This topic contains 195 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Deb 2 years, 3 months ago.
June 5, 2015 at 1:41 pm #433538
And not putting ourselves first! Once we put our wants/needs first, it really changes the game.
I wish I could impress on every poster here how important it is to just simply put ourselves first when it comes to these men. Serious boyfriends, husbands, children, go ahead and give our all within reason. But men that haven’t proven themselves don’t deserve this energy.June 5, 2015 at 1:43 pm #433539
So I think it’s fair enough to be wwailing why didn’t he like me, what did I do.
It sounds very fresh. Maybe she’s not ready to move on and needs time to think. What’s wrong with that?June 5, 2015 at 1:46 pm #433543
Nothing! I was the BIGGEST pathetic mess about two years ago. That’s when I found this site. I was actually wanting to hypnotize myself or something so I could get over him. It was horrible!! But now, I am truly grateful I went through it. And im better for it. That’s what I wish for Alex. But she has to do the work.June 5, 2015 at 1:50 pm #433545
Gemini… great post and I respect the good advice you give on this site… may I just say to you though – unless you live in the UK and know how hard it is to get help when you are suffering depression, the editorial comment on “a bit overboard” wasn’t necessary. I wasn’t implying she was suicidal just because I was. I never thought for one minute she was suicidal, just suffering deep depression, which is a miserable state to live in.
I was just sharing my story which IS quite a bit to show that I really had problems and found solutions. And if I can do it others can too, it is possible. That was it. My mistake to get involved with this thread.June 5, 2015 at 1:57 pm #433547
Sarah, there is NOTHING wrong with her wanting to vent. But she has shared other information – i.e. she doesn’t brush her teeth, sleeps in her clothes – that are clear and strong indicators of depression. She stated she’s been to the doctor and didn’t get any help and that the counseling line she tried was no help. This was greatly concerning to me because it SOUNDED like she was depressed and knew it and was attempting to get help. Also the way she talks and responds to others here and goes around in circles are clear signs of depression. In short, she wasn’t acting like all the wanted to do was vent at all, nor did she state that until SIX PAGES into this thread. It seemed like she was seeking and needed more help than just venting about a man.
As it’s been said, this forum is geared to those who are seeking assistance and resolution to a problem. We responded accordingly. We are all here voluntarily because we care about one another and we want to help. Those of you who want to listen to her from hereon in are welcome to do so. Some of us, particularly those who have been here a long time, see it differently. It’s not up to me to judge Alex or tell her to go elsewhere as long as there are people responding to her. We are all at where we are at in this moment. I’ve been in her spot more than once. All I know is it’s not about the guy… but for her right now it is so let it be and you carry on with her. She’ll grow at her own pace. I only want to see everyone happy and healthy and in good relationships here.June 5, 2015 at 1:59 pm #433548
Stefanie I appreciate where you are coming from and I think Alex should be very grateful that you went out of your way to provide the information you did to her. I live in the US, so no, I am not familiar with the health care system in the UK. Here it is relatively easy to get help, especially if you have insurance, so I appreciate you clarifying.
The reason I felt you went overboard was only of my own opinion because I predicted (and it turned out to be true) that Alex would not accept the help you were giving her. Instead she turned on you and said you made this about yourself. I think it was a waste of time for you to go through such lengths to help someone who has demonstrated that she does not truly want help but just wants people to justify her feeling sorry for herself. I do understand that you had good intentions though.June 5, 2015 at 2:01 pm #433549
I have not been on this forum for a while. I have never seen anything like it.
It sounds very fresh. She sounded upset. She wanted to talk about him. When I got dumped in 2012 it took me a long time. You need to go through it and talk it and come to terms.
She has been told
1. He didnt want you
2. JUst forget it
3. When she wanted to talk more: you aren’t listening we’re not talking to you at all.
4. When she mentioned prior history of depression someone treated her as if she was little miss overdose when she had never really said it was severe to the extent that she was a danger to herself.
5. The thread changed to get help or shut up we’re not listening.
Just think about how you’ve behaved towards a girl who was already feel quite down.
Do you think it is fit behaviour to do that to her.
