by sleeping with someone. I was very hurt but the one thing I did not do is beg, grovel, plead or try to get him back in anyway because I knew I deserved better! The kicker is, we were both in the military at the time but the life lesson I learned from this experience, is “only fools rush in” so from thereon I refused to get swept up like that again.

    From became the turtle (not the hare), by taking my sweet time because until we surpassed the lust/infatuation stage (beyond six months) only then I could be pretty sure of a man’s true feelings. My ex husband also tried to push it, very early, like the fiance I discussed above did but I held fast, and didn’t allow it. Nope, I waited 2.5 to finally marry him, who by the way was military career man, who I met when in the military and stationed together, whereas that marriage lasted over 20 years.

    My advice to you is to STOP any and all attempts at chasing this man! You MUST take the “out of sight, out of mind” approach by going fully NC (no contact), including social media, so he can FULLY FEEL what his life without you in it truly feels like! The one thing men value, and is high on their “list of needs” is *RESPECT*. The moment they lose respect for you, its over in their eyes. Grovelling, begging, pleading or trying to make them come back makes you look needy, desperate and pathetic in their eyes which is NOT the way you want to make a man feel about you. When you do, they will treat you like a doormat—someone he can wipe his feet all over knowing you will accept any bad treatment he throws your way. Don’t be that type of woman!

    Take back your dignity and self-respect, now. Be the confident, strong, and take no crap from anyone woman, especially with a man, and you’ll be in a position to choose better men who know if they don’t treat you like a queen, you will walk away because you have a healthy self-esteem, know your worth, and that you will never sacrifice it for your personal well being, or long-term happiness. Trust me on this—it is far better being SINGLE than being in a crappy relationship! Been there, done that, will never do it again!

    #795897 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Newbie nailed it. You’re ignoring the most important fact: he broke up with you. You can rationalize all the reasons you want, but the bottom line is, a man who sees a future with you does not break up with you.

    It’s very common for relationships to end around 3-4 months of dating. If you browse this site for any length of time, you’ll see a lot of women posting who have been dating a guy for around that length of time, who are having problems. The honeymoon period begins to fade and the rose-colored glasses come off after several months. Reality sets in and the guy starts to really think about whether he sees a long-term future with you. Many relationships don’t survive past the first few months.

    And as Newbie also said, you’ve been broken up now for almost as long as you were together. And he’s done nothing substantial to try to get you back. Three months of dating is nothing, no matter how strong your feelings were. It’s just not that long of a time to be talking about marriage and family. And from the tone of your post I take it that you’re very young (probably in your early 20s)? That’s way too young to be talking about marriage and family, in my opinion. Especially with a guy you’ve dated for 3 months.

    I know this hurts but I think the best thing for you is to take some space and distance yourself. His mom should not be your second mom, you should distance yourself so that you can heal. You should move on and date other guys. When you find a guy who is into you and sees a future with you, he will not be wishy washy, believe me! In the future just give it more time before you start talking marriage and family with a guy. Don’t have those conversations after only 3 months of dating. You get too invested that way.

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