This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Alice 10 months, 2 weeks ago.
January 18, 2023 at 6:26 am #940147
Background – I was in a relationship from 15 to 28 with the same guy. Married 5 years.
First relationship after – guy I had known on a professional basis initially. He is 47.
Spent over 4 months getting to know each other. Seen each other 4 times during (long distance).
Always red flags – big ego initially and said weird things such as you can either handle me or you can’t. I’m the most powerful person I know yet I am broken. My ex wife knows everything I am just watching. Note he has had several failed relationships. Had been separated several years and recently divorced. Communication would be good and then he would dissappear for a few days. He has a busy job so I didn’t make a fuss initially but found it odd.
During this time I learned about situationships, ghosting and attachment styles.
We were messaging one time and he’d said about ghosting for several weeks and coming back as a better man, everyone wins when your better. I’d replied and said no because that is hurtful. Be said I’m sorry, I never want to hurt you.
He lives by the less you care the happier you are. Said as long as you don’t love, you don’t hurt. And implied that he was unable to feel anything. (Note was in the army and has issues relating to this).
On my third visit to him he took me to his friend’s restaurant.
4th visit I went there again. Had a really good evening etc.
The next day he dropped me at the station. I text him once on train saying Thank you. He replied anytime and Thank you too Babe.
Messaged to let him know I was home. No response but I had got used to this so wasn’t concerned.
I didn’t message for 2 days as knew he was busy closing his clinic. Planned to call mid week as he had a procedure planned. Get a message early hours of the morning saying you ok. Just checking as you may not have enjoyed our last night as much as I thought. Kiss emoji and then a message that I’d left my jacket. I replied straight away. No response.
Tried to call the next day as planned. No answer. Text saying hope procedure (lens change) goes OK.
He responded that it had been that day (which I knew but he’d said when I was with him that it was on the Wednesday and then later said the Thursday. I said OK, hope he feels better soon, told him to get some rest.
Reached out few days later to see how he was. No response.
I had planned to go see him on the Sunday. He said he wasn’t feeling up to company. (I had a feeling he was playing me at this point). I didn’t respond to his message and left him.
No message on my birthday. I wished him a merry Xmas, no response.
Wished him a happy new year.
I’d seen a quote that he had liked that indicated he had been chasing someone and was done. So I had said I hope the one he was chasing finally sees his worth. And wished him well.
9 days later he messages. I’m not chasing anyone. The right one won’t run.
Like I am so confused by this guy. But equally do not have much relationship experience.
Note I am not perfect and do overthink.
What is this?January 18, 2023 at 6:32 am #940148
Note – after the I never want to hurt you message I’d said for him to stop giving me mixed messages.
And it was after this that we saw each other. He knew I had feelings for him and still saw me again.January 18, 2023 at 8:32 am #940149
Hi @Alice, After all of the red flags, ‘mixed’ messages, warnings & general BS from this guy you actually already know the answer…
Are You single or still separated?January 18, 2023 at 8:59 am #940150
I am separated and it’s complicated in terms of divorce and child. Which the guy was aware of.
When I was with him he was great. Like nothing I’d experienced before. Just really odd and with my little experience of dating it’s messed with my head.
I reached out after his last message for him to do the same thing an ignore.January 18, 2023 at 9:29 am #940151
You asked “what is this?” It’s a huge waste of your time, that’s what it is. Surely you see that, or you wouldn’t be posting here.
You’ve only seen this guy 4 times in 4 months. He’s flaky and inconsistent and, in your words, weird and with a big ego. Your gut is telling you he’s playing you- listen to your gut!
How long have you been separated? I think you should focus on ending your marriage and taking some time for yourself. You’ve spent half your life with the same person and now you’re chasing someone 20 years older than you, who isn’t even good for you.
I personally think you shouldn’t be dating. Take some time alone and process the end of your marriage before you jump back into it. There is general advice on this website (that we give to women who post here) about dating separated/divorced men, and I think it applies to separated/divorced women too. That is– before you consider dating a person, he/she should be divorced for a year– as in, the papers have been signed for at least a year. Longer if they were with the person for a long time, like you were. So honestly I think you need to get your divorce settled and be alone for 1-2 years before you even consider dating. Especially since you were with your husband since you were 15– you were still a child then! You haven’t been single as an adult. So take some time to do that and figure out who you are and what you want. That’s my honest opinion.January 18, 2023 at 9:30 am #940153
Just re-read your 2nd post and realized there’s a child involved. That’s even more reason to step away from dating and focus on getting your affairs in order.January 18, 2023 at 9:33 am #940154
firstly you did too much chasing , way too much. he is 47 I am not sure how old are you but it seems like he is great manipulator aka has experience with women. The fact that he was in the army and can’t feel anything ? I mean I know a lot of army men and never heard this one before so he clearly was not open to anything serious with you , was emotionally unavailable.