A lot of you sound forum hardened if that makes sense. You’ve been around alot so you’re tired of it. Sounds like you’ve been around too long.June 5, 2015 at 2:13 pm #433552
Sarah, maybe you aren’t too familiar with the forum, but the purpose is to help people find resolution and clarity for their issues. The OP got dumped and her first question is “will he come back”. The women who post here offering advice do so with the intent to help people deal with their relationships in a healthy, constructive way. There is nothing healthy about enabling and encouraging someone to continue focusing on a guy who rejected her. She didn’t come here saying she was heartbroken and can we help her move on. She just wanted to know if he’ll come back, why doesn’t he want her, what did she do wrong, etc. She was focusing on the wrong thing. And anyone who tried helping her has been trying to redirect her focus to NOT be on this guy, but to instead work on loving herself enough to know when to walk away from a situation that is not benefiting her.
We are not her friends or family who can sit with her in a circle while she cries and pat her on the back and tell her everything is going to be ok. THOSE are the people you lean on when you want to be coddled. But most people come on this forum looking for objective opinions and advice on their situation; a lot of posters have stated that they came here because they want an unbiased opinion that they cannot get from their family or friends.
No one here is trying to be mean. We have all lived and learned her exact situation. But she does not want to learn how to move on in a healthy way.June 5, 2015 at 2:18 pm #433553
When I got dumped in 2012 my first thought was wi he come back and I asked everyone that. It’s natural.
This isn’t a real break up it’s an fwb who’s met someone. Fair comment will he be back…..when he’s single and horny, maybe. But maybe not.
Has anyone else had an on/off fwb?June 5, 2015 at 2:18 pm #433554
Did she need to say she was heartbroken? She sounded it.June 5, 2015 at 2:25 pm #433557
“This isn’t a real break up it’s an fwb who’s met someone. Fair comment will he be back…..when he’s single and horny, maybe. But maybe not.”
The above is very true, and this is answer myself and other posters gave her. So we DID answer her questions, but there was no progress happening. That’s always the goal, is to work through the issue, help the OP understand, find answers, accept the situation… some progress needs to happen. There has been none because she wants to stay stuck in this phase.
I can respect that, however, it goes against the purpose of forum and now she is losing people who are willing to participate because most of us, with the exception of a small few, have reached our limit. When it’s clear this isn’t going anywhere, it’s time to bow out and let the OP deal with this how she feels is best.June 5, 2015 at 2:34 pm #433561
Sarah: ever been depressed? Clinically depressed?? Live in the UK?June 5, 2015 at 2:45 pm #433564
Gemini, thank you for clarifying and you are absolutely right. I will be a lot more mindful of what I say. I had left this forum and this thread is reminding me of why I did and why it was a good decision. It was a risk to put myself out there as I did – my intent was to help someone, and this time it did not work out that way. Oh well. That’s going to happen. I’d rather try to help someone than not. Eric has stated that sometimes women come in here in a very fragile state.
Sarah, we all bring our own experiences and viewpoints and your comment about “Little Miss Overdose” was completely unnecessary. Suicide is a serious business. You know anyone who’s done it? I do. It’s not something to be snarky or joke about.
If you don’t live in the UK you won’t understand that I wasn’t treating her as suicidal. Please everyone outside the UK HEAR ME: it is not easy or straightforward to get help with mental health issues in this country. I was telling her to go to urgent care or A&E, AKA the emergency room, because sometimes that is the ONLY way to get help with mental health… even if you are not suicidal. I’ve lived here 11 years and have long forgotten how easy it is in the US to get help… you just make a doctor appt, tell them you are dealing with depression and you will get help on the spot. NOT SO in this country. Your doctor will more likely ignore it or give you something that won’t help. And counseling is very difficult to get on NHS and as Alex noted very expensive if you are paying privately.
