Feeling really discouraged in dating, help :(


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This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Rox 2 months ago.

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  • #898960 Reply

    Natalie

    I’m sure you can tell by the title but I’m coming here for support but also advice when you are getting to a point that you’re discouraged when dating. Background on me, I am a 29 year old female living in Los Angeles where the beauty standards are impossible to keep up with and the dating pool of quality men really seems to be limited. I relocated here about 4 years ago which is also when I ended a 5 year relationship. In that time frame, I have tried online dating with no success. Everyone I met was only interested in casual or playing games and I’m not interested in any of those. I am genuinely at a place in my life where I want to find a husband or at least a long term relationship that could develop into marriage.

    During these 4 years single, I was also interested in a guy from work 2 years ago for about a year. We were friends, I really felt we had a lot in common, both had relocated from the east coast so we bonded over that, a lot of our desires for the future were aligned, and I just felt he was a good fit. We would do things as a group with other people from work but it never developed past our friendship. I am not a type to pursue a guy or flat out tell them I’m interested, just never been the type. He is now currently engaged to another girl we worked with. Of course she is a gorgeous model looking type while I am probably more average looking to most. To say I was disappointed is an understatement, definitely took me a while to get over it.

    After that, I went back on dating apps, met more jerks and people who don’t want the same things, felt discouraged all over again, and got right back off the apps.

    Now, here I am liking another guy at work and fearing the same thing is going to happen. Now, with him it’s a little different. We work in different departments and on different floors. We’ve had one brief conversation and that’s when I grew interested in him but other than that we don’t speak much. Right now it’s very surface level conversations and hi and byes. Every time I see him in the hallway he is on his way to somewhere like a meeting or someone’s office so it never seems like the opportune time to strike up a convo. He has worked here for 5 years, me for 4 and I literally never noticed him until now. I’ve asked around and everyone that knows him says he is a good guy, hardworking, honest which makes me like him more. We don’t have any mutual friends at work so I’m not sure how to get to know him outside of the work setting or develop this relationship further and it’s just really frustrating that this keeps happening. Again, I don’t want to ask him out or make it known I like him because I don’t want to have to pursue someone but also on the off chance it’s weird because we work together. He also arrived at a company event a few weeks ago with a female co-worker of ours from his department but I couldn’t tell if it was a date or they just came together. All I know is I keep feeling like this is going to end up exactly like the first situation and I am never going to get the type of man I want. Please help, feeling really discouraged.

    #898965 Reply

    mama

    “Again, I don’t want to ask him out or make it known I like him because I don’t want to have to pursue someone but also on the off chance it’s weird because we work together. ”

    So you’re basically saying you want him to read your mind? You’re going to have to make some indications (outside of work hours) that you are interested and available. You sound like you don’t want to take any personal risk and expect him to do it all when you’ve given him no indication whatsoever that you are interested. You can still take a little risk and let him know you’re interested. Most people here will tell you not to sh** where you eat (i.e., don’t date coworkers), but it sounds like your work climate is much different.

    If it’s hard for you to take risks, you could practice flirting with guys outside of your work world and just try to get better at it. If you’re not as personally invested, it’s easier to try various things to see what works for you.

    #898984 Reply

    tammy

    i think making a move on someone who works in the same company is not a very good idea. what if u do make it known that your interested and he turns you down? would that be ok by you? plus if things dont go well, it could get awkward for you both. ideally dont get involved with a co-worker. but if you still feel he is a good fit and you should give this a shot, look for opportunities to casually talk at company events. or after working hour group outings. and see how things go.

    #899004 Reply

    Raven

    Dating people you work with is not a good idea…

    Where else are you meeting guys, besides online & work?

    Go where men are:
    – Car shows,
    – Hardware stores,
    – Sporting events…

    – Join your local Rotary,
    – Volunteer for a great cause or for something you are passionate about,
    – Volunteer for local music events…

    Talk to everyone!
    People in the checkout line, the checkers, the Deli Workers…

    Join a Knitting Bee, these ladies have sons & grandsons… You get my drift- Good Luck!

    #899005 Reply

    Maddie

    I know quite a few people of both genders who moved to LA and had nightmare stories about online dating there, so it isn’t just you. I am not an advocate of dating at work in the majority of cases (having done it once), and it sounds to me a little like you’re developing crushes on people there because you’re having trouble meeting people who aren’t online and aren’t at work?

    What it always sounded like to me is there’s two LAs, there’s the “industry” side (and if you’re trying to date over there you have the impossible beauty standards to deal with) and then the rest. The rest are people involved in other professions, such as education, academia, maybe tech, health care, contractors and people who work with their hands, things like that. Not so much service industry because you still get a lot of people there who are actually still trying to get into show business. Anyway, my point isn’t to make a list of “acceptable” professions, just to give a few examples of not in show business and not looking to be. There’s also people who actually grew up in the area, didn’t have families involved in show business, and are still there who may be more down to earth about it.

    The reason this is relevant is because you’ve essentially found that your values don’t line up with the men there who want to date flakey with impossible beauty standards. That doesn’t mean you won’t find shallow men in other industries too (you will), or men who if they’re successful/attractive enough decide they want model looks because that is what they value and they can. But making effort to branch out should help you to find men more on your level about what’s important if you’re not interested in investing all your time in looking model-perfect and being an influencer.