4 months and 4 dates that is not enough for any men to bond as men bond through activities /spending time together , this is why you see men texting and then disappearing and not being bothered about it because for them texting doesn’t mean much.
when you were with him (4 times) he was great but then he was disappearing for days, a man who wants you will never do that, he will actively pursue you, you won’t have to do any chasing, all you will have to do is sit back and respond if you are interested that is.
please read some books , one of them is really good called ‘he is not that into you’. It helped me a lot.January 18, 2023 at 10:09 am #940157
Thank you. I appreciate the input.
4 times was because we spent 2 months talking. Texting, hours on the phone via calls.
Then I saw him 3 times in October. Then again in November. It wasn’t always easy due to distance (190 miles), my childcare and he is out of the country regularly.
I’d not done the what are we as I was simply happy with what it was. We see each other when we can. And also didn’t want to push him as he comes across as this broken man, with deep insecurities. And he likes to be independent.
I just didn’t expect him to be such a coward and wish I understood his messages.
Not sure I want to date at all after this experience. Just focus on my child.January 18, 2023 at 3:09 pm #940165
This sounds very much like a rebound relationship on your end — you are way more invested about someone who’s not as invested in you. You’d probably see that if you were in a different mental place.
You are in a lonely place while going through the divorce process (it’s tough and no one is trying to give you a hard time about that). But it’s messing up your perspective.
Take care of your kid.
Work out the divorce, custody, money issues.
Learn the challenges of being a single parent.
Learn how to balance it all.
Get some therapy.
Maybe in a few years you’ll see why this guy is complete BS and him ghosting you is a gift. Use this time for yourself. Work on yourself.January 18, 2023 at 6:46 pm #940167
“He lives by the less you care the happier you are. Said as long as you don’t love, you don’t hurt.”
I agree with the other posters that you have a lot going on before you should jump back into dating. Once you’re more ready, if you ever hear a man say this to you again, run. This is high emotional unavailability… why would you want a man who thinks you shouldn’t care or love?? How would you expect someone like that to treat a partner? (Probably exactly as he is… ghosting, confusion, lack of support, lack of consistency, lack of respect). Relationships should add value to your life, like a cherry on top, not drain you of energy. You may not have much dating experience yet, but do not accept a man who doesn’t want a relationship if you want one. You deserve better.January 19, 2023 at 2:52 am #940169
Thank you all.
It was just a situation that happened. I wasn’t looking for anything at the time. We just started talking and it went from there. As mentioned I knew him and met him on few occasions on a professional basis.
I just took it as he has gone through a lot in life and was guarded. I was happy to just see how it panned out.
But I also hang on words. And the message he sent me after I saw him is in my head all the time at the minute. I don’t understand why anyone would send it.
Then the right one won’t run message.
It would of just been adult if he could of communicated properly! At his age.
I will not be doing any dating for a long time. Don’t worry.January 19, 2023 at 9:14 am #940170
It’s really a shame that so many men act like this these days. It is as if it has become an epidemic for men not to care, to remain at arm’s length with women, even the ones they are sleeping with. I don’t know if all of these men are damaged, or if they have heard in this modern culture it is best not to care, to not become too involved…January 19, 2023 at 11:52 am #940172
It seems your the only one who keeps travelling to meet. Other thing is you seem to be making all the efforts to stay in touch. Thirdly you hv pointed out so many characteristics of the guy that are not very complimentary..fourthly you are also in the midst of sorting out your personal issues.
Why did you drag this for so long? If a guy is like this and you know it, then why are you making so much efforts? Shldnt you instead be using all your efforts to sort out your life? Why are you adding more stress and uncertainty?
I can understand dating casually at such times to take your mind off and destress. But chasing this guy? Why?January 19, 2023 at 12:51 pm #940174
Being guarded isn’t a good trait in a developing romantic situation. Relationships need openness and vulnerability to grow in a healthy way. Taking things at a speed slow enough to get to know each other over time and build trust is good, but having high walls up (especially at a more advanced age when someone is hopefully an emotionally mature adult who can process their own feelings) is a big red flag. This is in part because the walls are projections from the past that have nothing to do with the new person, so the new person is set up to fail. That’s why it’s bad to start things up with an emotionally unavailable person if there’s any possibility of feelings growing to be more than casual / go with the flow.
One situation not working out isn’t the worst thing to happen, because you’ve learned exactly where you’re at and some traits you’re not looking for when you’re ready to date again. It shouldn’t scare you off of dating forever or make you hypervigilant and distrustful, just show you that it’s very important for both people to have themselves and their lives together already when they connect so things don’t go sideways.January 20, 2023 at 3:57 am #940180
Apologies – it was December (November was a typo) I saw him last. Then I got that weird last night message. Tried to see him once more and got I’m not up to company so left it.
Wished him merry Xmas because I’m the better person.
Wished him happy new year and all the best to leave him in 2022.
He was then the one to message me again!
I would go to him, first time I had an appointment in the area. Others just due to my child been at home.
I guess not everything is black and white.
It was new to me, as are all these terms ghosting, situationships, emotionally unavailable etc.
People lead busy lives but I just ended up matching his efforts.
He’d been through trauma as I have and I just gave him the benefit of the doubt.
My head would tell me one thing but my heart the other.
Thank you all for your input.