Those of us who have been here a while are not “hardened.” We just see the same stuff over and over and over. Almost every post after you’ve been here about six months is a repeat of a common issue. This boils down to someone who was in FWB with someone who she developed feelings for who did not reciprocate and it’s very upsetting to her. She wants him; he doesn’t want her. There are issues with her behind this that are driving it that she is not ready willing or able to address right now. Therefore, us old-timers quickly spot there is nothing we can do to help and walk away. It’s that simple.June 5, 2015 at 3:17 pm #433571
I live in London and yes I’ve been depressedJune 5, 2015 at 3:32 pm #433576
OK then you know suicide isn’t something to crack jokes about or make fun of.
Nuff said.June 6, 2015 at 12:56 am #433673
do u ladies even realize the initiator of this thread is nowhere and you ladies are busy defending your selves and justifying your actions?? please we don’t need to. every1 knows here that all the posters were just trying to advise the initiator of this post based on their own past mistakes and experience. help her deal with her issues better based on their life experiences and thought processes. if the initiator does not want to take any1’s advice that’s her choice, isn’t it? peace and love to all..June 6, 2015 at 7:25 am #433709
I have known my fwbs for over 20 years. When I first met him he was out of prison for arson. He also had emotional problems. Suffered from anxiety. I overlooked his problems and dated him for about a month until the talk about him not wanting a relationship. At the time I had broke up with my boyfriend and was not looking for a relationship. I decided not to see him because of another issue I do not care to mention. Ten years passed before we would see each other again. He would call but I was not interested in seeing him. All he talked about was how good the sex was. About a month ago I received a phone call from my fwbs. He said he was thinking about me. I was not interested. I told him I was looking for a relationship. All he wanted was something casual no commitment no drama as he put it. He start sexting me. I made the mistake of sexting him back. He wanted a picture of me. We wanted to know what I looked like after 10 years. I sent a picture nothing explicit. I was fully dressed. He said how good I looked and loved my long hair. He wanted to see me in person and spend some time together.I said no. He kept sexting me. Sending cards and calling on the phone. He said he was kidding about not wanting a relationship. He talked about us spending time together and getting closer.I finally gave in. I invited him over. When he he arrived we hugged each other. He would not let go of me. He held me for a long time. We were watching television I fell asleep. We I opened my eyes he said he was leaving. I apologized for falling asleep. He said we would get together again. The next morning I received a text message saying he was moving on. I asked why. No response. I have not heard from him.June 6, 2015 at 10:55 am #433725
That’s the weirdest thing ever.
I knew mine wasn’t interested in more at the beginning and I decided to give up after he did something that upset me which.i.dont want to mention.
I backed away from him and within two weeks he came back and started texting me all the time. Asking me out at Christmas when i was sick he said he’d kiss me better. When i had a hard day at work he’d have drinks waiting for me and he said to hurry over for long cuddle from him.
He remembered when i had things going on at work and always asked. He always remembered me. He was so kind the things he said and did.
I dont understand how he could just callously cut me off.
But then again he didn’t….the rest of his message was friendly.June 7, 2015 at 7:25 pm #433959
I think the problem in the aftermath is that we go over every word and act and want the big magic why that will make it all bearable, but in reality, being kind doesn’t make you in love and being thoughtful doesn’t make you so either. Those things don’t even make them good guys remember that, people should be kind and thoughtful! Not being a massive dick is far too often so rare we interpret it as love. It’s not it’s just decency.June 7, 2015 at 7:55 pm #433962
Emma is correct. Kindness and decency are great from a friend, but not what I’d want from my lover and life partner. As the song goes “you can have my husband, but don’t mess with my man!”
I’d rather have a passionate affair that is full of love and happiness with an FWB than a boring and lifeless marriage just so I can say I have a husband.June 17, 2019 at 1:20 pm #753983
If you want FWB for sex that is one thing, but if you got into a FWB as a last resort to get a boyfriend, your in for a rude awakening as you already gave him your price. You got to stop hoping to get a relationship out of a guy that doesn’t take you seriously. if he did not have feelings for you now he definitely won’t in the future or else he would not want to see anyone else. I am sure you don’t need to subject yourself to a non-comitted relationship by using you for sex as he takes other girls out to actual dates. Who knows how many people he is sleeping with. If you want a guy to take you seriously, show your worth by not involving yourself in that kind of relationship with a guy who you think you will like.