    It’s a perspective change, and one that’s not easy when you’re being bombarded with that marketing and lifestyle. But if you’re satisfied with yourself and your looks even if they’re not model perfect, then you are bringing a lot of other things to the table and want to find men on that level who are also looking for and value that. The men you’ve met who were superficial and bailed did you a favor because you don’t have compatible values.

    I’d suggest finding ways to get involved in activities through which you can expand your network and meet different types of people with other interests outside of the LA “scene.” Maybe there are meetups or “transplant” groups (you can look for east coasters in LA type social groups and maybe find people who didn’t move out for the industry), volunteering, religious communities if that’s your thing, think about what your interests actually are and find a way to get involved socially once or twice a month in one that allows you to meet new people in your neighborhood. Even if it something doesn’t turn out to be a great avenue if meeting men, hopefully you still have fun doing it because it’s activities you enjoy anyway, or maybe you make solid female friends who can even introduce you to their guy friends.

    Hang in there, I do know women who have met guys in LA eventually, but you’re not alone in it being a struggle. Don’t fall into the thinking trap that you need to look a certain way to meet a guy, it’ll just feed insecurities.

    #899024 Reply

    Natalie

    Hi Everyone,

    Thank you so much for feedback. Just a little response to the general consensos I’m getting. 1.) my organization is massive, like 3,000 people, majority of us young professionals around the same age, a lot of single woman with far less single men. Also, I don’t work with this guy directly so I don’t think it would be that awkward if it didn’t work out. We have both worked there for years and I literally just started seeing him so I’m sure it would just go back to being one of the many strangers i pass during the day
    2.) being from a different place makes it hard to make friends. I do volunteer and participate in a number of outside events, attend happy hours with friends, go to exhibits, etc. but the truth is the majority of my friends are from my workplace which is why that happens to also be where I end up meeting good candidates for dating. Because the environment of also hanging with your co workers outside of work makes it easier for people to connect and get to know each other which is why the first guy I mentioned from years ago met his soon to be wife there and it wasn’t weird at all. They are in 2 different areas of the company. So just a background on that

    #899148 Reply

    Sophia

    Raven –
    I screen grabbed your advice.
    Thanks for the tips!

    #899295 Reply

    Lane

    To be honest, you don’t need to do ANYTHING to get a guy’s attention if he’s interested. The fact is, he probably hasn’t spent a minute trying to get some info. on you, the way you are him, or your co-workers surely would have said something to you.

    You are taking this far too personally, and that’s not the case at all, as there is a man who will love everything about you, when you meet him, and won’t have to do anything but be yourself—it happens naturally, and organically.

    The one thing you need to know about men is they MUST be physically attracted to you for him to turn his radar on you. You could be a 10 (model) but if you don’t have certain physical features/attributes where a man say’s “wow, I really want to be with her” he’s not going to. Men’s attraction is the opposite of a woman’s, whereas they know within nanoseconds of just seeing you, if you are someone they want to pursue something with or not.

    Men don’t care if your nice, sweet, athletic, or smart….those are things women care about, whereas men are initially attracted to the outside first, whether a woman is a 10, or 5, 100 lbs or 300 lbs doesn’t matter, its a deep visceral biological spark that triggers a man to want to be with her like a moth is drawn to a flame. I had a good military friend who was highly attracted to large/obese woman, so he naturally would not be attracted or interested in a 120 lb woman, so that woman would be wasting her time if she had any inkling of him pursuing something with her, which is what you are doing, and why its not working for you.

    Like Steve Harvey say’s “A woman has to do absolutely NOTHING for a man to be highly attracted her!” Its so true! That’s how men start the selection process in *who* they want to date/court/woo, get to know, or not. When your first crush met his now fiance’ he probably felt a flood of butterflies in the pit of his stomach, and that’s what compelled him to pursue her and none of the many other ladies he’s crossed paths with, including yourself.

    So don’t be discouraged, you just haven’t met the guy who goes “WOW” just by looking at you that naturally compels him to not only put you on but keep you on his radar.

    #899299 Reply

    Rox

    Hi Natalie,
    Please take this advice with a grain of salt.

    There’s a fine line between ‘trying too hard’ and ‘not trying’ at all. I would say, you are on the side of not trying. Appearances aside, there are many attractive qualities aside from looks. Have you never seen a girl with great looks but no personality? Other attractive qualities can be : kindness, cheerful, helpful, strong, creative, outgoing, positive, nice to be around, good energy, fit, a good person, thoughtful, honest, good humour, funny, mindful, good-hearted…

    Your first story with the coworker who you liked for a whole year and then who got engaged, nothing you did pointed out to him that you were interested in him. You did all the proper ‘coworker’ activities, as you said you didn’t go oustide of the friendship. People don’t all of a sudden get engaged. Why didn’t you ask him ‘if he was seeing someone’ as friendly conversation? He would have already indicated he was dating, or he was in a serious relationship.. This question I would say is usual, as general investigation and can save people a lot of pain. What if he was married but never really talked about this at work. Same applies to the new interest you have. It would be not that hard, to ask if he was single or seeing someone, hang around wherever you did. He’s not going to come to a completely different department on a different floor to ask you out. Close the gap, make it easier for conversation, for hanging out, going to lunch, going for drinks after work .. You don’t have to make the first move, but you have to indicate that you are interested.

    Forget about the beauty standards and just be you. Good luck.

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