This topic contains 4 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Remma 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
October 3, 2020 at 8:13 pm #816975
My ex and I dated for ten years. We had our own perfect little world. He was so nice and kind and attentive to me. I had no doubt that he was the right one for me. He was so great for so long. We made a great team. He is a first generation American (parents are from India) and I am white.
Things were great until I failed out of medical school due to health problems when I was almost done with the program. I lost a lot of money, friends, my childhood dream, etc. I was depressed, but I fought to get my life back over the next few years. I sought out therapy, I was working full-time, and I took classes to help get me into a master’s program. I was dying inside still and was traumatized from the experience in medical school. But I was working towards growth and recovery.
My ex told me that I wasn’t the same any longer. That I wasn’t as funny and full of life as I used to be. He said that he didn’t want to help me solve my problems anymore because he had enough of his own at work. He also randomly decided that he didn’t want kids because they’re too much work. He didn’t even discuss with me, he just decided. And he was becoming a little controlling. He eventually told me that he didn’t want sex until I started acting like a normal girlfriend. He would do nice things for me like make my lunch for work, help me with homework, bought my plane tickets for a couple of vacations, etc. But he was also struggling with his career and was making switches with what he wanted to do in his life. He also suffers with depression, but you would never know because he hides it and doesn’t want to be seen as weak.
He made a switch from academia to working as a manager in a startup distillery in our city. This job has changed him due to the people he’s around. It’s like he is trying to impress them all the time because they’re cool and hip. He used to be a science nerd and now he was a cool guy working with other cool guys. But he was stressed beyond belief with the demands of the job and would come home and tell me he didn’t want to hear about my problems because he had enough of his own. He would yell at me sometimes if I asked him for help with random things around the apartment. He blamed me for not being able to afford a house (it’s definitely not my fault – he wouldn’t sit down to create a budget with me or talk about money).
He broke up with me right before a big family event of mine. He had become increasingly nasty to me due to his work stress. He said that he can’t sacrifice himself and his life for me. And if I ever had anything halfway stressful to talk about he would tell me he was “over it.” And blaming me for everything wrong in his life. Anything stressful that I mentioned was a catastrophe for him and made me awful in his eyes. He would even come home and tell me that his coworkers were wondering why I wasn’t moving out fast enough (I couldn’t afford to for a bit). And that his friends were criticizing that I chose to move to an apartment that wasn’t far from his. It felt so gross to see him change this way. He would be really nice like his old self and then snap to be really mean. He said he just wants to hang out with friends and do things that make him happy.
He told me that he has lived his life under the expectations of others for too long (his parents were very controlling) and that he wants to feel free. I saw him six months after I moved out. He was nervous to talk to me. He texted me later that I am more like I used to be and that it hurts him that I am only getting better now that he broke up with me. And he said he tried to talk to me “so” many times about this before, but that I wouldn’t take his suggestions for help. When in reality I was working on myself to recover from trauma, and he ignores his mental health issues and is blaming me. Now all he does is hang around with his distillery bros and tries to impress them. I am hurt beyond belief.
Somebody tell me something to make me feel better because I feel like absolutely garbage and like it’s my fault. And like he will do better than me. Please help me feel better because I feel like a burden.October 3, 2020 at 10:28 pm #816985
T from NY
Girl. You need a very kind therapist to help you begin to love yourself. You should never seek your worth from a man, nor strangers on an internet forum. These are all external things – outside yourself. The only way forward for you – is inward. Take the time you need to emotionally heal. Get to to know yourself. F%*# a tepid man who treats you with disrespect. Leave him firmly in your rear view. Learn to re-parent, love yourself now, so you can benefit from that confidence and righteous indignation for the rest of your life. Read Ask Polly online. Good luck.October 4, 2020 at 2:16 pm #817080
I think you are well rid of this guy! 10 years floundering around-DATING!-lol. He does not treat you well. He has problems of his own and he expects you to support him but does not give you the same courtesy.October 5, 2020 at 11:06 am #817204
This sounds like two people both with issues no longer able to help each other and start to float around. From what you are saying you need quite a lot of guidance in finding a new career path and are still struggling with it, and he is sort of going through the same thing. I honestly cant tell you if you burdened him with a lot of your issues without him being able to help. I mean health issues he cant help with, you dropping out the same. So tragic as it is, there must have been a point he felt he could not help you and had to help himself. Rightfully so or not, it happened and it does show you are not a good match in times of distress. The best you can do is find your own support system and build up your life again. Take care of yourself and your health. And also follow T her suggestion to find a therapist to unravel what you can control and what not and how to move on. I wish you all the bestNovember 30, 2020 at 1:22 am #827886
IT IS Common. When two people dated and other person is depressed/sad. One person might broke up because they dont know how to handle problems of their partner
When i was sad my ex broke up with me and he was stumping me with hurtful words. It hurts when i remember it. I did love him very much and cared about his will being. But he never felt the same towards me. Or maybe he just got tired of me.
What i can suggest is ignore ur ex. Meaning dont block him but never reply to his messages anymore for one month. Let him miss you. I’m sure he will come back but thw point of not contacting ur ex is to focus on urself; on ur studies and work. I know it hurts but we can move on from this
I even want my ex back! Even if he hurt me. They say to me i suffer a certain syndrome where u get attach to ur abuser. I forgot what the term is called